Tag Archives: Anger

Advent Calendar Day 3

Today has been an extremely slow and lazy day, so lazy in fact that I couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a proper title for this post. When possible I like to reference at least one of the players whose card or sticker I got but it’s just not happening today. I’m just glad I didn’t get Matze Ginter’s card or sticker, or Lars Stindl’s for that matter. Watching them lose 3-0 today was punishment enough. If I hadn’t bothered to get out of bed I wouldn’t have seen them lose so badly, but on the other hand I would have missed seeing Peter, Marc and Matze Ginter. And then I would have had yet another thing to beat myself up about, god knows I don’t need any more of those. I think you have to keep doing what you’re doing, even if you don’t know why. When the alternative is doing nothing then it’s not really a choice is it? I won’t feel good either way, so I might as well be doing something.

Believe it or not there is one good thing about today (and I mean besides the surprise of Peter doing the pre-match show for the first game). At least I know partly why I feel the way I do. Right now it’s something specific I’m running away from. I don’t want next week to happen and not sleeping or waking up feels like a way to achieve that. Logically I know it’s not but it feels that way when you’re trying to convince yourself to get out of bed. I’m not just scared, I’m angry. It’s bad enough when you have to suffer because you screwed up, it’s even worse when you’ll potentially suffer because someone else made a mistake that was entirely avoidable but for their arrogance and self confidence that they know everything. When in actual fact they know nothing. And what makes me even angrier is knowing that when things do go wrong they never take responsibility, always finding someone else to blame. Even when it’s a decision they have made, a situation entirely of their own making – they still have to find a way to twist it so that it’s anyone’s fault but theirs. I think that’s pathetic and just about one of the worst personality traits a person can have. I hate that I’m even ranting about them, because that means I’ve let it get in my head.

There’s no question of it being anywhere approaching good news at the end of the week, it’s just a question of how bad it’s going to be. I know that now, even without having all the facts. I can put the pieces together that I already have to work that much out. All of this and yesterday’s events has left me wondering what’s worse, bad news that you know is coming or bad news that comes from nowhere? Because this feels like torture of a kind, knowing something is about to hit you, but not quite knowing what. It’s the waiting that kills you. I didn’t have to wait long to find out about the Cologne situation at least. I found that out this morning, waking up to the news that not only are they parting ways with Peter Stöger but that it was already decided before the Schalke game. He got them back into the Bundesliga and into European competition after 20 plus years, yet he doesn’t even get to be in charge for their last Europa League group game. Strange thing is they still actually have a shot in that competition. Whereas in the league I think they’re pretty much done for either way, so why couldn’t they just stick with him?

On the subject of sticking with things I thought after writing something positive yesterday that maybe it wouldn’t just be a one off sort of thing. It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote something properly, Jogi’s little trip to Russia having provided suitable inspiration, his shirt and tie helping considerably on that count. But sure enough when I couldn’t sleep I ended up writing more depressing stuff. I really need something else to write about, something that doesn’t involve plotting the demise of alternate Matze. When I couldn’t sleep last night I got thinking about the whole thing and about a conversation online I had the other day. In particular we were talking about nightmares and allowing other people to help. That’s not something I’m good at, which is a big problem. What bothers me even more is the fact I’m so bad at showing my feelings in front of other people. I can’t be honest with them even when I want to. And when someone does see me upset it’s because I’m in the midst of a meltdown and have no choice in the matter.

I talk to someone twice a month about all of this stuff yet I feel like I can’t be completely honest with them, I’ve seen the same person for several months now yet I don’t feel like I can trust them. Which kind of defeats the purpose of going at all I suppose. On the other hand I feel like I should be able to solve my own problems, that needing help at all makes me weak somehow. In the same way my collections and obsessions make me feel weak for needing them. Because whether I want to admit it or not I do need them. Other people get friendships, relationships and attachments to other human beings, people in real life – not characters or people on TV. And I have my collections. Because even when that offer is there (as it currently is) of actual real life human companionship I can’t take it. That’s a subject that comes up a lot, finding ways of encouraging myself to spend more time with people in real life. So I guess no-one is going to be pleased that instead of finding a way to achieve that I have a new obsession instead.

Advent Calendar Day 2: The Handsome Turk/The Unsolveable Problem

Finding motivation to write isn’t always easy, tonight unfortunately it’s not a problem. I say unfortunately because my need to write doesn’t come from a good place. It’s not a sudden flash of inspiration or an attempt to work out my feelings and thoughts in a constructive way. I’m writing simply because I don’t know what else to do. There is nothing I can do about this particular issue in real life. I have someone to talk to about it but I’m sick of talking when that’s all I can do. There’s no need to discuss the matter any more. I could certainly do with a protector right now, so in that sense it’s fitting that behind door number two in the Freiburg calendar was Turkish defender Çağlar Söyüncü. He’s quickly become a firm favourite with fans and with me too. I don’t usually take to new people well,  it can take a while to adjust to their presence and that goes for new players and people in real life too. But there is something about him and it’s not just his dashing good looks as the title would suggest. I just called him that before I learnt how to say his name properly and it just stuck. How could it not with pictures like this(courtesy of Freiburg’s twitter page):

cyrp1powqaargtxLike I said it’s not just his good looks, it’s the good impression he quickly made on the pitch. Despite the language barrier he’s become a formidable force in Freiburg’s defence and whilst that still does cause some problems there’s no doubting his commitment. He makes mistakes just like everyone else but he always gives 110% when trying to fix them. In trying to fix his defensive error against Mainz he practically ended up in the back of the net along with the ball. I like that in a person, not only taking responsibility for their own actions but immediately trying to right the wrong. It’s something which seems to be lacking in a lot of people these days. It’s always someone else’s fault, some people seem to have a real problem in admitting they are the source of their own problems. It’s so frustrating dealing with a person who can never ever be wrong and who completely loses it if someone even hints they are.

I know I have trouble accepting criticism and admitting I’m wrong, it’s something I’ve been working on for quite a while. So it makes all the more frustrating when you get accused of being rigid and uncompromising by someone who refuses to deal with their own problems. If it were just the case they found me frustrating and we didn’t get on that would be the end of it. You can’t be liked by everyone and some people just can’t get on, I can accept that. What I can’t accept is the constant criticism and what’s progressed from passive-aggressive sniping to direct insults. Direct in the sense there’s no doubt they are meant for me yet they still don’t have the guts to say them to my face, which only angers me more. If someone has a problem with another person they should deal with it, not act in such a cowardly manner. I know what they’re doing, I’ve been here before. They plan on taunting me until I snap and respond aggressively, thus making me the bad guy. This is a tactic I know well from school. Despite how they’re constantly putting me down and chipping away at me  I’m not going to react, it’s killing me not to but I’m not giving in.

Doing so would make me feel better in the short-term but would do nothing to help the long-term problem. I’ve already let it get to me more than I would like, having spent part of the afternoon ranting about it. That in a sense is giving in, letting the anger take over. But at least it was to someone else, I didn’t respond to any of the provocation at the time. I know it’s not always wise bottling up feelings in this way, except sometimes you don’t have any choice.

I never used to think of what happened earlier this afternoon as a meltdown, I only used to count the more physical occurrences. It wasn’t until I read more about the matter I realised this very much counts too. Of course it does, close to two hours of ranting whilst angrily pacing back and forth, only stopping to punch something when I got frustrated at not being able to get my words out or being interrupted in some way. Times like that it really doesn’t help when people try to talk over me or tell me what they think I mean, it just makes me angrier. But it’s over and done with now. I think not only did it need to happen but I had an inkling it was coming, that it’s been building up over the past few days, I just wasn’t consciously aware of it. I think it may have been the reason I finally made my bed this morning after not having done so for over a month. Maybe I knew I was going to need the comfort of a freshly made bed. Because afterwards I needed to sleep which is what usually happens. Not for the whole day though which would have ruined everything, just a short nap before Bayern’s game. Now after some sleep and having watched the game I feel a little calmer, my routine has been preserved and there’s no reason the rest of the weekend can’t proceed as planned.  Of course what I didn’t foresee was the troublesome person in question once more trying to bait me into reacting. I’m pleased to say I didn’t fall for it, I felt angry and hit myself as a result but that’s all. I’m counting it as a success because it was just one moment, after all I’m writing this instead of ranting furiously about in real life. My head is quiet and I want to keep it that way.

The situation isn’t going away and I don’t have a plan as to how to deal with it yet. I need to find a way to not only resist the temptation to retaliate but also to control my own feelings. Because all that happens when I get angry is I blame myself and get even angrier. If there’s one thing know for certain it’s that I don’t need any help on that front, I can find plenty of things to reproach myself about without any help from someone else. All I know for certain is going on the attack is not an option, more aggression won’t solve anything. With that in mind I have to mention the final and second reason this post was even written at all. The question of who was lurking behind door number two in the Dortmund calendar. A player who no doubt would be the bane of Söyüncü’s existence were they to ever face off, the quick footed Ousmane Dembele who recently scored his first ever goal for Dortmund in the crazy 8-4 win over Legia Warsaw in the Champions League. Just as it’s fitting Söyüncü was today’s Freiburg player so maybe the sane is true of Dembele. Sometimes with players like him they can’t be caught and with their never ending trickiness and pace their opponents understandably get frustrated which leads to them reacting out of anger, and taking them out in a way the rules do not permit. There is always going to be a player who’s faster than you or who you can’t quite catch. How you respond to the situation is up to you. I suppose that’s enough musing for one night, to finish Dembele’s wrapper:

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Graceful Grifo/Nine in a Row

Whether Grifo scored a goal today or not he would have been the first thing to come to mind when I saw this prompt. This is the definition of the word I got from the dictionary – Someone or something that is graceful moves in a smooth and controlled way which is attractive to watch. It fits him perfectly, he really is a dream to watch and today was no exception. In an overly physical game against Eintracht Frankfurt he was not only the most entertaining player to watch but the best one too. That goal was his first ever Bundesliga goal and I could not be happier for him. Not only did he score the decisive goal but it was special in another way too, he just helped create a club record. For the first time ever Freiburg have won nine home games in a row. In fact they’ve won all three of their home games so far, along with beating Eintracht Frankfurt 1-0 they beat Gladbach 3-1 and HSV 1-0. There was one amusing moment after the final whistle which I can’t not mention. Christian Streich may not have moved particularly gracefully when he went off in search of Nils Petersen to celebrate with him but that doesn’t matter. You can see how happy he is and that’s all that counts. He’s definitely the kind of person who goes his own way, who marches to his own beat. But then that’s precisely why I’m so fond of him:

christian_streich_and_nils_petersen_celebrate_sc_freiburg_v_eintracht_frankfurtI just wish I could move like Grifo does,  he skips around defenders like they aren’t even there. Unfortunately I have more in common with Thomas Mūller in that regard. Clumsy and awkward is more how I move. Though of course Müller is graceful in his own strange little way, he doesn’t look it most of the time but he really is. He’s effective anyway, even if he looks like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. The DFB summed up his style perfectly in a tweet, describing him as a “swan on ice skates.”  On the subject of Bayern I have to include this GIF, it’s only loosely connected to the topic at hand but I couldn’t resist. It’s an odd day when you see Manuel Neuer make a mistake or show some poor decision making. I have no clue what he was doing, none whatsoever. Oliver Baumann is usually the one who provides me with my funny goalkeeper moments of the week but this time it’s Neuer’s turn:

manuel_neuer_bayern_v_k_ln_2016_17There is of course another way in which a person can be graceful, in the sense of being polite and pleasant towards other people, in particular in awkward or difficult situations. It’s not always easy to remain polite and keep one’s cool when you feel like someone is deliberately trying to get a reaction from you, as has been the case today. But I’m doing my very best to do just that, to keep calm and not give them the reaction they want. Getting angry would be letting them win and I’ve gotten angry far too many times this week already. Whether it’s randoms on the internet or people in real life I’m determined not to get angry and end up ranting and raving. Getting angry isn’t constructive and I just end up feeling more annoyed with myself afterwards.

I talked about a similar matter with someone a few weeks ago, about arguing with people online and attempting to educate ignorant people. Combating ignorance is always a good thing but not when it drives you crazy in the process. Their point was you’re angry, ok so what are you going to do about it. Other than arguing with people whose views you’re never going to change. I didn’t agree with them at the time but now I can see their point. I get all worked up over things I can’t even change. It’s like they’ve won twice, they’re spreading igorance about autism and disability and they’ve gotten you angry and all bent out of shape about it. So angry that you can’t even think straight, let alone form a coherent argument. So angry that you’re still ranting about it days after it happened. At some point you need to step back and say I’m not getting involved with this. Which I know is easier said than done. Letting go of things is never easy but I need to learn how to do that, in a lot of different ways.

I have to say it’s very ironic, autistic people are often accused of not caring or thinking of what other people feel and think. It feels like I do nothing but that, maybe not in the way I’m meant to but I most definitely do care about what other people think. In fact I think I spend too much time thinking about such things. Right now I’m not wasting any time on doing so. I’m doing what I need and nothing more, I’m not worried about what anyone else thinks or if I’m being strange again. A so called normal person watches their favourite film for like the twentieth time or more it’s just because they really love the film and it’s their favourite. An autistic person does it and they’re “engaging in repetitive and obsessive behaviours.” I think sometimes when it comes to autism people spend so much time seeing it as something seperate from people they forget that autistic people are just that, people. A human being with thoughts and feelings just like them. You read the way some parents talk about their kids and it’s like they think they needed to be taught to be a person. As if somehow they weren’t before. They only see them as a person now they can make eye contact and engage socially the way they want them to. Someone is not less of a person if they can’t learn how to do that but it feels like that’s what such people are implying. And that’s in danger of becoming a rant, which I’m not meant to do.

Rather than getting angry all over again I’m going to resume watching Inglourious Basterds. Watching it wasn’t on my schedule, I didn’t know it was on till a few moments before it started. But I’m doing so anyway and look at that, I’m being flexible about something. If you believe everything you read about autism I’m not supposed to be able to do that. But then if you believe everything you hear or read about autistic people we’re not meant to be capable of being friendly, happy or affectionate either. Nor are we meant to have a sense of humour. I actually read someone asking how someone else’s child could possibly have autism because they were happy, smiling and said hello to them.  Just what they think autistic people are like I don’t know. That encounter by itself is an excellent argument for why I shouldn’t waste my time or energy interacting with such people. When that’s the level of ignorance you’re dealing with it’s just not worh it.