The day was quiet enough in real life anyway, football wise there was plenty of drama and funnily enough yesterday’s title could be used today as well. Both of today’s games was decided by just the one goal and in both it was a late goal. Equally both games were partially decided by a referee’s decision. It’s a reminder in a way that no matter what you do sometimes things are taken out of your hands and it’s not always fair, Mainz being denied their goal certainly wasn’t. As for Schalke you just have to feel sorry for them, even if you’re not particularly fond of them like I am. Last week they had a penalty awarded against them which was nothing of the sort and this week they have a man sent off after just four minutes in what probably was a mistake. It must feel like the universe is against them right now, a feeling I know well. And with that in mind I can’t work out why I made the decisions I made yesterday. I find it difficult to deal with last minute changes when other people impose them upon me, especially when they involve talking to another person. So why would I choose to inflict such a thing upon myself? Was I trying to prove something? Or perhaps I can just write off my poor decision making as being the result of distraction and sleep deprivation. Either way I shouldn’t have done it and not just because of the social element of it. A far bigger issue was having someone in my personal space. A whole day later and it’s still bothering me. I have a feeling it’s going to for a while.
In a way I can’t really explain my room doesn’t feel quite right anymore, it feels like it’s been violated somehow. I used to laugh at Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory when he freaked out about other people being in his room, not anymore. Not only have I never had a social type acquaintance in the house before but not in my room either. It’s not something I’ll be doing again in a hurry. Matter of fact I’m not that crazy about spending time in someone else’s house either. It’s just too awkward, too many unknowns and too much uncertainty. I’m probably being an idiot about it but I feel kind of disappointed in myself. As if I should be able to deal with stuff like this. I’m not a child anymore so why should it be so difficult? Things are meant to get easier as you get older, that’s what people always tell you anyway. But certain things just seem to get worse. I mean I’m an adult and I still can’t handle Christmas. Last year we tried out the concept of surprise presents, we’re not doing the same this year, just three gifts I already know about in advance. I couldn’t deal with the uncertainty of surprise presents right now and I definitely don’t need something else to obsess over.
Two days ago I thought having friends was a good thing, regardless of how difficult it can sometimes be. Now I’m back to thinking maybe it’s too much and I’m never going to get this right. This how it’s always going to be, going back and forth between two extremes and never quite finding any sense of balance. And this too is one of the issues I have to explain to someone else. How can I explain it so that it makes sense to them when it doesn’t even make sense to me? A few days before and now I’m starting to get seriously worried about it, worried enough to feel sick about it. My attempts to be positive didn’t last long. Now all I can think is once it’s over there will be one more person on this earth who knows what a helpless pathetic human being I am. It feels like someone judging you, as if they’re deeming your life not worthy of living. I feel that way about myself sometimes already. I find myself asking if this is really living or it’s just an existence, one which isn’t particularly meaningful. Sooner or later I’m going to run out of distractions which is all my special interests and obsessions are. Distractions from the fact I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t really care. I have a room full of collectibles and for what? Each new collection I spend money I shouldn’t on stuff I don’t really need, and it changes nothing. I’m just as confused and lonely as before I obtained whatever my latest acquisition is. Yet I keep doing it because I don’t know what else to do. Or rather I know exactly what needs to be done, I’m just too cowardly to do it. Until then I guess I just keep on doing what I’m doing.
Speaking of acquisitions in today’s calendar was Matze’s little Erik. Obviously they aren’t a couple in real life, let alone in a three-way relationship with Julian Draxler but that’s how I’ll always see them. You can’t unread something like that once you’ve read it. Now in my mind Erik will always belong to Matze. And in Freiburg’s calendar was everybody’s favourite Albanian Amir Abrashi: