I haven’t yet learnt from the mistakes I made last week or really all of the month which just passed. Getting into a good sleeping pattern is proving to be quite elusive, as is getting much sleep at all at night. I can sleep fine just not when it’s dark. It’s proving difficult to break that pattern and has been a challenge ever since it started in November.
I keep telling myself that I’m fine, a little scattered and distracted but otherwise fine. I don’t know if it’s everybody else I’m trying to fool or myself. I wasn’t lying when I said I’m not sad, angry or worried about anything. I’m just tired that’s all. There’s nothing in particular that’s bothering me. Just the usual little things but that’s normal. Making mistakes in social situations is a pretty routine worry. It’s not the mistakes I’ve made which bother me so much. It’s the complete lack of interest I have in spending any real time with other people. I’ll finally have some money in my pocket at the end of the week to go to the cinema and there’s a few people I could invite. Yet I’ve asked no-one because I’m not even sure I want to go by myself, let alone with anyone else. I don’t want to have to go through the motions of making conversation and just being around someone else. Replying to e-mails has been bad enough, who would have thought that writing just a few short lines could be so much hard work. I spent more time obsessing over them and thinking about what I should write than I did working on any actual projects. Time which could have been put to better use. And it didn’t help any, it’s just my usual anxious obsessing over whether or not something is the right thing to say or not. It wasn’t constructive at all , the only thing I learnt from it was the pointlessness of doing so.
Forget about inviting anyone else the thought of going outside is enough to fill me with dread. Which is natural since I’ve been avoiding doing so, thus making it even more difficult. I went out a grand total of one time last month and I still regret doing that. I keep getting told that it’ll be good for me to get out, that the longer I leave it the more difficult it’ll get and that spending time with someone would be good for me too. They may be right on the first two counts but I don’t think they are on the third. I think the last thing I need is more confusion and something else to obsess over.
Like I said I don’t know if I’m fine or not. From my point of view I’m only not fine when I have to think about talking to someone or going outside. Question is whether that’s a problem or not. If I’m ok with it then surely it’s not, regardless of what other people think. They most likely think I’m starting to slip back into my old habits, of spending all my time indoors, avoiding other people, sleeping too much, sleeping in the day instead of at night and just avoiding the outside world in general. They’re not exactly wrong but there is one difference, I didn’t choose for this pattern to take over again. I don’t want to be asleep in the day. I’m trying to stop that but it feels like I’m fighting a losing battle. Whilst I’m not able to get everything straight on that count surely it matters that I’m not just spending my time gaming all night. I am actually doing something which can be construed as constructive. True it’s something I’m being quite obsessive about but then I don’t think it can happen any other way. The only way I can commit to something is when I’m obsessed with it. Truth is I wouldn’t mind writing something a little different, but I can’t find the space in my head to think about anything or anyone else.
In a conversation on the subject of relationships and taking the next step someone told me that if I wanted to find space for someone else I would. That if I really wanted them around I would make room for them. I guess the fact I haven’t done that answers the question. Simply put my stories are meeting my social needs right now. I can spend most of the day with my characters and that’s enough. They don’t stress me out like people do in real life. The story I’m working on right now is very much all consuming. Most of my ideas are for it and most of thoughts are centered around it. A lot of my internet time has been taken up by it too, in the form of reading about autism and language development.
I’m fine with it being so all consuming right now because eventually it will be finished. Not only that but I’m kind of glad it is because it prevents me from having to find something to do with my time. Though on the subject of it meeting my social requirements I can’t help but think about that conversation I had last month about similar matters. One of the points made was that maybe because these particular characters are so all consuming that by the time I’m done writing there’s little left in terms of energy or motivation for anyone or anything else.
I would say I’m rambling now so I’ll end this post here, but then I think all of this post is most likely rambling. Sometimes you need to do that, to write randomly about something, not knowing what or why. Maybe looking back on this a few weeks from now it’ll make some sense and maybe it won’t. Either way it helped to write it. On the subject of randomness there is one thing I have to mention. Today Germany’s opponents were announced for their last two preparation games before the Euros. They’ll be playing Slovakia and Hungary. It’s amusing to me because at the end of last week I watched the Slovakia-Germany game from 2006 and made the usual Jogi video from it. In fact it’s that video which I’m putting online for Jogi’s birthday on Wednesday. Two important days this week, Wednesday and then the really big day which is Friday. Finally Freiburg’s season will be resuming when they visit Bochum. I’m more nervous about it than looking forward to it, but I am excited the league is back. I can’t fix anything right now but I can be happy about that. At least I know there is one guaranteed good thing this week. Regardless of how well or not the rest of the week goes at least I can see them play come Friday evening.