They definitely kept the best till last as far as the stickers are concerned, Toni Kroos is a pretty damn good Christmas present to get. Though I’m plenty happy with my real life gifts too. That’s one of the best things about a German Christmas (other than Bratwurst at the Christmas market that is), getting your presents a day early. It means I get a head start on playing my new PC games, at least I’ll have plenty to occupy myself with whilst the Bundesliga takes it’s winter break.
It’s not quite the case that Christmas is cancelled because Freiburg got knocked out of the DFB Pokal on Wednesday, but it’s certainly not the way you want the first half of the season to end. Then again it’s not the fact they got knocked out, more by whom and how. Losing to Bremen was bad enough but doing so because of a goal which wasn’t a legal goal, well that’s going to hurt for quite some time. It’s funny, ever since the season started I’ve been bemoaning the existence and use of VAR and on Wednesday night I was angry because it wasn’t in use. Had it been in use it might have affected the outcome of Gladbach’s game against Leverkusen too, and the player who elbowed Matze in the head would have been sent off like he should have been. Though I’m not sure the VAR would have helped in the peculiar situation of the diving coach. That was truly bizarre, Leverkusen’s coach seemingly taking a dive after a Gladbach player almost clattered into him but just avoided him the end. Definitely the funniest moment from this week’s games.
But there’s point obsessing over it, they’re out and that’s that. I guess I should see the good point of the situation, it’s one less distraction from the all important task of staying in the league. First up after the winter break is Eintracht Frankfurt, a fixture that holds some very good memories indeed. Back in 2015 that was Nils Petersen’s first game as a Freiburg player, first game, first hat-trick. He didn’t take the penalty though, Vladimir Darida did that.
As much as I’m looking forward to that game I don’t really want to be thinking about January right now. Thinking so far ahead counts as thinking big and that’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t want to think big or make plans, all I want is for just a few months to have a nice quiet, peaceful existence, nothing more. I’m not making any new year’s resolutions and it’s not only because I see no point in doing so, more that for a while I don’t want anything to happen. Last year I got sucked into thinking everything was fine in December and then everything fell apart in January. So I don’t want the same thing to happen again, I don’t want to make any assumptions.
On the subject of things happening I made a decision earlier this week which surprised myself, not only me but the other relevant parties as well. I don’t know if it came out of nowhere or I’d already subconsciously decided this but either way I made the decision for the next appointment to be the last. It’s not entirely for the reasons I stated on Wednesday though. It’s not because I think I don’t need to talk anymore right now. Actually it’s the opposite, I’m tired of talking. I’m tired of having to go there knowing I won’t really tell the whole truth anyway. And I know that’s partly my fault, it’s just not easy to be honest and trust someone when for years you’ve gotten used to the fact that’s not an option. To borrow a quote from one of my favourite shows The Bridge, “my plan is not to have a plan.”I just want to read books and sleep. Mostly I just want to be left alone. I don’t know if it’s people I’m tired of or rather the pretense I feel like I need to put on in order to be around them. Either way I really wish I didn’t have somewhere to go tomorrow. I wish I’d been brave enough to say no when I was invited. I should be grateful I have friends yet right now I just want everyone to go away.
I want nothing more than to stay inside and lose myself in books, to just escape from reality completely. That’s one of things I talked about on Wednesday, how books are a better distraction for me than anything else. Playing Playstation is a good way to pass time but not to occupy my mind in quite the same way. No, playing games is more like anesthetizing yourself in a way but books are something else. At least that’s one good thing about the past few months, I set myself the target of reading 75 books this year and I’m one off reaching that goal. I just finished reading Going Underground, a book which features an autistic detective. I know, I shouldn’t even be reading books with autistic characters in them when they’re written by NTs because I invariably end up ranting about them. And this one did frustrate me a little, though not as much as Rubbernecker did. I suppose the fact the author actually has an autistic son has something to do with that. One good thing about the book is the writer takes the time to make it clear that Jonathan is an investigator, not a policeman. That’s important because the idea of someone like Jonathan being a policeman is absurd.
I am though unhappy with certain aspects of his character, like the fact he doesn’t seem to understand humour at all and that he’s completely oblivious to popular cultural references. I know some people with autism either don’t get or just don’t do humour. But I hate it when an autistic character is portrayed that way because it’s so stereotypical and it reinforces the view the general public holds that autistic people don’t get jokes. And even more importantly sometimes you come across parents who actually believe their child can’t be autistic because “my son is nice, friendly, intelligent and has a fantastic sense of humour.” Yeah, none of that precludes a person being autistic. I find that so offensive, the implication that we’re all unfriendly, stupid, unfeeling people who have no sense of humour whatsoever. Similarly I find it equally offensive that somehow autistic has become shorthand for “socially awkward/pedantic/weird/obsessive/mean/critical. Basically some NTs are using autistic as a synonym for any trait they don’t like or consider to be a negative trait. And that’s the other trait I wish writers would use less of when writing autistic characters, emotional detachment. Lots of autistic people have the opposite problem, feeling too much. They might not be able to actually express that however.
At least I knew the other book I was reading wouldn’t let me down, Bernie Gunther never has, well not so far anyway. I just finished book seven, Field Grey. From what I read of the reviews it seems to be a book which divides opinions. I have to admit it is the most challenging of them so far but it was interesting, I didn’t find the couple hundred pages of interrogations boring. I liked seeing the puzzle being pieced together and learning what happened to him after the war ended. Though it got a little confusing in the end with all the double crossing, I will admit that. It hasn’t dampened my enthusiasm any, I can’t wait to start reading the next one. I can take some comfort from that, the fact I’m looking forward to something.
With the way I’ve been feeling lately I’ve not really seen the point in doing anything and that includes writing, though I doubt myself when it comes to writing a lot anyway. I don’t find it easy to let other people read what I’ve written, especially when it’s fiction. Every once in a while I think what’s the point in writing anything when most of it is destined to go unread by anyone but me. Today I was provided with a very good reason as to why it’s important to keep writing a certain kind of story, that is the autism themed ones. Earlier I got sent a link to a post about a very offensive book about autism. A book which I’m not going to name, though I don’t really need to, the details will unfortunately make it clear. For there aren’t many books written by such a despicable human being who somehow manages to combine self centerdness, child abuse, hatred of disabled people and eugenics. The worst thing of all is the book isn’t fiction.
Before I read the link I thought “great another autism book written by one of those parents” but didn’t really expect it to be any worse than the many terrible articles and books I’ve read in the past. I was wrong, very wrong. I’ve read several articles and tweets about the book, enough to know that I’m not going to be able to read it without physically destroying the book in the process. I wish I could say I’m surprised, but not that much. It’s all too depressingly familiar. You live in a world where a parent of an autistic child murders that child and they are somehow the one who gets all the sympathy – then you can’t be surprised about stuff like this. Even so being sad their child is autistic is one thing, openly mocking them and writing a book in which you call them names and share their personal information, that is so far beyond the line it defies description. To think a few days ago I was ranting about the tv show The A Word and how terrible his parents are. In doing so I said “I’m so glad Joe is fictional because the thought of a kid having parents like that in real life is unbearable.”
Well, now it’s the other way around. I wish this boy were fictional. I wish as his evil mother thinks that autistic people like him and me didn’t have feelings and thoughts, that we didn’t understand that people like her hate us. What’s most disturbing about the book (I know, try and pick) is the review from a newspaper praising it for it’s “refreshing honesty.” You mean you’re glad this parent wrote this book saying how disabled people like her son are a burden, that they shouldn’t reproduce, openly making fun of them and terrorizing them? Are they glad because they think that way too but the constraints of civilized society prevent them from openly expressing their views? And now that a parent of a disabled child has said it they feel like it’s validated their views somehow? I’m so disappointed that Jon Stewart had anything good to say about this book, more disappointed than I can even put into words.
Anyway, the point I was going to make before getting lost in my rant is that without even actually reading it that book reminded me of why it’s important for people who actually understand autism to write about it. My stories are always realistic in that sense and sometimes that means they are a little depressing, but I write about the good and bad sides of autism. I don’t shy away from writing about difficult stuff and I don’t oversell the positives. My own situation has provided me with a perfect viewpoint as to how autism can mean very different things for different people. But when “those parents” rant at you about how you don’t understand autism because you’re high functioning they fail to realise that. Somehow their “normal” brain doesn’t register the fact that an autistic person like myself is highly likely to have at least one autistic sibling. Point that out and they’ll probably foolishly assume they’re “high-functioning” like you. Same as they foolishly assume that being able to type makes you capable of everything you need to do in order to function in the real world. With all their stupidity and rigid views maybe they have something wrong with them.
All that ranting and I haven’t even mentioned football once, that doesn’t happen often. It’s not like nothing has happened on that front today either, two coaches sacked in one day. Well only of them of them officially, Dortmund haven’t officially confirmed it yet but that’ll no doubt happen in the morning. It’s no surprise and I don’t mean because of the terrible streak Dortmund have been on lately. I’m not enjoying someone else’s downfall, just enjoying being right and winning my bet. They should have kept Thomas Tuchel. Ironic thing is in winning today Bremen helped me win my bet. All the same I would have preferred they not win, it’s put even more pressure on Freiburg tomorrow morning to beat Cologne. Thanks to Bremen winning Freiburg drop back down into 17th place. With only two match-days left it’s looking like it’s going to be another Christmas spent in the relegation zone.