Things haven’t exactly been good on the writing front (or any other for that matter) so taking on the challenge of posting every day may not be the best thing to do right now. Not least because the challenge is incomplete anyway because for reasons I don’t understand it proved impossible to get a Freiburg calendar. At first that gave me the perfect excuse not to even bother trying doing this, though I didn’t really need an excuse. The same excuse I use for everything else these days probably would have sufficed, that is the excuse of “I can’t be bothered.”
But seeing the contents of the DFB advent calendar I decided I had to at least give it a shot, even more so when behind door number one I got Jogi’s sticker and Manuel Neuer’s card. In place of the Freiburg calendar I had to get something and seeing as how the Bayern one was too expensive and there’s no reason to get a Dortmund one anymore I took the only logical option, I went with Matze and got a Borussia Mönchengladbach one. Though on that count I was to be disappointed because the Gladbach one is not like the Freiburg one at all, there are no cute little faces behind the doors, just wrapped pieces of chocolate. As for Freiburg whilst I may not have them in chocolate form this year I won’t be abandoning them, even though it looks like they are destined to spend Christmas in the relegation places again and relegation itself is looking more and more definite with every passing weekend. It’s not a lot of fun watching them at the moment but I’m not going to abandon them just because of that. I could never envision following another team anyway, so no matter what I wanted I’m with them.
Ever since I got back from London I’ve been saying I’d write a post about the trip and the game, and post pictures of the autographs I was lucky enough to get. Not to forget the pictures I got of Jogi which are even more precious. But like so many other things I just let it slide. It’s not just that I don’t care about anything, it’s that I can’t even pretend I care. So since I got back I’ve pretty much done nothing. Unless you count of course writing extremely depressing stories late at night when I should be asleep, that I have no problem doing. The helpful insight I got from someone on that count was “maybe you’re writing depressing stuff because that’s how you feel.” No really, because I hadn’t worked that out. Just how stupid do people think I am? Anyway that sounds suspiciously like the beginnings of a rant so I’ll stop that there. Point is I haven’t done a whole lot, I’ve kept up with my Jogi videos but it doesn’t feel the same anymore. It feels like I’m just doing it because I don’t know what else to do. Which is pretty much how everything else feels too.
I’ve tried to resist the temptation of simply sleeping all day but it’s not easy, especially when I can’t get a decent amount of sleep at night. So that I don’t get stuck thinking obsessive thoughts I’ve been spending a lot of time reading, that’s probably the only good thing to come out of all this. The fact I’ve started reading like I used to again. I can’t even remember the last time I got through ten books in a month. That was my target for November, to read ten books. Just so I didn’t feel like a complete failure and that I could at least do that.
Though even that has slowed down over the past few days. All of a sudden out of nowhere everything just came to a shuddering halt, reality once more making it’s presence felt and reminding me that life sucks and this is the way things are. Almost like the universe is putting me back in my place, reminding me not to be too happy after all the excitement of the London trip. It doesn’t seem like it at all right now but I had been trying hard not to feel sorry for myself. But the truth is things have been slipping and I can’t ignore it anymore. Stuff is piling up everywhere, both in a physical and a virtual sense. I dare not even look at my main e-mail inbox anymore because from the few times I have been brave enough to take a peek I’ve seen the ever growing piles of increasingly irate messages. I should have known something was really wrong when I stopped opening, sorting and otherwise dealing with my sticker collection. When I don’t care about or have energy for simple repetitive tasks like that then I know I’m really in trouble. But still I keep collecting things because what else would I do? I don’t know how to do anything else. It’s not like I’m going to go outside and make friends or something, there is no real life to be had. It’s the collectibles and the stories or nothing. Maybe if I wait this out they’ll make me feel happy again, like they used to do.
Posted in Autism, Books, Die Mannschaft, Fußball, Germany, Jogi Löw, Manuel Neuer
Tagged Autism/Asperger's Syndrome, Depression, Jerome Boateng, Joachim "Jogi" Löw collectibles, Manuel Neuer collectibles
In the case of Germany at the Olympics their silver lining was a literal one, coming home with silver medals rather than gold. I can’t say I’m disappointed because I gave little thought to them reaching the final at all. Just them being at the competition was something of a novelty so I didn’t really have any expectations. Regardless of how I pictured the summer ending I really wish it hadn’t happened that way, Germany losing to Brazil hurts a little but it being Nils Petersen who missed the all important penalty hurts even more. Not that I’m disappointed in him but rather for him, that’s not how you want to end your time in a German shirt. But at least he stepped up and took one, he didn’t shy away from the responsiblity, he never has as far as penalties are concerned. It’s painfully ironic that the same day Freiburg played in the first round of the DFB Pokal and won 4-0 without him, the first goal coming via a penalty which in Petersen’s absence was taken by Vincenzo Grifo. The next time I see him and Matze Ginter together they’ll be on opposite sides, here’s hoping they can avoid losing too badly this time round. Though with how good Dortmund are looking I fear that may not be an option.
Jogi Löw’s words on the matter are the right way to look at it, “You didn’t lose goal but you won silver.” He’s right and it’s a healthy attitude to have but it doesn’t make you feel much better. It takes thinking of all the goals Nils did score to even start doing that. That’s not the penalty I remember when it comes to him, the two he scored against 1.FC Nürnberg will always be the ones in my mind. And as happy as I was to see him in a German shirt these are always the first pictures in my head when I think of him:
On the subject of pictures and silver linings I didn’t have to look to hard to find today’s, with two days to spare my kits arrived from Freiburg. In honour of Petersen being chosen for the Olympic squad I got his name put on the white away one and Grifo on the home one. I’d already decided to have Petersen’s name on there and in fact placed the order before that game, but even if I hadn’t I still would have done so. I’m still happy and proud to wear his name:
I’m almost all ready for the new season now, I’ve got my new kits, the first round of the Pokal has been played and more importantly I’ve seen Freiburg, Bayern and Dortmund’s games. Tomorrow Bayern will play Bremen in the opening game and Jogi Löw will announce his squad for the first international break, including the game against Finland which will be the swansong for both Bastian Schweinsteiger and Lukas Podolski. Together they represent the last of the old gurad, the two players in the squad who didn’t get their first cap under Jogi Löw. Today of course an equally important event took place, the group stage draw for the Champions Leage. But before I get to that I have to mention one more thing, one final silver lining to today and that is my newly obtained figurine of Jogi Löw. An addition to my collection which makes me very happy indeed, a good thing really because real life sucks at the moment.
And now to the draw, today may be a total bust but the draw most definitely was not. It’s no less exciting than last year, though exciting as it is I’m not sure whether or not to feel bad for Gladbach or be excited by the possibilties. It’s curious anyway, the fact three out of the four German teams have all been drawn with a Spanish team. Bayern v Atletico should be a lot of fun and I can’t help but think of Bayern winning and getting some sense of vengeance out of it, becuase of Antoine Griezmann. Similiarly I cant’t help but think of Dortmund’s clash with Real Madrid and Sporting in the same way. I don’t want to curse either of them but I cant’t help it. I might have gotten over the summer in the sense I’m not obsessing over it but I’m not completely over it, not yet. I don’t know if you ever do get over it completely. Well at least there’s plenty to look forward to, not least Freiburg being back in the Bundesliga, just two days to go until their first game against Hertha BSC. Or to be more precise two days, 16 hours and 50 minutes until kick-off.
Normally this would be the kind of prompt which is tailor made for me, after all I always have plenty of good dreams to write about. Not lately though, the past few days I’ve had more nightmares than anything else. Even when it has been football related it’s not been good and not involving one of my favourite Germans. The last one I remember involved Jürgen Klopp and getting yelled at by his psychotic friend in a disagreement of some kind about terrorism. The last one before that which I actually remember details of involved among others Andre Schürrle and Julian Draxler. The latter’s presence is especially amusing because I just stocked up on some fan-fiction to read and one of the pairings is him, Matze Ginter and Erik Durm.
The nightmares have involved being chased, accused of betraying people I care about and of abandoning someone. No gunmen or assassins yet, so I suppose that’s something. Nevertheless it hasn’t been any fun these past few days. And thanks to Microsoft my waking hours have almost been as nightmarish as my time asleep. I was determined that this week would get off to a better start than last week. Back then I almost lost all my word files and had to fix a whole set of other technical problems. This week didn’t get off to much of a better start, Windows 10 decided to install itself on my laptop against my will. I’ve spent most of this afternoon trying to fix it. I knew how to fix it, only problem was my laptop kept freezing up which made it a painfully slow process. All of this almost resulted in me missing Frankfurt’s game too, though luckily that didn’t happen. I had to resort to watching it on my old laptop. It’s not perfect but at least I didn’t miss the game. Now peace is restored in the universe, I’ve gone back to Windows 8 and it’s what I’m going to stick with. I’ve been looking at new laptops, not for now but for later in the year. I’m going to have pay a little extra to avoid having one which comes with Windows 10 but it’ll be worth it. In fact it’s worth it just for the principle. Your program must really suck if the only way you can get people to take it is tricking them into doing so.
As for the game it hasn’t been one of those which you absolutely have to watch, it’s been nothing of the sort. But Eintracht Frankfurt got their goal, their Bundesliga status is secure and 1.FCN won’t be joining Freiburg and Leipzig in the top flight. I’m relieved, not least because had Frankfurt lost then Niko Kovac would be out of a job. I don’t know if he’s going to stay but at least there’s a chance now. It’s great, now Freiburg get to visit Frankfurt once again. Maybe Petersen can put another couple of goals past them to go with his hat-trick from the previous season.
I’m done being angry about this afternoon’s events, I meant it when I said I want this week to get off to a better start. I’m not going to hit anything again, not my keyboard and not my laptop. I’m going to do the best I can to straighten things out sleep wise for the rest of the week. Being wound up is not going to help with that. Letting things go is not the easy for me but it’s what needs to be done. One day does not have to ruin the rest of the week. And this week is going to be fun, the team meet up tomorrow for the international break. Matze’s not in the squad but at least all my other favourite players are. Today has been far from a dream but I got something in the post which is most definitely dreamy:
I haven’t written anything for the past few days, I’ve had ideas but every time I actually sit down to get started nothing happens. I decided to write something today because I’m worried I might get out of the habit. Taking a break from something is not necessarily a bad thing but with the way I feel it wouldn’t be a good idea. At the moment if I stop doing something then it’s very difficult to get back to it. I take any excuse to get out of something and then can’t get used to it again. Other than writing top of the list is being around other people. I can’t say I’m lonely because I have no idea how I feel or what I want. None of it makes any sense to me but then when do feelings ever make sense. I’m sure I’m putting too much thought into the matter. It’s a bad habit of mine. Self reflection can be a good thing but like everything else I take it to the extreme. Surely there’s a balance to be found between my obsessive over analysing and not thinking about or dealing with reality at all. If there is I haven’t found that equilibrium yet.
On the matter of thinking too much I wasn’t quite sure what pensive meant so I looked it up in the dictionary, only I didn’t find the definition there helpful so I googled it instead. I shouldn’t have done that because doing so created another thing for me to overthink. There’s so many different definitions and so many of them say different things. So how do I know which one of them is right? It made me think, how many other words are there that you use but don’t really know what they mean? Sometimes the entire English language feels that way, as if I don’t know what I’m saying, just that it’s the right thing to say. All this because I wasn’t sure what a word meant. At least it’s not as bad as yesterday. I went to see a film called Our Kind of Traitor and I really wish I hadn’t bothered. I didn’t enjoy the film and I now hate the sight of Ewan McGregor, plus it made me dislike Stellan Skarsgard which is not a good thing at all. What bothered me the most is the fact halfway through the film I started thinking about what the point of being there was. What was the point of seeing a film which just reminded me of several other films. Why bother watching films at all. Such thoughts of course led to me thinking why bother doing anything. I wasn’t in such a bad mood when I went out so I don’t know exactly where all those thoughts came from. At least if you cry at the cinema no-one bothers you and it was a film which had some sad moments too so I had a good excuse.
I can’t solve that mystery right now but at least I’ve written something today anyway, so the day’s not a total write off. Though even if I hadn’t done it wouldn’t have been anyway. No matter what else happened today could not have been a bad day, not when I got the all so special addition to my collection. Is it crazy? Beyond any doubt. Could the money have been better spent? Absolutely. But no amount of logic was going to stop me from getting this collectible. Getting it doesn’t fix everything, the happiness it provides will be short-lived, I know that. But I don’t want to think too deeply about it, that always leads to trouble. Right now I just want to enjoy how happy I am at getting this wonderfully awesome addition to my collection and to look forward to the DFB Pokal final which is on Saturday night. I would say I’ve crossed a line by buying a shirt actually worn by Jogi Löw but then I did that a long time ago. About eleven months ago to be exact. Back then I obtained a training shirt which once belonged to Hansi Flick. So in the words of Joey from Friends “Over the line, you’re so far over the line you can’t even see the line. The line is a dot to you.” I said a while ago when I bought my first white shirt that I wasn’t that kind of obsessive, making it clear that it was a shirt like Jogi’s, not actually his. This time however it really is his. So I guess I was wrong about that. I suppose there’s little difference between this and buying a Ginter match-worn football shirt. I mean it’s not like I’d ever get such a thing of Jogi’s so I guess this is the next best thing. Or maybe that’s just my attempt at rationalizing what is obviously a crazy addition, even for me. Either way, who cares. There’s not a lot which makes me happy in life, even if it’s only temporary I’ll take it. I think actually this is all there may be, this is what life is. Real life makes me unhappy or something goes wrong, then I get a new collectible or see a great match and then forget all about reality for a while.
It’s not the only collectible I’ve gotten recently, the other one is a great deal smaller but no less important. No matter how bad I felt yesterday I could not fail to be cheered up by this. Finally I got my very own Lego Man Jogi. I still can’t stop thinking how they missed an opportunity, Lego Man Hansi would have been brilliant. Him and Jogi standing side by side, just like it should always be, even in Lego form. As things stand there is of course no Lego figure of Hansi but then there’s not one of Schneider either which I’m naturally grateful for. Instead Jogi is standing next to Manuel Neuer. It bugs me that they’re all the same height, Manuel Neuer is way taller than everyone else but not in Lego form. I’m overthinking this I know but then what else is new.
Posted in Die Mannschaft, Fußball, Germany, Hansi Flick, Jogi Löw, Manuel Neuer
Tagged Hans-Dieter Flick collectibles, Joachim "Jogi" Löw collectibles, Lukas Podolski, Manuel Neuer collectibles, Mario Götze, Miroslav Klose, Philipp Lahm, Thomas Müller, Toni Kroos