Category Archives: Obsessions/special interests

Advent Calendar Day 3

Today has been an extremely slow and lazy day, so lazy in fact that I couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a proper title for this post. When possible I like to reference at least one of the players whose card or sticker I got but it’s just not happening today. I’m just glad I didn’t get Matze Ginter’s card or sticker, or Lars Stindl’s for that matter. Watching them lose 3-0 today was punishment enough. If I hadn’t bothered to get out of bed I wouldn’t have seen them lose so badly, but on the other hand I would have missed seeing Peter, Marc and Matze Ginter. And then I would have had yet another thing to beat myself up about, god knows I don’t need any more of those. I think you have to keep doing what you’re doing, even if you don’t know why. When the alternative is doing nothing then it’s not really a choice is it? I won’t feel good either way, so I might as well be doing something.

Believe it or not there is one good thing about today (and I mean besides the surprise of Peter doing the pre-match show for the first game). At least I know partly why I feel the way I do. Right now it’s something specific I’m running away from. I don’t want next week to happen and not sleeping or waking up feels like a way to achieve that. Logically I know it’s not but it feels that way when you’re trying to convince yourself to get out of bed. I’m not just scared, I’m angry. It’s bad enough when you have to suffer because you screwed up, it’s even worse when you’ll potentially suffer because someone else made a mistake that was entirely avoidable but for their arrogance and self confidence that they know everything. When in actual fact they know nothing. And what makes me even angrier is knowing that when things do go wrong they never take responsibility, always finding someone else to blame. Even when it’s a decision they have made, a situation entirely of their own making – they still have to find a way to twist it so that it’s anyone’s fault but theirs. I think that’s pathetic and just about one of the worst personality traits a person can have. I hate that I’m even ranting about them, because that means I’ve let it get in my head.

There’s no question of it being anywhere approaching good news at the end of the week, it’s just a question of how bad it’s going to be. I know that now, even without having all the facts. I can put the pieces together that I already have to work that much out. All of this and yesterday’s events has left me wondering what’s worse, bad news that you know is coming or bad news that comes from nowhere? Because this feels like torture of a kind, knowing something is about to hit you, but not quite knowing what. It’s the waiting that kills you. I didn’t have to wait long to find out about the Cologne situation at least. I found that out this morning, waking up to the news that not only are they parting ways with Peter Stöger but that it was already decided before the Schalke game. He got them back into the Bundesliga and into European competition after 20 plus years, yet he doesn’t even get to be in charge for their last Europa League group game. Strange thing is they still actually have a shot in that competition. Whereas in the league I think they’re pretty much done for either way, so why couldn’t they just stick with him?

On the subject of sticking with things I thought after writing something positive yesterday that maybe it wouldn’t just be a one off sort of thing. It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote something properly, Jogi’s little trip to Russia having provided suitable inspiration, his shirt and tie helping considerably on that count. But sure enough when I couldn’t sleep I ended up writing more depressing stuff. I really need something else to write about, something that doesn’t involve plotting the demise of alternate Matze. When I couldn’t sleep last night I got thinking about the whole thing and about a conversation online I had the other day. In particular we were talking about nightmares and allowing other people to help. That’s not something I’m good at, which is a big problem. What bothers me even more is the fact I’m so bad at showing my feelings in front of other people. I can’t be honest with them even when I want to. And when someone does see me upset it’s because I’m in the midst of a meltdown and have no choice in the matter.

I talk to someone twice a month about all of this stuff yet I feel like I can’t be completely honest with them, I’ve seen the same person for several months now yet I don’t feel like I can trust them. Which kind of defeats the purpose of going at all I suppose. On the other hand I feel like I should be able to solve my own problems, that needing help at all makes me weak somehow. In the same way my collections and obsessions make me feel weak for needing them. Because whether I want to admit it or not I do need them. Other people get friendships, relationships and attachments to other human beings, people in real life – not characters or people on TV. And I have my collections. Because even when that offer is there (as it currently is) of actual real life human companionship I can’t take it. That’s a subject that comes up a lot, finding ways of encouraging myself to spend more time with people in real life. So I guess no-one is going to be pleased that instead of finding a way to achieve that I have a new obsession instead.

Loyal

It’s been too long since I’ve written anything on here, I’ve posted but not actually written anything – Jogi and Hansi pictures don’t count. To be precise it’s been 151 days since I last wrote something, over five months ago. But that’s not the whole story, I stopped posting regularly long before then, at the start of the year. In all those months I didn’t even consider posting or look at the daily prompt which used to be part of my daily routine. Like so many other things it slipped away, and now it’s one of the things I’m trying to get back. The past few weeks I’ve started looking at the prompts again, trying to sum up the courage and enthusiasm to write something. And this one is so well timed I had to make myself try to write a little something.

Ordinarily the topic of being loyal would give me the opportunity to write about something Jogi related or at the very least Freiburg. I am going to mention the former but in a constructive way, not in “an excuse to go on about my obsession” way. I’ve done something which I have never done before, I finally have the opportunity to do something real related to an obsession of mine. Last week I took the impulsively insane decision to buy a ticket for the England-Germany game next month. It’s strange that’s for sure, a few months ago I was obsessively plotting my own death and now instead I’m making travel plans for a football match. I’m excited about going but also terrified, I think I may have over extended myself. I’m supposed to be increasing my independence but not necessarily by talking a drastic step like this. All this work I’m putting in and I won’t even get to see Manuel Neuer, with the recurrence of his foot injury he won’t be in squad until next March, if then. I’m making up for that in the best way I can, if the real Neuer won’t be there then I’ll take my own. I plan on taking my own soft toy version of Neuer with me and snapping a few pictures of him in London. It’ll be like Manuel’s travel journal.

Given that I’m focusing on something positive and doing all of this by myself you would think the psych would have no objection to this, but they do. In line with everything else they’ve told me they’re worried about me “feeding my obsession even more.” That I’m getting more obsessed when I should be stepping away from it. Because to them I’m not just loyal to Jogi and all of my other favorite Germans, they think I have an unhealthy attachment to them to the detriment of everything else. Which is kind of funny really, I mean have they not read the diagnostic criteria for autism? But then as they’ve reminded me several times they aren’t an expert in autism. They didn’t need to remind me of that, I can’t forget it, not when they do things like pick me up on my use of the words “NT people” and “autistic people.” Apparently it’s not good to talk about the two like they’re different which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. If they aren’t different the diagnosis of autism wouldn’t even exist now, would it?

I don’t think a lot of their advice, according to them the solution to my problems is for my special interests to be less consuming, and to spend more time with other people. That’ll solve my anxiety, intrusive thoughts and depression apparently. Of course that completely overlooks the fact that if being around other people were easier for me a and a less anxiety provoking experience I wouldn’t retreat into my special interests quite so much. I don’t know what the answer is but I do know I’m not going to walk away from one of the few things that makes me happy just because some so called professional (who in their own words knows very little about autism) thinks it’s a good idea. Maybe I have crossed a line and maybe my latest special interest is a little all too encompassing. But it’s all I have right now and it makes sense, which is more than I can say for anything else.

Other people don’t make any sense at all, at least the NT ones I know don’t, not at the moment. I don’t understand how someone can disappear for four months and reappear without any explanation, and still claim to be your friend. There’s a line between loyalty and blind stupidity, and I think I’m a little closer to the latter. I don’t stand up for myself, I let people walk all over me in this regard. And some people use autism as a justification of sorts, they say that I’m worrying over nothing, that I’m just being over obsessive and it’s autism’s fault. When in reality it’s them, they are being a bad friend. Because a real friend wouldn’t invite you somewhere and then leave you hanging as to the details. For a long time I’ve worried about this kind of thing, about other people seeing me as a pushover. I’ve wondered if they think I’m so pathetic and socially lacking in regards to social opportunities that they’ll just assume I’ll put up with it because I have no other options.

On the surface of it you would think being described as loyal is a good thing, but maybe it’s not. And I’m not the only person to wonder about such things. Perhaps it’s not a good thing for other people to think of you as being “loyal” but when it comes to football I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I don’t think being a fan of a team like Freiburg makes me a loser or anything like that. It doesn’t matter that I had to wait until MD7 for them to win their first game when last season the first win came on MD2. They might have made us wait but when they finally delivered it was all so worth it, beating Hoffenheim 3-2 and Çağlar  Söyüncū getting his first ever goal in a Freiburg shirt. No matter when his first goal happened I would remember it but with scoring in a goal in a game like that he’s guaranteed he’ll be remembered forever now, regardless of where he ends up in the future. Maybe other people do think being such an ardent fan of a team like Freiburg makes me an idiot, if so, that’s ok. If there’s one thing I know it’s not to take seriously what other people think. If only I could remember that when it really mattered.

Yet Another Change

I know there are bigger problems in the world, indeed I have far bigger issues to be concerning myself with now. Yet despite their real life importance it’s not any of them which are dominating my thoughts and ruining my week right now. Sixteen days into the year and I’m trying and so far failing to settle down into something resembling a schedule. Today was meant to be yet another reboot of my routine. The day where I get a good night’s sleep and where nothing goes wrong. That was ruined the second I put on the news where I was promptly greeted by the news Hansi quit. It’s certainly not the best start to the week. I never want anything to change but especially not now, and Hansi is the very last thing I expected to be the cause of any kind of change. I spent so much time worrying what would happen if I got bored in some way or suddenly got sick of the whole thing I completely forgot to think about what would happen if one of them caused everything to change.

Making the whole thing worse is storywise it actually works out quite well. Almost straight away I worked out how to work it in, from that perspective the story practically writes itself. I know conflict of some kind is necessary to propel the narrative but this isn’t quite what I had in mind. I was perfectly happy with the conflict I was creating by myself. I’m mad at him for making everything change but I’m even more mad at myself. The reason being it’s like in having those ideas I’m somehow accepting it. I just don’t know what to do now. I can’t escape into my stories because Hansi is there. And I can’t deal with real life now because he’s there too. Maybe it’s time for some new characters anda new pairing. As long as I don’t do something really stupid and decide to get a whole new obsession just because one piece of the puzzle changed. When the stories don’t make sense and real life doesn’t either then I really don’t know what to do. Well I do know, I just can’t do it. I can’t get a new obsession, not least because I have nothing new to jump ship to.

I’ve been meaning to get back into the habit of posting regularly for several days and in the process finding several excuses not to. This is the last thing I wanted to be the reason for writing something. At the same time this feels like the most important thing in the world I’m angry at myself for being so bothered by it. After all as other people would and do say it’s just football. And there are so many other things which should be preoccupying me. But with or without this unexpected change I don’t want to think about any of those. Because at the moment I have very little control of them. All I can do is wait and the waiting is killing me. At least with the stories I have some sense of control. If I don’t like some real life event then I can simply ignore it, or at least write it the way I want to.

Real life is always hard work and it’s even more true now than usual. Holidays are always difficult and Christmas especially so,  partly because of the winter break meaning not only do I have to get back into my own routine but I have to do that without any football for three weeks. Putting my routine back together is impossible when a big part of said routine is missing. Funny thing is a few weeks ago I had to explain a lot of this stuff to someone and ever since then I’ve been obsessing over it and beating myself up about everything I said and did.  I can never quite decide if my answers made me look more helpless than I really am or if I’d been less than truthful and I’d once again inadvertently given an optimistically misleading picture of my abilities. Thinking about such matters never ends well. It always goes the same way, ending up with me wondering just what kind of grown-up I am. And the answer is no kind, I’m a grown up in name only.

People try to help and reassure you, saying helpful things like people develop at their own pace and it’s marathon not a race. It doesn’t really help but it’s not their fault, they probably don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t know what to say either. Their well meaning words are every bit as unhelpful as being told I should just do what makes me happy. The only thing that makes me really happy right now is stickers. That is the only thing I can get excited about right now and is the only thing I have any real plans for. I couldn’t really argue if anyone accused me of caring about or loving my collections more than I do the people in my life. The collections are nothing like any relationships with humans that’s why. They are simple and uncomplicated, they just are. They make me happy and that’s all I need to know. They also have the side effect of making most people think I’m a total weirdo or some other such unflattering name but it doesn’t really matter anymore. When it comes to people it’s the exact same problem as it is with collections, can’t live with them, can’t live without them. On the subject of collections the following picture may prove to be the last addition in my Hansi collection. For how long only he knows. I’m not gettig my dream I know that much, he’s not ever going to be Jogi’s assistant again, I’ve long given up on that dream even in fiction form:

hansi-flick-sky-sports-news-16-01-17

Advent Calendar Day 18: A Quiet End to a Quiet Weekend

Yesterday was slow and today was even slower, of all the games I expected to be dull Bayern’s was not one of them. The afternoon can be summed up perfectly by what Neuer said in his post-match interview, “in the first half that wasn’t FC Bayern.” No it was most definitely not, the goal was fantastic but not enough to salvage the afternoon. They got the three points but it’s not the only thing which counts, it should not have gone that way. Neuer for one thing had more to do than I expected. Douglas Costa’s goal was good enough to make a GIF of it anyway:

douglas_costa_goal_darmstadt_v_bayern_2016_17Neuer’s save was less spectacular, by his standards it’s all in a day’s work but I still wanted to make a GIF of it, I think I just wanted an excuse to make one of Neuer:

manuel_neuer_save_darmstadt_v_bayern_2016_17And seeing as I did that I couldn’t resist the temptation of adding a few pictures from his interview either:

manuel-neuer-interview-darmstadt-v-bayern-2016-17-1manuel-neuer-interview-darmstadt-v-bayern-2016-17-2manuel-neuer-interview-darmstadt-v-bayern-2016-17-3manuel-neuer-interview-darmstadt-v-bayern-2016-17-4As well as being disappointed by Bayern’s game I was most displeased to see Ingolstadt beating Leverkusen 2-1, the reason being that’s who Freiburg face on Wednesday. The last thing I want is them ruining Freiburg’s fairly decent end to the year, if they win or least draw then it’ll be four without a loss. Just by writing that I’m probably cursing it but then I can add that to the list of stupid things I’ve done today. Getting into a good enough mood to write something isn’t an easy task right now, I should have left well alone. I should have just carried on with what I was doing and not allowed anything to distract me. But no, I had to check. I haven’t been able to do anything about this particular problem the other times, why I thought this time would be any different I don’t know. I’m lying to myself about the whole thing anyway, no matter what I say fixing this wouldn’t make me happy. If it wasn’t this then it would be something else. That’s how it always is with obsessions, they will always be replaced by something else. It’s exactly the same with each and every one of them. There’s something I either can’t have or is very difficult (and usually expensive) to get. Each time I swear it will make me happy, and it’s the absolute last thing I need. Of course it’s a lie, there is always something after it. Obsessions have an insatiable appetite that way, because the empty space they go someway in filling is always there. That emptiness is never going to go away.

I should have just stuck to the story, it was going fine, better than fine in fact. Though when it came to posting the first part of it I of course spent plenty of time agonising over it. I probably spent more time making up my mind than I actually did checking it over and making a few last minute changes. Which is pretty much typical for me, spend half the day obsessing over a task and then just a few minutes on actually carrying it out. It’s funny that some people associate thinking a lot with being intelligent, in my case thinking a lot makes me stupid, no doubt about that.

As for the story it’s not the one I want to be working on but the Christmas one is proving trickier than I anticipated. I think the idea of it is depressing me a little, partly because I don’t like Christmas all that much but also because I’ll never get to experience what I’m writing about. It’s not the Christmas part I care so much about, it’s the having someone to come home to,someone who cares whether you’re there or not. In other words someone who wants you to be there, not just someone who got stuck with you and is only there because they have to be. And I guess there is one part of the Christmas thing I like too, buying and wrapping gifts for someone. Taking the time to pick out something you know they’ll love and spending an equal amount of time wrapping it up for them, making it perfect. I didn’t have many people to buy for this year and one of the people I did buy for said I shouldn’t have, the reason being I spent more than they did. I wasn’t just being polite or saying what I knew I was meant to when I said I loved buying people books. Nor was I lying when I said I didn’t care their gift wasn’t equal to mine, it’s not about getting something back which made me happy. It’s knowing you’ve bought books for someone that you know they’ll love. I bought gifts for them not in anticipation of something in return but because I couldn’t bear not having someone to give gifts too. As good as that is they are just a friend, and that’s not what the story is about. I’m never going to have my own little Matze to buy gifts for, and first Christmasses are all done and dusted now my brothers are all practically adults. Now I’m just rambling, which is pretty much how every post concludes these days. At least I can recognise that I suppose, just wish I could do the same in a face to face conversation.

Anyhow, the advent calendars. The 18th day served up a very special player indeed, the quick footed and very talented Vincenzo Grifo who netted hs first Bundesliga goal this season against Eintracht Frankfurt and also has five assists.Equally unforgettable is his goal against RB Leipzig last season. He also has the honour of being the subject of two my (non-Jogi related) favourite GIFS. I hope Marc-Oliver Kempf will be back on his feet soon enough so and Grifo and him can dance together again. I miss him and more importantly Freiburg’s defence is definitely missing him.

Vincenzo_Grifo_Nils_Petersen_celebrate_SC_Freiburg_v_Fortuna_D_sseldorfGrifo_Kempf_dance_SC_Freiburg_v_1860In the Dortmund calendar was Sven Bender, I like him anyway but ever since the summer and the Olympics I like him a little more, since now he’s connected in my head to Nils Petersen:

20161219_005618-1

Out of Practice

Ever since the last international break before the tournament started I haven’t written anything for the daily prompt, or really anything of significance online at all. I’ve written plenty offline which eases my guilt somewhat but it doesn’t help with how uneasy I feel at the prospect of getting back into the habit. I don’t like change and so long have I gone without writing something online that it almost feels new. I can’t lie, I haven’t given the daily prompt a second thought until a few days ago when I dreamt about it. In the dream I was writing about a dream I had in which Manuel Neuer appeared for a prompt. I never got to find out what the dream was about but it got me thinking.  Since the tournament started I haven’t been sleeping very well and I wonder if it’s related to not writing anything. I usually use the daily prompt to rant about random things and get anything that’s been bothering me off my mind. Add that to not having talked to anyone about something other than football the past month or so and I may have my answer.

I’m not even sure what I want to write about right now. I thought I might get some idea what I started, it happens that way sometimes. I don’t really have anything to rant about right now, well other than the fact that Freiburg will both start and end their season away from home this year. Even worse they’ll start their season in Berlin which is where they ended it, then they lost 2-1 to Union Berlin. This time they’ll be visiting Hertha BSC instead but still, I’d rather it be someone else.  Funnily enough they’re doubly unlucky on that count having been drawn with a team by the name of SV Babelsberg 03 in the first round of the DFB Pokal, a team who hail from Berlin of all places. But all of that is still a long way off, first the tournament has to end and more importantly Germany have to face Italy later tonight. Which is the reason I’m still awake right now. I can’t help but get ahead of myself and think of the next round which I really don’t want to do. Not because I don’t have faith in them, I just don’t want to curse them. Which is why I bet on Iceland instead.

I’ve never been a big fan of placing money on games but I felt like I had to, I accurately predicted Iceland would beat England but didn’t put any money on it. Seeing how much I could have made had I done so was very annoying indeed. Thus all I have from that game is the pleasure of having been right. That and getting to put some very arrogant England fans in their place. It annoyed me how they could just assume England could and would beat Iceland.  There’s nothing wrong with self-confidence but arrogance is not attractive at all. Even less so when you consider England’s tournament record. Their fans should really be a little more realistic, not to mention respectful of their opponents. I guess being a fan of a so-called small team makes me a little more sensitive to such things.

I have no idea what my point is, or what if anything is on my mind. I really am out of practice, I mean it’s taken until the third paragraph to even find where the word pleasure fits in to my post. I am in a very obsessive phase right now, if it’s not football related then I can’t think about it. Which is ironic because I wasn’t looking forward to this tournament at all. And I still can’t really say I’m enjoying it, a large part of my time is spent worrying something is going to go wrong, something worse than just losing a game. Which may also be related to why I completely put the daily prompt out of my mind. If I didn’t write anything which required any reflection then I wouldn’t have to confront what I’m worrying about.

Though I have to admit real life isn’t much better either. I know I’m using the tournament as an excuse not to deal with stuff that’s going on in real life. Wherever I am I’m running way from something in some way. Except in real life it’s worse because I’m hurting someone else’s feelings as well. I can’t just tell the truth because I’m not quite sure what the truth is.  I was told if I missed the person in question I would do something about it to fix all this. I’m not sure that I do miss them and even if I did it’s balanced out by the sheer relief I feel at knowing I don’t have to make the effort to talk to them or anyone else. Which is probably not a good enough reason for ignoring people or cutting someone out of your life.  Nor am I sure if that makes me a bad person or not, to feel relieved at knowing there won’t be any e-mails of that nature for me to deal with. Surely given that I’m actively avoiding seeing other people I have no right to complain if I felt lonely. Though I’m not sure I do. I’ve allowed the stories I’m working on to take over to such an extent that I spend more time thinking about them than I do any person in real life. As long as I’ve got a character to talk to or work out dialogue for I don’t think I do feel lonely. But even if I did it’s balanced out by the fact that they don’t make me feel anxious. They aren’t going to unnerve me by saying or doing something unexpected.

I feel like maybe I’m running from something bigger, that it’s about more than just being unable to deal with other people. Like maybe I’m running away from the fact I don’t actually want to do anything. In eight days the tournament will be over and with it will end my obsessive charting of the team throughout it. Meaning I’ll have to find some other way to spend my time, I won’t have such an all-consuming excuse not to deal with reality.  It’s strange I haven’t written anything recently, not least because a few weeks ago was the two-year anniversary of my blog. Two years are a long time, in particular it’s a long time for me to stick with something. And I don’t just mean the blog.

Since then I’ve had the same special interest and that is unusual. By rights I should have gotten bored by now and abandoned them for something or someone else. There’s been several points where it could have happened and it didn’t, and I can’t figure out why. After it’s clear an obsession is going to stick around for a while I start to wonder what the next one will be. They tend to be connected in some way or to at least lead into each other. But I can’t see what could come from this or where it could lead to. Is it possible I could make a clean break and have a completely new kind of obsession? Or maybe not have an obsession at all, though that would no doubt mean having some kind of life in the real world and I’m not sure I’m made for that. Which begs the question what am I made for? And brings up a very old question, whether or not obsessions truly bring me or any other autistic person pleasure or if they just entrap us. My feelings are so mixed up right now I’m not sure what’s fun anymore, everything feels like just another obligation. I’m doing things because I have no clue what else to do, rather than because it’s what I want to do.

I read an article the other day which consisted of several autistic people sharing their experiences and detailing how great it was to have autism and all the good things about it. One of them actually used the word awesome and said they felt sorry for NTs who couldn’t experience the world they do. Just why in the world would you feel sorry for them? For their ability to start a conversation without worrying if they’re going to get the words out in the right order, or even be able to speak at all? Or to step outside their own house without needing military like planning and a schedule which covers every possible eventuality, though even that isn’t enough. It still doesn’t stop you from feeling anxious until you get back inside again. Making your peace with being autistic and realising you have to accept it is one thing, but being happy about it, being proud, that’s just messed up.

And then you read stuff from parents about how rich their child’s inner world must be and if only they could share it with them. But they can’t can they, because they have autism. And if they didn’t they probably wouldn’t need such a rich inner world to escape to in the first place. It’s kind of ironic you have to admit, that they talk about how rich an autistic person’s inner world must be when all I can think is how do you be part of this one. I don’t want to need to have such an inner world to start with. If I didn’t find the real world so threatening I wouldn’t need another world to escape to. I know the world inside my head very well, I spend almost all of my time there. Because no-one judges me there, I don’t have to worry about making mistakes or being too strange. I’m never made to feel unwelcome just for the crime of being myself.  And now I actually am ranting, it seems I found something to rant about after all. It’s probably a good place to end this post, I don’t see myself getting to a point anytime soon.

Thinking too Much

I haven’t written anything for the past few days, I’ve had ideas but every time I actually sit down to get started nothing happens. I decided to write something today because I’m worried I might get out of the habit. Taking a break from something is not necessarily a bad thing but with the way I feel it wouldn’t be a good idea. At the moment if I stop doing something then it’s very difficult to get back to it. I take any excuse to get out of something and then can’t get used to it again. Other than writing top of the list is being around other people. I can’t say I’m lonely because I have no idea how I feel or what I want. None of it makes any sense to me but then when do feelings ever make sense. I’m sure I’m putting too much thought into the matter. It’s a bad habit of mine. Self reflection can be a good thing but like everything else I take it to the extreme. Surely there’s a balance to be found between my obsessive over analysing and not thinking about or dealing with reality at all. If there is I haven’t found that equilibrium yet.

On the matter of thinking too much I wasn’t quite sure what pensive meant so I looked it up in the dictionary, only I didn’t find the definition there helpful so I googled it instead. I shouldn’t have done that because doing so created another thing for me to overthink. There’s so many different definitions and so many of them say different things. So how do I know which one of them is right? It made me think, how many other words are there that you use but don’t really know what they mean? Sometimes the entire English language feels that way, as if I don’t know what I’m saying, just that it’s the right thing to say. All this because I wasn’t sure what a word meant. At least it’s not as bad as yesterday. I went to see a film called Our Kind of Traitor and I really wish I hadn’t bothered. I didn’t enjoy the film and I now hate the sight of Ewan McGregor, plus it made me dislike Stellan Skarsgard which is not a good thing at all. What bothered me the most is the fact halfway through the film I started thinking about what the point of being there was. What was the point of seeing a film which just reminded me of several other films. Why bother watching films at all. Such thoughts of course led to me thinking why bother doing anything. I wasn’t in such a bad mood when I went out so I don’t know exactly where all those thoughts came from. At least if you cry at the cinema no-one bothers you and it was a film which had some sad moments too so I had a good excuse.

I can’t solve that mystery right now but at least I’ve written something today anyway, so the day’s not a total write off. Though even if I hadn’t done it wouldn’t have been anyway. No matter what else happened today could not have been a bad day, not when I got the all so special addition to my collection. Is it crazy? Beyond any doubt. Could the money have been better spent? Absolutely. But no amount of logic was going to stop me from getting this collectible. Getting it doesn’t fix everything, the happiness it provides will be short-lived, I know that. But I don’t want to think too deeply about it, that always leads to trouble. Right now I just want to enjoy how happy I am at getting this wonderfully awesome addition to my collection and to look forward to the DFB Pokal final which is on Saturday night. I would say I’ve crossed a line by buying a shirt actually worn by Jogi Löw but then I did that a long time ago. About eleven months ago to be exact. Back then I obtained a training shirt which once belonged to Hansi Flick. So in the words of Joey from Friends “Over the line, you’re so far over the line you can’t even see the line. The line is a dot to you.” I said a while ago when I bought my first white shirt that I wasn’t that kind of obsessive, making it clear that it was a shirt like Jogi’s, not actually his. This time however it really is his. So I guess I was wrong about that. I suppose there’s little difference between this and buying a Ginter match-worn football shirt. I mean it’s not like I’d ever get such a thing of Jogi’s so I guess this is the next best thing. Or maybe that’s just my attempt at rationalizing what is obviously a crazy addition, even for me. Either way, who cares. There’s not a lot which makes me happy in life, even if it’s only temporary I’ll take it. I think actually this is all there may be, this is what life is. Real life makes me unhappy or something goes wrong, then I get a new collectible or see a great match and then forget all about reality for a while.

20160519_17493120160519_175054It’s not the only collectible I’ve gotten recently, the other one is a great deal smaller but no less important. No matter how bad I felt yesterday I could not fail to be cheered up by this. Finally I got my very own Lego Man Jogi. I still can’t stop thinking how they missed an opportunity, Lego Man Hansi would have been brilliant. Him and Jogi standing side by side, just like it should always be, even in Lego form. As things stand there is of course no Lego figure of Hansi but then there’s not one of Schneider either which I’m naturally grateful for. Instead Jogi is standing next to Manuel Neuer. It bugs me that they’re all the same height, Manuel Neuer is way taller than everyone else but not in Lego form. I’m overthinking this I know but then what else is new.

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Hope

The main thing I was hoping that would happen this week is now an impossibility because Bayern were knocked out on Tuesday night and Man City lost to Real Madrid earlier tonight. It would have been all so perfect and not just because it would have seen Pep Guardiola going up against his new club. I was thinking of a it a little differently, what I found so amusing about the prospect of Bayern reaching the final is related to where it’s being held. This year’s final is being held in Italy so it would have been perfect for a German team to be there. A few months ago Germany beat Italy for the first time in 21 years and it happens to be the year the Champions League final is being held in Italy. Not to mention the fact that last year the final was in Berlin and Juventus an Italian team were the runners-up. Now it’s an all Spanish affair, whichever way it goes the trophy will be going to Madrid. There is at least a German still in the competition in the form of Toni Kroos for Real Madrid.

Despite the disappointment the week and indeed the night is not a total loss, not least because I got not one but two Jogi interviews. But the reason the week is not lost is an even better reason. Today I got the new DFB album and 50 packs of cards. So far I’ve got three of Jogi, two of Matze and Manuel. And I hate to say it, two of Schneider as well.

Joachim Löw – DFB card 2016Matthias Ginter – DFB card 2016 Manuel Neuer – DFB card 2016Football aside my biggest hope for this week is avoiding doing anything else particularly stupid between now and the end of the week. I already have all my stupid planned for the rest of the week, one more insane obsession related decision which I’ve committed to. It’s absurd enough to fill my stupid quotient for the week, enough for the month really but I can’t say no, not to the possibility of such a unique addition to my collection. Speaking of collections there’s one other thing I’m hoping for, the safe arrival of my Jogi advertising board. I keep obsessively checking the tracking status of it. I don’t know why because it hasn’t changed in the last 24 hours. But it’s freaking me out, the updates are not helpful at all. It went from telling me it’s on it’s way to saying “it hasn’t arrived yet.” It’s really freaking me out because both updates show the same location, how can it be on it’s way and then not have arrived. I can’t bear to think they may have lost it, surely it has to be a glitch of some kind. And it has to be the one courier company that is renowned for not being able to speak to an actual human being. Last time I dealt with them it was a shipment of German food they failed to deliver, it did eventually show up but had it not done I could have gotten over that. This on the other hand is a one of a kind collectible, not the kind of thing you get over. I know I shouldn’t be thinking so negatively but that is easier said than done.