Tag Archives: Çağlar Söyüncü

Advent Calendar Day 16: Frohe Weihnachten aus Matze Ginter/Ein typisches Söyüncü Nachmittag

The second part of the title is a phrase the commentator used today when talking about Freiburg’s Çağlar Söyüncü. And he wasn’t wrong, it was a typical Söyüncü afternoon and indeed that later turned out to apply to the whole game. As he usually does he had a pretty good game, winning most of his challenges and battles until that is he made a mistake and gave away a penalty. Which wasn’t actually given because of an earlier handball. That’s right a VAR decision actually went in Freiburg’s favour. With that I was thinking just maybe things were going their way. But of course it wasn’t to be and Alfred Finnbogason had other ideas. Last weekend Freiburg came from 3-0 down to beat Köln so there was no reason why they couldn’t do that in Augsburg, unfortunately things happened a little differently today. Before the game started there was a little bit of snow in the air and I foolishly hoped it maybe provide some good luck. Snow didn’t stick and unfortunately neither did Freiburg’s luck.

Had they won it would have been three victories in a row. But even without having won it’s still five games without defeat, that’s not the worst way to end the year. And of course they’re not in the relegation zone, finishing the first half of the season in 13th place. So today isn’t without it’s good points, though the fact they yet again conceded three goals makes it a little hard to enjoy the silver lining of the situation.There is however something about today I had no trouble enjoying and that is the delightful little Christmas greetings video from the highlights show. That was most definitely a nice little early Christmas gift to get. I’m not the only who got a gift early today either, Köln also got one, finally winning a game. Seventeenth time’s a charm I guess, they beat Wolfsburg 1-0.

Advent Calendar Day 12: The Day of Petersen

I wish I could come with a better title, Nils certainly deserves one. Also because the title makes it sound like I got Nils’ card in the DFB calendar, something which of course is never going to happen. Maybe Christian Günter will be in there one day but not Nils. That doesn’t matter tonight anyway, they didn’t win a trophy or promotion but you wouldn’t know it from the players and Christian Streich’s reaction. It was a big game, three points would see them out of the relegation zone. For some reason at home they don’t lose against Gladbach and tonight was no exception. It may not have been a performance as terrific as the one which saw them beat Gladbach 3-1 last season but it was good in it’s own way. They only scored the one goal and that was a penalty but it so easily could have been more. I’m kind of glad it wasn’t though, it would have made a dent in the goal difference which obviously is important but I would have felt bad for Matze. Gladbach aren’t having a very good week, last weekend they got a penalty wrongfully taken away and scored an own goal. And this week Jannik Vestergaard isn’t any happier, the penalty was debatable to say the least. And once again it showcases how annoying and intrusive VAR can be. It took them close to a minute to stop the play and tell the referee. If they are going to keep VAR they need to make it more responsive and communication needs to be better. In the end  don’t think it would have mattered, the way the second half went I think Freiburg would have won anyway. That won’t make Vestergaard feel any better of course.

I could rage against everything that went wrong today and all the things I screwed up, not least about the fact I need to take better care of my stuff. This time it’s my tablet and the USB port needs replacing. Being without it makes me feel like I’m missing a part of me, I’m so used to it being at hand it actually feels like an extension of me. Having a laptop in front of you is just not the same at all. But it’s my own fault and now I have to pay the price, not just the cost of the repairs but the waiting. I keep going to get it thinking it’s there. It’s only been 24 hours and it’s like I’m going through a withdrawal of some kind. One thing is for certain I’ll be careful not to mention this to any so called “professional.” Lest they give  me yet another lecture about being “overdependent on technology.” You know because normal people aren’t over reliant on technology at all. I’m not going to rant about that or anything else. Freiburg won, Nils scored a goal and just as importantly I got the Jogi video I was expecting to get today.

Nils scored the only goal of the night but he was far from the most important man on the pitch tonight, in fact everyone but Alex was. He for once didn’t have a lot to do, which makes a pleasant change for him I suppose. Of great importance tonight was Çağlar Söyüncü. This was a game made for him, several times he got partake in the monster tackles and interventions he thrives on, earning himself a much deserved equally monster hug from Christian Streich after the game. Apparently some Premier League clubs are interested in Söyüncü, I hate to say it but I can see why, he would be great in the English league. But he’s not going anywhere, not yet.

Nils Petersen goal – SC Freiburg v Gladbach 2017/18

SC Freiburg v Gladbach 2017/18 – last ten seconds and celebrations

Sometimes I think maybe things are predestined, today of all days I get the sticker of Jonas Hector and the card of Marco Reus. The connection of course being Peter Stöger who up until last weekend was Hector’s coach at Köln and is now Reus’ coach at Dortmund. There’s another interesting connection in the sense that tonight was his first game in charge of Dortmund against Mainz, the team of former Dortmund coach Thomas Tuchel. As well of course as being the former team of current Dortmund player Andre Schürrle. Well Dortmund won their first game with the new Peter in charge. As for Köln tomorrow night will be their second league game without him and there is no way in hell they are going to win it or even draw with Bayern. Last season they got a very respectable point at the Alllianz arena, a feat which is the very definition of impossible now.

Loyal

It’s been too long since I’ve written anything on here, I’ve posted but not actually written anything – Jogi and Hansi pictures don’t count. To be precise it’s been 151 days since I last wrote something, over five months ago. But that’s not the whole story, I stopped posting regularly long before then, at the start of the year. In all those months I didn’t even consider posting or look at the daily prompt which used to be part of my daily routine. Like so many other things it slipped away, and now it’s one of the things I’m trying to get back. The past few weeks I’ve started looking at the prompts again, trying to sum up the courage and enthusiasm to write something. And this one is so well timed I had to make myself try to write a little something.

Ordinarily the topic of being loyal would give me the opportunity to write about something Jogi related or at the very least Freiburg. I am going to mention the former but in a constructive way, not in “an excuse to go on about my obsession” way. I’ve done something which I have never done before, I finally have the opportunity to do something real related to an obsession of mine. Last week I took the impulsively insane decision to buy a ticket for the England-Germany game next month. It’s strange that’s for sure, a few months ago I was obsessively plotting my own death and now instead I’m making travel plans for a football match. I’m excited about going but also terrified, I think I may have over extended myself. I’m supposed to be increasing my independence but not necessarily by talking a drastic step like this. All this work I’m putting in and I won’t even get to see Manuel Neuer, with the recurrence of his foot injury he won’t be in squad until next March, if then. I’m making up for that in the best way I can, if the real Neuer won’t be there then I’ll take my own. I plan on taking my own soft toy version of Neuer with me and snapping a few pictures of him in London. It’ll be like Manuel’s travel journal.

Given that I’m focusing on something positive and doing all of this by myself you would think the psych would have no objection to this, but they do. In line with everything else they’ve told me they’re worried about me “feeding my obsession even more.” That I’m getting more obsessed when I should be stepping away from it. Because to them I’m not just loyal to Jogi and all of my other favorite Germans, they think I have an unhealthy attachment to them to the detriment of everything else. Which is kind of funny really, I mean have they not read the diagnostic criteria for autism? But then as they’ve reminded me several times they aren’t an expert in autism. They didn’t need to remind me of that, I can’t forget it, not when they do things like pick me up on my use of the words “NT people” and “autistic people.” Apparently it’s not good to talk about the two like they’re different which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. If they aren’t different the diagnosis of autism wouldn’t even exist now, would it?

I don’t think a lot of their advice, according to them the solution to my problems is for my special interests to be less consuming, and to spend more time with other people. That’ll solve my anxiety, intrusive thoughts and depression apparently. Of course that completely overlooks the fact that if being around other people were easier for me a and a less anxiety provoking experience I wouldn’t retreat into my special interests quite so much. I don’t know what the answer is but I do know I’m not going to walk away from one of the few things that makes me happy just because some so called professional (who in their own words knows very little about autism) thinks it’s a good idea. Maybe I have crossed a line and maybe my latest special interest is a little all too encompassing. But it’s all I have right now and it makes sense, which is more than I can say for anything else.

Other people don’t make any sense at all, at least the NT ones I know don’t, not at the moment. I don’t understand how someone can disappear for four months and reappear without any explanation, and still claim to be your friend. There’s a line between loyalty and blind stupidity, and I think I’m a little closer to the latter. I don’t stand up for myself, I let people walk all over me in this regard. And some people use autism as a justification of sorts, they say that I’m worrying over nothing, that I’m just being over obsessive and it’s autism’s fault. When in reality it’s them, they are being a bad friend. Because a real friend wouldn’t invite you somewhere and then leave you hanging as to the details. For a long time I’ve worried about this kind of thing, about other people seeing me as a pushover. I’ve wondered if they think I’m so pathetic and socially lacking in regards to social opportunities that they’ll just assume I’ll put up with it because I have no other options.

On the surface of it you would think being described as loyal is a good thing, but maybe it’s not. And I’m not the only person to wonder about such things. Perhaps it’s not a good thing for other people to think of you as being “loyal” but when it comes to football I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I don’t think being a fan of a team like Freiburg makes me a loser or anything like that. It doesn’t matter that I had to wait until MD7 for them to win their first game when last season the first win came on MD2. They might have made us wait but when they finally delivered it was all so worth it, beating Hoffenheim 3-2 and Çağlar  Söyüncū getting his first ever goal in a Freiburg shirt. No matter when his first goal happened I would remember it but with scoring in a goal in a game like that he’s guaranteed he’ll be remembered forever now, regardless of where he ends up in the future. Maybe other people do think being such an ardent fan of a team like Freiburg makes me an idiot, if so, that’s ok. If there’s one thing I know it’s not to take seriously what other people think. If only I could remember that when it really mattered.

Should is the Root of all Evil

I’ve been waiting to post something until I was sure I had a subject to write about which wasn’t related to real life in any way. I still don’t have that but today I realised I don’t need to keep waiting. It’s possible to write about real life without it getting too depressing. At least today it is. I’m in sort of a good mood and I’m making the most of it. Freiburg won, I got a Jogi video from the game and with ten packets of stickers left to open I’ve completed 87% of this season’s album. Those things may seem pretty trivial but they are very important to me and I’m no longer worrying if I should be thinking of bigger things or if my interests make me a child. I don’t care anymore.

What I should or shouldn’t like is of no importance to me anymore. I’m not so worried about what other people think of me in that way. Sometimes the right pieces come together at the right time to make you see something and that happened to me this week. The research I’ve been doing for my presentation and the psych appointment being the two pieces in question. One of the things I discovered whilst looking things up was the word autism was first used in 1912 and it used to describe a group of patients who seemed to be isolated and uninterested in the world around them. That was long before autism became a proper diagnosis or even a recognised condition but it wasn’t that far off an accurate description. And I know some people won’t like it but it makes sense to me. I understand why some people will be offended by that because it conjures up the image of the stereotype of autistic people who are living within their own little world and who are unable or uninterested in being a part of the world around them. Thing is I do live in my own little world and I’m not keeping that a secret anymore. I’m not making myself spend time with other people just because I think I’ve had too much alone time. I know what makes me happy and what doesn’t. It really should be that simple but I over complicate it. I have to try and stop doing that.

Like I said it makes sense to me and it was reading all of that combined with what the person I saw said which made me realise something. I wish they’d been blunter, at first they went through the usual but there’s no such thing as normal anyway. Then we got to the real point. I don’t seem normal because I’m not. Any effort I put into trying is a waste of time. It’s an unobtainable dream. And that led to another question, do I even want to be normal?

The past few months I certainly thought I did, now I’m not so certain. One thing I did decide is that I was a lot happier before I started worrying about what other people think I should be doing. I’ve been so worried that I won’t or can’t meet their expectations. And I’ve been worried about what’ll happen when they realise that themselves. Yet I was worrying about completely the wrong thing. What I’m really afraid of is them finding out I have no intention of even trying. Because I really don’t want to be normal or to do any of the things everybody thinks I should want. That’s the secret I’m worried will be exposed. Not only that I can’t pretend to be normal but I don’t actually want to.

I know I said this wasn’t going to be depressing, I didn’t lie, this is far less depressing than the last thing I posted. I’m not debating whether or not I have the right to be alive for one thing. Today I haven’t felt like I’m a waste of space who doesn’t even deserve to consume oxygen. I might feel that way tomorrow or even later tonight if I can’t sleep again. But at least I had this one afternoon free of any such worries. To get back to the point there’s a phrase I came across which I feel fits perfectly, it’s how the Navajo Indians refer to people with autism and such disabilities. They call them perpetual children which I think is a really neat way of putting it.  I can’t explain why exactly, I just really like it.

Nothing has changed between now and the last post I wrote, nothing has been fixed or anything like that. There’s still plenty to be put right and I’m no closer to a solution for the main problem than before. The reason I’m not stressing out over it is because I’ve let myself withdraw into my own little world without worrying if I should or not. There’s that word again, should. They’re right, it can be an insidious and unhelpful word. I have to do what I need and right now that’s run as far as possible from reality.

On the subject of reality there is one thing I have to mention, Freiburg’s win against Schalke today means they’re in fifth place in the table. If they finish in fifth place they’ll be playing Europa League football. I don’t want to think about next season because it feels like tempting fate, both in regards to them and myself. As good a mood as I’m in it still makes me uneasy to think that far ahead, to assume I’ll still be alive then I suppose. In regards to Freiburg it’s not missing out on Europe Im worried about, what’s scaring me is the possiblity they will qualify. I’m not sure they’re ready for such a big step. Last time it pretty much broke them and whilst I’d love them whatever happens – whatever division they play in, I’d rather not have to go through the heartbreak of relegation again and what comes with that.

Relegation is one thing, you can always get promoted again after all. But the players, that’s not so simple. I got over the others leaving last time that’s true. This is different though, I’ve watched them become a team together, it would be all the more painful because of that. I guess this specfic worry ties in with what I’ve been writing about. Because by rights there’s no way Freiburg should be in contention for European football. They’ve conceded 55 goals so far this season. To find a team who’s conceded more in fact you’d have to go right to the bottom of the league, HSV have let in 59 and Darmstadt 59. To put things in perspective they were relegated in 2014/15 having scored 36 and conceded 47. They’re going to finish in the top half of the table with a worse goal difference then when they were relegated, having scored only four more goals. I think it’s the contradiction and oddly enough their unpredictable nature which I love so much. Sometimes they just don’t make any sense. I guess they’re a good fit for me in that sense. I mean last week they lost to Darmstadt who are in 18th and got relegated this weekend, and not only did they lose but they did by three goals. And this weekend they’re in a European place. From one extreme to the other.

The reason for their relegation two years ago lay in the fact that season they drew 13 games compared to five this season. They still have defensive issues obviously but they’re working on them, Söyüncü is a large part of the reason they’ve improved so much. The handsome Turk has the intelligence to match those good looks and is something of a monster tackler. There’s one question which requires no thought at least, he is without a doubt my favourite player this season. Not just my favourite new player but my favourite overall. There’s nothing complicated about that at least.  I just wish he could have played today, not least so Schwolow would have someone to celebrate with, a little something like this:

Lowered Expectations

These past few months I’ve had very low expectations of myself and the past few weeks that’s been true more than ever. The logic is simple, keep expectations low so that way I won’t be disappointed when I fail to live up to them. This week all I have to do is write one small letter, I know it’s only Tuesday but I’m already beating myself up for not having gotten it done. All this time thinking about it and I could have just written the damn thing by now. Yet it’s not so easy, not least (and I’m aware this sounds absurd) because I don’t know what to say. Or rather I know what to say I just don’t know how to put it, how to make myself come across politely. I’m used to things making me feel stupid in some way but this is something else, it’s making me feel like words aren’t my friends either. It’s had the effect of not making me want to write anything, though I can’t blame that for not posting anything on here, I haven’t felt particularly motivated in that respect anyway. So unmotivated have I felt on that count I’ve stopped bothering to make excuses to myself as to why I haven’t done so, nor did I make myself promises, saying that I would try the next day.

When it comes to this stupid letter however I have made many excuses and found just as many distractions.  First of all falling back on the usual tried and tested methods such as looking for new Jogi pictures, sorting stickers and then resorting to sorting out the ever growing list of recordings on my hard-drive. The latter provided quite a bit of fun, I’d forgotten about all the Copa America games I’d collected last summer and the fact that it wasn’t all doom and gloom. As for new distractions I’ve spent quite a bit of time dreaming about Freiburg’s Turkish defender Çağlar Söyüncü. In my story I paired him up with Alexander Schwolow as friends simply because that’s how I wanted things to be. And it turns out they have quite the budding friendship in real life, at least on the pitch anyway. It’s one of the things which has cheered me up somewhat this week. I always like getting pictures of my favourite players but these were extra special, and just to make it a little bit more fun I made a GIF too:

caglar-soyuncu-alexander-schwolow-freiburg-v-koln-2016-17 caglar-soyuncu-alexander-schwolow-freiburg-v-koln-2016-17-1 caglar-soyuncu-alexander-schwolow-freiburg-v-koln-2016-17-2caglar-soyuncu-alexander-schwolow-freiburg-v-koln-2016-17-3I know I’m getting ahead of myself seeing as there’s still fourteen matches to go of this season but I’ve already made up my mind, the name on my home shirt next year is going to be Söyüncü. In one way I suppose that’s a good thing, the idea that I’m thinking ahead, even if it’s only in a football sense. Thinking ahead to next season means a part of me is planning on being around that long. Even if I don’t feel like it’s true evidently another part of me knows better. I can’t say that I’m feeling any better though because that wouldn’t be true at all. The feeling that I’m sleepwalking through everything won’t go away. Even when I’m watching Freiburg play I feel like I’m not quite all there. I start off feeling fine but the longer the game goes on the harder it gets to keep paying attention to it and my mind ends up drifting.

I thought all those feelings might disappear when I got some sleep but in retrospect I don’t think the sleeping tablets helped that much. For one thing without them I’ve fallen back into my old routine of sleeping in the day and being awake at night, and for another I didn’t like the way they made my head feel. They helped me get some sleep and actually at night-time too, problem is I felt sleepy in the day as well, even with just a half dose. But it doesn’t matter in the long run anyway since they could only be a temporary solution. I’m not quite sure where all this leaves me now or what if anyhing to do next. I’m not keen on the idea of going back there again. I’m not sure listening to someone tell me that at least my speech is good, there must be good things about having autism and that I should just do the things which make me happy is going to help. Great, so I’m capable enough in terms of speech and expressing myself to say that I feel like I don’t want to be alive anymore but I can’t articulate why. And of course I have to live with this, with everything not making sense. I can imagine their answer to that too, things like this don’t make sense to anyone and it’s difficult for everyone. I have no idea if that makes any sense, I hope it’s not descending into rant territory anyway because I said I wouldn’t do that today. I’ve aleady exceeded my rant limit by ranting about Leipzig and last week’s events.

Whatever the answer to any of that there’s one thing I know for definite, I can’t do something because someone else thinks it’s a good idea or it’s what I should be doing. If I write something it has to be because I feel like it. Forcing myself to write could end up making me hate it and were that to happen I’d pretty much be left with nothing. Football is a good interest to have right now but it’s nothing without the stories. If I lost the stories I might actually start to feel lonely. I know I feel a little lonely even with them but not quite so much. At least when there’s always at least one character living in my head then I always have someone to talk to. And I don’t have to worry about what time of day it is. People don’t like being woken up at 4:00am unless it’s a real emergency. And apparently having an existential crisis isn’t an emergency, nor is finding a new Jogi video either.

Normally I would say that the week can’t have been strange because everything is always strange. Yet after last weekend’s events I think I can say just that. I’m not sure what result was more surprising, Dortmund losing 2-1 to Darmstadt or RBL losing 3-0 to HSV. The former resulted in the commentator saying that sometimes things happen in football which can’t be explained. The words stuck with me, as did the fact Darmstadt won at all. Surely given their perilous situation they can’t possibly survive, it makes me wonder if there’s a message in that, sometimes even the loser gets to win. As for HSV that was a different kind of incredible, no-one would have predicted them being the team to breach Fortress Leipzig, or doing it in the way they did. It led to me coining the phrase “Holy Hamburger SV Batman.” Which sums up effectively the weirdness of that situation, and just to make it a little more interesting one of the goals was scored by Kyriakos Papadopoulos who spent some time on loan at RBL earlier this season. He was of course on loan from Leverkusen and he scored against them too. It’s exactly the kind of trivia I love. In that sense I’m glad I still care enough to remember such things. The day I stop caring about random facts and trivia is the day I know all is lost.

Bundesliga 2016/17 Album

Of all the things I’ve been looking forward to this season the new sticker album would come close to topping the list and for two simple reasons, Freiburg being back in the top flight and finally getting a sticker of Nils Petersen as a Freiburg player. I’ve waited two years for the latter and it was worth the wait. As luck would have it I got one of his stickers in the first lot of packets I opened from the blisterpack, the shiny version of him too.  In total I got six Freiburg players from the first lot of stickers, including getting Alexander Schwolow in the first page of the album which made me most unhappy. I wanted to get him from a packet and now I feel cheated of that. As well as Nils and Alex I also got who is shaping up to be my favourite player this season, Turkish defender Caglar Söyüncü. And Vincenzo Grifo, Marc-Oliver Kempf and Aleksandar Ignjovski. From the packets however it wasn’t a Freiburg player who was the first of my favourites to appear, that honour goes to Jonas Hector of 1.FC Köln. Now that I don’t mind, he may not be a Freiburg man but I like him a great deal and I was just as happy get Thomas Müller and Robert Lewandowski.

I do however have one major complaint with the album, just like the Champions League one it has no sticker of Matthias Ginter or Erik Durm, he  was in there last season but isn’t now. It’s one of two reasons why I have no pictures of the Dortmund page. The other reason is the same one there’s no picture of the Bayern page either, with Freiburg being back in the top flight it’s not necessary. They’re in there and instead VfB Stuttgart and Hannover 96 suffer the ignomy of having just a sticker for their badge and kits at the back of the album:

20170206_151824 20170206_151647-1 20170206_174353 20170206_174406alexander-schwolow-sc-freiburg-2016-17-bundesliga-sticker jonas-hector-1-fc-koln-2016-17-bundesliga-sticker caglar-soyuncu-sc-freiburg-2016-17-bundesliga-sticker aleksandar-ignjovski-sc-freiburg-2016-17-bundesliga-sticker sc-freiburg-mannschaft-2016-17-bundesliga-sticker marc-oliver-kempf-sc-freiburg-2016-17-bundesliga-sticker robert-lewandowski-bayern-2016-17-bundesliga-sticker nils-petersen-sc-freiburg-shiny-2016-17-bundesliga-sticker vincenzo-grifo-sc-freiburg-2016-17-bundesliga-sticker sc-freiburg-trikots-2016-17-bundesliga-sticker thomas-muller-bayern-2016-17-bundesliga-sticker

Advent Calendar Day 2: The Handsome Turk/The Unsolveable Problem

Finding motivation to write isn’t always easy, tonight unfortunately it’s not a problem. I say unfortunately because my need to write doesn’t come from a good place. It’s not a sudden flash of inspiration or an attempt to work out my feelings and thoughts in a constructive way. I’m writing simply because I don’t know what else to do. There is nothing I can do about this particular issue in real life. I have someone to talk to about it but I’m sick of talking when that’s all I can do. There’s no need to discuss the matter any more. I could certainly do with a protector right now, so in that sense it’s fitting that behind door number two in the Freiburg calendar was Turkish defender Çağlar Söyüncü. He’s quickly become a firm favourite with fans and with me too. I don’t usually take to new people well,  it can take a while to adjust to their presence and that goes for new players and people in real life too. But there is something about him and it’s not just his dashing good looks as the title would suggest. I just called him that before I learnt how to say his name properly and it just stuck. How could it not with pictures like this(courtesy of Freiburg’s twitter page):

cyrp1powqaargtxLike I said it’s not just his good looks, it’s the good impression he quickly made on the pitch. Despite the language barrier he’s become a formidable force in Freiburg’s defence and whilst that still does cause some problems there’s no doubting his commitment. He makes mistakes just like everyone else but he always gives 110% when trying to fix them. In trying to fix his defensive error against Mainz he practically ended up in the back of the net along with the ball. I like that in a person, not only taking responsibility for their own actions but immediately trying to right the wrong. It’s something which seems to be lacking in a lot of people these days. It’s always someone else’s fault, some people seem to have a real problem in admitting they are the source of their own problems. It’s so frustrating dealing with a person who can never ever be wrong and who completely loses it if someone even hints they are.

I know I have trouble accepting criticism and admitting I’m wrong, it’s something I’ve been working on for quite a while. So it makes all the more frustrating when you get accused of being rigid and uncompromising by someone who refuses to deal with their own problems. If it were just the case they found me frustrating and we didn’t get on that would be the end of it. You can’t be liked by everyone and some people just can’t get on, I can accept that. What I can’t accept is the constant criticism and what’s progressed from passive-aggressive sniping to direct insults. Direct in the sense there’s no doubt they are meant for me yet they still don’t have the guts to say them to my face, which only angers me more. If someone has a problem with another person they should deal with it, not act in such a cowardly manner. I know what they’re doing, I’ve been here before. They plan on taunting me until I snap and respond aggressively, thus making me the bad guy. This is a tactic I know well from school. Despite how they’re constantly putting me down and chipping away at me  I’m not going to react, it’s killing me not to but I’m not giving in.

Doing so would make me feel better in the short-term but would do nothing to help the long-term problem. I’ve already let it get to me more than I would like, having spent part of the afternoon ranting about it. That in a sense is giving in, letting the anger take over. But at least it was to someone else, I didn’t respond to any of the provocation at the time. I know it’s not always wise bottling up feelings in this way, except sometimes you don’t have any choice.

I never used to think of what happened earlier this afternoon as a meltdown, I only used to count the more physical occurrences. It wasn’t until I read more about the matter I realised this very much counts too. Of course it does, close to two hours of ranting whilst angrily pacing back and forth, only stopping to punch something when I got frustrated at not being able to get my words out or being interrupted in some way. Times like that it really doesn’t help when people try to talk over me or tell me what they think I mean, it just makes me angrier. But it’s over and done with now. I think not only did it need to happen but I had an inkling it was coming, that it’s been building up over the past few days, I just wasn’t consciously aware of it. I think it may have been the reason I finally made my bed this morning after not having done so for over a month. Maybe I knew I was going to need the comfort of a freshly made bed. Because afterwards I needed to sleep which is what usually happens. Not for the whole day though which would have ruined everything, just a short nap before Bayern’s game. Now after some sleep and having watched the game I feel a little calmer, my routine has been preserved and there’s no reason the rest of the weekend can’t proceed as planned.  Of course what I didn’t foresee was the troublesome person in question once more trying to bait me into reacting. I’m pleased to say I didn’t fall for it, I felt angry and hit myself as a result but that’s all. I’m counting it as a success because it was just one moment, after all I’m writing this instead of ranting furiously about in real life. My head is quiet and I want to keep it that way.

The situation isn’t going away and I don’t have a plan as to how to deal with it yet. I need to find a way to not only resist the temptation to retaliate but also to control my own feelings. Because all that happens when I get angry is I blame myself and get even angrier. If there’s one thing know for certain it’s that I don’t need any help on that front, I can find plenty of things to reproach myself about without any help from someone else. All I know for certain is going on the attack is not an option, more aggression won’t solve anything. With that in mind I have to mention the final and second reason this post was even written at all. The question of who was lurking behind door number two in the Dortmund calendar. A player who no doubt would be the bane of Söyüncü’s existence were they to ever face off, the quick footed Ousmane Dembele who recently scored his first ever goal for Dortmund in the crazy 8-4 win over Legia Warsaw in the Champions League. Just as it’s fitting Söyüncü was today’s Freiburg player so maybe the sane is true of Dembele. Sometimes with players like him they can’t be caught and with their never ending trickiness and pace their opponents understandably get frustrated which leads to them reacting out of anger, and taking them out in a way the rules do not permit. There is always going to be a player who’s faster than you or who you can’t quite catch. How you respond to the situation is up to you. I suppose that’s enough musing for one night, to finish Dembele’s wrapper:

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