Tag Archives: Sleeping patterns

Advent Calendar Day 11: Vampire Mondays

Despite getting out of bed whilst it was actually still morning today didn’t go as I wanted it to. Even though I was out of bed and doing what I was supposed to be doing it didn’t feel right, half the time I felt like I was still asleep and the rest of the time I was wishing I were. It was only late in the evening that I actually felt awake, something which doesn’t bode well for my efforts at straightening out my sleeping patterns. I’m doing everything I can to resist a nocturnal schedule but evidently the rest of me does not agree. Come night time that old familiar feeling returns, a feeling of invincibility almost. Like I can do anything and I have a million and one ideas. Which of course I don’t actually do anything about, that’s all anything is these days, ideas and thoughts. Hardly anything is real anymore, most things don’t get beyond my head. I plot stories, come up with ideas for posts and projects. Yet I don’t do any of it. When it comes to writing stuff down the words aren’t there anymore. And when they are it’s not right, the stories are more complete when they’re in my head. Like something gets lost when I try to put them down on paper.

Things aren’t happening as they’re meant to and these posts are no exception. I thought I might use them to get back on track. And of course I had plenty of ideas, like digging some stuff out from my archives and making videos for the players whose cards and stickers I got on that day. Something which never materialized, not because I forgot about the idea. It was just the thought of all that work, what is usually fun felt like a chore. Almost everything feels that way these days. Forget about actually getting anything done by the time you’re out of bed, showered and dressed it feels like that’s half of your energy gone already. Yesterday was a lot of fun, maybe too much fun.

Not a lot happened today, other than what seems to be the now mandatory Playstation marathon (the game of choice being Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood this time) the main event today was the Champions League draw. Bayern have got what on paper is a not so difficult draw, having been drawn with Turkish team Besiktas. I find it funny myself, because Besiktas are from RB Leipzig’s group. The best of the bunch though is obviously Real Madrid v PSG. I don’t care about the Ronaldo v Neymar competition though. What I care about is German being pitted against German, well Germans since PSG have two in the form of Julian Draxler and Kevin Trapp. And of course Real Madrid have Toni Kroos. I can’t really root for either, I don’t like PSG because of where their money comes from yet I can’t root for Real Madrid because I can’t stand Ronaldo. As for picking who I like better, I don’t know if I can do that. My first instinct is to say Julian, though I think that might be Matze’s fault. Either way it’ll be brilliant to watch, I just hope that Julian actually gets to play. On the subject of Germans being pitted against one another the draw of Chelsea and Barcelona does just that. This time it’s Antonio Rüdiger against Marc-Andre ter Stegen. And this is the point where I say I’m staying neutral. Between those two I really can’t pick.

Despite the excitement of the Champions League draw the highlight of today was a new video for my collection, not Jogi of course (I’ve never gotten one of him from a 2.Bundesliga game – besides they’re in Abu Dhabi for the Club World Cup) but Stefan instead.

Stefan Kuntz at Fortuna Düsseldorf v 1.FCN 2017/18

Advent Calendar Day 6: The Day of Four Cards

Today as the title implies was something of a bumper day as far as cards go, getting four cards and one sticker, I suppose that’s due to the fact that today in Germany is Nikolaustag. I like getting four cards because four always makes me think of the fourth star, Germany’s fourth world cup win in 2014.  I don’t want to curse anything but add in the sticker and you have five. Plus the sticker was none other than Mario Götze, surely that has to be a good sign. Apart from the cards it hasn’t been a day of celebration or gifts for me that’s for sure. Today I paid the price for yesterday, being unable to sleep at night because I slept in the day, thus missing something important I wanted to do in the morning. The day is not destined to be a good one when you wake up angry. So I can’t really say I’ve done anything constructive today, instead allowing myself to waste the afternoon playing Borderlands. I did at least kill the stupid robot that made me so angry on Monday.

Football wise things weren’t much better but then I don’t really care about that, it made no difference at all to me whether or not Dortmund added to their pathetic two point tally. As it turns out they ended up losing 3-2 to Real Madrid, which isn’t that big of a surprise. I am so glad that Matze left when he did, it means he has no part in the mess of a season that Dortmund are having so far. Tomorrow won’t be much better in that regard, whatever the result tomorrow Hoffenheim are out of the Europa League. Not that I care about them of course, no self respecting Freiburg fan would. I’m just disappointed for Hansi.

Today is one of those days where I have nothing to write about, which I suppose is a good thing in the sense that I have nothing to complain about. Well nothing except for the fact Friday is getting ever closer. And of course I can’t sleep again. Unable to sleep I’m watching Dark on Netflix and finding it very interesting. I watched the first four episodes in one go. I can’t remember the last time a TV series held my attention and that I was able to focus long enough to watch something new. That’s a good thing but it may be cancelled out by the fact the show focuses on the subject of death. Still it’s good to be thinking about something that isn’t in my own head. And because it’s in German I can at least pretend I’m doing something constructive. It doesn’t help me get any better at speaking German but then I don’t know what will. I don’t get enough practice speaking English let alone German. It does make me laugh in a painfully ironic sort of way when parents of autistic children say my experience of autism bears no resemblance to the “real autism” their children has because “you’re high-functioning and you’re verbal, and can do stuff they’ll never do.” Oh how that hurts when you take into consideration the knowledge that it’s only because I can’t live alone that I do talk to anyone in the real world. Were I capable of living alone and were actually doing so I could easily go weeks without having a proper conversation with another human being, indeed even now when I don’t live alone I can go days without doing so. So being able to talk doesn’t really count for much, not when you can’t actually use that ability anyway. I know what their next line of attack would be too. It’ll be the “but you can read and write” line. Yay, that means if I ever sum up the courage to kill myself at least I can leave a note behind to explain why. You’re right, I am “so high-functioning and lucky.”

Advent Calendar Day 5: German Night in Paris

I guess today isn’t that bad a day seeing as how I came up with a title without even trying, though that isn’t the title I originally came up with. I got Sami Khedira’s sticker today and the phrase that immediately popped into my head was “Italian night in Paris” because Khedira plays for Juventus and Bayern played PSG tonight. It’s a variation of a phrase from Inglorious Basterds, the name of the third chapter in the film. I don’t want to say it’s a good day because I don’t want to be that arrogant, not before Friday is over and done with. But as much as I liked the phrase I couldn’t misquote one of my favourite films and then I realised that actually the original correct version fit better anyway in an ironic sort of way, seeing as how Bayern were playing host to PSG. They may have been playing in Munich but it was for Bayern most definitely German night in Paris tonight. Because they only scored three goals and conceded one they didn’t win the group (but then only a real optimist could have expected them to) but they did at least retain their honor after the humiliating defeat in Paris which saw Carlo Ancoletti sacked as a result. I feel bad for Julian Draxler but rooting for his team was not an option, not tonight.

As for the rest of the day I can’t really say it went well because I don’t really remember most of it, and that includes the appointment. I have a feeling I ranted quite a lot but then that isn’t really news. I only got two hours sleep last night which was rather stupid of me and is no doubt why I felt the need to take a nap before watching Bayern’s game tonight. Not something I usually do but I’m glad I did, I felt surprisingly rested afterwards which isn’t something I’m used to. I’m sure I could find something to rant about but I don’t particularly want to. Not least because today I got a Jogi video, so I’d kind of like to leave that untainted.

Joachim Löw – Bild video 05/12/17

One subject I could rant about is the second series of that stupid TV show The A Word but I won’t do so here for two reasons. First because I think it’s going to need a post of it’s own and secondly for the aforementioned reason. All I will say is this, I am very glad that child is fictional and doesn’t have to grow up with parents and a family like that in real life. Ok I lied, two things. I read the description for next week’s episode. There’s some kind of play at the boy’s old school and it brings his family all together and they all get to see what they mean to him. I am so sick of TV shows and films using autistic characters to “bring the normal people together and make them realise what they have in life.” I’m even more sick of parents of autistic children needing to be shown “just how much we mean to him.” It’s infuriating, the constant implication that we don’t love people or don’t care about them, just because  maybe we don’t show it in the way they expect. I used to be so against the idea of a community comprised entirely of autistic people, these days I’m not so sure. It kind of sounds like a good idea. Maybe then I would have listen to a bunch of normal people who know nothing about autism tell me all about it and what it means. And I just broke my promise, that’s a rant. I guess I’ll have to stop writing there before I taint Jogi’s video even more.

Lowered Expectations

These past few months I’ve had very low expectations of myself and the past few weeks that’s been true more than ever. The logic is simple, keep expectations low so that way I won’t be disappointed when I fail to live up to them. This week all I have to do is write one small letter, I know it’s only Tuesday but I’m already beating myself up for not having gotten it done. All this time thinking about it and I could have just written the damn thing by now. Yet it’s not so easy, not least (and I’m aware this sounds absurd) because I don’t know what to say. Or rather I know what to say I just don’t know how to put it, how to make myself come across politely. I’m used to things making me feel stupid in some way but this is something else, it’s making me feel like words aren’t my friends either. It’s had the effect of not making me want to write anything, though I can’t blame that for not posting anything on here, I haven’t felt particularly motivated in that respect anyway. So unmotivated have I felt on that count I’ve stopped bothering to make excuses to myself as to why I haven’t done so, nor did I make myself promises, saying that I would try the next day.

When it comes to this stupid letter however I have made many excuses and found just as many distractions.  First of all falling back on the usual tried and tested methods such as looking for new Jogi pictures, sorting stickers and then resorting to sorting out the ever growing list of recordings on my hard-drive. The latter provided quite a bit of fun, I’d forgotten about all the Copa America games I’d collected last summer and the fact that it wasn’t all doom and gloom. As for new distractions I’ve spent quite a bit of time dreaming about Freiburg’s Turkish defender Çağlar Söyüncü. In my story I paired him up with Alexander Schwolow as friends simply because that’s how I wanted things to be. And it turns out they have quite the budding friendship in real life, at least on the pitch anyway. It’s one of the things which has cheered me up somewhat this week. I always like getting pictures of my favourite players but these were extra special, and just to make it a little bit more fun I made a GIF too:

caglar-soyuncu-alexander-schwolow-freiburg-v-koln-2016-17 caglar-soyuncu-alexander-schwolow-freiburg-v-koln-2016-17-1 caglar-soyuncu-alexander-schwolow-freiburg-v-koln-2016-17-2caglar-soyuncu-alexander-schwolow-freiburg-v-koln-2016-17-3I know I’m getting ahead of myself seeing as there’s still fourteen matches to go of this season but I’ve already made up my mind, the name on my home shirt next year is going to be Söyüncü. In one way I suppose that’s a good thing, the idea that I’m thinking ahead, even if it’s only in a football sense. Thinking ahead to next season means a part of me is planning on being around that long. Even if I don’t feel like it’s true evidently another part of me knows better. I can’t say that I’m feeling any better though because that wouldn’t be true at all. The feeling that I’m sleepwalking through everything won’t go away. Even when I’m watching Freiburg play I feel like I’m not quite all there. I start off feeling fine but the longer the game goes on the harder it gets to keep paying attention to it and my mind ends up drifting.

I thought all those feelings might disappear when I got some sleep but in retrospect I don’t think the sleeping tablets helped that much. For one thing without them I’ve fallen back into my old routine of sleeping in the day and being awake at night, and for another I didn’t like the way they made my head feel. They helped me get some sleep and actually at night-time too, problem is I felt sleepy in the day as well, even with just a half dose. But it doesn’t matter in the long run anyway since they could only be a temporary solution. I’m not quite sure where all this leaves me now or what if anyhing to do next. I’m not keen on the idea of going back there again. I’m not sure listening to someone tell me that at least my speech is good, there must be good things about having autism and that I should just do the things which make me happy is going to help. Great, so I’m capable enough in terms of speech and expressing myself to say that I feel like I don’t want to be alive anymore but I can’t articulate why. And of course I have to live with this, with everything not making sense. I can imagine their answer to that too, things like this don’t make sense to anyone and it’s difficult for everyone. I have no idea if that makes any sense, I hope it’s not descending into rant territory anyway because I said I wouldn’t do that today. I’ve aleady exceeded my rant limit by ranting about Leipzig and last week’s events.

Whatever the answer to any of that there’s one thing I know for definite, I can’t do something because someone else thinks it’s a good idea or it’s what I should be doing. If I write something it has to be because I feel like it. Forcing myself to write could end up making me hate it and were that to happen I’d pretty much be left with nothing. Football is a good interest to have right now but it’s nothing without the stories. If I lost the stories I might actually start to feel lonely. I know I feel a little lonely even with them but not quite so much. At least when there’s always at least one character living in my head then I always have someone to talk to. And I don’t have to worry about what time of day it is. People don’t like being woken up at 4:00am unless it’s a real emergency. And apparently having an existential crisis isn’t an emergency, nor is finding a new Jogi video either.

Normally I would say that the week can’t have been strange because everything is always strange. Yet after last weekend’s events I think I can say just that. I’m not sure what result was more surprising, Dortmund losing 2-1 to Darmstadt or RBL losing 3-0 to HSV. The former resulted in the commentator saying that sometimes things happen in football which can’t be explained. The words stuck with me, as did the fact Darmstadt won at all. Surely given their perilous situation they can’t possibly survive, it makes me wonder if there’s a message in that, sometimes even the loser gets to win. As for HSV that was a different kind of incredible, no-one would have predicted them being the team to breach Fortress Leipzig, or doing it in the way they did. It led to me coining the phrase “Holy Hamburger SV Batman.” Which sums up effectively the weirdness of that situation, and just to make it a little more interesting one of the goals was scored by Kyriakos Papadopoulos who spent some time on loan at RBL earlier this season. He was of course on loan from Leverkusen and he scored against them too. It’s exactly the kind of trivia I love. In that sense I’m glad I still care enough to remember such things. The day I stop caring about random facts and trivia is the day I know all is lost.

Advent Calendar Day 16: Friday Night Excitement & More New Jogi Pictures

The week could easily read like this, Monday a good day, Tuesday to Thursday – three days of nothingness. Friday – back to good again. Stuff happened, a lot of it not good, I wrote about some of it but I don’t remember anything, just a vague sense it wasn’t good. And now predictably I don’t really care either because as the title suggests tonight’s game was plenty exciting. As one of the English commentators said “it’s the kind of game which makes you fall in love with football in the first place.”  It’s certainly the kind of game which makes you feel like getting out of bed was worth it, even more it makes me feel as if staying awake just to see it was worth it.

Today was the day I set aside to try and get my sleeping patterns back in order, if not for the week ahead then at least for the weekend. It’s not really working so far though, in fact things are proceeding as they usually are. I’ve stayed up too late and as a result of being over tired I’m too hyper to fall asleep, add the distraction of being sucked into looking at pictures of Jogi on Google and I’m getting nowhere. Which pretty much sums up my week really. There is one good thing though, whilst the internet often frustrates me in the sense it’s a place where you encounter plenty of prejudice and misinformation about autism you can also sometimes find good things. Like an understanding with other people you can’t find in real life. It’s always a nice feeling when you feel like someone else gets it, more than that, like you yourself could have written what they did. In this case it was someone explaining that after socialising they always get really hyped up and need to talk about everything that’s just happened, as if their brain needs to process it all. Which is exactly what happens to me, I’ve never come across anyone who knew what I meant, so it’s nice to feel like I’m not alone in that. Even though this post is short it’s probably all over the place because I am, I know these mood swings aren’t in the least bit healthy but I don’t feel like I can do anything about any of it right now. I just need to get through the next few weeks unscathed and deal with what happens afterwards when it actually happens.

The game may have been good but this is what really made the day worth it:

Joachim Löw – RTL Interview 15/12/16

joachim-low-rtl-interview-15-12-16-1 joachim-low-rtl-interview-15-12-16-2 joachim-low-rtl-interview-15-12-16-3 joachim-low-rtl-interview-15-12-16-4joachim-low-rtl-interview-15-12-16-5joachim-low-rtl-interview-15-12-16-6And now for the calendars, in the Freiburg one was Manuel Gulde which is kind of cool because he has both a Jogi connection and a Hansi one, matter of fact he has a double Jogi connection because Freiburg signed him from none other than Karlsruher SC. As for Hansi that is extra timely because the team in question were Dortmund’s opponents tonight, Hoffenheim. In the Dortmund calendar was summer signing and seeming misfit Sebastian Rode:

manuelguldescfreiburgteampresentation 20161217_013031-1


Time and time again I’ve been told that the key to getting a good’s night sleep is having a good bedtime routine, a fixed routine which isn’t overly complicated and which involves going to bed at the same time every night. It’s not so simple though. Because I have a routine right now, it’s just not a good one and I’m finding it difficult to get out of it. Do something once and it becomes routine. Right now that routine involves not falling asleep until at least 4:00 or 5:00am. Routine could be the answer to my problems, but if I can’t break this one then I can’t bring in a new one. So far nothing works, not  staying up all night to break the pattern and not just letting it go and seeing if it’ll work itself out. I’ve been waiting in vain for months for that to be true. This is I have to say a rather well timed prompt because yesterday I went to see a film called Midnight Special. Michael Shannon is in it (hence why I wanted to see it) and his son has special powers of some kind or is an alien. The boy Alton, he can’t be awake in the day. Which I guess has something to do with the title of the film. It was a good film and I enjoyed it, but I’m still not sure what it was really about. Of course that may have something to do with the fact I only had four hours sleep the night before.

I have a love/hate relationship with sleep. Sunday night sleep was elusive, like a person you really miss but you know you can’t see again. Kind of like Philipp Lahm, you want him to come back but you know it’s not going to happen. Last night it was a similar story, it’s always the same after I get back late from the cinema, too hyped up to sleep. Tired but still not able to sleep. Which means of course I slept late today. Meaning today sleep is like a person you never want to see again, like a certain German striker I wish was never picked again. I’m not happy about that but I’m not really complaining either, the dream I had means I’m not so bothered about it. Dreaming about Hansi always makes it worth it, dreaming about hugging him and running my fingers through his hair all the more so. It was surprising that I dreamed about him, given what I was thinking about before I went to sleep I thought I’d dream about Matze or Erik.

One hand I like sleeping because of dreams like that but on the other hand I can’t help but see it as a waste of time. All I can think about is what I could be doing, there’s so many stories I could be working on, so many matches I could be watching and I could be completing the Lego Avengers game. Speaking of Lego if I don’t get much sleep tonight I know who to blame. Today they announced the new Lego die Mannschaft collectibles. There is thankfully one of Jogi but not one of Schneider. Given how much I don’t like the latter it’s probably for the best. What’s not so good is there isn’t one of Matze Ginter or Jonas Hector, I’m very disappointed about them not being included. At least the unveiling was fun, “the world’s smallest press conference.” They’re released one month and two days from now, the 14th of May and I can’t wait. I don’t play with Lego anymore, haven’t done in a long time in fact. But I’m still ridiculously excited about it.

Lego Jogi Löw & Sami Khedira Lego Jogi Löw Lego die Mannschaft 1 Lego die Mannschaft 2

The Day of Ginter Part 3

It’s not surprise that when I don’t get enough sleep a lot of things get misplaced, both in a literal and a figurative sense. It’s not at all surprising that I’m having trouble keeping track of my belongings when right now it feels like I can’t even keep track of myself. Everything feels rather strange at the moment and has a feeling of unreality about it. Any sense of reality or of time passing just isn’t there. I would say that today doesn’t feel like a Sunday but truth is it doesn’t feel like any day, nothing feels like anything just this minute. That made sense in my head but doesn’t make much sense seeing it written down.

One thing which certainly has not gotten lost despite how confusing things are is my ability to feel happy. It is a strange yet happy end to a very strange week. As the title suggests Matze Ginter is a contributor to this happiness. He scored Dortmund’s second goal today against Schalke, the first being scored by Shinji Kagawa. It’s not the only reason though, the main reason is Freiburg beating St Pauli 4-3. To make things even stranger Matze Ginter scored the last time Dortmund played Schalke, in fact Shinji Kagawa did too. Even funnier is the fact Dortmund’s game has a few things in common with Freiburg’s. Both featured a penalty (though thankfully St Pauli’s was meaningless in regards to the final result) and both saw a very curious goal. In Dortmund’s it was a deflection which resulted in Ginter scoring his goal and in Freiburg’s an own goal by Nils Petersen. Yes really, Freiburg’s top scorer (not to mention league top scorer) ended up putting the ball into his own net, no doubt he’s never going to hear the end of that. At least Vincenzo’s Grifo’s goal was very sweet indeed. Yesterday I thought I saw what was my favourite goal of the weekend, Daniel Didavi’s consolation goal against Bayern. But then along came tricky little Grifo and changed everything:

Daniel_Didavi_goal_VfB_v_Bayern_2015_16 Vincenzo_Grifo_goal_SC_Freiburg_St_PauliThankfully there are a few things which are different, one being the fact Freiburg won today. Back then they played Duisburg that weekend and drew 1-1, it sent them to the top of the table but they didn’t really deserve to be there. Today however they do and they’ll stay there for the rest of the week. To make things even sweeter not only do I not have to worry about Leipzig’s game tomorrow night but today 1.FCN lost to Duisburg of all teams, meaning there’s a three point gap between them and Freiburg.

Some things however never change, being unable to get a decent night’s sleep seems to be one of them. As does preventing myself from obsessing over social stuff. In the past 48 hours I’ve gotten a grand total of eight hours and about 44 minutes of sleep. I can be so precise about the latter because I knew exactly when I feel asleep and woke up yesterday, right at the start of the second half of Wolfsburg’s game and I woke up in the 89th minute.

The day Dortmund played Schalke last year I wrote a post which was partly about any possible connection between a lack of sleep and acting more autistic than usual. Up until now I’d forgotten all about it, that I’d written that. It could very well be the answer I’m looking for here. The explanation to why I’ve been acting the way I have these past few weeks. I can’t seem to snap out of it, to get everything straight again. But then that’s probably true of the past few months in general. One particularly troublesome aspect of all this is how obsessive and repetitive I am at the moment. It looks strange writing it down, truth is I’m not really sure how to explain it. I’m normally a very repetitive person anyway, I like repeating words and phrases to myself, and parts of songs and TV theme tunes, not to mention playing back any small moments from matches or films in my head which amuse me. But at the moment it seems like it’s all I’m doing, like there’s little room in my head for anything else. I’m very confused about all this but not particularly unhappy right now. Other than some more sleep the only thing which could make this weekend more perfect would have been a Jogi video and it’s the one thing I didn’t get. All I have is footage of Schneider at Gladbach’s game against Ingolstadt and Sami Khedira at VfB Stuttgart v Bayern. The latter in particular is a real catch, it resulted in me getting this picture of a very dapper looking Sami Khedira:

Sami Khedira at VfB Stuttgart v Bayern 2015-16Three points for Freiburg, a Matze Ginter goal, a new and very amusing Thomas Tuchel GIF. I really can’t complain. In fact the only negative of today was seeing Matze Ginter get hit in the face and bleeding as a result. I have a huge crush on Matze and greatly enjoy collecting pictures of him. One picture missing from my collection is a decent one of him shirtless. I have some but they all have flaws. The ones I obtained today are also flawed, because if he hadn’t gotten hit in the face he wouldn’t have needed to change his shirt to begin with. But at least they’re mine and they don’t have any stupid writing or watermarks on them.

Thomas_Tuchel_goal_celebration_Schalke_v_DortmundMatthias Ginter - Schalke v Dortmund 1 Matthias Ginter - Schalke v Dortmund 2 Matthias Ginter - Schalke v Dortmund 3 Matthias Ginter - Schalke v Dortmund 4 Matthias Ginter - Schalke v Dortmund 5 Matthias Ginter - Schalke v Dortmund 6 Matthias Ginter - Schalke v Dortmund 7 Matthias Ginter - Schalke v Dortmund 8 Matthias Ginter - Schalke v Dortmund post-match interview 1 Matthias Ginter - Schalke v Dortmund post-match interview 2 Matthias Ginter - Schalke v Dortmund post-match interview 3 Matthias Ginter - Schalke v Dortmund post-match interview 4

Fighting the Good Fight

I could be fighting against a lot of things right now, god knows there’s enough idiots on the internet to contend with and in real life for the matter. Autism stuff, politics,  not to mention football related disagreements. There’s plenty I could be getting angry about. But I’m not, the fight I’m thinking about right now is not my fight. Not really since it’s not my team. It’s not my team but I know whose side I’m on, Matze Ginter v Emre Can. Team Ginter all the way.

The fight in question being what I’ve been dreaming of ever since the beginning of this season’s Europa League. Now it’s finally happened, Dortmund being drawn with Liverpool. I’m pretty sure I know how this story ends but it makes it no less exciting. I have a new name for Klopp now, from now on I’m going to call him Prophet Jürgen. Because last night he said of course we don’t want to be drawn with Dortmund, why would we want to be drawn with the strongest team in the competition.

Right now I’m dealing with a different sort of fight, that of trying to stay awake. It’s no doubt a waste of time but I’m trying anyway. It’s not just this task which is pointless but the bigger picture too. I could stay awake now but it’s no guarantee it’ll get all of this straightened out. I keep things straight for a few days and then it goes back to how it was. To sleeping in the day instead of at night. Sometimes I wonder why I’m even bothering, why I keep putting myself through this. Then I remember, the team. Everything else can be let go, it doesn’t matter a whole lot if I don’t go outside so much or if I’m around other people. But missing  a game is not an option. I’ve seen every single competitive game this season, both league and cup. I’m not going to screw that up now just because things have gotten a little difficult. I wish it weren’t such a battle but then I wish so many things were easier. I guess you just have to take it one day at a time. And be grateful that I have something to look forward to, that there is something which still motivates me. When you run out of reasons to get out of bed, then you’re in trouble. I’m not quite there yet, I may need to occasionally remind myself I have a reason but that’s all.

It would be all too easy to just sleep as much as possible in order to hide away from reality, like I don’t do that enough already. There’s nothing strange about that, what’s strange is specifically what I’m trying to hide away from. Next week is the international break, the first since the last one which went so badly wrong. I’m not looking forward to it, it doesn’t feel like I can enjoy it in quite the same way. Part of me just wants it to be over already, Which makes no sense, in thinking that way I’m wishing away my favourite part of the whole week, my Jogi videos. It has to feel right again at some point, doesn’t it? Or am I fighting yet another losing battle?

Snow King Florian & the Otherwise Quiet Week

Florian Niederlechner’s goal is still the highlight of the week, there’s little that can beat it. This week has been strange and not just because of Monday night’s snow filled adventures. Despite not getting a good night’s sleep and not really having a routine to speak of I’m actually quite relaxed. Which would be odd enough anyway. My first instinct was to pick it apart and work out why. I resisted such temptations, thinking that I should just enjoy it whilst it lasts. I can’t help but think of what Sam said in CA:TWS, about how everyone has their issues and problems but you have to decide how much of it you’re going to carry around with you. Whether you’re going to need a little man purse or a holdall. Normally I’d say I need the latter but not right now. Sleeping problems aside everything else is ok, for once I have some sense of balance. That is I’m not spending all my time focusing one thing to the exclusion of everything else. In the past few days I’ve found time for football, watching a film, reading and playing Lego Marvel Superheroes. The game in particular has proved to be a great source of fun. It’s been a long time since I’ve played a Lego game and I’d forgotten how relaxing they can be. Sure they have their frustrating moments as well but there’s little as fun as smashing stuff up and collecting the proceeds. Equally pleasant is the ever familiar sound of Lego bricks being put together and the sound effects when you collect a mini kit. Some things never get old and Lego games are one of those things. With all the collectibles to get it should tide me over until I can afford to buy the Deadpool game.

I have to admit it’s strange not to be freaking out over anything. Not that I’m complaining, I just can’t help note how odd it all feels. I’m not even beating myself up for having not written a great deal. I figure a few days without having done much is no big deal. The only thing on my mind has been the decision over what to name my YouTube channel, I’ve been trying to come up with a new name since just after Christmas but nothing fit. Until now that is, it’s not something I came up with by myself, not entirely anyway. On the highlights the commentator called Florian a snow king. I found it amusing and evidently liked the nickname because a few minutes later without even trying I came up with the the new name, “SnowKing Schwolow.” With the save he made in the 93rd minute he deserves such a title too. It’s funny, now both my YouTube channels are in someway named after him and both names are Freiburg related.

As great as all this is it’s not a solution and not just because being unable to sleep at night makes everything difficult, like seeing Freiburg’s game on Sunday for one thing. I haven’t quite figured that part out yet. The reason this isn’t something which can continue too long is because the only reason things  are quiet is because I’m not dealing with anything. I haven’t talked to anyone or conducted any kind of interaction which wasn’t absolutely necessary. It feels great not having to talk to anyone, knowing that there’s no possible mistakes to obsess over. But I can’t hide away forever, I know that. It just makes it clear how impossible all this is. Stay inside and have little to do with the real world and I can for the most part avoid getting stressed out. Don’t do that and I can’t. But then of course you’re not dealing with anything or taking care of yourself. I don’t know how to resolve that or if it’s even resolvable. In order to have any kind life in the real world and be responsible for myself does that mean having to accept that I’m going to be anxious and on edge a lot of the time? Which option is worse I wonder. Dealing with that or not having any kind life and being free of it all. I wonder if such things are part of the reason for the rift that’s developed with one of my friends. If it’s because they’re growing up and it seems like I’m not. Whatever the reasons I’m not upset about it, I’m relieved. It was starting to feel like just another obligation. It may have not been the best way for it to happen but I’m glad I was able to be honest about my feelings for once, or to be more precise a lack of them in this case. It’s nice knowing I no longer have to lie or hide anything, that I don’t have to pretend not to be interested in things that some people consider childish. Forget about hiding them I have a new sticker album on the way. It’s the Serbian one for the European Championships and is superior to the Panini version for one simple reason, there’s a sticker of Jogi Löw. There’s another cool thing about it too, there are packets with different designs and Manuel Neuer is one of them which is the coolest thing ever.

Cool Like Kroos/Step One

This Friday is already going better than last week did, out of bed and dressed before midday. It seems the Europa league L16 draw was sufficient motivation to get out of bed. It’s a good thing too, I can’t get up late tomorrow because Freiburg are playing. I know I said I was going to take a  live and let live approach as regards to my sleeping patterns but if the pieces come together themselves that’s not a bad thing either. Maybe that’s what I need to do, to stop overthinking it and just let it happen. Today is so far going fine which is just as well seeing as how yesterday was something of a nightmare. I certainly needed to keep in mind that dream about Toni Kroos, keeping cool was the order of the day. Though I didn’t entirely succeed on this count. Still the rant wasn’t so bad, at least I wasn’t ranting about the person I was talking to. I managed to keep all of what I was thinking to myself. The rant in question was about how I’m sick of hearing the words “high-functioning autism” and how annoyed I am by it’s constant repetition online. It’s a phrase which has little real meaning and is not a diagnostic term yet it’s one which continues to get used, and it drives me nuts. Partly because people seem to think it equates to “mild autism” or to just being a little socially off, quirky and obsessive. But that’s a rant for another time, I’m not getting angry now. Not about that and not about anything else.

I knew the day wasn’t going to go well when they didn’t show up in the place we agreed to meet. Part of wishes I’d just gotten on the next train home and forgotten about the whole thing, I was tempted to do that. But I didn’t, as regards the film I’m glad I didn’t. As for the rest of the day, I wish I took the train home. It happened exactly the same as last time, I got in my head that they weren’t there and adjusted my plans accordingly. Then of course they showed up at the cinema and I had to adjust again. I know what the problem is here, I know I have issues with being flexible and being too rigid in my expectations. That’s not the issue, the problem is I wanted them not to be there. I wanted to see the film by myself and just generally be left alone. The first time I wanted them not to be there because I was mad at them. This time I’m not mad at them for being unreliable, I just didn’t want to see them.

I didn’t have to worry so much with talking too much, instead I had the opposite problem, that of finding any words at all. Except for the rant which wasn’t planned at all I had no idea what to talk about. I think the friendship is finally coming to and end. I have a hunch they might feel the same way. At least I hope they do, it’ll make what comes next easier. They themselves summed up the problem, I don’t know if it was deliberate on their part. If their words were meant to tell me something, whether it was deliberate or not I got the message. They talked about someone new they’ve met and whom they like. The gist of their point was that conversation with the person in question is easy and flows naturally, it just builds itself. Not like us then, not anymore anyway. Though as of late I feel that way with a lot of people but more so with them, it’s true.

It’s kind of weird that we saw Deadpool in light of recent developments. In the film Deadpool in his previous life falls in love in an unlikely set of circumstances. But it works for them, until he gets sick anyway. He left for her, because he didn’t want her to see him suffer. Everything he did was for her. I can only imagine what it must be like to love someone else that much. At the end after everything has gone wrong and she sees him for who he is now she accepts him back. He was scared she would reject him because of the way he looks and I guess because she’d be angry at him for leaving, which she was. I’m not sure what my point is, just that it felt weird to be watching that film now.

The journey home was the worst point, this was the problem the last time I went out as well. Though it turned out to be a little different this time, at least I didn’t have to deal with feeling like I was going to suffocate. In a way that would have been easier to deal with, at least with that you know what’s going on and what to do about it. I hate not knowing how I’m feeling, just having a general idea that I’m on edge about something. I’m not quite sure what prompted such a reaction, I was a little stressed out on the first part of the journey but not so much. Nothing that my headphones and some fan-fiction couldn’t fix. It might be their unexpected presence, it wasn’t planned for them to be a part of the return journey. I don’t like surprises or deal well with them at the best of times, so that may be the reason.

I just wanted them to go away, I was trying and failing to listen to them. At the same time I was trying to remember Toni Kroos, about being as calm and collected as he is known for being. Being afraid and worried is fine, letting other people see that is not. I was also thinking about what the Hulk said to Captain America when he told him it was time to get angry: “That’s my secret Cap, I’m always angry.”

I’m not always angry but I am always very close to the edge of being so. Most of the time it doesn’t take much to push me over the edge.
All I had to do was to get through it, to keep calm and remain as much as possible in control. This is the kind of situation Jogi cards were made for. Somehow I got through it in one piece, though not without them picking up on the fact something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t appreciate their remark about selective hearing though. That really upset me, I thought they of all people would know how difficult it is to listen to other people, let alone when you’re in an environment you aren’t entirely comfortable with. At that point I decided on giving up on putting so much effort into it. If they don’t appreciate the effort you’re making then it’s not worth it. I shouldn’t even have been trying anyway, I should have just told them the truth and admitted I can neither listen nor talk right now. I should have saved my resources for more important things.

All things considered it wasn’t a good day but it could have been worse. I can see that now. After all I did get home in one piece, I couldn’t pay much attention to Dortmund’s game last night that’s true but I can watch it again. The main thing is I didn’t spend all of today in bed because of it. The events of one day are not going to be allowed to dictate how I feel about the rest of the weekend. No, that’s Freiburg’s job. They play Kaiserslautern tomorrow. How I feel about the weekend will instead rest upon how well they play and the result of the game. Just like it should be.