Things haven’t exactly been good on the writing front (or any other for that matter) so taking on the challenge of posting every day may not be the best thing to do right now. Not least because the challenge is incomplete anyway because for reasons I don’t understand it proved impossible to get a Freiburg calendar. At first that gave me the perfect excuse not to even bother trying doing this, though I didn’t really need an excuse. The same excuse I use for everything else these days probably would have sufficed, that is the excuse of “I can’t be bothered.”
But seeing the contents of the DFB advent calendar I decided I had to at least give it a shot, even more so when behind door number one I got Jogi’s sticker and Manuel Neuer’s card. In place of the Freiburg calendar I had to get something and seeing as how the Bayern one was too expensive and there’s no reason to get a Dortmund one anymore I took the only logical option, I went with Matze and got a Borussia Mönchengladbach one. Though on that count I was to be disappointed because the Gladbach one is not like the Freiburg one at all, there are no cute little faces behind the doors, just wrapped pieces of chocolate. As for Freiburg whilst I may not have them in chocolate form this year I won’t be abandoning them, even though it looks like they are destined to spend Christmas in the relegation places again and relegation itself is looking more and more definite with every passing weekend. It’s not a lot of fun watching them at the moment but I’m not going to abandon them just because of that. I could never envision following another team anyway, so no matter what I wanted I’m with them.
Ever since I got back from London I’ve been saying I’d write a post about the trip and the game, and post pictures of the autographs I was lucky enough to get. Not to forget the pictures I got of Jogi which are even more precious. But like so many other things I just let it slide. It’s not just that I don’t care about anything, it’s that I can’t even pretend I care. So since I got back I’ve pretty much done nothing. Unless you count of course writing extremely depressing stories late at night when I should be asleep, that I have no problem doing. The helpful insight I got from someone on that count was “maybe you’re writing depressing stuff because that’s how you feel.” No really, because I hadn’t worked that out. Just how stupid do people think I am? Anyway that sounds suspiciously like the beginnings of a rant so I’ll stop that there. Point is I haven’t done a whole lot, I’ve kept up with my Jogi videos but it doesn’t feel the same anymore. It feels like I’m just doing it because I don’t know what else to do. Which is pretty much how everything else feels too.
I’ve tried to resist the temptation of simply sleeping all day but it’s not easy, especially when I can’t get a decent amount of sleep at night. So that I don’t get stuck thinking obsessive thoughts I’ve been spending a lot of time reading, that’s probably the only good thing to come out of all this. The fact I’ve started reading like I used to again. I can’t even remember the last time I got through ten books in a month. That was my target for November, to read ten books. Just so I didn’t feel like a complete failure and that I could at least do that.
Though even that has slowed down over the past few days. All of a sudden out of nowhere everything just came to a shuddering halt, reality once more making it’s presence felt and reminding me that life sucks and this is the way things are. Almost like the universe is putting me back in my place, reminding me not to be too happy after all the excitement of the London trip. It doesn’t seem like it at all right now but I had been trying hard not to feel sorry for myself. But the truth is things have been slipping and I can’t ignore it anymore. Stuff is piling up everywhere, both in a physical and a virtual sense. I dare not even look at my main e-mail inbox anymore because from the few times I have been brave enough to take a peek I’ve seen the ever growing piles of increasingly irate messages. I should have known something was really wrong when I stopped opening, sorting and otherwise dealing with my sticker collection. When I don’t care about or have energy for simple repetitive tasks like that then I know I’m really in trouble. But still I keep collecting things because what else would I do? I don’t know how to do anything else. It’s not like I’m going to go outside and make friends or something, there is no real life to be had. It’s the collectibles and the stories or nothing. Maybe if I wait this out they’ll make me feel happy again, like they used to do.
Posted in Autism, Books, Die Mannschaft, Fußball, Germany, Jogi Löw, Manuel Neuer
Tagged Autism/Asperger's Syndrome, Depression, Jerome Boateng, Joachim "Jogi" Löw collectibles, Manuel Neuer collectibles
I haven’t written anything for the past few days, I’ve had ideas but every time I actually sit down to get started nothing happens. I decided to write something today because I’m worried I might get out of the habit. Taking a break from something is not necessarily a bad thing but with the way I feel it wouldn’t be a good idea. At the moment if I stop doing something then it’s very difficult to get back to it. I take any excuse to get out of something and then can’t get used to it again. Other than writing top of the list is being around other people. I can’t say I’m lonely because I have no idea how I feel or what I want. None of it makes any sense to me but then when do feelings ever make sense. I’m sure I’m putting too much thought into the matter. It’s a bad habit of mine. Self reflection can be a good thing but like everything else I take it to the extreme. Surely there’s a balance to be found between my obsessive over analysing and not thinking about or dealing with reality at all. If there is I haven’t found that equilibrium yet.
On the matter of thinking too much I wasn’t quite sure what pensive meant so I looked it up in the dictionary, only I didn’t find the definition there helpful so I googled it instead. I shouldn’t have done that because doing so created another thing for me to overthink. There’s so many different definitions and so many of them say different things. So how do I know which one of them is right? It made me think, how many other words are there that you use but don’t really know what they mean? Sometimes the entire English language feels that way, as if I don’t know what I’m saying, just that it’s the right thing to say. All this because I wasn’t sure what a word meant. At least it’s not as bad as yesterday. I went to see a film called Our Kind of Traitor and I really wish I hadn’t bothered. I didn’t enjoy the film and I now hate the sight of Ewan McGregor, plus it made me dislike Stellan Skarsgard which is not a good thing at all. What bothered me the most is the fact halfway through the film I started thinking about what the point of being there was. What was the point of seeing a film which just reminded me of several other films. Why bother watching films at all. Such thoughts of course led to me thinking why bother doing anything. I wasn’t in such a bad mood when I went out so I don’t know exactly where all those thoughts came from. At least if you cry at the cinema no-one bothers you and it was a film which had some sad moments too so I had a good excuse.
I can’t solve that mystery right now but at least I’ve written something today anyway, so the day’s not a total write off. Though even if I hadn’t done it wouldn’t have been anyway. No matter what else happened today could not have been a bad day, not when I got the all so special addition to my collection. Is it crazy? Beyond any doubt. Could the money have been better spent? Absolutely. But no amount of logic was going to stop me from getting this collectible. Getting it doesn’t fix everything, the happiness it provides will be short-lived, I know that. But I don’t want to think too deeply about it, that always leads to trouble. Right now I just want to enjoy how happy I am at getting this wonderfully awesome addition to my collection and to look forward to the DFB Pokal final which is on Saturday night. I would say I’ve crossed a line by buying a shirt actually worn by Jogi Löw but then I did that a long time ago. About eleven months ago to be exact. Back then I obtained a training shirt which once belonged to Hansi Flick. So in the words of Joey from Friends “Over the line, you’re so far over the line you can’t even see the line. The line is a dot to you.” I said a while ago when I bought my first white shirt that I wasn’t that kind of obsessive, making it clear that it was a shirt like Jogi’s, not actually his. This time however it really is his. So I guess I was wrong about that. I suppose there’s little difference between this and buying a Ginter match-worn football shirt. I mean it’s not like I’d ever get such a thing of Jogi’s so I guess this is the next best thing. Or maybe that’s just my attempt at rationalizing what is obviously a crazy addition, even for me. Either way, who cares. There’s not a lot which makes me happy in life, even if it’s only temporary I’ll take it. I think actually this is all there may be, this is what life is. Real life makes me unhappy or something goes wrong, then I get a new collectible or see a great match and then forget all about reality for a while.
It’s not the only collectible I’ve gotten recently, the other one is a great deal smaller but no less important. No matter how bad I felt yesterday I could not fail to be cheered up by this. Finally I got my very own Lego Man Jogi. I still can’t stop thinking how they missed an opportunity, Lego Man Hansi would have been brilliant. Him and Jogi standing side by side, just like it should always be, even in Lego form. As things stand there is of course no Lego figure of Hansi but then there’s not one of Schneider either which I’m naturally grateful for. Instead Jogi is standing next to Manuel Neuer. It bugs me that they’re all the same height, Manuel Neuer is way taller than everyone else but not in Lego form. I’m overthinking this I know but then what else is new.
Posted in Die Mannschaft, Fußball, Germany, Hansi Flick, Jogi Löw, Manuel Neuer
Tagged Hans-Dieter Flick collectibles, Joachim "Jogi" Löw collectibles, Lukas Podolski, Manuel Neuer collectibles, Mario Götze, Miroslav Klose, Philipp Lahm, Thomas Müller, Toni Kroos
The main thing I was hoping that would happen this week is now an impossibility because Bayern were knocked out on Tuesday night and Man City lost to Real Madrid earlier tonight. It would have been all so perfect and not just because it would have seen Pep Guardiola going up against his new club. I was thinking of a it a little differently, what I found so amusing about the prospect of Bayern reaching the final is related to where it’s being held. This year’s final is being held in Italy so it would have been perfect for a German team to be there. A few months ago Germany beat Italy for the first time in 21 years and it happens to be the year the Champions League final is being held in Italy. Not to mention the fact that last year the final was in Berlin and Juventus an Italian team were the runners-up. Now it’s an all Spanish affair, whichever way it goes the trophy will be going to Madrid. There is at least a German still in the competition in the form of Toni Kroos for Real Madrid.
Despite the disappointment the week and indeed the night is not a total loss, not least because I got not one but two Jogi interviews. But the reason the week is not lost is an even better reason. Today I got the new DFB album and 50 packs of cards. So far I’ve got three of Jogi, two of Matze and Manuel. And I hate to say it, two of Schneider as well.
Football aside my biggest hope for this week is avoiding doing anything else particularly stupid between now and the end of the week. I already have all my stupid planned for the rest of the week, one more insane obsession related decision which I’ve committed to. It’s absurd enough to fill my stupid quotient for the week, enough for the month really but I can’t say no, not to the possibility of such a unique addition to my collection. Speaking of collections there’s one other thing I’m hoping for, the safe arrival of my Jogi advertising board. I keep obsessively checking the tracking status of it. I don’t know why because it hasn’t changed in the last 24 hours. But it’s freaking me out, the updates are not helpful at all. It went from telling me it’s on it’s way to saying “it hasn’t arrived yet.” It’s really freaking me out because both updates show the same location, how can it be on it’s way and then not have arrived. I can’t bear to think they may have lost it, surely it has to be a glitch of some kind. And it has to be the one courier company that is renowned for not being able to speak to an actual human being. Last time I dealt with them it was a shipment of German food they failed to deliver, it did eventually show up but had it not done I could have gotten over that. This on the other hand is a one of a kind collectible, not the kind of thing you get over. I know I shouldn’t be thinking so negatively but that is easier said than done.
One of the reasons I kept putting off catching up with the Bundesliga posts is the thought of doing something out of order bothered me. It’s only when I realised that both options bother me and I’m the only one it bothers anyway did I realise it didn’t matter. Giving it some more thought I realised there’s another reason it’s not so important, I write fiction out of order so why not other stuff too? If I can live with writing stories out of order then I can live with this too. Besides everything else right now is all wrong anyway so it doesn’t really matter. It’s just one more thing to feel uncomfortable about. But I’m not stressing out about it or anything right now which is a nice feeling. The only bothersome thought on my mind is one which should be there, Freiburg’s game tonight with league leaders RB Leipzig.
The weekend has been a good one and pleasantly a very quiet one because the house has been a teenager free zone all weekend. I’ve always worried I would find living by myself too quiet, that the silence would get to me. Now I’m starting to feel a little differently about it. It was kind of nice. Besides having plenty of quiet time for reading there was also the fun of der Klassiker and the excitement of getting a new Jogi interview. With that and all the stickers I got at the weekend I can’t have any complaints really. My sleeping patterns are still far from perfect but there’s always going to be something that’s not quite right.
I did however get some sleep last night, too much in fact. But I’m not complaining because of the dream I had. I’m not sure if I’ve ever had a dream with Nils Petersen in before. Not just him but also Karim Guede, Andre Schürrle and Julian Draxler. The scenario was a very strange one and had it not been for their presence it would have been a nightmare, dreams which are school based usually are. But not this time. The main event of note was some unknown person pointing out that Petersen was wearing a Freiburg shirt, which he was. Weirdly it was inside out. The person said they could tell because they could see the eagle. This makes no sense because it’s a griffin Freiburg have on their shirts, not an eagle which is what Eintracht Frankfurt have on theirs. At that point Petersen who was sitting across from me leaned over and offered his hand for a high five, saying that we were “t-shirt buddies” because I was wearing the same Freiburg shirt as him, the home red and black one.
It’s really random but then so is everything else, including the presence of Draxler and Schürrle. Had it been their fellow Wolfsburg players Max Kruse and Daniel Caliguri it would have made sense, since both of them have played for Freiburg. But I can’t work out why they would be there or what it could mean. I wonder if the money aspect has anything to do with it. Because obviously money would have been one of the chief motivators for both of them in moving to Wolfsburg. Or is it a message about being careful with your expectations of something. Because last season Wolfsburg had a great season, finishing second in the league, qualifying directly for the Champions League and winning the DFB Pokal. And they started off this season by beating Bayern in the Supercup final. So far that’s been their only major success, along with getting through to the knockout stages of the Champions League and the winter signing of Julian Draxler. The league form however has been terrible and nowhere near as good as last year. Maybe that’s the message, one good year doesn’t necessarily mean another one is going to follow.
Whatever it means and however tonight’s game goes I already have my consolation prize. Two new Jogi related clippings and some new Bundesliga stickers including the Heidenheim kits (important because of Niederlechner), Max Kruse and best of all Manuel Neuer. Just to round things off I secured a deal which will see me get Niederlechner’s Heidenheim card. I hope that’s a good omen for tonight.
Posted in Autism, Dreams, Manuel Neuer, Stickers
Tagged Autism/Asperger's Syndrome, Bundesliga 2015/16 stickers, Dreams, Florian Niederlechner, Joachim "Jogi" Löw collectibles, Manuel Neuer collectibles, Max Kruse, Nils Petersen