Despite getting out of bed whilst it was actually still morning today didn’t go as I wanted it to. Even though I was out of bed and doing what I was supposed to be doing it didn’t feel right, half the time I felt like I was still asleep and the rest of the time I was wishing I were. It was only late in the evening that I actually felt awake, something which doesn’t bode well for my efforts at straightening out my sleeping patterns. I’m doing everything I can to resist a nocturnal schedule but evidently the rest of me does not agree. Come night time that old familiar feeling returns, a feeling of invincibility almost. Like I can do anything and I have a million and one ideas. Which of course I don’t actually do anything about, that’s all anything is these days, ideas and thoughts. Hardly anything is real anymore, most things don’t get beyond my head. I plot stories, come up with ideas for posts and projects. Yet I don’t do any of it. When it comes to writing stuff down the words aren’t there anymore. And when they are it’s not right, the stories are more complete when they’re in my head. Like something gets lost when I try to put them down on paper.
Things aren’t happening as they’re meant to and these posts are no exception. I thought I might use them to get back on track. And of course I had plenty of ideas, like digging some stuff out from my archives and making videos for the players whose cards and stickers I got on that day. Something which never materialized, not because I forgot about the idea. It was just the thought of all that work, what is usually fun felt like a chore. Almost everything feels that way these days. Forget about actually getting anything done by the time you’re out of bed, showered and dressed it feels like that’s half of your energy gone already. Yesterday was a lot of fun, maybe too much fun.
Not a lot happened today, other than what seems to be the now mandatory Playstation marathon (the game of choice being Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood this time) the main event today was the Champions League draw. Bayern have got what on paper is a not so difficult draw, having been drawn with Turkish team Besiktas. I find it funny myself, because Besiktas are from RB Leipzig’s group. The best of the bunch though is obviously Real Madrid v PSG. I don’t care about the Ronaldo v Neymar competition though. What I care about is German being pitted against German, well Germans since PSG have two in the form of Julian Draxler and Kevin Trapp. And of course Real Madrid have Toni Kroos. I can’t really root for either, I don’t like PSG because of where their money comes from yet I can’t root for Real Madrid because I can’t stand Ronaldo. As for picking who I like better, I don’t know if I can do that. My first instinct is to say Julian, though I think that might be Matze’s fault. Either way it’ll be brilliant to watch, I just hope that Julian actually gets to play. On the subject of Germans being pitted against one another the draw of Chelsea and Barcelona does just that. This time it’s Antonio Rüdiger against Marc-Andre ter Stegen. And this is the point where I say I’m staying neutral. Between those two I really can’t pick.
Despite the excitement of the Champions League draw the highlight of today was a new video for my collection, not Jogi of course (I’ve never gotten one of him from a 2.Bundesliga game – besides they’re in Abu Dhabi for the Club World Cup) but Stefan instead.
Stefan Kuntz at Fortuna Düsseldorf v 1.FCN 2017/18
Posted in Autism, Die Mannschaft, Fußball, Germany, Writing
Tagged Antonio Rudiger, Autism/Asperger's Syndrome, Bayern Munich, Champions League, Julian Draxler, Marc-Andre Ter Stegen, PSG, Sleeping patterns, Stefan Kuntz, Toni Kroos, Writing
Of all the things I expected to happen today that wasn’t one of them. I know it doesn’t sound good when you go into a game like this unsure if your team can win or not, but I didn’t want to curse anything by thinking about winning at all. I honestly thought they would draw and well they almost did. Were it not for Nils Petersen’s last minute penalty it would have been a 3-3 draw, and quite a spectacular one too. Freiburg came back to win 4-3 and that’s great, but it doesn’t mean they won’t be relegated. Those three goals they conceded are exactly why relegation is still a very real threat. That was their way of playing in the 2.Bundesliga in 2015/16, don’t worry if you concede two, we’ll just go and score three more. They’ve always been partial to a very open style of play, which isn’t to say they can’t be disciplined defensively. Their 0-0 draw against Dortmund earlier in the season proves that, a result all the more impressive for the fact they played the majority of the game with ten men. That open kind of play worked when they had players like Maximilian Philipp and Vincenzo Grifo around. But they left in the summer for Dortmund and Gladbach, taking some of the magic. their goals and more importantly their assists with them.
I don’t even know what today’s game was, it was crazy that’s for sure. And it’s proof that whatever they do Köln are doomed, they threw away a three goal lead, you can’t draw any other conclusion. Then again this game didn’t doom them, that was already done several match-days ago. There remains only one question, can they really go a whole Bundesliga season without winning a single game? Today’s game brought back a lot of memories, like the equally crazy (but much better to watch) snow game against Leipzig in the 2015/16 season. And of course their first game of that season against 1.FC Nürnberg. which was Nil’s first league game as a proper Freiburg player. A game in which he scored a hat-trick and just like today two of them were penalties. In fact Nils scored a hat-trick in his first ever game for Freiburg as well, against Eintracht Frankfurt.
1.FC Köln v SC Freiburg 2017/18 Highlights
Speaking of memories there was a very familiar face at today’s game, though not a very happy one obviously:
Lukas Podolski at 1.FC Köln v SC Freiburg 2017/18
As happy as I am they won I don’t feel like I can celebrate, not only because they’re still in danger of relegation but the game seems to be reflective of how their season is going and life in general. They can’t go on conceding goals at the rate they have, not even if they start scoring some themselves. On the subject of unexpected events the confirmation of the sacking of Peter Bosz wasn’t one of them. The announcement of his replacement the very same day however was, not just the fact they did so quickly but who it was. They’ve switched one Peter for another, Dortmund’s temporary coach until the end of the season being none other than former Köln coach Peter Stöger. I don’t think anyone saw that coming.
I still can’t find a word other than crazy to describe today’s game but I know one thing, I really needed today. It was exciting, infuriating and intense. But most of all it was fun and for those two hours the game was on things felt like they used to do, like when I first started watching them. They were struggling then and they’re struggling now, so it’s not that they’ve changed, it’s me. But I don’t want to reflect on that now or anything else serious or real life related, today was fun and that’s enough. For once I just want something to be simple. Today’s game was anything but simple but the joy I derived from it was exactly that. No obsessing over what I’m doing and why, no wondering if maybe I’m not too obsessed and shouldn’t I be spending time with other people instead of stuck in my room alone. Today none of that mattered. Today there was the game and nothing else.
Posted in Bundesliga, Die Mannschaft, Fußball, Germany, Nils Petersen
Tagged 1. FC Köln, Alexander Schwolow, Autism/Asperger's Syndrome, Joshua Kimmich, Lukas Podolski, Nils Petersen, Obsessions/special interests, SC Freiburg, Thomas Müller, Toni Kroos
With the way I’ve been feeling lately I’ve not really seen the point in doing anything and that includes writing, though I doubt myself when it comes to writing a lot anyway. I don’t find it easy to let other people read what I’ve written, especially when it’s fiction. Every once in a while I think what’s the point in writing anything when most of it is destined to go unread by anyone but me. Today I was provided with a very good reason as to why it’s important to keep writing a certain kind of story, that is the autism themed ones. Earlier I got sent a link to a post about a very offensive book about autism. A book which I’m not going to name, though I don’t really need to, the details will unfortunately make it clear. For there aren’t many books written by such a despicable human being who somehow manages to combine self centerdness, child abuse, hatred of disabled people and eugenics. The worst thing of all is the book isn’t fiction.
Before I read the link I thought “great another autism book written by one of those parents” but didn’t really expect it to be any worse than the many terrible articles and books I’ve read in the past. I was wrong, very wrong. I’ve read several articles and tweets about the book, enough to know that I’m not going to be able to read it without physically destroying the book in the process. I wish I could say I’m surprised, but not that much. It’s all too depressingly familiar. You live in a world where a parent of an autistic child murders that child and they are somehow the one who gets all the sympathy – then you can’t be surprised about stuff like this. Even so being sad their child is autistic is one thing, openly mocking them and writing a book in which you call them names and share their personal information, that is so far beyond the line it defies description. To think a few days ago I was ranting about the tv show The A Word and how terrible his parents are. In doing so I said “I’m so glad Joe is fictional because the thought of a kid having parents like that in real life is unbearable.”
Well, now it’s the other way around. I wish this boy were fictional. I wish as his evil mother thinks that autistic people like him and me didn’t have feelings and thoughts, that we didn’t understand that people like her hate us. What’s most disturbing about the book (I know, try and pick) is the review from a newspaper praising it for it’s “refreshing honesty.” You mean you’re glad this parent wrote this book saying how disabled people like her son are a burden, that they shouldn’t reproduce, openly making fun of them and terrorizing them? Are they glad because they think that way too but the constraints of civilized society prevent them from openly expressing their views? And now that a parent of a disabled child has said it they feel like it’s validated their views somehow? I’m so disappointed that Jon Stewart had anything good to say about this book, more disappointed than I can even put into words.
Anyway, the point I was going to make before getting lost in my rant is that without even actually reading it that book reminded me of why it’s important for people who actually understand autism to write about it. My stories are always realistic in that sense and sometimes that means they are a little depressing, but I write about the good and bad sides of autism. I don’t shy away from writing about difficult stuff and I don’t oversell the positives. My own situation has provided me with a perfect viewpoint as to how autism can mean very different things for different people. But when “those parents” rant at you about how you don’t understand autism because you’re high functioning they fail to realise that. Somehow their “normal” brain doesn’t register the fact that an autistic person like myself is highly likely to have at least one autistic sibling. Point that out and they’ll probably foolishly assume they’re “high-functioning” like you. Same as they foolishly assume that being able to type makes you capable of everything you need to do in order to function in the real world. With all their stupidity and rigid views maybe they have something wrong with them.
All that ranting and I haven’t even mentioned football once, that doesn’t happen often. It’s not like nothing has happened on that front today either, two coaches sacked in one day. Well only of them of them officially, Dortmund haven’t officially confirmed it yet but that’ll no doubt happen in the morning. It’s no surprise and I don’t mean because of the terrible streak Dortmund have been on lately. I’m not enjoying someone else’s downfall, just enjoying being right and winning my bet. They should have kept Thomas Tuchel. Ironic thing is in winning today Bremen helped me win my bet. All the same I would have preferred they not win, it’s put even more pressure on Freiburg tomorrow morning to beat Cologne. Thanks to Bremen winning Freiburg drop back down into 17th place. With only two match-days left it’s looking like it’s going to be another Christmas spent in the relegation zone.
Posted in Autism, Books, Die Mannschaft, Fußball, Germany, Writing
Tagged Autism/Asperger's Syndrome, Autism/Aspergers in books, Benedikt Höwedes, Julian Draxler, Mesut Özil, Writing
I should be relieved that the worst didn’t happen, yet I’m only partly relieved. Mostly I’m still angry, angry that some people seem to continually get away with not taking responsibility for themselves and their actions. They think it’s fine just because the worst didn’t happen, that because it turned out to be something of a misunderstanding and disaster was averted it means they don’t need to take responsibility for their mistakes. The fact the more serious consequences of their careless mistake was avoided doesn’t make it ok, not by a long shot. But it’s impossible to make them see that. I guess on this one I’ll just have to take the advice I got, time and time again I’ve been told “you can’t always change what other people do or think, all you can do is decide how you’re going to react to it.”
Actually in a way it’s worse that what I was worried about didn’t actually happen. Because they screwed up and put me through all this for nothing, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. I know I need to let go of this but it’s not easy. I’ve got plenty of my own stuff to stress out about, I don’t need idiots like that adding to the list. It’s ironic that’s for sure, today was destined to be the worst day of the week yet it’s actually the day in which I’ve gotten the most done. Not only that but I somehow managed to be up, showered, dressed and to have eaten breakfast all before lunchtime. And right now I’m writing something which isn’t depressing. Even so it’s not an all’s well that ends well sort of thing. It’s yet another reminder that you can’t trust anyone but yourself, and sometimes I don’t even feel like I can do that. I’m supposed to be thinking of a few things that I can work on to make my life better, they don’t have to be big things, just something that could potentially make my life more bearable. I still don’t have anything for my list, nothing that’s realistic anyway. There are no big strong centre backs like Antonio Rüdiger to protect you, no Hansi either to help keep you out of trouble. I have something for my list but it’s not realistic, at least I don’t see a way it can be achieved. I’d like for life to not lurch from one crisis to the next, for things to just be settled and quiet but that never seems to happen, something always has to go wrong. I don’t have any solutions except to run away and hide, whether that be in a story of my own creation, books or yet another TV show, in this case Grimm on Netflix seeing as how I’ve watched almost everything else in my own collection. In the show the main character Nick can see monsters whereas other people just see regular human beings, that would be great, if you could really see people for who they are. That way you’d never get taken in, lied to or taken advantage of ever again.
I don’t want to write about anything bad on a Jogi day, which leaves me wondering what I am going to write about. It’s not that anything bad has happened today, more that nothing has really happened at all. It’s not really possible for anything bad or good to happen when you’re asleep. Besides today isn’t the day I need to worry about anyway, that’s tomorrow. Jogi day is not the only reason I shouldn’t write a word about that. Whatever I do or don’t write it’s not going to change what happens, there isn’t anything to do but wait. Obsessing over it isn’t going to help. One thing I can’t help but obsess over is related to the title. Behind door number seven was one sticker; Mario Gomez (not happy about him being in there but that’s another story) and two cards. All normal so far, until I look at the cards. In this order I find Joshua Kimmich, Joachim Löw and Joachim Löw – two of the exact same card. Now I can’t believe I’m objecting to this but I hope they really didn’t screw up here, as happy as I am having an extra Jogi card all I can think about whether or not one is missing now. And of course I have to wait until the 24th to find out just who if anyone is missing, it’s not very Germanic of them that’s for sure. I won’t be losing any sleep over it, but only because I don’t expect to get any tonight anyway. Right now I’m watching Epic, which is ironic given that one of the main themes is balance. I’m watching it because I love Christoph Waltz as Mandrake, it’s something safe and familiar, something I know the words to. Mandrake is sick of balance and of the green, the good guys. I know the feeling, it would be easier to just let the dark side take over. But I can’t write about that now, no bad or depressing stuff on a Jogi day.
At least I didn’t miss seeing Hansi tonight, though it would have been better if he had looked a little happier. But then today wasn’t a very happy day for him and Hoffenheim, for tonight marked the end of their European campaign and they couldn’t even go out in style and win their last game.
Hansi Flick at Hofffenheim v Ludogorets 2017/18
Posted in Autism, Films, Fußball, Germany, Hansi Flick, Jogi Löw
Tagged Autism/Asperger's Syndrome, Christoph Waltz, Epic, Europa League, Hans-Dieter Flick, Joachim "Jogi" Löw, TSG 1899 Hoffenheim
Today as the title implies was something of a bumper day as far as cards go, getting four cards and one sticker, I suppose that’s due to the fact that today in Germany is Nikolaustag. I like getting four cards because four always makes me think of the fourth star, Germany’s fourth world cup win in 2014. I don’t want to curse anything but add in the sticker and you have five. Plus the sticker was none other than Mario Götze, surely that has to be a good sign. Apart from the cards it hasn’t been a day of celebration or gifts for me that’s for sure. Today I paid the price for yesterday, being unable to sleep at night because I slept in the day, thus missing something important I wanted to do in the morning. The day is not destined to be a good one when you wake up angry. So I can’t really say I’ve done anything constructive today, instead allowing myself to waste the afternoon playing Borderlands. I did at least kill the stupid robot that made me so angry on Monday.
Football wise things weren’t much better but then I don’t really care about that, it made no difference at all to me whether or not Dortmund added to their pathetic two point tally. As it turns out they ended up losing 3-2 to Real Madrid, which isn’t that big of a surprise. I am so glad that Matze left when he did, it means he has no part in the mess of a season that Dortmund are having so far. Tomorrow won’t be much better in that regard, whatever the result tomorrow Hoffenheim are out of the Europa League. Not that I care about them of course, no self respecting Freiburg fan would. I’m just disappointed for Hansi.
Today is one of those days where I have nothing to write about, which I suppose is a good thing in the sense that I have nothing to complain about. Well nothing except for the fact Friday is getting ever closer. And of course I can’t sleep again. Unable to sleep I’m watching Dark on Netflix and finding it very interesting. I watched the first four episodes in one go. I can’t remember the last time a TV series held my attention and that I was able to focus long enough to watch something new. That’s a good thing but it may be cancelled out by the fact the show focuses on the subject of death. Still it’s good to be thinking about something that isn’t in my own head. And because it’s in German I can at least pretend I’m doing something constructive. It doesn’t help me get any better at speaking German but then I don’t know what will. I don’t get enough practice speaking English let alone German. It does make me laugh in a painfully ironic sort of way when parents of autistic children say my experience of autism bears no resemblance to the “real autism” their children has because “you’re high-functioning and you’re verbal, and can do stuff they’ll never do.” Oh how that hurts when you take into consideration the knowledge that it’s only because I can’t live alone that I do talk to anyone in the real world. Were I capable of living alone and were actually doing so I could easily go weeks without having a proper conversation with another human being, indeed even now when I don’t live alone I can go days without doing so. So being able to talk doesn’t really count for much, not when you can’t actually use that ability anyway. I know what their next line of attack would be too. It’ll be the “but you can read and write” line. Yay, that means if I ever sum up the courage to kill myself at least I can leave a note behind to explain why. You’re right, I am “so high-functioning and lucky.”
I guess today isn’t that bad a day seeing as how I came up with a title without even trying, though that isn’t the title I originally came up with. I got Sami Khedira’s sticker today and the phrase that immediately popped into my head was “Italian night in Paris” because Khedira plays for Juventus and Bayern played PSG tonight. It’s a variation of a phrase from Inglorious Basterds, the name of the third chapter in the film. I don’t want to say it’s a good day because I don’t want to be that arrogant, not before Friday is over and done with. But as much as I liked the phrase I couldn’t misquote one of my favourite films and then I realised that actually the original correct version fit better anyway in an ironic sort of way, seeing as how Bayern were playing host to PSG. They may have been playing in Munich but it was for Bayern most definitely German night in Paris tonight. Because they only scored three goals and conceded one they didn’t win the group (but then only a real optimist could have expected them to) but they did at least retain their honor after the humiliating defeat in Paris which saw Carlo Ancoletti sacked as a result. I feel bad for Julian Draxler but rooting for his team was not an option, not tonight.
As for the rest of the day I can’t really say it went well because I don’t really remember most of it, and that includes the appointment. I have a feeling I ranted quite a lot but then that isn’t really news. I only got two hours sleep last night which was rather stupid of me and is no doubt why I felt the need to take a nap before watching Bayern’s game tonight. Not something I usually do but I’m glad I did, I felt surprisingly rested afterwards which isn’t something I’m used to. I’m sure I could find something to rant about but I don’t particularly want to. Not least because today I got a Jogi video, so I’d kind of like to leave that untainted.
Joachim Löw – Bild video 05/12/17
One subject I could rant about is the second series of that stupid TV show The A Word but I won’t do so here for two reasons. First because I think it’s going to need a post of it’s own and secondly for the aforementioned reason. All I will say is this, I am very glad that child is fictional and doesn’t have to grow up with parents and a family like that in real life. Ok I lied, two things. I read the description for next week’s episode. There’s some kind of play at the boy’s old school and it brings his family all together and they all get to see what they mean to him. I am so sick of TV shows and films using autistic characters to “bring the normal people together and make them realise what they have in life.” I’m even more sick of parents of autistic children needing to be shown “just how much we mean to him.” It’s infuriating, the constant implication that we don’t love people or don’t care about them, just because maybe we don’t show it in the way they expect. I used to be so against the idea of a community comprised entirely of autistic people, these days I’m not so sure. It kind of sounds like a good idea. Maybe then I would have listen to a bunch of normal people who know nothing about autism tell me all about it and what it means. And I just broke my promise, that’s a rant. I guess I’ll have to stop writing there before I taint Jogi’s video even more.