I would say it’s been one of those days but that’s not strictly accurate, technically its been two days. Though it feels like a lot longer. Time seems to be moving very slowly right now. It sure doesn’t feel like only two days have passed since Monday. I knew it was too good to be true, no way was that going to last. From high to low and back again. I spent most of Tuesday asleep and part of Wednesday went the same way, not because I was tired exactly. More because there was all this time to fill and I didn’t know what to do with it. Everything just feels like such an effort and getting out of bed felt no different, it was easier to just do nothing. I get the feeling hiding from everything is the best option. Monday felt like a good day but it’s like I’m paying the price for it now. Or maybe I just feel that way because of all the changes. Now I definitely feel like the universe is working against me. Last minute changes are never any good but especially not when they’re as big as this. I have no clue what’s going on and neither does anyone else. The only thing I know for sure is there’s going to be many more sleepless nights because of this. Not that it really matters, I’m sure that would happen anyway. Routine can be comforting and at the moment it’s one of the few sources of security I have. Yet at the same time it can feel relentless. Knowing you have to get up day after day and do all of this again. Sometimes it’s more suffocating than comforting. Late at night is the only time I feel anything approaching fine and even then it’s just an illusion. I think I only feel that way because it’s late, there’s no-one around, there’s no pressure on me and I don’t have to pretend for anyone or anything. The minute I’m reminded of reality everything comes crashing down and it all falls apart. Left in my own little world then I’m fine, but you can’t do that forever.
I used to think days like this are just one day, you can get through them because you know it comes to an end, that not all days are like this. But when they all feel this way or when there’s more bad days than good ones, then I don’t know what to tell myself. Why would you want to keep waking up when this is all you have to look forward to? Sure there are good things but not enough of them. And one day won’t they run out? Or maybe they won’t be enough. The books I’m reading probably aren’t helping, they’re full of deaths, suicides and people going missing. Perhaps not the best thing to be reading with the mood I’m in. But reading happy stuff (not that I own anything like that) would just make me feel worse. So I find myself right back where I started. I don’t know what I’m doing or why. And I have no idea what to do with the rest of the day. It feels wrong to go back to bed, again. Yet none of the other options seem particularly appealing either. All I’ve done is gotten up and had breakfast and I feel like I’m done already. If I make myself stay awake a few hours from now I’ll feel somewhat invincible and I’ll want to do everything, I might even actually write something. And as always the crash will follow it. I don’t know what the right thing to do is, or if there’s even a right thing. I guess you just have to keep on bumbling through it, knowing why isn’t so important as just keeping at it is. I know from getting out of the habit with writing that you take a break and it proves very difficult to get back into the habit.
And on the subject of habits, the calendars. From the Freiburg calendar is defender Georg Niedermeier and he’s joined by Freiburg’s top scorer Maximilian Philipp. I have no pictures of the former and it’s not because there are none, I just don’t like him. They signed him on a free transfer from VfB Stuttgart, and it’s not just where he came from which bothers me. It’s the fact he was part of a Stuttgart defence which conceded 75 goals. But they signed him so they must see something in him doesn’t mean I have to like him though. On the other hand I have plenty of pictures of Max, you never get enough good pictures of him. I can’t wait till he’s healthy again and I can add some more pictures to my collection, and more importantly he can add some more goals to his. And from the Dortmund calendar is midfield maestro Shinji Kagawa who despite his bit part status so far this season I hope stays at Dortmund. Joining him is Turkish winger Emre Mor who scored his first goal for Dortmund in his first league apperance against Darmstadt, scoring the final goal in a 6-0 thrashing:
Posted in Autism, Fußball, Germany, SC Freiburg
Tagged Autism/Asperger's Syndrome, Borussia Dortmund, Depression, Emre Mor, Georg Niedermeier, Maximilian Phillipp, SC Freiburg, Shinji Kagawa
It’s not surprise that when I don’t get enough sleep a lot of things get misplaced, both in a literal and a figurative sense. It’s not at all surprising that I’m having trouble keeping track of my belongings when right now it feels like I can’t even keep track of myself. Everything feels rather strange at the moment and has a feeling of unreality about it. Any sense of reality or of time passing just isn’t there. I would say that today doesn’t feel like a Sunday but truth is it doesn’t feel like any day, nothing feels like anything just this minute. That made sense in my head but doesn’t make much sense seeing it written down.
One thing which certainly has not gotten lost despite how confusing things are is my ability to feel happy. It is a strange yet happy end to a very strange week. As the title suggests Matze Ginter is a contributor to this happiness. He scored Dortmund’s second goal today against Schalke, the first being scored by Shinji Kagawa. It’s not the only reason though, the main reason is Freiburg beating St Pauli 4-3. To make things even stranger Matze Ginter scored the last time Dortmund played Schalke, in fact Shinji Kagawa did too. Even funnier is the fact Dortmund’s game has a few things in common with Freiburg’s. Both featured a penalty (though thankfully St Pauli’s was meaningless in regards to the final result) and both saw a very curious goal. In Dortmund’s it was a deflection which resulted in Ginter scoring his goal and in Freiburg’s an own goal by Nils Petersen. Yes really, Freiburg’s top scorer (not to mention league top scorer) ended up putting the ball into his own net, no doubt he’s never going to hear the end of that. At least Vincenzo’s Grifo’s goal was very sweet indeed. Yesterday I thought I saw what was my favourite goal of the weekend, Daniel Didavi’s consolation goal against Bayern. But then along came tricky little Grifo and changed everything:
Thankfully there are a few things which are different, one being the fact Freiburg won today. Back then they played Duisburg that weekend and drew 1-1, it sent them to the top of the table but they didn’t really deserve to be there. Today however they do and they’ll stay there for the rest of the week. To make things even sweeter not only do I not have to worry about Leipzig’s game tomorrow night but today 1.FCN lost to Duisburg of all teams, meaning there’s a three point gap between them and Freiburg.
Some things however never change, being unable to get a decent night’s sleep seems to be one of them. As does preventing myself from obsessing over social stuff. In the past 48 hours I’ve gotten a grand total of eight hours and about 44 minutes of sleep. I can be so precise about the latter because I knew exactly when I feel asleep and woke up yesterday, right at the start of the second half of Wolfsburg’s game and I woke up in the 89th minute.
The day Dortmund played Schalke last year I wrote a post which was partly about any possible connection between a lack of sleep and acting more autistic than usual. Up until now I’d forgotten all about it, that I’d written that. It could very well be the answer I’m looking for here. The explanation to why I’ve been acting the way I have these past few weeks. I can’t seem to snap out of it, to get everything straight again. But then that’s probably true of the past few months in general. One particularly troublesome aspect of all this is how obsessive and repetitive I am at the moment. It looks strange writing it down, truth is I’m not really sure how to explain it. I’m normally a very repetitive person anyway, I like repeating words and phrases to myself, and parts of songs and TV theme tunes, not to mention playing back any small moments from matches or films in my head which amuse me. But at the moment it seems like it’s all I’m doing, like there’s little room in my head for anything else. I’m very confused about all this but not particularly unhappy right now. Other than some more sleep the only thing which could make this weekend more perfect would have been a Jogi video and it’s the one thing I didn’t get. All I have is footage of Schneider at Gladbach’s game against Ingolstadt and Sami Khedira at VfB Stuttgart v Bayern. The latter in particular is a real catch, it resulted in me getting this picture of a very dapper looking Sami Khedira:
Three points for Freiburg, a Matze Ginter goal, a new and very amusing Thomas Tuchel GIF. I really can’t complain. In fact the only negative of today was seeing Matze Ginter get hit in the face and bleeding as a result. I have a huge crush on Matze and greatly enjoy collecting pictures of him. One picture missing from my collection is a decent one of him shirtless. I have some but they all have flaws. The ones I obtained today are also flawed, because if he hadn’t gotten hit in the face he wouldn’t have needed to change his shirt to begin with. But at least they’re mine and they don’t have any stupid writing or watermarks on them.
Posted in Autism, Fußball, Matthias Ginter, The Daily Prompt
Tagged Autism/Asperger's Syndrome, Borussia Dortmund, Matthias Ginter, Nils Petersen, Sami Khedira, SC Freiburg, Schalke 04, Shinji Kagawa, Sleeping patterns, Thomas Tuchel, Vincenzo Grifo