Sometimes you get some sleep and it seems to fix everything, other times like today it makes no difference at all. Waking up I was just as tired as before I went to sleep and it took what felt like forever to actually get out of bed. I really did want to stay there, to not have to move and get up. I had nothing I really had to do today yet I felt that way anyway. And I don’t feel much different to yesterday. In fact I feel worse in one way but that’s entirely my own fault. I shouldn’t be reading about such things when I’m in a good mood let alone when I’m feeling like I am right now. It’s not like I need a reminder of people’s ignorant attitudes toward disabled children and disability in general. I recorded three games tonight and haven’t really watched any of them. I’ve seen a little bit of all of them and that’s all I’ve done, I just couldn’t focus on anything. And to make the night a little bit more disappointing I didn’t get a Jogi video. Though I did at least get one of Miro to make up for it. So at least that’s not so bad. There’s nothing like that to make up for the rest of the stuff but at least I got something to show for the night, even if the day once more went to waste the night didn’t. Well not for me anyway, for Gladbach on the other hand it’s a night they’ll very much want to forget having lost 4-0 to Barcelona. Bayern were also facing Spanish opposition in the form of Atletico Madrid. They got a much wanted 1-0 win, the points meaning nothing in terms of the final group standings but it being very much a point of pride. The goalscorer was Robert Lewandowski and he has something else to be rather proud of, announcing that he’s going to be a father.
I don’t know how to straighten this all out, everything I’ve tried hasn’t worked. Leaving me to consider that at this point maybe I should just accept it. I mean it’s not like it makes much difference, I have nowhere to be in the day. It’s not going to cause any real problems right now. All that matters is being awake in the daytime for weekends. No-one would care if I disappeared out of sight completely during the week. It would be a relief in a sense to stop fighting it. I don’t know what if anything I should do, I’m just tired of feeling tired and I want all of this to go away.
When I wake up I can’t and don’t want to think about anything. And after a few hours when it gets really late then I can’t stop thinking. All these thoughts come out of nowhere and I don’t know what to do with them. Most of them aren’t of any use, there’s nothing to channel into a story. It’s just anger and frustration at the ignorance of other people mostly. There’s nothing that can be channeled into anything constructive. And right now that anger extends to the book I’m reading. It’s the Icelandic one I mentioned in yesterday’s post named “The Draining Lake.” The source of my anger being the fact Erlendur agrees with a suspect who makes a comment about how you’re not allowed to call mentally disabled people halfwits anymore. They both agree that political correctness has rendered language useless in order to avoid offending anyone. From my experience people who complain about language being too politically correct these days are usually the ones who want to say the most offensive things and are unhappy they can’t anymore. How would they feel if they had a disabled relative and someone saw fit to refer to them as backwards or a halfwit. No doubt they wouldn’t like it very much. But then such people tend to be hypocrites of the highest order. It’s a curious book to be reading right now because part of it takes place in Leipzig and there are characters named Tomas, Niels and Emil. With the setting and that last name it just adds insult to injury. I really don’t like Leipzig, not the city of course, just their football team.
I don’t want to be thinking about any of that but it took root in my mind and I got fixated on it just like always. I want to be thinking about the stories I’m meant to be finishing but they aren’t going well. It’s just so hard to focus on anything. When it’s late enough like it is now I can at least read, whilst I’m grateful for that I’d much rather be able to write something. I hate not doing anything, if I’m going to spend all my time alone in my room I at least want something to show for it and something other than countless hours racked up on yet another game. Not that it’s an option anyway, I can’t even be bothered to do that. The only thing I really care about is getting back to my stories, writing is the only thing which feels important. I know ultimately it’s just as meaingless as anything else I do but they matter to me. Obsessing over the fact I’m struggling to write probably isn’t helping. I should be working out how to get in the right kind of headspace to do that, focusing on being calm and relaxed enough, in other words not getting angry at random people on the internet. I think spending a bit less time reading such things and more time reading books is what’s called for. I do at least have plenty of books to read and I don’t have to worry about picking any either. I know what I’m reading over Christmas, one of those books being my by now annual re-read of The Book Thief. Plot hole or not it’s one of my favourite books and reading it in December has become something of a tradition now and you don’t mess with traditions. Speaking of Christmas I woud have liked to finish Jogi and Hansi’s Christmas story by now, it would have been perfect with it being St Nikolaus day but unfortunately it’s nowhere near finished. It’s just like everything else I’m working on right now, a lot of ideas but all of it in fragments and half written chapters, no coherence anywhere in sight. Which could pretty much be said of everything right now actually.
As for what to do now I have no clue, stay up and I’ll end up regretting it, go to bed and I’ll end up feeling much the same way. Whatever I do it ends up feeling wrong. I feel the same way about my plans on Thursday but I’ve said yes now, so there’s no backing out. I don’t like letting people down. Besides it’s the same as deciding whether or not to stay up or go to bed, whatever I do I’ll end up paying for it and regretting it.
At least it was a good day in terms of what the calendars had to offer, two players that I like a great deal, the Dortmund one having provided one of my favourite ever GIFs. The player in question being Sokratis Papastathopoulos, or for those who don’t want to brave that tongue twister of a name and are somewhat fond of him Papa:
And Florian Niederlechner is plenty special too having scored plenty of important goals for Freiburg in their promotion campaign last year, not least the winner against RBL which is the reason he’s called the Snow King and both goals against his old club Heidenheim on the penultimate day of the season. Funnily enough he also scored against his old club Mainz when Freiburg played them a few weeks ago: