It’s not uncommon for people with AS to be extreme in their emotions as it is with many other things. In the same way that I either talk very little or talk a lot, am very positive or very negative, am very focused on something or completely disinterested, so it is with feelings that either I feel something very intensely or not at all. At least that’s what it seems like. I realise that the feelings most likely were there the whole time, it’s just that I only recognise them when they get to an extreme point. Another thing is that I get angry very quickly. There is no 2 to 8 on the scale, only 1 and 10. Or one and Löw as I like to say. I tend not to get a little bit angry, it’s not a question of a bad afternoon or hour. For me when something goes wrong as it did the other day, it’s the end of the world. Very quickly I went from being happy at watching the match to being angry, wanting revenge and wishing I didn’t exist.
And this was a good day, the reason for that being that it didn’t take too long to calm down and it didn’t ruin the rest of the day as it sometimes can. After ranting for a while, and after the internet problem was fixed I was calm again. But what it took to get there was not pleasant. Not so much for me but for the other person. Even when they know you don’t really mean what you are saying, it doesn’t make it any easier for them to hear and for them to say and do the right things.
What’s good about all of this is that I actually know this, and can actually understand their perspective a little. I couldn’t do this before, but writing about this kind of thing has really helped in allowing me to see what they may be feeling and thinking, to understand a little about how helpless they must feel. Writing about a scenario like this also helped me to express how I feel about it, which is something I couldn’t do verbally. It was writing about stuff like this that helped me make some sense of it. It wasn’t that match I was upset about, it’s just a friendly and is only Bayern after all. Plus I knew I might get another shot at seeing it elsewhere (which I did). It was the weekend that was bothering me, Monday to be more precise. Maybe if I hadn’t been stressed out about that I wouldn’t have reacted in such an extreme way.
To get back to the topic of how difficult it is for anyone who happens to be around, I appreciate that’s it’s not easy for them to hear any of it. But at least now I can reassure them that I really don’t mean any of what I said. And now they know that them saying anything is not helpful, that listening is all that’s required. They want to help, I get that, and it’s difficult to see someone you care about upset and not be able to do anything that you would normally do to comfort a person. So it’s important for them to know that the things they would normally do to comfort someone are most likely going to be of no use here.
Somewhat related to things being at extremes is how one day you can write four pages without even trying for an idea that you just came up with, but another piece is taking forever to finish because of one missing sentence. Eleven pages rendered temporarily useless all because you can’t figure out how to end one conversation. And then all of a sudden, you go back to it, and the sentence you were looking for appears in your head, just like that. No explanation, no logical reason. No reason at all why it should happen now and not when you wanted it to.
Usually I note random German coincidences, that is spotting German names or words in TV shows. This time it’s a Swiss connection. Two nights in a row, the show I was watching before I went to bed has featured the name Sommers. As in Yann Sommer, Borussia Mönchengladbach’s Swiss goalkeeper. And then in the show after it, the main suspect was called Roman. Plus last night I woke up the middle of the night to find an episode of CSI Miami on, the cross-over episode with CSI:NY and the first line of dialogue I heard was “what made Mr Hanover so blue?”
I wish I hadn’t heard that, I’m sure that contributed to the weird dream I had. I wish it was them who were feeling blue right now, I wish it was them who were suiting up for a promotion campaign in the 2. Bundesliga. Tonight is the night, there are zero days now left on my 2. Bundesliga count-down. It’s opening night but Freiburg aren’t playing tonight, they don’t play until Monday which is good because it means there’s still a chance that my shirt will get here before then. I both feel excited and guilty right now. Excited because finally there is some real football on and guilty for feeling excited. Regardless of how guilty I feel, I was extremely happy to hear the all so sweet opening music again, though I’m not pleased at all with the new graphics, they should bring back the flags.
Speaking of flags my very strange dream from last night had flags in it. Not the flags of all the 2.B teams as I saw tonight though, but all the flags of the 1.B teams, minus Freiburg’s and Paderborn’s. It was not the flags that made it strange, the location of the dream did that. It was a train and each person on the train had a flag to carry, and I don’t know how I know this but I know it was a ghost train. I have no clue what that is meant to mean, none whatsoever.
To get back the subject of writing, there was one very good thing about tonight, I came up with a lot of ideas during the half time break including a very conversation about vampires between Jogi and Hansi, the story I wrote it for is not one I can post online but it’s so funny that I may just try to find a way to work it into one of the ones that is.