Post number 447, I maybe should have saved this hopefully lucky number for later today, but I’ve got enough on my mind to need a little of that luck myself right now. I know I shouldn’t still be awake but I’m too excited/worried to sleep. Just about ten hours now until the moment of truth. After reading the DFB site I found something else to preoccupy me and keep me awake, an article about the film “Die Mannschaft.” It’s about making and submitting a video, about explaining what the team means to you and how you are connected to it. Should be fun, right, after all I love making videos. Except I like making videos that amuse me, using a video to communicate something, to express feelings, that sounds very uncomfortable all of a sudden. I’m torn, I want to try and make something for it, but I have no clue what. Maybe because first of all I don’t know exactly what the answers to those questions are. Or maybe it’s that I do know the answers and I’m afraid of putting those answers in a video, or afraid that they won’t come across well or that other people will think them strange.
I wish they would explain more about what they are looking for, about what they want from a video. For example, does it matter if there are no people in your video, can you use just pictures and footage? I mean, they don’t expect the person who made the video to be in the video do they? I hope not because that would be a deal-breaker for me, absolutely impossible.
If I were to make something I would want to focus on Jogi & Hansi obviously. And Manuel Neuer too. But mostly the former, but still I’m not sure what it is I want to say.
Why is this so hard, how is it that I spend hours watching matches and videos of them and reading about them, have spent absurd amounts of money on collectibles related to them, have sacrificed my all important cinema schedule for them at times and made many other sacrifices yet I still can’t say just what it is they mean to me. I just like Germany a great deal. But there has to be more to it than that, doesn’t there?
Is it that I don’t know or I don’t want to say? Because in the case of Jogi & Hansi I think I have a pretty good idea about what they mean to me. I just don’t know if I can put into words, let alone make a video expressing any of it. The idea of having someone you can trust, someone who knows how you think, someone who is always where they are meant to be. And then the weird stuff, or what I think is weird or could be seen that way. That the sometimes strange ways in which Jogi expresses himself on the touchline are more than just a source of amusement to me, they mean so much more than that. It’s given me a license to feel a little bit more comfortable in my own skin, a little bit less worried about seeming weird to other people, a little less inclined to hide my tics and stims. Now if anyone says I’m acting or looking strange, I have one thing and one thing only to say, if it’s good enough for Jogi Löw then it is good enough for me.
But is that a suitable topic for such a video? Or is it acceptable because it is my honest answer, they did ask what the team means to you and they are part of the team. I wonder, does my collection in itself say something, that for me that is how I express myself. But how can you communicate that in a video?
The only thing I can say on the subject that comes close to making any sense, can only be expressed or explained in the context of autism. But even then, I don’t think it explains what they mean to me, it just demonstrates how much they do. Is that even relevant? The fact that half my universe is built around them (the other half is of course reserved for Freiburg), that I abandoned pretty much all of my other special interests for them.
A while back I wrote about playing the autism card in relation to a certain Hansi DFB related mission, I still haven’t completed that nor am I close to doing so. I guess what I’m trying to get at is, not so much is it ok to play the autism card here, but that I think what I want to say will make a lot more sense if I did.
I have no idea as to how to answer the question “how are you connected to the team?” What does that even mean? I hope this makes more sense when I’ve gotten some sleep, if I ever get any that is.
Last night was the final of the under 17s European Championship, Germany lost 4-1 to France. I forgot to record the game, now I won’t get to watch it in English or German. On the upside I did get a new photo of Hansi Flick:
I also got a new one of Jogi from last Saturday’s game:
Three of my latest and rather special collectibles: