Tag Archives: Dreams


Normally this would be the kind of prompt which is tailor made for me, after all I always have plenty of good dreams to write about. Not lately though, the past few days I’ve had more nightmares than anything else. Even when it has been football related it’s not been good and not involving one of my favourite Germans. The last one I remember involved Jürgen Klopp and getting yelled at by his psychotic friend in a disagreement of some kind about terrorism. The last one before that which I actually remember details of involved among others Andre Schürrle and Julian Draxler. The latter’s presence is especially amusing because I just stocked up on some fan-fiction to read and one of the pairings is him, Matze Ginter and Erik Durm.

The nightmares have involved being chased, accused of betraying people I care about and of abandoning someone. No gunmen or assassins yet, so I suppose that’s something. Nevertheless it hasn’t been any fun these past few days. And thanks to Microsoft my waking hours have almost been as nightmarish as my time asleep. I was determined that this week would get off to a better start than last week. Back then I almost lost all my word files and had to fix a whole set of other technical problems. This week didn’t get off to much of a better start, Windows 10 decided to install itself on my laptop against my will. I’ve spent most of this afternoon trying to fix it. I knew how to fix it, only problem was my laptop kept freezing up which made it a painfully slow process. All of this almost resulted in me missing Frankfurt’s game too, though luckily that didn’t happen. I had to resort to watching it on my old laptop. It’s not perfect but at least I didn’t miss the game. Now peace is restored in the universe, I’ve gone back to Windows 8 and it’s what I’m going to stick with. I’ve been looking at new laptops, not for now but for later in the year. I’m going to have pay a little extra to avoid having one which comes with Windows 10 but it’ll be worth it. In fact it’s worth it just for the principle. Your program must really suck if the only way you can get people to take it is tricking them into doing so.

As for the game it hasn’t been one of those which you absolutely have to watch, it’s been nothing of the sort. But Eintracht Frankfurt got their goal, their Bundesliga status is secure and 1.FCN won’t be joining Freiburg and Leipzig in the top flight. I’m relieved, not least because had Frankfurt lost then Niko Kovac would be out of a job. I don’t know if he’s going to stay but at least there’s a chance now. It’s great, now Freiburg get to visit Frankfurt once again. Maybe Petersen can put another couple of goals past them to go with his hat-trick from the previous season.

I’m done being angry about this afternoon’s events, I meant it when I said I want this week to get off to a better start. I’m not going to hit anything again, not my keyboard and not my laptop. I’m going to do the best I can to straighten things out sleep wise for the rest of the week. Being wound up is not going to help with that. Letting things go is not the easy for me but it’s what needs to be done. One day does not have to ruin the rest of the week. And this week is going to be fun, the team meet up tomorrow for the international break. Matze’s not in the squad but at least all my other favourite players are. Today has been far from a dream but I got something in the post which is most definitely dreamy:

Joachim Löw – signed Eintracht Frankfurt picture


Time and time again I’ve been told that the key to getting a good’s night sleep is having a good bedtime routine, a fixed routine which isn’t overly complicated and which involves going to bed at the same time every night. It’s not so simple though. Because I have a routine right now, it’s just not a good one and I’m finding it difficult to get out of it. Do something once and it becomes routine. Right now that routine involves not falling asleep until at least 4:00 or 5:00am. Routine could be the answer to my problems, but if I can’t break this one then I can’t bring in a new one. So far nothing works, not  staying up all night to break the pattern and not just letting it go and seeing if it’ll work itself out. I’ve been waiting in vain for months for that to be true. This is I have to say a rather well timed prompt because yesterday I went to see a film called Midnight Special. Michael Shannon is in it (hence why I wanted to see it) and his son has special powers of some kind or is an alien. The boy Alton, he can’t be awake in the day. Which I guess has something to do with the title of the film. It was a good film and I enjoyed it, but I’m still not sure what it was really about. Of course that may have something to do with the fact I only had four hours sleep the night before.

I have a love/hate relationship with sleep. Sunday night sleep was elusive, like a person you really miss but you know you can’t see again. Kind of like Philipp Lahm, you want him to come back but you know it’s not going to happen. Last night it was a similar story, it’s always the same after I get back late from the cinema, too hyped up to sleep. Tired but still not able to sleep. Which means of course I slept late today. Meaning today sleep is like a person you never want to see again, like a certain German striker I wish was never picked again. I’m not happy about that but I’m not really complaining either, the dream I had means I’m not so bothered about it. Dreaming about Hansi always makes it worth it, dreaming about hugging him and running my fingers through his hair all the more so. It was surprising that I dreamed about him, given what I was thinking about before I went to sleep I thought I’d dream about Matze or Erik.

One hand I like sleeping because of dreams like that but on the other hand I can’t help but see it as a waste of time. All I can think about is what I could be doing, there’s so many stories I could be working on, so many matches I could be watching and I could be completing the Lego Avengers game. Speaking of Lego if I don’t get much sleep tonight I know who to blame. Today they announced the new Lego die Mannschaft collectibles. There is thankfully one of Jogi but not one of Schneider. Given how much I don’t like the latter it’s probably for the best. What’s not so good is there isn’t one of Matze Ginter or Jonas Hector, I’m very disappointed about them not being included. At least the unveiling was fun, “the world’s smallest press conference.” They’re released one month and two days from now, the 14th of May and I can’t wait. I don’t play with Lego anymore, haven’t done in a long time in fact. But I’m still ridiculously excited about it.

Lego Jogi Löw & Sami Khedira Lego Jogi Löw Lego die Mannschaft 1 Lego die Mannschaft 2

Out of Order/A Petersen Dream

One of the reasons I kept putting off catching up with the Bundesliga posts is the thought of doing something out of order bothered me. It’s only when I realised that both options bother me and I’m the only one it bothers anyway did I realise it didn’t matter. Giving it some more thought I realised there’s another reason it’s not so important, I write fiction out of order so why not other stuff too? If I can live with writing stories out of order then I can live with this too. Besides everything else right now is all wrong anyway so it doesn’t really matter. It’s just one more thing to feel uncomfortable about. But I’m not stressing out about it or anything right now which is a nice feeling. The only bothersome thought on my mind is one which should be there, Freiburg’s game tonight with league leaders RB Leipzig.

The weekend has been a good one and pleasantly a very quiet one because the house has been a teenager free zone all weekend. I’ve always worried I would find living by myself too quiet, that the silence would get to me. Now I’m starting to feel a little differently about it. It was kind of nice. Besides having plenty of quiet time for reading there was also the fun of der Klassiker and the excitement of getting a new Jogi interview. With that and all the stickers I got at the weekend I can’t have any complaints really. My sleeping patterns are still far from perfect but there’s always going to be something that’s not quite right.

I did however get some sleep last night, too much in fact. But I’m not complaining because of the dream I had. I’m not sure if I’ve ever had  a dream with Nils Petersen in before. Not just him but also Karim Guede, Andre Schürrle and Julian Draxler. The scenario was a very strange one and had it not been for their presence it would have been a nightmare, dreams which are school based usually are. But not this time. The main event of note was some unknown person pointing out that Petersen was wearing a Freiburg shirt, which he was. Weirdly it was inside out. The person said they could tell because they could see the eagle. This makes no sense because it’s a griffin Freiburg have on their shirts, not an eagle which is what Eintracht Frankfurt have on theirs. At that point Petersen who was sitting across from me leaned over and offered his hand for a high five, saying that we were “t-shirt buddies” because I was wearing the same Freiburg shirt as him, the home red and black one.

It’s really random but then so is everything else, including the presence of Draxler and Schürrle. Had it been their fellow Wolfsburg players Max Kruse and Daniel Caliguri it would have made sense, since both of them have played for Freiburg. But I can’t work out why they would be there or what it could mean. I wonder if the money aspect has anything to do with it. Because obviously money would have been one of the chief motivators for both of them in moving to Wolfsburg. Or is it a message about being careful with your expectations of something. Because last season Wolfsburg had a great season, finishing second in the league, qualifying directly for the Champions League and winning the DFB Pokal. And they started off this season by beating Bayern in the Supercup final. So far that’s been their only major success, along with getting through to the knockout stages of the Champions League and the winter signing of Julian Draxler. The league form however has been terrible and nowhere near as good as last year. Maybe that’s the message, one good year doesn’t necessarily mean another one is going to follow.

Whatever it means and however tonight’s game goes I already have my consolation prize. Two new Jogi related clippings and some new Bundesliga stickers including the Heidenheim kits (important because of Niederlechner), Max Kruse and best of all Manuel Neuer. Just to round things off I secured a deal which will see me get Niederlechner’s Heidenheim card. I hope that’s a good omen for tonight.

Joachim Löw – Hugo Boss ad Joachim Löw – Bitburger ad 1.FC Heidenheim - Badge - Bundesliga 2015-16 sticker Max Kruse - VfL Wolfsburg - Bundesliga 2015-16 sticker Manuel Neuer - Bayern München - Bundesliga 2015-16 sticker

Mission Almost Accomplished

When I first started drafting this post I had two goals in mind, first and foremost to get my very own figurine of Bucky. I have found one and a way to get it, the only downside is that it’s not released until September. So some patience is required, but at least I definitely know I’m getting one. The second goal I had was to get a good night’s sleep, that predictably did not go so well. I did get to sleep on Thursday night, shortly after midnight, only problem is I slept most of the day as well. In the end it all worked out and I didn’t miss Freiburg’s game on Sunday but that’s besides the point. I’m not even sure what the point is anymore. I understand why I’m trying to get up every weekend but the rest of the time I have no idea. Upon finding out I can have my very own winter soldier I was quite excited about it. But I can’t help but wonder why. Why it is I need to spend so much money on what is essentially a very well crafted toy. Or why it is I spend any of the money I do on the things I buy.

I don’t know, I’m just feeling a little lost at the moment. I shouldn’t be, I should be nothing but happy right now. In the space of four days I got a Hansi video and three Jogi videos, plus a half-time interview from yesterday’s game. And most importantly of all Freiburg got their first win of 2016, beating their neighbours Sandhausen 2-0. Plus of course this Wednesday is Hansi’s birthday and I have a special post planned for him just like Jogi. There’s plenty to look forward to, more Champions League and Europa League before getting back to the Bundesliga on Friday. Yet part of me just wants to crawl back into bed and ignore everything.

What I really want to do other than that is to finish the story I’m working on, it would be nice to finish it in time for Wednesday but I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I don’t think I’m in the right kind of mood to write something so happy. I’m trying my best to focus on the positives, like the fact I just agreed a trade which sees me get the one final sticker I need to complete the Euro 2016 album. I certainly don’t want to get dragged down by any obsessive thoughts. Not about any social errors from the week past and not in relation to my upcoming cinema trip. I can’t let those thoughts and feelings take over which of course is easier said than done. I should keep Toni Kroos in mind, he’s Mr Cool because he’s unshakable, nothing gets to him or at least he doesn’t let it show. Maybe this is why I dreamed about him last week. It was funny him being in my dream because I was very excited to see him and I couldn’t hide it, I demonstrated my excitement with some very excited hand clapping. Which annoyingly is a real life trait of mine. Also baffling was the other two people in the dream. Those two people being Diego Maradona and Franco Nero who was dressed like he was in Django Unchained. I was given a suit by the former, I have no idea why or what it’s all supposed to mean.

I don’t really know what anything means, not in terms of dreams or real life. I suppose I should just try to get through the week and try not to get in any trouble. It just feels like that’s all I’m doing at the moment, moving from crisis to crisis. A lack of an overall plan of any kind is good in the sense that there’s less pressure on me but there are downsides too. The major one being that I don’t know what I’m doing or feel like I’m doing enough. I should be doing more and I know it. It sometimes seems kind of pathetic to me that getting up and dressed before lunchtime is considered an achievement of sorts these days. That I’ve gotten so far from reality and the outside world that such a thing is a big deal.

Can’t Stand Me

Can’t Stand Me

What do you find more unbearable: watching a video of yourself, or listening to a recording of your voice? Why?

The prospect of both is equally unbearable. I can’t stand the idea of all my quirks being caught on video. The idea of video footage existing of me would be bad enough but actually watching such a thing myself would be horrible. I can live with my strange little habits but not with watching them. Listening to a recording of my voice would be just as bad. I don’t want to hear just how strange I sound. That’s if I even got to hear me at all because I’m something of an accidental mimic. That is I without meaning to can pick up the accents and manner of speaking of the people around me.

I have to admit it’s quite ironic that I myself would hate to be recorded in any way because one of my favourite things to do is making Löw highlights. So whilst I’m delighting in watching and listening to Jogi or Hansi I feel quite the opposite way when it comes to me.

On the subject of Jogi I had my first Jogi dream of the year last night. Well the first one I can remember anyway. It’s not really relevant to this post other than the Jogi connection but a little randomness never hurt. The dream in question involved a football match. I don’t know who was playing or what kind of match it was. I don’t even know if I was actually there or not. It didn’t feel like I was watching it on TV but then it didn’t entirely feel like I was there either. What I do know is I was looking for Jogi. It was as if  I expected to find him in a certain place, in the section of the crowd I was searching because I was most disappointed when he turned out not to be there. I was even more disappointed I couldn’t find Hansi. Part of the problem was resolved when somehow I was pointed in the direction of the bench where sure enough Jogi was sitting. But still not Hansi. A fact which annoyed me. Until I realised what was odd about the situation. Hansi wasn’t there but neither was a certain other person meaning Jogi was sort of by himself. I say sort of because there were two people there, one either side of him but he seemed not to know that. And Andreas was there too further down on the bench.

Like I said I have no idea what type of match it was, if it was a club match or an international. So obviously I have no clue as regards the teams either and which one was Jogi’s. There’s only two further things I remember which are worth mentioning, seeing Jogi smile and seeing red shirts. The latter is of particular importance, Germany don’t wear red anymore but Freiburg do. It’s a nice thought, Jogi in charge of Freiburg, even if it’s just a dream. I like Christian Streich just fine and would not want to see him leave, but that doesn’t stop me from dreaming. There’s also an entirely rational explanation for the dream. Today I’m watching a repeat of the Stuttgart-Wolfsburg game which Jogi was at, I’ve seen the picture but don’t have video. It’s funny in that sense because Jogi of course coached Stuttgart for two seasons, so the confusion between where to look for him is explainable too.

One other random thing I have to mention. Today is Matthias Ginter’s 22nd birthday. Happy birthday Matze. And in honour of his special day some of my favourite pictures of him:

Matthias Ginter 9Matthias Ginter - BVB v S04 12Matthias Ginter - BVB v S04 9I knew Matze’s birthday was on the 19th and I definitely know this Friday is the 22nd because that’s when the Bundesliga returns. And yet I somehow forgot that his birthday was this Tuesday. It’s important because I said I would consider posting a certain story on his birthday but I said that thinking I had a week to decide. Instead I have seven hours. Typical, I spend a lot of time wishing there was no-one around so I can have some peace and quiet and now there’s no-one here I wish there someone was here so I could ask their opinion. I’ve posted quite a few of my Jogi stories by now but never a little Matze one. It would be nice since I haven’t posted any Jogi adventures in a while. The ones I’m working on at the moment are definitely not going to be put online, they most definitely come under the category of for my eyes only. I just hope someone gets back whilst it’s still daylight at least.

Vampire Jürgen and other Random Musings

Usually when I dream about a team near to a game they lose, I can think of only two exceptions to this pattern, happily on both those occasions it was Freiburg I dreamed about. I know there’s probably nothing to such things but I like making a note of them regardless, I like patterns like that. Last night it was Jürgen Klopp I dreamed about. Today Liverpool lost 2-0 to West Ham United. The pattern holds. What I don’t like is first dream of the year that I remember and it’s Klopp in it. Not Jogi, Hansi, Christian Streich or even Thomas Tuchel, but Klopp. It was I have to admit a most amusing dream. It took place at a school for vampires and Klopp himself was one, as was I. Also there was someone named Daniel. There’s three possible choices for who that could be. The real life one can be ruled out, it was definitely not him. That leaves Daniel Brühl and Daniel Siebert, the referee. I’m certain it wasn’t the former, but not entirely certain it was the latter either. It’s most disappointing that’s all I can remember, I would have loved to know what the story was. As for what the message was I don’t know. But there is one I’m choosing to take from it. If I got to bed at a decent hour and got enough sleep then maybe I would be sufficiently rested upon waking to remember more of my dreams. I don’t need to be told twice. Maintain a vampire schedule and you don’t get good dreams or to remember them. All you get is Klopp, albeit a vampire version. But go to bed at a decent hour and be rewarded with your favourite Germans, at least I hope so. In fact with how tired I feel today I could most likely happily fall asleep right now. The only reason I’m not is that there’s a repeat of an old game on later this evening that I want to see. After that I’m going straight to bed.

It’s the first of three football free weekends and it’s a very strange and disorientating experience. Combined with being tired and it only being the second day of the new year it all makes for a very confusing day. When I was watching part of Liverpool’s game earlier I got to thinking how slowly time was moving and how I never feel like that whilst watching Freiburg or Germany play. Then it’s like it’s over before I even know what’s happened, it feels like it’s just started and then all of a sudden it’s over. I feel that way about time in general, you spend a lot of time wondering where it went. Right now with there being no football on and having no fixed schedule for the weekend I feel the opposite way. Like there’s all this time to fill and I have no idea how to fill it. There’s plenty of things I could be doing. I just don’t want to do any of those things. I should be catching up on my Bundesliga posts, I need to do that before the season resumes. I can put that off for the weekend at least and get back to work on those on Monday. I also keep putting off rewatching the final two episodes of The Bridge and writing the final post about them. I’ve had enough time to do so, but I keep putting it off. It’s almost like if I don’t watch the final two episodes again then I won’t have to let go of Henrik and Saga. And I won’t have to admit that Hans is gone. I still can’t believe that. That they killed Hans off. For me that reason alone makes me wish there’s not going to be another series. Her having a new partner in the form of Henrik is one thing, but the thought of replacing Hans in anyway is unbearable.

Along with counting down the days until the season resumes I’ve been trying to work out what film to watch next. I keep thinking about Inglourious Basterds. Partly because that film is never far from my thoughts and partly because I read an article in which Tarantino said that the opening scene of that is his most favourite scene that he’s ever written. I would say it’s mine too but the truth is any line or scene he’s written that has Christoph Waltz in it is my favourite. Tarantino’s right about that, Christoph really does make his words sing. I’m not sure I could pick a favourite but if I really had to I would say the “That’s a bingo” line is the best of them all. There’s just something priceless about that scene.

The only thing holding me back from watching it is that the last time I watched it was the last but one week of the previous season. It was the night before Freiburg beat Bayern, or to be more precise since it finished so late, it was the very same day. It’s almost like a curse of some kind, I know Freiburg did beat Bayern but it didn’t matter in the end. On the other hand it seems like that’s exactly why I should watch it now, when the season is on break so I can watch it and not feel like I’m cursing anyone. Plus it would be a good time to watch it and Django Unchained, as kind of a preparation for The Hateful Eight on Friday.

I may be feeling a little lost today but at least I’m not worrying quite as much as I was yesterday. I think getting some sleep helped on that count, as did the Matze adventure I’m working on. I didn’t get enough sleep but enough to be of some help. The problem is still there and I’m still avoiding dealing with it but that’s ok for the moment. It will still be there on Monday. Right now my mind is focused on other things, I know all I’m doing is running away from it but that’s not always such a bad thing. I don’t think I come up with a solution just yet so surely it’s a good thing I’m not obsessing over it. Nor am I sure that I should allow myself to make up my mind right now, not when I’m feeling so confused. Allowing myself to be focusing on Matze and making character related decisions is not the worst thing to happen. Though it’s probably a little misleading to say I’m letting it happen, that implies I have any control in that matter. When truth is that couldn’t be further from the truth. Normally when I wake up I write whatever I can in my dream journal and I may make a few story notes if I have any random ideas. This morning I wrote a full three pages of the the beginnings of a new story for Matze. That was before doing anything else, it was after waking up and writing about the vampire dream, the third thing I did this morning. Writing the start of that story was apparently important enough to put off getting breakfast. Given how hungry I always am in the morning that means he’s pretty important then.

There are two other things which brightened up my day today besides Matze. Whilst I don’t yet know what Freiburg and Dortmund have planned for the winter break I do know that Bayern are playing Karlsuher SC in a friendly two weeks from today. So I will at least have one Saturday accounted for in the next three weeks. The other thing is something I got in the post, a very special signed picture of Hansi. I always like it when he smiles but I especially like it in this picture. I have by now quite a few pictures of him from when he was younger and active as a player, in many of them it doesn’t look like him. In this picture not only is his smile as wonderful as it always is but it looks like him too:

Hansi Flick – 1.FC Köln signed photo

A New Day & A new Hansi Dream

I said I wanted to get a good night’s sleep, when I said that I didn’t mean all day too. That’s what happened but I can’t be too mad about it, and not just because there’s no point. I’m not happy about having slept for so long. Not least because it makes my plans for tomorrow very tricky and because I feel terrible as a result of having done so. But like I said there’s no point in being angry about it, I think I must have really needed it. After all if you can sleep through construction work I think you must really be tired.

So tired in fact that I’m not watching any football tonight. I have the Friday night game on but I’m not watching it. But then I wouldn’t be enthusiastic about it even if I weren’t tired. I hate watching Hannover play. Though tonight’s kind is interesting because there are former Freiburgers on both sides. Hertha BSC have Vladimir Darida and H96 have Felix Klaus and Oliver Sorg. It’s half time and Hertha BSC are 1-0 up, excellent.

Speaking of Hannover, that’s where Germany will be playing their next home friendly, a fact which I’m still none too pleased about. That I have to have ticket from there, that I have to make a Jogi video that will be connected to that place. I hate that, having to experience any fun in the place Freiburg got relegated in. This is one of the reasons I can’t look forward to next week. Though I have to admit I am now a little bit excited to see what the new shirt will look like. I am however not getting too set on the idea that the DFB will be able to keep their promise, that it will get here in time for the game. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the events of the past two weeks it’s that I can’t get fixated on something going one way. I have to keep in mind the alternatives, to keep in mind that it may not go how I want it to go. Easier said than done, but I have to try.

So as a result I’ve gotten nothing done today, and I’m too tired to really do anything with the rest of the night. I would have liked to have caught up on my Bundesliga posts but they will have to wait. At least I got plenty done yesterday, so it kind of balances itself out.

I think it’s going to take a while to get back into any kind of routine, to be more precise a good routine. Because there is a pattern to be found in the past few weeks, but it’s not a good one. And it’s not one I want to continue. Though I have to admit it has been somewhat conducive in terms of writing. But it’s not particularly healthy or conducive in terms of everything else. I have to wonder does the other stuff matter, do I care about it? Does it matter if I can’t remember the last time I went outside, or the last time I talked to someone? Surely it’s easier to just ignore all of this. But then just because it’s easier doesn’t necessarily make it right.

All of this is exactly the kind of thing I need not to be thinking about right now. I’m hoping by writing it down that it will be off my mind. All I need to think about right now is Freiburg’s visit to Duisburg tomorrow and getting up in time to see it. I’ve got my lists and made my plans, and worrying or obsessing over this is not on any of them. So I shouldn’t be thinking about it. That’s probably some very over simplistic thinking on my part but it’s better at least than over complicating the matter as I usually do.

I may have gotten virtually nothing done today, but it is not such a bad day. Because not only do I have some new pictures of Hansi but he was in my dream. I only remember a little of it, but I’m not greedy. What I can remember is good enough. It started out with me watching a video on my laptop, it was on a website about the opening of a “Sportschule.” It was in German in the dream. There were pictures and video, and Hansi was in the video. Just when he was shown on the video, he appeared behind me. He didn’t say anything so I don’t know why I turned round or how I knew he was there. I turned round to see him standing there, he still didn’t say anything, not one word. All he did was smile, what I’ve come to call his special elf lord smile. I half got up from the floor and grabbed hold of his shirt and pulled him over so that he was sitting next to me. He didn’t object, he let me do it. The last thing I remember is him sitting next to me. Obviously I’d love to know if there was anymore to the story but having him there is enough, especially having him there sitting next to you and smiling that way. It’s a very nice thing to wake up to, and very helpful. I’m not sure I would be so forgiving of myself for having slept so long if it weren’t for this.  Even better is the fact that he was wearing a navy blue shirt in my dream, just as he is in the following pictures. Which is funny because I wrote about that shirt on Wednesday night and why it’s so special.

The new pictures from the DFB site:

csm_84101-Flick_Kamera_b201144de6 csm_84053-Hansi_Flick_e7c6b06fc4



Living at Extremes: From One to Löw

It’s not uncommon for people with AS to be extreme in their emotions as it is with many other things. In the same way that I either talk very little or talk a lot, am very positive or very negative, am very focused on something or completely disinterested, so it is with feelings that either I feel something very intensely or not at all. At least that’s what it seems like. I realise that the feelings most likely were there the whole time, it’s just that I only recognise them when they get to an extreme point. Another thing is that I get angry very quickly. There is no 2 to 8 on the scale, only 1 and 10. Or one and Löw as I like to say. I tend not to get a little bit angry, it’s not a question of a bad afternoon or hour. For me when something goes wrong as it did the other day, it’s the end of the world. Very quickly I went from being happy at watching the match to being angry, wanting revenge and wishing I didn’t exist.

And this was a good day, the reason for that being that it didn’t take too long to calm down and it didn’t ruin the rest of the day as it sometimes can. After ranting for a while, and after the internet problem was fixed I was calm again. But what it took to get there was not pleasant. Not so much for me but for the other person. Even when they know you don’t really mean what you are saying, it doesn’t make it any easier for them to hear and for them to say and do the right things.

What’s good about all of this is that I actually know this, and can actually understand their perspective a little. I couldn’t do this before, but writing about this kind of thing has really helped in allowing me to see what they may be feeling and thinking, to understand a little about how helpless they must feel. Writing about a scenario like this also helped me to express how I feel about it, which is something I couldn’t do verbally. It was writing about stuff like this that helped me make some sense of it. It wasn’t that match I was upset about, it’s just a friendly and is only Bayern after all. Plus I knew I might get another shot at seeing it elsewhere (which I did). It was the weekend that was bothering me, Monday to be more precise. Maybe if I hadn’t been stressed out about that I wouldn’t have reacted in such an extreme way.

To get back to the topic of how difficult it is for anyone who happens to be around, I appreciate that’s it’s not easy for them to hear any of it. But at least now I can reassure them that I really don’t mean any of what I said. And now they know that them saying anything is not helpful, that listening is all that’s required. They want to help, I get that, and it’s difficult to see someone you care about upset and not be able to do anything that you would normally do to comfort a person. So it’s important for them to know that the things they would normally do to comfort someone are most likely going to be of no use here.

Somewhat related to things being at extremes is how one day you can write four pages without even trying for an idea that you just came up with, but another piece is taking forever to finish because of one missing sentence. Eleven pages rendered temporarily useless all because you can’t figure out how to end one conversation. And then all of a sudden, you go back to it, and the sentence you were looking for appears in your head, just like that. No explanation, no logical reason. No reason at all why it should happen now and not when you wanted it to.

Usually I note random German coincidences, that is spotting German names or words in TV shows. This time it’s a Swiss connection. Two nights in a row, the show I was watching before I went to bed has featured the name Sommers. As in Yann Sommer, Borussia Mönchengladbach’s Swiss goalkeeper. And then in the show after it, the main suspect was called Roman. Plus last night I woke up the middle of the night to find an episode of CSI Miami on, the cross-over episode with CSI:NY and the first line of dialogue I heard was “what made Mr Hanover so blue?”

I wish I hadn’t heard that, I’m sure that contributed to the weird dream I had. I wish it was them who were feeling blue right now, I wish it was them who were suiting up for a promotion campaign in the 2. Bundesliga. Tonight is the night, there are zero days now left on my 2. Bundesliga count-down. It’s opening night but Freiburg aren’t playing tonight, they don’t play until Monday which is good because it means there’s still a chance that my shirt will get here before then. I both feel excited and guilty right now. Excited because finally there is some real football on and guilty for feeling excited. Regardless of how guilty I feel, I was extremely happy to hear the all so sweet opening music again, though I’m not pleased at all with the new graphics, they should bring back the flags.

Speaking of flags my very strange dream from last night had flags in it. Not the flags of all the 2.B teams as I saw tonight though, but all the flags of the 1.B teams, minus Freiburg’s and Paderborn’s. It was not the flags that made it strange, the location of the dream did that. It was a train and each person on the train had a flag to carry, and I don’t know how I know this but I know it was a ghost train. I have no clue what that is meant to mean, none whatsoever.

To get back the subject of writing, there was one very good thing about tonight, I came up with a lot of ideas during the half time break including a very conversation about vampires between Jogi and Hansi, the story I wrote it for is not one I can post online but it’s so funny that I may just try to find a way to work it into one of the ones that is.

This is not the idea you are looking for

I almost had the anniversary story finished, I got close to the end on the beach. Then I went back and made some slight changes to a conversation in the middle of the story and whilst I was there I added a little something extra, in doing so I wrote myself into a corner that as of yet I’ve been unable to write myself out of. I’ve gotten plenty of ideas and managed to make a note of them before forgetting them, but not the one I’m looking for, not the one I need the most. Now I can think of nothing else and sleep is proving elusive. Whilst I was up I ended up I ended up getting started on another chapter which turned out to be a little longer than I anticipated and soon took a whole other direction, despite that it still proved helpful in that it helped me figure out what’s on my mind. I still can’t sleep, but at least I know why now.

There’s one other good thing that came out of one of my stories, I took Hansi’s advice, well my own advice really. I don’t like admitting that I don’t understand any given situation, or that I don’t know what to do. But sometimes, you can’t work it out by yourself and it doesn’t do anyone any good hiding the truth. So I didn’t hide it, I admitted that I had no clue, that I didn’t know what was expected of me or what I’m meant to say. Whatever I did, I was going to end up obsessing over it, whatever I did I would be convinced that it was the wrong thing. Whatever happens, at least I know that I told the truth, surely you can’t do much more than that?

One thing that I can’t work out is whether or not to watch a certain match should I get the opportunity, the match in question is Freiburg’s final game from last season, the relegation decider. I’ve got a copy of the first half and some of the second but not the last few minutes. I do have the highlights in English and German which have those moments however. I couldn’t make up my mind if I should watch it or not, so I wrote a chapter about it. Hansi’s verdict is that no good can come of it, that there’s no point in making yourself suffer in watching it. And yet I still feel tempted to do so, I have no idea why.

Random tangent. Whilst I was sorting out the categories and organizing everything, I was looking through some old posts and I came across a post from way back in October which mentions a dream I had in which Joachim Löw and Jürgen Klopp both featured in. In the dream Jogi was wearing all white and was playing football. My friend made a comment that the fact he’s wearing white is significant but they didn’t say exactly what they meant. They’re right, it is significant, but not in the way they implied. I can’t believe only now am I putting this together, he wore an all white kit whilst playing in Sami Khedira’s charity match. A kit which bears more than a passing resemblance to Freiburg’s new away kit. And only now do I realise the significance of Klopp being there, he was Dortmund’s coach before Thomas Tuchel and it was Tuchel that signed Bürki. If Klopp had not left would Dortmund not have signed Bürki? Would it have been better or worse had he gone somewhere else, pointless thinking that now I suppose.

Being up late has got me thinking about all kind of things. One of which is a a quote from a documentary I watched last night about a boarding school for girls with autism. Something one of them said interested me enough to make a note of it, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. They said “how can I really be human when my own species doesn’t even accept me?”

A Summer Nightmare/500th Post

Deutschland: Ein Sommermärchen is the title of the film about Germany’s 2006 World Cup campaign and should be in theory my second favourite film ever. Die Mannschaft should of course be my first, the truth is neither of them are. In fact I’ve only seen the former once and the latter twice, the reason being I find them too emotional to watch and rewatch them as obsessively as I do my other favourite films. A summer fairy tale is what “Ein Sommermärchen” means, as the title of this post suggests summer is no fairy tale for me, especially when it’s as warm as it is right now. The heat is driving me to despair and just in case things couldn’t be worse I’m sick as well. After having slept most of the day and missing the press conference, I now find myself awake at 4:00am. Which is not good at all, not when the Gibraltar game is at 19:40 today and Sami Khedira’s charity match is on Sunday at 15:30. Such bad timing, it couldn’t wait two days, then I would happily spend the day in bed doing nothing but that’s not an option right now, there’s still so much to do. My mood is not improved by the impending end of the school year and with that the number of children around. Why is it that they must shriek in that way, it’s like having a banshee for a neighbor.

I should be in a celebratory mood, this is my 500th post. Plus I did what I promised myself I would do all the way back in December, I posted for every day of the Rückrunde. I honestly thought I would never reach 500 posts, I thought for sure I would get bored or run out of ideas way before then. I can be like that with projects, have lots of great ideas at first and plenty of enthusiasm but after being totally focused on it for a while, I get bored and move on to something else. For whatever reason that hasn’t happened here and I’m not particularly interested in knowing why that it is, not tempting fate and all that. Some things just are.

It’s been a few days since I’ve actually written something for here, everything else has been die Mannschaft related. It’s funny then that one of the few posts containing text, starts out being about them too. On a related note, die Mannschaft is their official name now. It’s what I always refer to them as and yet somehow I’m not entirely satisfied with them being called that. I prefer die Nationalmannschaft, but that’s probably too long and unwieldy and of course it’s not the name the world knows them by. Jogis Elf is what some people like. I like that name a lot and think it would have been a good choice too, but it doesn’t fit with their project, with what they are building and the spirit of the whole thing. Calling the team Jogis Elf ties it to one person, to one coach. But what they are doing is bigger than one coach, than one set of players. The work started with Klinsmann, Löw and Bierhoff in 2004 and it will continue long after them, a legacy. Because that is the driving force behind the idea of “die Mannschaft.” That the team comes first and that no one person is more important or bigger than the team.

On the subject of Jogi, I dreamed about him earlier. In the dream he spoke English, he didn’t speak one word of German in fact. Interesting thing is, he didn’t sound strange at all. What makes this so fascinating is that in yesterday’s press conference he spoke English, not much, just to clarify a question put to him in English. Then he didn’t so strange either, I guess his accent is less pronounced when he’s less aware of what he’s saying. In one of the other videos I’ve seen in which he’s speaking English he’s reading from a script and that’s when he sounds strange. I also talked about Marc Andre Ter Stegen in the dream, got into a disagreement related to him in fact. Wonder what that’s supposed to mean. I wonder if it has anything to do with the predictions about who Weidenfeller’s successor is going to be. I know Ter Stegen’s international career didn’t get off to a great start, that’s putting it mildly, but that was three years ago, a lot has changed since then.  Also in contention are Timo Horn, Kevin Trapp and Bernd Leno. Horn in particular will prove to be formidable competition for him. Leno is an interesting one too, he’s highly rated in the Bundesliga and yet I keep hearing about how apparently he’s not highly rated by Jogi Löw and co.

2. Bundesliga Count-down – 41 days to go.

As pleased as I am that I did what I set out to do, I can’t be very happy about it. Not whilst I watch the team get torn apart. Jonathan Schmid has of course gone to Hoffenheim, Nils Petersen as expected has returned to Bremen and Dani Schahin is off to Mainz. And now the worst, Oliver Sorg to H96 and Admir Mehmedi to Leverkusen. Still no definite news on Roman, though I keep reading about Dortmund being interested in him.

Returning to the club is Alexander Schwolow who spent last season on loan at Arminia Bielefeld. Already signed last month were Tim Kleindienst from Energie Cottbus and Lukas Kübler from SV Sandhausen. Signed in the last few days were midfielder Amir Abrashi from Swiss side Grasshopper Club-Zürich, defender Vegar Eggen Hedenstad from Eintracht Brauschweig and midfielder Vincenzo Grifo from Hoffenheim who spent last season on loan at FSV Frankfurt.

GC-ABRASHIAbrashi is of Albanian descent but was born and raised in Switzerland. Like his fellow countryman Mehemdi he used to play for FC Winterthur but unlike him chose to play his international football for Albania instead of Switzerland and has 13 caps to his name.

Tim Kleindienst

Tim Kleindienst

Lukas Kübler

Lukas Kübler

Vincenzo Grifo

Vincenzo Grifo

Vegar Eggen Hedenstad

Vegar Eggen Hedenstad

Alexander Schwolow

Alexander Schwolow