Tag Archives: Friendship

Advent Calendar Day 8 & 9: The Double Day

Writing a double post like this means I’ll only have 23 instead of 24 posts but I think it’s better this way because Wednesday and Thursday really were one long day for me. No matter what I did I would have been wrong and I would have been annoyed with myself either way. It was just the case of taking the least worse course of action, I guess damage control in a sense. So I’m not going to bother obsessing over whether I shouldn’t have gone or not which is what I’d usually be doing. There’s no point in doing that. It’s just a case of stupid person does yet another stupid thing. And I feel exactly as I expected to feel. Of course I was tired when I got home, tired enough to have spent all day in bed too. I needed the sleep yet it puts me back at square one. Having gotten up so late I’m not going to be able to get any sleep between now and the game. Not that I ever would miss a game but this is one I really can’t miss, it’s the last home game of the Hinrunde. And with their  poor away record it’s a must win game, I mean they all are but it’s extra important. Not least because Darmstadt sacked their coach after last weekend’s defeat to fellow strugglers HSV. Usually a team get a boost from having a new coach in charge, though not always. Obviously I’m hoping that won’t be the case for Darmstadt, for one thing it’s not nice to end the year at home with a defeat.

But I’m getting ahead of myself, I’ve got the rest of the night to get through first. It’s just how I expected it to be, how it always is. Tired last night and not at all tired now. Despite being so tired when I got home I couldn’t stop thinking about everything that happened. Looking back on  it now I realise what I hate the most about the way I obsess over everything. I constantly worry about being a good enough friend, and in allowing myself to obsess the way I do then I’m not doing that. I allow the anxiety to take over and question things I know to be true. I shouldn’t allow myself to doubt whether they’re my friends or not. Because that’s what I always think about, if they really are my friends or not and all the rest of it. And with regards to this particular person I really shouldn’t question anything. After all they’ve survived several of my obsessions and that is a rare thing indeed. Our friendship survived beyond the initial interest which first brought us together.

Plus they kept their word, they promised me if it was too loud then we could leave, and when I said it was they said ok, no questions asked. Sometimes people can be funny about that, but they’ve never been anything less than patient with me. Which only makes it more absurd that I allow such worries to get to me. If I wasn’t being a good enough friend in some way they would call me out on it. They’re not the kind of person to let themselves be walked over that way. The fact I’m sitting here thinking about all this makes me laugh. The reason being an article someone sent me a few days ago about how people with AS aren’t capable of empathy and how they destroy everyone around them. If I didn’t care about other people then how come I worry about them so much? How come I worry so much that I don’t care enough about them? It’s not caring about other people I have a problem with, it’s showing it. I think it’s kind of unfair me to be judged on how well I’m able to show and understand my feelings in regards to other people when I struggle to understand my feelings in general.

In thinking over all this friendship stuff it’s made me realise something else, another reason why having friends is a good thing. They give me a perspective on things I wouldn’t otherwise have. And just last night I had that pointed out to me. It seems how I percieve myself differs from what other people see, there are things about myself I don’t even know. For example I was telling them about something from one of my stories, something which another person found funny and I couldn’t understand why. I had written it to be slightly humourous but not laugh out loud funny yet that’s exactly the reaction I got. Thing is they weren’t even surprised I didn’t get it, apparently I don’t see or understand that I can be quite funny. That surprised me, I have to admit it really did. I know I make sarcastic comments which make people laugh but I would never describe myself as being funny in any way. I appreciate them for a lot of reasons but for their insightful comments about my writing most of all.

Point is I don’t think it’s just my decision in whether or not to have friends. You can’t just cut people out of your life that way, it’s not just about my feelings. When I’m thinking this way I often wonder if I’d be doing them a favour by ending the friendship but all I’d be doing is hurting them. I’ve done that before and I hope the person in question can forgive me for it, though I can’t forgive myself. To disappear like that is unforgiveable. Ending a friendship is one thing but you should at leasts have the decency to explain why and tell them. It still makes little sense to me why I did that, but then things don’t make much more sense now. Not much does in fact and it’s not because I haven’t gotten enough sleep. Right now I feel like I’m a daze, awake but not really there. My mind is relatively quiet which is a good thing but it’s not the way I want it to happen. What’s left of Friday and Saturday will be another double day. It’s messed up but it’s the way it is. I can’t do anything about the schedule at the moment. You have to deal with the hand you’ve been dealt and not what you wish you had.

And now to the final part of the post, the calendars. Behind door number 8 for Freiburg was midfielder Onur Bulut who they signed from Bochum in the summer. It’s unfortunate that one of his major contributions to the campaign so far came in the Leverkusen game last weekend. He’d barely been on the field for a minute when he brought down a Leverkusen player to give away a penalty. But maybe him doing that wasn’t such a bad thing, if he hadn’t made that mistake Schwolow wouldn’t have got to save the penalty. Good can come out of bad. In the Dortmund calendar was Spanish defender Marc Bartra and I have equally mixed feelings about him because he’s a potential threat to Ginter’s place in the starting 11. Behind door number 9 was the Dortmund man Pascal Stenzel, but not in Dortmund’s calendar because he’s on loan to Freiburg and has been since last winter. Now him I don’t have any mixed feelings about and I’d very much like Freiburg to keep hold of him, how realistic that is I don’t know. But I would like it to happen, he’s a great addition to the team. Joining him was Dortmund and Poland player Lukasz Piszczek. Quite fitting giving his nationality because that was my Christmas present, the one I recieved on Thursday consisted entirely of very tasty Polish snacks.

20161210_014904-1onur-bulutFinding a good picture of Pascal is no problem, in fact I have the opposite problem, picking which one to use. You could fill a whole post with nothing but pictures of him. The first one from the KSC game last season and courtesy of the Südkurier is a particular favourite of mine:

pascal-stenzel-alexander-schwolow-sc-freiburg-v-ksc-2015-16pascal-stenzel

Friendship

One of the first things that came to mind when I saw today’s prompt was an episode of The Big Bang Theory. To cut a long story short Sheldon gets fired from the university and has to apologise to the president Dr Gablehauser, which he only does because his mother makes him. During the meeting which he apologises Sheldon’s mother lands herself a date with Gablehauser.

Sheldon was recounting this event to Leonard who asks what happened, the following two final lines of the conversation are what’s relevant here:

Sheldon: I’m not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.

Leonard: “Well that narrows it down.”

You could easily say the same about me, there are many aspects of the human experience which baffle me too. Including the concept of friendship. How I managed to not only make a friend but keep that friend for several years is a mystery to me. I really have no idea what I’m doing, not then and not now. As things stand I’m not sure I have any friends left. A few months ago I’m sure I would have been upset at the prospect of such a thing, not so now. I’m unhappy when I do have friends (not to mention confused) and no happier when I don’t. I’m not sure it makes any difference. One thing for sure is I know I’m not good at this or at talking to people at all. However did I think I could keep a friendship going (and understand what I’m doing) when I find it difficult writing a short e-mail to someone. Why is it so hard to find the right words and to be “friendly?” It never seems to get easier. You read books about it, study other people’s interactions and it doesn’t help. You still don’t feel comfortable or end up second guessing yourself. It’s hard to work out if I enjoy having friends or not when it’s such an anxiety provoking experience.

One thing I know for sure is that imaginary friends are the best kind of friends. Nothing to worry about there, no saying the wrong thing or misinterpreting something. It’s not perfect but then what is? In a way imaginary friends can make you feel even more lonely. As if they are a reminder of what you can’t have. But then I feel that way with actual people too. As if there’s something I can’t quite understand, like as if it’s not really real. I don’t know, it probably doesn’t make much sense. There is one thing that most definitely makes sense right now, something which requires no figuring out on my part. Freiburg’s hard earned 1-0 victory over their neighbours KSC. I said in yesterday’s post that one goal would see them go back to the top of the table. One goal would see them be once more “der Tabellenführer.” They did just that, scoring only one goal courtesy of Mike Frantz. Which means they go into the international break ahead of RB Leipzig. Now I’m still not particularly looking forward to the upcoming internationals but I am exceedingly happy about this:

2.Bundesliga table - MD27

Longing

Today’s daily prompt asks you to write about longing, that’s all you get. Just one word, no further guidance. I’ve not written anything for the daily prompt the past few days, I found this new found style a little unsettling. My first reaction was it’s different, I don’t like it. I think I may have found the lack of specific guidance a little unsettling too. I’m getting over that now. I suppose it’s a good thing in one way, no specific question means no rules to stick to. Even more than usual I can ramble randomly.

So just what am I longing for at the moment? Well for one thing a sticker of Nils Petersen. All I have is a Bremen one from last season, I so badly want one of him in a Freiburg shirt. I don’t want to curse it but maybe I’ll get one next season. At least there’s a card of him which I’m getting in a trade, so I’ll have something of him from this season besides his team card. It’s a trade which has proved satisfactory in more ways than one, not only am I getting two Freiburg cards but I get to send a letter to Germany to someone named Andreas. That is just awesome.

Besides a sticker of Petersen I’m not really longing for anything right now. I’m a very good mood. Freiburg beat Arminia Bielefeld 4-1 yesterday and Florian Niederlechner scored two goals. And this time it was a real goal. His first goal was something of a comedy of errors, the keeper dropped the ball into his own net. This time he more than deserved it. I’m particularly pleased with it because Alexander Schwolow is the one who initiated the move. He kicked the ball up field whereupon Grifo headed it and it fell perfectly for Niederlechner to battle for it and then go one on one with the keeper to score. The second one was great too but I can’t help but feel bad because Bielefeld didn’t deserve to lose 4-1. All season they’ve kept things pretty tight defensively speaking including battling hard to draw 2-2 against Freiburg earlier in the season. Even better is the fact Freiburg achieved this victory without Nils Petersen who for a second game in a row was on the bench. It’s good to have another regular goal scorer in the team, it takes the pressure off Petersen a little. The irony of the situation doesn’t escape me, that Niederlechner is on loan from Mainz. Because Mainz is of course a former team of Thomas Tuchel who I like a great deal at the moment. Even more interesting is the fact Niederlechner used to play for 1.FC Heidenheim. On Wednesday afternoon they came close to beating RB Leipzig, being 1-0 up at half-time. Unfortunately they went on to lose 3-1, a shame because it w0uld have been excellent for Freiburg had Leipzig lost.

Florian Niederlechner - Arminia Bielefeld v SC Freiburg 1 Florian Niederlechner & Vincenzo Grifo - Arminia Bielefeld v SC Freiburg 1 Florian Niederlechner & Vincenzo Grifo - Arminia Bielefeld v SC Freiburg 2 Florian Niederlechner & Vincenzo Grifo - Arminia Bielefeld v SC Freiburg 3Freiburg took all three points, maintaining their grip on second place and the Bundesliga provided plenty of entertainment last night too. Bremen orchestrating a teriffic 4-1 win over Leverkusen, repeating their Cup triumph in the league. And Mainz somehow against all the odds beat Bayern 2-1. I feel kind of bad about it because part of me was rooting for Mainz to win. Simply because it would make the title race a little more interesting and adds to the already considerable intrigue around what is arguably the biggest match of the second half of the season, der Klassiker round 2. Dortmund v Bayern. Dortmund have not lost a game at home all season, are Bayern going to bring that run to an end? I also feel bad for Neuer, for him being this angry. Evidently I don’t feel so bad that I can’t make these amusing GIFs:

Angry_Manuel_Neuer_Bayern_v_Mainz_1 Angry_Manuel_Neuer_2_Bayern_v_MainzLike I said above I’m not really longing for anything right now. I have the new Bundesliga album, the Euro 2016 Schoolshop one on the way from Serbia, Freiburg have won their last three games and they play on Monday this weekend. Which means unless I choose to I don’t have to get up early on Saturday or Sunday. Plus der Klassiker to look forward to. So what’s the problem? Well I think I may just be a little too easily pleased for one thing. That’s the negative thought lurking behind my good mood right now. The thought that I should want something more other than stickers and a good football match to watch. In what seemed to be a friendship ending conversation last week I said that I was tired of pretending to be normal or anything approaching it. That I’m not going to waste anymore time on pretending to be something I’m not. I think I may have been a little more blunt than I needed to be but I don’t regret what I said. There’s something I read online which gave me some perspective on the matter. Gist of it was there’s four version of ourselves, different versions that we present to different people. There shouldn’t be a significant difference between the person you are when you’re by yourself and when you’re with your friends. I got to thinking that if there is a significant difference, why are you friends? Surely the friendship is founded upon an untruth if you have to hide who you really are. I don’t know for sure but I can’t help but wonder if the reason I’m feeling so content and relaxed right now is because I’m going to see Hail Cesar by myself tomorrow. If it’s because I don’t expect to have any e-mails to reply to. Like as if I’m free from the obligation and stress of it all. That’s probably telling in itself. That I’m relieved at the prospect of not having to reply to e-mails of a social nature.

Catching Up

It feels like I’m always playing catch-up at the moment in regards to pretty much everything. In the main I feel like I’m always catching up on sleep. But you can’t do that forever. If you keep saying I’ll catch up next week eventually there won’t be a next week. The longer you let it go on for the bigger the pile of things to catch up on gets. I know that and yet I still can’t snap out of it. All my projects start out well and they all end the same way. That is they don’t really end at all, I just fall behind and never catch up. I slowly stop working on them and never get back to it.

I don’t want that to happen here, I want to finish this one at least. Even if it’s late, I still want to complete it. This month would be perfect to knuckle down and start working through the backlog. It is after all an international month, Germany have two friendlies at the end of the month. It would be great to get at least halfway through the backlog by then. If I made sure there were no distractions surely I could at least do that. On the subject of distractions avoiding any more friendship related drama is necessary on this count. It would be a good thing anyway but becomes more important in this context.

It’s not just sleep I’m catching up on, in a way it’s time itself. Only now are the events of last week becoming clear to me. Though I have to admit I had some help. Rather than me endlessly obsessing over it I talked it through with someone, a person whom in comparison to me is a responsible adult. Evidently they are someone who has a better understanding of people and relationships than I do. It’s a conversation which was a post-match analysis of sorts. Looking at what happened, what could have gone better and how I could have acted differently to bring that about. Not only that but they took the time to explain why it went the way it did. To explain it’s not what I said but how I said it. To get to the point I was too blunt about it and perhaps a little insensitive. There’s nothing wrong with sharing your feelings, especially when you’ve been asked to but you still have to consider how what you’re saying could affect someone else.

I won’t lie, it still doesn’t really make much sense to me but at least I know I was wrong and why. It’s far better and more constructive than me obsessing over it by myself. I guess accepting help from other people isn’t always a bad thing. I’m no less confused about everything else but at least that’s not bothering me. One of the reasons I’m feeling a little out of sorts this week is because it’s “die englische Woche” as the Germans call it, meaning there’s midweek games. In fact this week there’s football on every night of the week if you count the regional league game that was on Monday night. This afternoon is a homecoming of sorts for Freiburg goalkeeper Alexander Schwolow because they’re visiting newly promoted Arminia Bielefeld which is the team he spent last season on loan at, helping them win promotion to the second tier and getting to the quarter finals of the DFB Pokal. Funnily enough one of the teams they knocked out was Gladbach, funny because at the time the team contained former Freiburg striker Max Kruse.

Freiburg are back to winning ways, after getting off to a bad start losing their firsts two, they went on to win the following two games. Still Bielefeld might prove to be a tough challenge, they certainly did when they visited the Schwarzwald Stadion. The final score was 2-2 and only because of a last minute goal by Lucas Hufnagel. Bielefeld may be small and are hovering just above the relegation battle but they are not to be taken for granted.

Whilst I’m not obsessing over what happened last week there is one thought troubling me. I mean one other than what game to watch tonight, I’m having trouble picking between Bayern v Mainz and Darmstadt v Dortmund. Besides that I’m wondering what the point is in having friends at all. That’s probably not the right way to put it. I think it’s better to say I’m thinking that not having friends can make for a lonely experience but having them can cause as many problems as it solves. Maybe I’m just not cut out for it. This friendship is going the exact same way as the one that came before it. It took a step too close to becoming something more and I couldn’t deal with that. After the previous friendship ended I spent close to a year not really spending time with anyone. Maybe that’s what I need, some time alone. Maybe I’m just burnt out and need some recharging time. I’ve wondered sometimes how all of this would work if I ever got to live by myself. I doubt then I would have any energy or resources left over for something as far down the list as social time. It’s something that may have to be sacrificed anyway.

Cool Like Kroos/Step One

This Friday is already going better than last week did, out of bed and dressed before midday. It seems the Europa league L16 draw was sufficient motivation to get out of bed. It’s a good thing too, I can’t get up late tomorrow because Freiburg are playing. I know I said I was going to take a  live and let live approach as regards to my sleeping patterns but if the pieces come together themselves that’s not a bad thing either. Maybe that’s what I need to do, to stop overthinking it and just let it happen. Today is so far going fine which is just as well seeing as how yesterday was something of a nightmare. I certainly needed to keep in mind that dream about Toni Kroos, keeping cool was the order of the day. Though I didn’t entirely succeed on this count. Still the rant wasn’t so bad, at least I wasn’t ranting about the person I was talking to. I managed to keep all of what I was thinking to myself. The rant in question was about how I’m sick of hearing the words “high-functioning autism” and how annoyed I am by it’s constant repetition online. It’s a phrase which has little real meaning and is not a diagnostic term yet it’s one which continues to get used, and it drives me nuts. Partly because people seem to think it equates to “mild autism” or to just being a little socially off, quirky and obsessive. But that’s a rant for another time, I’m not getting angry now. Not about that and not about anything else.

I knew the day wasn’t going to go well when they didn’t show up in the place we agreed to meet. Part of wishes I’d just gotten on the next train home and forgotten about the whole thing, I was tempted to do that. But I didn’t, as regards the film I’m glad I didn’t. As for the rest of the day, I wish I took the train home. It happened exactly the same as last time, I got in my head that they weren’t there and adjusted my plans accordingly. Then of course they showed up at the cinema and I had to adjust again. I know what the problem is here, I know I have issues with being flexible and being too rigid in my expectations. That’s not the issue, the problem is I wanted them not to be there. I wanted to see the film by myself and just generally be left alone. The first time I wanted them not to be there because I was mad at them. This time I’m not mad at them for being unreliable, I just didn’t want to see them.

I didn’t have to worry so much with talking too much, instead I had the opposite problem, that of finding any words at all. Except for the rant which wasn’t planned at all I had no idea what to talk about. I think the friendship is finally coming to and end. I have a hunch they might feel the same way. At least I hope they do, it’ll make what comes next easier. They themselves summed up the problem, I don’t know if it was deliberate on their part. If their words were meant to tell me something, whether it was deliberate or not I got the message. They talked about someone new they’ve met and whom they like. The gist of their point was that conversation with the person in question is easy and flows naturally, it just builds itself. Not like us then, not anymore anyway. Though as of late I feel that way with a lot of people but more so with them, it’s true.

It’s kind of weird that we saw Deadpool in light of recent developments. In the film Deadpool in his previous life falls in love in an unlikely set of circumstances. But it works for them, until he gets sick anyway. He left for her, because he didn’t want her to see him suffer. Everything he did was for her. I can only imagine what it must be like to love someone else that much. At the end after everything has gone wrong and she sees him for who he is now she accepts him back. He was scared she would reject him because of the way he looks and I guess because she’d be angry at him for leaving, which she was. I’m not sure what my point is, just that it felt weird to be watching that film now.

The journey home was the worst point, this was the problem the last time I went out as well. Though it turned out to be a little different this time, at least I didn’t have to deal with feeling like I was going to suffocate. In a way that would have been easier to deal with, at least with that you know what’s going on and what to do about it. I hate not knowing how I’m feeling, just having a general idea that I’m on edge about something. I’m not quite sure what prompted such a reaction, I was a little stressed out on the first part of the journey but not so much. Nothing that my headphones and some fan-fiction couldn’t fix. It might be their unexpected presence, it wasn’t planned for them to be a part of the return journey. I don’t like surprises or deal well with them at the best of times, so that may be the reason.

I just wanted them to go away, I was trying and failing to listen to them. At the same time I was trying to remember Toni Kroos, about being as calm and collected as he is known for being. Being afraid and worried is fine, letting other people see that is not. I was also thinking about what the Hulk said to Captain America when he told him it was time to get angry: “That’s my secret Cap, I’m always angry.”

I’m not always angry but I am always very close to the edge of being so. Most of the time it doesn’t take much to push me over the edge.
All I had to do was to get through it, to keep calm and remain as much as possible in control. This is the kind of situation Jogi cards were made for. Somehow I got through it in one piece, though not without them picking up on the fact something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t appreciate their remark about selective hearing though. That really upset me, I thought they of all people would know how difficult it is to listen to other people, let alone when you’re in an environment you aren’t entirely comfortable with. At that point I decided on giving up on putting so much effort into it. If they don’t appreciate the effort you’re making then it’s not worth it. I shouldn’t even have been trying anyway, I should have just told them the truth and admitted I can neither listen nor talk right now. I should have saved my resources for more important things.

All things considered it wasn’t a good day but it could have been worse. I can see that now. After all I did get home in one piece, I couldn’t pay much attention to Dortmund’s game last night that’s true but I can watch it again. The main thing is I didn’t spend all of today in bed because of it. The events of one day are not going to be allowed to dictate how I feel about the rest of the weekend. No, that’s Freiburg’s job. They play Kaiserslautern tomorrow. How I feel about the weekend will instead rest upon how well they play and the result of the game. Just like it should be.

2016: First Film of the Year and other Deliberations

Normally picking the first film of the year to watch would be a big deal. In fact it would not only be the topmost thought in my mind right now but it would already be decided by now. This year like the year just gone is a little different. Films are still important but they aren’t the foremost thought in my mind. Right now all I can think of is how many days there are till the Bundesliga returns and how many days till Freiburg’s next game. 21 days until it all kicks off again and Bayern play HSV. 22 days until a newly resurgent Gladbach play Dortmund. The prospect of that game is mouthwatering, unbelievably so. And most importantly and no less mouth watering is the game between Bochum and Freiburg, precisely 34 days from now. I’m happy they play on a Friday, it’s one less day to wait.

But of course there’s no football to watch right now, not live anyway. Not unless I watch the Premier League and so far I haven’t done. Back to the title, whatever the film I chose it was certain to be a German one. In the end it turned out to be a rather predictable choice, a by now very familiar favourite, The Lives of Others. Some films you just don’t get sick of, regardless of how many times you’ve seem them and how well you know them.What I love about The Lives of Other is it’s one of those films that makes me think every time I see it, that there’s always a new detail to notice. You really do gain something from every viewing. As for the first film at the cinema, I have a creeping suspicion that will be The Hateful Eight. It would be very fitting where that to be true.

Towards the end of last year I wrote a list of things I wanted to do in the year to come, some fun stuff and some serious stuff too. I haven’t done that this time round and I have no plans to. Not because I’m unhappy that I didn’t cross enough things off my list, I actually crossed off quite a few things, including the item at the top of my fun list. More because in the words of August from The Bridge my plan is to “not to have a plan.” I just don’t see the point, everything is all over the place and it’s close to impossible to make any plans, so I’m just not going to bother, not with any major overarching plans and not with any aims.

The first thing on my fun list was to learn how tie a scarf like Jogi Löw, which I am now able to do. The final point from that list was to write more Löw adventures. Well that’s pretty much taken care of it’s self, I have no worries on that front. In fact it’s taken over almost everything else. Everything but football itself that is.

Two things from my serious list were to save some money and to downsize my collection, that is my DVD and book collection. Saving money, not so much, but the latter I’ve had some success with and hope to move on to downsizing my book collection next. The most important thing on the list was to do the things which make me happy, regardless of whether other people find them strange or not. I’ve certainly done that, in fact I wonder if I may have committed to doing so a little too much. At the same time I can’t help but wonder how good the friendship in question was if it was almost broken over a special interest. And just what or who was in the wrong, If a special interest can really be more important than a friendship, And if you’re even asking that question, then surely the friendship doesn’t mean as much as you thought it did. Is it possible that I wanted an excuse, an out from it, and the special interest conflict just gave me the excuse I was looking for.

In a not so fun conversation a while back I was asked for my reasons for writing the Löw adventures, how it was that I who can’t stand romance in any form likes to write such things. And whether or not writing said stories made me have any interest in romance and relationships in real life. Or if it was the case that I was writing them precisely because I have an interest in such things but that I can’t actually have them, so I write stories instead. I do find them fulfilling in a sense but not like that, they haven’t given me any interest in pursuing such things. I do however consider my characters good company and they are a lot less anxiety provoking than real life people, that’s for sure. Which is most likely why I prefer them, I always know what they’re thinking, what they’re going to say and what they mean. There’s only confusion if I want there to be. How could I not prefer them to real life people?

One thing from that post I will repeat here is to list four things I’m looking forward to this year. I thought Euro 2016 would be top of this list, but I have very mixed feelings about it now because of what happened in November. But then I can’t figure out what else would top the list. So my four things to look forward to in 2016:

  1. Euro 2016, not to mention the U19 Euros and the Olympics because Germany qualified football wise.
  2. The second half of the 2.Bundesliga season and finding out what will become of Freiburg and their promotion campaign.
  3. The Hateful Eight, Tarantino’s next film.
  4. Writing more Löw adventures.

Were the list to have a fifth addition no doubt something sticker related would make the list, perhaps the prospect of a German album for Euro 2016. But then seeing as Hansi won’t be in there, perhaps not.

One thing which I’m not at all looking forward to or have a great deal of enthusiasm for is the prospect of spending time with other people. It’s barely the first day of the year and I’m already worrying about how to get out of something of this nature. I no longer have the excuse of being sick but I still don’t feel like being around anyone. I know part of this is because it’ll take some time to get back to a normal routine and I’m feeling out of sorts because of all this. With that in mind I shouldn’t do anything stupid or rash. Which I have to admit is unlikely anyway because that would actually involve me making a decision and taking decisive action. That’s not like me, that’s not how I screw things up. It’s more because of what I don’t do as opposed to what I actually do. I let things like friendships fall apart by doing nothing. It’s always a tempting proposition, to simply disappear. To allow everything to fade away. Not to make any decisions but to do nothing and simply allow old habits to creep in. Like they are now, avoiding other people and creeping around in the dead of night. Allowing such patterns to continue because you know you can avoid other people that way.

With all this friendship stuff I can’t win. It’s not a question of whether I want friends or not, or even of whether I’m lonely or not. It’s a question of which is more tolerable, because I’ll be anxious and worried about something either way. If I have friends then I’m worrying about getting it wrong all the time, and if I’m a good enough friend. And when I think something’s gone wrong which is a lot, I can’t let go of it. Whilst part of me is worried they’ll never speak or write to me again another part of me secretly hopes they won’t, it would make it so much easier on my part. It’s tempting to think that having no friends at all would be easier, at least I would have one less thing to worry about.

The Spectre Affair

Mission accomplished in one sense, I did everything I was supposed to do yesterday. Everything but one small but very important thing, I didn’t get any sleep yesterday. Regardless I still went anyway, maybe it wasn’t the best choice. I think getting some sleep and then getting up in time for Bayern’s Champions League game would have been a better choice, but it’s not the way I went.

I saw the film, had the much dreaded conversation, saw the game, recorded two of my three copies and got the all important Jogi video, though sadly no interview to go with it.

It’s strange, when I got interested in Christoph Waltz a few years ago I was fixated on the idea that he had to play a Bond villain, he simply had to. It’s the kind of part he’s born to play. And now he has, and I no longer care. The film was just ok, not as bad as the previous two but nowhere as near as good as Casino Royale. I feel like I should go and see it again to see if it grows on me the second time round but I don’t know if I can sit through it again. How things change, if I still liked Christoph Waltz I would have gone to see it on the day it came out and would most likely have seen it three times already. These days I’m lucky to get to see a film twice, let alone see any film more than ten times, which I did for both Django Unchained and Rush.

Whether or not still going yesterday was a wise choice or not I don’t know, but I am up and dressed before 9:00am today. Which in light of recent events is quite impressive. Shame then it’s not my doing, getting up today at this hour was not optional. It’s not my schedule but one which has been imposed upon me for the day. That may be true, but I’m still glad at being awake. Yesterday was a long day, so I do feel terrible, but then if I had done it my way then that would still be true.

One thing I do regret is that being somewhat sleep deprived yesterday I remember very little of the conversation. I know what we talked about roughly but not the details. More importantly I’m not at all sure of what I said or what the point of it was. But then would that be any clearer even if I had gotten some sleep? Because I’m not sure any of this makes sense. They finally got what they did wrong and why I reacted the way I did. And I understand precisely what hurt their feelings. In addition they actually have an idea of what I’m thinking. Problem is I didn’t tell them,  Jogi did. That is he told Hansi in a story which they read. After reading that they said all of this finally makes some sense to them. Thanks to what they read they finally know that yes I do have feelings, I just can’t express them. Understanding all of this means they are no longer feel quite so pushed out by my favourite Germans. Because they finally get that it’s not a question of loving them more. It’s simply a question of being able to show your feelings, of being able to express them. And that they are predictable in a way real people can never be. Because of that they are safe and don’t terrify me in the same way real people do. It’s not that I don’t trust him, I don’t trust anyone. Because I’m very aware of the fact that people don’t always say what they mean and that people often say one thing but are really thinking another.

I’m also very aware that it’s difficult for me to form an idea as to what someone may be thinking. That my perspective is to put it simply, often wrong. It’s not just that I don’t trust other people, I can’t even trust myself. With my stories there’s none of this, in them there’s only confusion if I want there to be. And in them Hansi always knows what to do and say.

So, great, everybody understands other. But what difference does that make? That doesn’t solve the problem. Our requirements aren’t compatible, the problems still remain. All we’ve done is understand the theory side of things better, we’ve gone no way to solving the practical side of things. Because there’s no way to do that. They’re the kind of person who is very much in touch with their feelings, they’re a very tactile kind of person. So they need someone who can comfort them, both emotionally and physically. I can’t do either of those things.

More to the point they want things to get back to normal. For our friendship to resume. I hadn’t thought that far ahead. When thinking of yesterday my thoughts went as far as staying awake for Bayern’s game last night and getting to see Dortmund’s today. I’d given no thought whatsoever to next week or the one after it. I certainly hadn’t figured on other people fitting in anywhere. Next week is the international break. Two Germany games, the new shirt which is being released in time for then and my birthday. But I’m still not that excited about it. Perhaps that will change when the day actually comes.

To get back to the subject of problem solving, there is another problem that has gone unsolved. That of differing interests. They don’t like any of what I’m currently interested in. Which is a problem because I can think of little else. They want to go back to hanging out, what am I meant to do, just not talk about any of it? So then what do we talk about?

I’m trying hard not to obsess over this, that won’t help. It’s doing that which got me into trouble in the other situation. Overthinking things like that is dangerous. For the moment I should focus on getting everything straight again, on getting a good night’s sleep, and trying once more to start getting up before lunch time every day. There’s too much in flux at the moment to get into any kind of routine. One day at a time. I don’t need to rush into any decisions, not when I have no idea what’s going on. I need to catch up on some sleep. Some quiet time would be helpful.  Having gadget free day is most likely over ambitious, maybe just one night. I could read before I go to sleep, like I used to do. A good old fashioned book instead of a Jogi and Hansi adventure on my tablet.