Tag Archives: Anxiety

Unwelcome Guests

Whether it be anxiety related stuff, self-doubt or my usual obsessive thoughts I usually have an unwelcome guest of some sort in my mind. Not today however, well maybe a few obsessive thoughts but not bad ones. Nothing to really complain about. If the only things I have to complain about are the fact I have to wait a month to get my new Freiburg kit and the fact I can only afford a 12cm action figure of Jogi instead of one of the bigger ones then I must be doing ok. I haven’t magically solved all of my problems, haven’t dealt with any of them in fact because I’ve done nothing but think about the Euros for the past seven weeks. Now that’s over, unfortunately a little bit earlier than I anticipated and I’m in a strange place, somewhere halfway between being disappointed at how the summer ended and excited for the new season. I don’t know why I’m in such a good mood, well that’s the wrong way to put it, I don’t think it’s right to be in a good mood just yet. I’m not despairing over it all anyway, that’s the main thing. That and the fact Freiburg’s new kits look cool:

SC Freiburg Heimtrikot 2016-17SC Freiburg Auswärtstrikot 2016-17Also unusual is the fact I’m not obsessing over that last game, I’m not obsessively going over it trying to work out how it could have gone differently. I’m still upset about it and it still hurts but I actually think I’m dealing with ok. Today’s news certainly helped on this count.  Since Thursday night I’ve been waiting anxiously to see what Jogi was going to do, if he intended to continue in his post for the Confederations Cup next summer and the World Cup in 2018. His answer to the question put to him at the end of the interview after the France game was I have to admit most unnerving. He was asked if he was going to be on the bench for the Finland game on the 31st August, after taking an age his eventual answer was “I think so.”  Afterwards he said he’d be taking a few days to consider his position and to take in the events of the summer. I’m just glad I didn’t have to wait too long to find out, having gotten confirmation now I can get on with enjoying the pre-season.

It’s a good thing I’m not obsessing over the tournament because the ending of it was something of a disappointment, but in a way the final is in a lot of ways a fair reflection of how the tournament went. I would have been unhappy no matter who won, I know that, but Portugal winning it is just so very wrong. I mean they drew all three of their group games, beat just one team in 90 minutes of regular time and were perfectly happy it seems to just wait out the game, not actually play but just run their opponents into the ground. A disappointing final for what was overall something of a disappointing tournament. It did have it’s magic moments, Iceland’s terrific journey to the quarter finals among them but that didn’t make up for it. The final cemented my initial dislike of the newly expanded format and for me it shows everything that’s wrong with it. Portugal finished third in their group yet end up in the final, despite never looking like a team that could win the thing. Being rewarded for finishing in third place is just rewarding mediocrity. I know it gives smaller countries a chance to qualify when they otherwise wouldn’t, that’s fair in one way. But what’s fair is not necessarily what’s best for having a good competition. After all isn’t the tournament meant to be between the best teams in Europe?

I didn’t mean to write so much on the matter, I may not be obsessing about the semi-final but evidently I can’t say the same for the final. At least it’s not preventing me from enjoying anything else. There’s no shortage of other matters I should be thinking about, like getting back into a good routine and maybe spending some more time outside. I figured I couldn’t keep putting it off forever and so I did just that today. Since the tournament started I haven’t spent a considerable amount of time with anyone or gone anywhere. Today’s events put an end to that, it was just a trip to the cinema to see Tarzan but it’s a start. It went about as ok as it could go, consdering I haven’t stepped outside in almost two months. Wisely I didn’t go alone, it might not have ended so well had I done so.

Getting used to not having done something after avoiding it for a while isn’t easy, a bit like writing this post in fact. I’ve written just two posts since the summer started, the rest has all been pictures and videos. That’s all done now and it’s back to normality. I don’t really have any plans yet, other than getting back into the habit of writing regular posts again, hopefully ones that are a little less rambling than this. The only other thing on my list is to get some reading done. I’ve got a lot of books to catch up on and given that I feel more focused than I have done in a long time it’s a good time to get reading again. I also have plenty of stories to work on, which may be part of the reason I’ve not gotten quite so upset about getting knocked out in the semi finals. They’ve given me a safe place to express my feelings and make sense of what’s bothering me, they can’t help with everything but even if that’s all they can do then it’s enough. Not that I have any inerest in justifying how I spend my time to anyone right now. The past few weeks I’ve been too wrapped up in the tournament to care and now I just don’t care at all. I’m doing what I need, not what someone else thinks I should be doing.


Real life is tricky, it’s probably why I don’t engage with it that often. Well that and how completely overwhelming and unpredictable it often is. I’m almost two years into my current obsession and I have all my alternate universes all worked out by now, the main one and all of it’s variants. I remember a comment from  a person whom I no longer see quite so much these days. Essentially their point was that they find my alternate universes curious but not in a bad way. That’s fine, at least they didn’t call me crazy. But then they went on to say that they kind of envied me from being so detached from reality. From not having to worry about all the regular stuff like money, bills, work and kids and whatever else people worry about. I can’t lie, that really hurt. It hurt because first off I’m not quite so detached from reality that I don’t worry about stuff too. It’s because I worry about stuff that I retreat into those worlds. Nor is it the case that just because I don’t live by myself I don’t have anything to worry about. It’s true that I’m freer in a financial sense but I still worry. I worry endlessly about the amount of stuff other people do for me and about being a financial burden on those people.

Secondly I kind of envy them. Not just for being able to live by themselves and because they have a job but because of how carefree they are. Maybe that’s not the right word but I’m not sure what the word is. What I’m trying to say is they don’t need everything planned out like I do. For example when they went to mainland Europe a few summers ago they ended up in Austria. It wasn’t part of their trip, they just ended up there. I envy that, being so flexible as be able to deal with that sort of thing. I can’t even begin to think of taking the trip to begin with. We certainly could never have taken a trip together. Me with my need for military style precision planning and them liking to just go with the flow. How were we ever friends again?

I think the evening I spent with them perfectly illustrates why it just wouldn’t work. It was a completely overwhelming experience. When I have a movie night planned it’s very organized. Not like it used to be, it’s not quite as rigidly planned as before. Now instead of everything fixed in place beforehand there are a fixed number of choices instead. So I know what could happen, I know all the possible options, they never change. That’s not how they do movie night, it’s more of a make it up as you go along sort of thing. I thought it wouldn’t be so bad, they were my friend and I trusted them. It should be fine, right? It just shows how naive I am. Of course it wasn’t fine. What was I thinking, that I could just leave that part of autism at home for the day. It’s not a question of just being able to trust someone. If that were true I wouldn’t get anxious about people showing up on time. Because I trust them to show up, yet I’m still anxious.

I’m not even meant to be thinking about anything like this right now and I wasn’t until I read something online. The internet is truly both a godsend and a curse. I was doing just fine until I read that, a little overexcited perhaps because of tonight’s game but then who isn’t? I think for once I can say I’m normal on this count. Being overexcited at what they’re dubbing “El Kloppico” is completely normal. Last night was thrilling enough, seeing Wolfsburg defy the odds and beat Real Madrid 2-0. There was some luck involved with that penalty but they can take all the credit for the second goal and for keeping it 2-0. I don’t particularly like Wolfsburg and I felt like I should be rooting for Real Madrid since they have Toni Kroos but I find it impossible to root for a team that has Ronaldo in it.

The only thing to distract me from the excitement about tonight’s game is related to a show which I promised I wouldn’t watch the rest of and I’m keeping that promise. My mother made me promise not to watch it because I got too angry about it. I’m sticking to my word but she didn’t say I couldn’t read about it online. As it turns out I shouldn’t have done that either. It’s what I read which has me obsessing over all this now. Parents like the show because it focuses on the positives and shows that their kids could potentially be an asset in the workplace. All good, nothing wrong with that. So why am I bothered? Because I started thinking about what I’m good at, what makes me useful. What can I say, it’s a short list. Even if a person does have good points or positives, what happens when the difficulties or negatives outweigh the positives? When a person is too anxious and afraid to make use of any skills they have?

But then as always I’m getting ahead of myself, thinking about what I could potentially do for a living when right now just leaving the house is a difficult task. I can’t even reliably do that. All of this just seems so impossible. What am I so afraid of? Just about everything. On the matter of being afraid I certainly have a challenge in this regard a few weeks from now. Captain America: Civil War is released at the end of the month and I have a very special ticket indeed. I don’t only have a ticket for the film but for a triple-bill, a special showing of all three Captain America films. The snag to this is the time, there are no trains that time of the night. I have to spend the night in the city, sleeping over in a hotel. Not alone of course, I’ve found someone to take me. They’re doing so willingly, I guess the offer of free Captain America tickets was enough to offset the inconvenience of having to chaperone me somewhere. It’s potentially one of the best things I’ll ever get to experience, three films with Bucky in back to back. Almost seven hours of Sebastian Stan, well not quite since he’s not the main character but still a lot of him. Yet at the same time it could be the worst. I don’t do well sleeping in strange places, there’s a good chance I won’t get any sleep at all. Just to make it worse Freiburg are playing the day after, so staying up all night is not the best idea. I’m excited about the films but I can’t believe I agreed to this, I guess I’ll only find out how much of a bad idea it is on the day.

On the Edge of Nothing

On the edge of what? Greatness, doing something stupid or as the title says absolutely nothing at all. I would say the latter is true but then I’m not actually on the edge of nothing, rather I’m right in the middle of it. But it’s not a bad thing. It’s the first time in the past seven days I’m not on edge about something. I wouldn’t say I feel relaxed but at least I’m not freaking out about anything. The past seven days I’ve only written one post, the rest has been pictures and videos which isn’t actually unusual for an international week. But it wasn’t a lack of time which resulted in such a thing. It was more I didn’t want to write anything for fear I would end up writing about what I’ve been trying not to think about. Not only that but I haven’t found the daily prompts particularly helpful these past few days. Price, nerve, help and then fearless. With that last one especially it started to feel like the prompt was mocking me. So I refrained from writing anything, at least online anyway. As well as not writing anything it’s as if the past few days I haven’t allowed myself to feel anything either. I didn’t want to deal with the fact that I was worried about Saturday night or maybe I just didn’t know how to deal with it. Either way I just ignored it, not pretending that everything fine exactly, just pretending that it’s not there. That delusion lasted only as far as the pre-match show because they showed match footage from the game in France. I wish they would stop doing that, I don’t need to keep hearing those explosions over and over again. I get that they have to talk about it but why do they need to keep showing the footage? It’s the first (and hopefully the last) time I’ll watch a German pre-match show with headphones in so I didn’t have to hear anymore of it.

Naturally Tuesday’s events made me worry all the more, not even the reassurance from the security services and the heavy police presence was of any help. They said there was no specific threat but then they said that last time. The only time I could and did stop worrying was once the whole thing ended. They lost which sucks, but it’s not my main concern. That’s not something I say often but I really mean it. For once having lost is not the biggest concern. I’m just glad that nothing bad happened. And so this isn’t all negative I’m glad I got to witness this moment, it’s strange a favourite Jogi GIF and Hansi has nothing to do with it:

Jogi_hugging_Jonathan_Tah_Deutschland_EnglandI’m not sure I handled the past week especially well, burying any feelings of concern I had most likely wasn’t the best way to proceed. Maybe if I hadn’t reacted that way I wouldn’t have gotten so angry Saturday night or upset and angry again last night. But I’m not dwelling too much on it, maybe it was necessary. After all if I hadn’t gotten the anger out then my head wouldn’t be feeling so empty now. I’m just glad I’m writing this now, after I’ve calmed down and not a few hours earlier. I was still feeling sorry for myself then, obsessing over the stupid things I think about after I’ve gotten angry. Thoughts of death can be scary, especially when they get so specific so quickly and they sound entirely plausible. In one way it’s a good lesson about not acting on impulses and thinking things through, at the same time it makes the matter more confusing. Because how am I meant to know which of my feelings I can trust? I feel like I’ve written these exact same words before. Even if I haven’t I at least know I’ve written about the matter before. Which would suggest I’ve learnt nothing from previous experiences, each time it’s like I need to remind myself of how to deal with this. In a perfect world it wouldn’t happen again but I know I’d be dreaming to think like that.

It’s almost five in the morning now and getting back to sleep is probably not going to happen. Rather than waste any time trying I’m going to do what was so helpful earlier, lie here and listen to the rain outside whilst reading the book I just started. It’s called Football Dynamo and as the title suggests it’s about Russian football. I just finished reading a book about a writer traveling through Russia which I found fascinating and wanted to read something else Russian related. Unfortunately all the rest of my Russia related books are about Communism or Stalingrad, not exactly light reading for a lazy morning in bed. So Russian football it is then.

Snow King Florian & the Otherwise Quiet Week

Florian Niederlechner’s goal is still the highlight of the week, there’s little that can beat it. This week has been strange and not just because of Monday night’s snow filled adventures. Despite not getting a good night’s sleep and not really having a routine to speak of I’m actually quite relaxed. Which would be odd enough anyway. My first instinct was to pick it apart and work out why. I resisted such temptations, thinking that I should just enjoy it whilst it lasts. I can’t help but think of what Sam said in CA:TWS, about how everyone has their issues and problems but you have to decide how much of it you’re going to carry around with you. Whether you’re going to need a little man purse or a holdall. Normally I’d say I need the latter but not right now. Sleeping problems aside everything else is ok, for once I have some sense of balance. That is I’m not spending all my time focusing one thing to the exclusion of everything else. In the past few days I’ve found time for football, watching a film, reading and playing Lego Marvel Superheroes. The game in particular has proved to be a great source of fun. It’s been a long time since I’ve played a Lego game and I’d forgotten how relaxing they can be. Sure they have their frustrating moments as well but there’s little as fun as smashing stuff up and collecting the proceeds. Equally pleasant is the ever familiar sound of Lego bricks being put together and the sound effects when you collect a mini kit. Some things never get old and Lego games are one of those things. With all the collectibles to get it should tide me over until I can afford to buy the Deadpool game.

I have to admit it’s strange not to be freaking out over anything. Not that I’m complaining, I just can’t help note how odd it all feels. I’m not even beating myself up for having not written a great deal. I figure a few days without having done much is no big deal. The only thing on my mind has been the decision over what to name my YouTube channel, I’ve been trying to come up with a new name since just after Christmas but nothing fit. Until now that is, it’s not something I came up with by myself, not entirely anyway. On the highlights the commentator called Florian a snow king. I found it amusing and evidently liked the nickname because a few minutes later without even trying I came up with the the new name, “SnowKing Schwolow.” With the save he made in the 93rd minute he deserves such a title too. It’s funny, now both my YouTube channels are in someway named after him and both names are Freiburg related.

As great as all this is it’s not a solution and not just because being unable to sleep at night makes everything difficult, like seeing Freiburg’s game on Sunday for one thing. I haven’t quite figured that part out yet. The reason this isn’t something which can continue too long is because the only reason things  are quiet is because I’m not dealing with anything. I haven’t talked to anyone or conducted any kind of interaction which wasn’t absolutely necessary. It feels great not having to talk to anyone, knowing that there’s no possible mistakes to obsess over. But I can’t hide away forever, I know that. It just makes it clear how impossible all this is. Stay inside and have little to do with the real world and I can for the most part avoid getting stressed out. Don’t do that and I can’t. But then of course you’re not dealing with anything or taking care of yourself. I don’t know how to resolve that or if it’s even resolvable. In order to have any kind life in the real world and be responsible for myself does that mean having to accept that I’m going to be anxious and on edge a lot of the time? Which option is worse I wonder. Dealing with that or not having any kind life and being free of it all. I wonder if such things are part of the reason for the rift that’s developed with one of my friends. If it’s because they’re growing up and it seems like I’m not. Whatever the reasons I’m not upset about it, I’m relieved. It was starting to feel like just another obligation. It may have not been the best way for it to happen but I’m glad I was able to be honest about my feelings for once, or to be more precise a lack of them in this case. It’s nice knowing I no longer have to lie or hide anything, that I don’t have to pretend not to be interested in things that some people consider childish. Forget about hiding them I have a new sticker album on the way. It’s the Serbian one for the European Championships and is superior to the Panini version for one simple reason, there’s a sticker of Jogi Löw. There’s another cool thing about it too, there are packets with different designs and Manuel Neuer is one of them which is the coolest thing ever.

Catching Up

It feels like I’m always playing catch-up at the moment in regards to pretty much everything. In the main I feel like I’m always catching up on sleep. But you can’t do that forever. If you keep saying I’ll catch up next week eventually there won’t be a next week. The longer you let it go on for the bigger the pile of things to catch up on gets. I know that and yet I still can’t snap out of it. All my projects start out well and they all end the same way. That is they don’t really end at all, I just fall behind and never catch up. I slowly stop working on them and never get back to it.

I don’t want that to happen here, I want to finish this one at least. Even if it’s late, I still want to complete it. This month would be perfect to knuckle down and start working through the backlog. It is after all an international month, Germany have two friendlies at the end of the month. It would be great to get at least halfway through the backlog by then. If I made sure there were no distractions surely I could at least do that. On the subject of distractions avoiding any more friendship related drama is necessary on this count. It would be a good thing anyway but becomes more important in this context.

It’s not just sleep I’m catching up on, in a way it’s time itself. Only now are the events of last week becoming clear to me. Though I have to admit I had some help. Rather than me endlessly obsessing over it I talked it through with someone, a person whom in comparison to me is a responsible adult. Evidently they are someone who has a better understanding of people and relationships than I do. It’s a conversation which was a post-match analysis of sorts. Looking at what happened, what could have gone better and how I could have acted differently to bring that about. Not only that but they took the time to explain why it went the way it did. To explain it’s not what I said but how I said it. To get to the point I was too blunt about it and perhaps a little insensitive. There’s nothing wrong with sharing your feelings, especially when you’ve been asked to but you still have to consider how what you’re saying could affect someone else.

I won’t lie, it still doesn’t really make much sense to me but at least I know I was wrong and why. It’s far better and more constructive than me obsessing over it by myself. I guess accepting help from other people isn’t always a bad thing. I’m no less confused about everything else but at least that’s not bothering me. One of the reasons I’m feeling a little out of sorts this week is because it’s “die englische Woche” as the Germans call it, meaning there’s midweek games. In fact this week there’s football on every night of the week if you count the regional league game that was on Monday night. This afternoon is a homecoming of sorts for Freiburg goalkeeper Alexander Schwolow because they’re visiting newly promoted Arminia Bielefeld which is the team he spent last season on loan at, helping them win promotion to the second tier and getting to the quarter finals of the DFB Pokal. Funnily enough one of the teams they knocked out was Gladbach, funny because at the time the team contained former Freiburg striker Max Kruse.

Freiburg are back to winning ways, after getting off to a bad start losing their firsts two, they went on to win the following two games. Still Bielefeld might prove to be a tough challenge, they certainly did when they visited the Schwarzwald Stadion. The final score was 2-2 and only because of a last minute goal by Lucas Hufnagel. Bielefeld may be small and are hovering just above the relegation battle but they are not to be taken for granted.

Whilst I’m not obsessing over what happened last week there is one thought troubling me. I mean one other than what game to watch tonight, I’m having trouble picking between Bayern v Mainz and Darmstadt v Dortmund. Besides that I’m wondering what the point is in having friends at all. That’s probably not the right way to put it. I think it’s better to say I’m thinking that not having friends can make for a lonely experience but having them can cause as many problems as it solves. Maybe I’m just not cut out for it. This friendship is going the exact same way as the one that came before it. It took a step too close to becoming something more and I couldn’t deal with that. After the previous friendship ended I spent close to a year not really spending time with anyone. Maybe that’s what I need, some time alone. Maybe I’m just burnt out and need some recharging time. I’ve wondered sometimes how all of this would work if I ever got to live by myself. I doubt then I would have any energy or resources left over for something as far down the list as social time. It’s something that may have to be sacrificed anyway.

Cool Like Kroos/Step One

This Friday is already going better than last week did, out of bed and dressed before midday. It seems the Europa league L16 draw was sufficient motivation to get out of bed. It’s a good thing too, I can’t get up late tomorrow because Freiburg are playing. I know I said I was going to take a  live and let live approach as regards to my sleeping patterns but if the pieces come together themselves that’s not a bad thing either. Maybe that’s what I need to do, to stop overthinking it and just let it happen. Today is so far going fine which is just as well seeing as how yesterday was something of a nightmare. I certainly needed to keep in mind that dream about Toni Kroos, keeping cool was the order of the day. Though I didn’t entirely succeed on this count. Still the rant wasn’t so bad, at least I wasn’t ranting about the person I was talking to. I managed to keep all of what I was thinking to myself. The rant in question was about how I’m sick of hearing the words “high-functioning autism” and how annoyed I am by it’s constant repetition online. It’s a phrase which has little real meaning and is not a diagnostic term yet it’s one which continues to get used, and it drives me nuts. Partly because people seem to think it equates to “mild autism” or to just being a little socially off, quirky and obsessive. But that’s a rant for another time, I’m not getting angry now. Not about that and not about anything else.

I knew the day wasn’t going to go well when they didn’t show up in the place we agreed to meet. Part of wishes I’d just gotten on the next train home and forgotten about the whole thing, I was tempted to do that. But I didn’t, as regards the film I’m glad I didn’t. As for the rest of the day, I wish I took the train home. It happened exactly the same as last time, I got in my head that they weren’t there and adjusted my plans accordingly. Then of course they showed up at the cinema and I had to adjust again. I know what the problem is here, I know I have issues with being flexible and being too rigid in my expectations. That’s not the issue, the problem is I wanted them not to be there. I wanted to see the film by myself and just generally be left alone. The first time I wanted them not to be there because I was mad at them. This time I’m not mad at them for being unreliable, I just didn’t want to see them.

I didn’t have to worry so much with talking too much, instead I had the opposite problem, that of finding any words at all. Except for the rant which wasn’t planned at all I had no idea what to talk about. I think the friendship is finally coming to and end. I have a hunch they might feel the same way. At least I hope they do, it’ll make what comes next easier. They themselves summed up the problem, I don’t know if it was deliberate on their part. If their words were meant to tell me something, whether it was deliberate or not I got the message. They talked about someone new they’ve met and whom they like. The gist of their point was that conversation with the person in question is easy and flows naturally, it just builds itself. Not like us then, not anymore anyway. Though as of late I feel that way with a lot of people but more so with them, it’s true.

It’s kind of weird that we saw Deadpool in light of recent developments. In the film Deadpool in his previous life falls in love in an unlikely set of circumstances. But it works for them, until he gets sick anyway. He left for her, because he didn’t want her to see him suffer. Everything he did was for her. I can only imagine what it must be like to love someone else that much. At the end after everything has gone wrong and she sees him for who he is now she accepts him back. He was scared she would reject him because of the way he looks and I guess because she’d be angry at him for leaving, which she was. I’m not sure what my point is, just that it felt weird to be watching that film now.

The journey home was the worst point, this was the problem the last time I went out as well. Though it turned out to be a little different this time, at least I didn’t have to deal with feeling like I was going to suffocate. In a way that would have been easier to deal with, at least with that you know what’s going on and what to do about it. I hate not knowing how I’m feeling, just having a general idea that I’m on edge about something. I’m not quite sure what prompted such a reaction, I was a little stressed out on the first part of the journey but not so much. Nothing that my headphones and some fan-fiction couldn’t fix. It might be their unexpected presence, it wasn’t planned for them to be a part of the return journey. I don’t like surprises or deal well with them at the best of times, so that may be the reason.

I just wanted them to go away, I was trying and failing to listen to them. At the same time I was trying to remember Toni Kroos, about being as calm and collected as he is known for being. Being afraid and worried is fine, letting other people see that is not. I was also thinking about what the Hulk said to Captain America when he told him it was time to get angry: “That’s my secret Cap, I’m always angry.”

I’m not always angry but I am always very close to the edge of being so. Most of the time it doesn’t take much to push me over the edge.
All I had to do was to get through it, to keep calm and remain as much as possible in control. This is the kind of situation Jogi cards were made for. Somehow I got through it in one piece, though not without them picking up on the fact something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t appreciate their remark about selective hearing though. That really upset me, I thought they of all people would know how difficult it is to listen to other people, let alone when you’re in an environment you aren’t entirely comfortable with. At that point I decided on giving up on putting so much effort into it. If they don’t appreciate the effort you’re making then it’s not worth it. I shouldn’t even have been trying anyway, I should have just told them the truth and admitted I can neither listen nor talk right now. I should have saved my resources for more important things.

All things considered it wasn’t a good day but it could have been worse. I can see that now. After all I did get home in one piece, I couldn’t pay much attention to Dortmund’s game last night that’s true but I can watch it again. The main thing is I didn’t spend all of today in bed because of it. The events of one day are not going to be allowed to dictate how I feel about the rest of the weekend. No, that’s Freiburg’s job. They play Kaiserslautern tomorrow. How I feel about the weekend will instead rest upon how well they play and the result of the game. Just like it should be.

A Bad Moment or a Bad Day

I can’t remember which prompt or even which day but I remember reading something which more or less made the point that one moment is just that. The day is made up of a thousand and one tiny moments, why do you have to let the one bad one dominate everything else. I’ve had plenty of time to ponder such thoughts this morning having woken up at around 4:00am. It’s not so bad, I did get to bed early so it’s not like I’ve only had six hours sleep. And it’s only thee hours before I was meant to be getting up anyway.

I went to bed in a none too happy mood so it’s not at all surprising that I woke up in one. It took a while before I realised that what happened yesterday really is just a minor disagreement. Certainly not something to still be obsessing over now. Their comment may have been a little thoughtless but that’s all it was. It still hurts but there’s no point in getting hung up on it. Which I know is easier said than done, I’m trying at least. It’s just such a painful reminder, that in other people’s happiness is a reminder of the things I can’t yet do. I’m happy for the person in question, I really am. Making the step towards living by yourself is a big deal and for them it’s a bigger deal than for most. They aren’t the problem, it’s other people making careless remarks and asking questions without really thinking about what they’re saying that’s the issue.

I resisted getting up at first because it was so early. Now I see I should have just gotten straight up regardless of the time. All staying in bed and trying to get back to sleep achieved was providing more time for such obsessive thoughts to take root. It’s better to get up and do something, even if that something is just watching TV. Now I’m all woken up and busy worrying about today. Staying out of trouble is a lot easier when you don’t spend that much time around other people. Today it’s going to be put to the test, spending half the day with someone and avoiding any difficult topics of conversation. Plus remembering not to talk about, well almost everything I like. Which makes me wonder, why are we friends again? Or are we even friends anymore. I just have to remember, it’s just a few hours. Soon enough it’ll all be over and I can get back here to see Dortmund’s game against Porto tonight. And if I need any help in staying cool I should just think of Toni Kroos. Just because you’re under pressure doesn’t mean you have to show it, not at the time anyway.

Yesterday I was trying to work out what the problem is with Monday’s, lately they’ve been a particularly non-productive day. I went through all of the days of the week and noticed the pattern I’ve fallen into. The start of the week is readjusting, the middle point of the week is starting to think I might be getting somewhere and then along comes Friday and the weekend and I’m back to square one. I could as I’ve been doing try to change the pattern, which hasn’t been going at all well. Or I could just write off Monday, accept I won’t get much done and make the most of the days I can actually do anything.

In trying to straighten out my schedule I think part of the problem is how I react when I can’t sleep. I get impatient and want to get out of bed and do something, feeling like it’s wasted time and if I’m not going to sleep then I may as well be getting on with something. But then I don’t know that because I give up long before I should. I think reading fan fiction or anything online when I’m in bed is bad idea. Reading is fine in itself, but it has to be an actual book. Of course I’ll have to pick what book it is carefully. The two books I’m reading right now certainly aren’t of any help. One is about Colombian drug cartels and the other is about a man who wants to kill himself so he can be with his recently deceased wife but the world and well meaning people keep getting in the way. I’m not sure I even own any lighthearted books which won’t give me nightmares or cause troublesome thoughts which will just keep me awake even longer. I wonder if comics will be suitable. I’ve never been a fan of them but I’ve giving it another shot, I just bought The Complete Winter Soldier. The reason being my recent fascination with Bucky and Sebastian Stan. It’s a worth a shot I guess. Who knows maybe I might dream about the winter soldier as a result. Even if it’s a nightmare it would be worth it, just to have him in my dreams.

Mission Almost Accomplished

When I first started drafting this post I had two goals in mind, first and foremost to get my very own figurine of Bucky. I have found one and a way to get it, the only downside is that it’s not released until September. So some patience is required, but at least I definitely know I’m getting one. The second goal I had was to get a good night’s sleep, that predictably did not go so well. I did get to sleep on Thursday night, shortly after midnight, only problem is I slept most of the day as well. In the end it all worked out and I didn’t miss Freiburg’s game on Sunday but that’s besides the point. I’m not even sure what the point is anymore. I understand why I’m trying to get up every weekend but the rest of the time I have no idea. Upon finding out I can have my very own winter soldier I was quite excited about it. But I can’t help but wonder why. Why it is I need to spend so much money on what is essentially a very well crafted toy. Or why it is I spend any of the money I do on the things I buy.

I don’t know, I’m just feeling a little lost at the moment. I shouldn’t be, I should be nothing but happy right now. In the space of four days I got a Hansi video and three Jogi videos, plus a half-time interview from yesterday’s game. And most importantly of all Freiburg got their first win of 2016, beating their neighbours Sandhausen 2-0. Plus of course this Wednesday is Hansi’s birthday and I have a special post planned for him just like Jogi. There’s plenty to look forward to, more Champions League and Europa League before getting back to the Bundesliga on Friday. Yet part of me just wants to crawl back into bed and ignore everything.

What I really want to do other than that is to finish the story I’m working on, it would be nice to finish it in time for Wednesday but I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I don’t think I’m in the right kind of mood to write something so happy. I’m trying my best to focus on the positives, like the fact I just agreed a trade which sees me get the one final sticker I need to complete the Euro 2016 album. I certainly don’t want to get dragged down by any obsessive thoughts. Not about any social errors from the week past and not in relation to my upcoming cinema trip. I can’t let those thoughts and feelings take over which of course is easier said than done. I should keep Toni Kroos in mind, he’s Mr Cool because he’s unshakable, nothing gets to him or at least he doesn’t let it show. Maybe this is why I dreamed about him last week. It was funny him being in my dream because I was very excited to see him and I couldn’t hide it, I demonstrated my excitement with some very excited hand clapping. Which annoyingly is a real life trait of mine. Also baffling was the other two people in the dream. Those two people being Diego Maradona and Franco Nero who was dressed like he was in Django Unchained. I was given a suit by the former, I have no idea why or what it’s all supposed to mean.

I don’t really know what anything means, not in terms of dreams or real life. I suppose I should just try to get through the week and try not to get in any trouble. It just feels like that’s all I’m doing at the moment, moving from crisis to crisis. A lack of an overall plan of any kind is good in the sense that there’s less pressure on me but there are downsides too. The major one being that I don’t know what I’m doing or feel like I’m doing enough. I should be doing more and I know it. It sometimes seems kind of pathetic to me that getting up and dressed before lunchtime is considered an achievement of sorts these days. That I’ve gotten so far from reality and the outside world that such a thing is a big deal.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

I came up with the title before Freiburg’s game on Friday evening, unfortunately it proved to be rather apt. Though in the case of Bochum it’s a case of losing all since they lost to them at home as well, at least that time it was something of a fluke which makes me feel a little better. But realistically it makes no difference, three points is three points. Doesn’t matter if you deserved to win or not or if you were the better team for the first 30 minutes. What counts is who did take their chances and that isn’t something Freiburg did.

The title originally had nothing to do with football, it was meant to refer to Thursday’s events. To my decision to finally stop hiding away and to go outside. I went out intending to see Ryan Gosling’s new film The Big Short but surprised myself on that count. At the last minute and I mean that literally, I changed my mind buying a ticket for The Danish Girl instead. I didn’t really know why at the time, it was a big surprise to me too. I’m not exactly the most flexible of people and don’t usually willingly make such changes. In fact I’ve never done that before ever. In that regard the day worked out fine, everything else not so much. The highlights of the rest of the day include being unable to correct a mistake and stand up for myself, losing an auction for a Hansi picture and then freaking out on the train.  Not to mention being exhausted by having unwillingly dragged myself out of the house.

I can’t work out if it’s because having been inside for a while I’m just not used to being outside and around other people for so long, or because it really was a mistake. Whether the whole day or not was a mistake I don’t know and won’t know until I try again I suppose, but one thing I do know is that I should have caught a different train. That was stupid of me, coming home in the middle of the rush hour and expecting it to be fine. Seeing another film and coming home in the night would have brought it’s own problems but maybe it would have been easier than dealing with this. I can’t remember the last time I reacted like that in front of other people which I guess is something to celebrate in itself. Though I wasn’t feeling at all celebratory at the time obviously. It’s only with hindsight can I appreciate it. At the time I felt like I was going to die. I shouldn’t even have got on the train to begin with. I didn’t want to, I thought it was because I didn’t want to stop watching the trains. I was unaware then of the real reason. When I was on the train I wanted to get off, I didn’t and not only because I couldn’t move. More because I was sure if I got off I wouldn’t want to get on another one. So I had to tough it out. At least I did have my tablet for company, I couldn’t get any reading done but at least my headphones stopped me from going completely insane.

I guess trying again would be helpful, though I’m none too enthusiastic about the prospect. I just have to pick the right time, next week would certainly not be a good idea. It’s a school holiday, going anywhere would be a disaster in those circumstances. I’m still a little on edge from last time, that would be a little too much. I planned on writing this post when I got back that day or on Friday, but I didn’t have the energy to. That turned out to be a good thing, letting a little more time pass meant I’m not quite so angry about it. Now I’m in more of how I can do better next time frame of mind than an angry obsessive one. There’s no time this week for any such things at any rate. Four games in two days, Tuesday and Wednesday is the quarter finals of the DFB Pokal. Bayern face the team that defeated Freiburg this Friday past. Bayern are going to beat them obviously and I suppose it’ll make me feel a little better, but not much. The other tie of interest is Dortmund against Stuttgart. The latter are a team on the up with their new coach but league form counts for nothing as Bremen proved in the last round. And that probably won’t be enough to overcome Dortmund anyway. Regardless I’m sure it’ll be two nights of fun. As ever I’m hoping I’ll get a Jogi video, most likely from the Bayern or the Stuttgart game. But it’ll be plenty of fun even without that.

Naked with Black Socks

Naked with Black Socks

Are you comfortable in front of people, or does the idea of public speaking make you want to hide in the bathroom? Why?

Well this prompt certainly didn’t live up to my expectations, as Comic Book Guy would say “Most misleading title ever.”  I guess I won’t be writing any Jogi adventures from this prompt.

Anyhow, to the point. The idea of me being comfortable in front of anyone is laughable. As for public speaking, forget it. Talking to someone I don’t know is enough to strike the fear of god into me. The one time I did anything close to public speaking I failed, literally. It was a presentation I had to give as part of my English coursework in my last year of school. I got a D, the reasons why are all too predictable. Talking too fast, unintelligible speech, lack of eye contact and way too much detail. Stupid thing about that part of the coursework is they make no allowances. It counts as 20% of your grade regardless of the circumstances. Even if you have a disability which affects your ability to communicate. Inclusion only goes so far it would seem. But then that’s another rant entirely.

I got a reminder today of how little progress I’ve made on that front, I knew I was right, the amount made no sense. I tried to challenge it the first time and got a stupid answer back. I should have tried again, I should have argued with them. I knew I was right, it’s not about the money, it was just a small amount of money. It’s the principle. And it’s about me being able to speak up for myself.  As angry as I am about my failure on that count today wasn’t a total bust, I did surprise myself by showing some flexibility. I did so by changing my mind about what film to see. I went out set on seeing The Big Short but ended up seeing The Danish Girl. I did so for three reasons I think. First I thought the former would make me angry given what it’s about and I didn’t want to have that kind of day, second the Germans always win (Sebastian Koch is in The Danish Girl) and thirdly I felt like seeing a romantic type of film. It’s the third one which is most interesting, I don’t like romance in films, whether it’s a drama or a comedy. It’s not something I normally enjoy, yet more and more I find myself watching such things. I blame Jogi and Hansi for this. And the person who introduced me to Bucky fan fiction.

I’m trying my best not to obsess over it, I really am. In an effort to cheer myself up and distract myself I’m watching Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Not just because it’s the next film on the pile to watch but because I know it almost word for word. Familiar is good right now, words I know are good. Though I can’t help be a little frustrated. I keep thinking about the pages I wrote last night before I went to bed, point is how is it that I can write the stories I write and yet not be able to stand up for myself.