Category Archives: Dreams


Normally this would be the kind of prompt which is tailor made for me, after all I always have plenty of good dreams to write about. Not lately though, the past few days I’ve had more nightmares than anything else. Even when it has been football related it’s not been good and not involving one of my favourite Germans. The last one I remember involved Jürgen Klopp and getting yelled at by his psychotic friend in a disagreement of some kind about terrorism. The last one before that which I actually remember details of involved among others Andre Schürrle and Julian Draxler. The latter’s presence is especially amusing because I just stocked up on some fan-fiction to read and one of the pairings is him, Matze Ginter and Erik Durm.

The nightmares have involved being chased, accused of betraying people I care about and of abandoning someone. No gunmen or assassins yet, so I suppose that’s something. Nevertheless it hasn’t been any fun these past few days. And thanks to Microsoft my waking hours have almost been as nightmarish as my time asleep. I was determined that this week would get off to a better start than last week. Back then I almost lost all my word files and had to fix a whole set of other technical problems. This week didn’t get off to much of a better start, Windows 10 decided to install itself on my laptop against my will. I’ve spent most of this afternoon trying to fix it. I knew how to fix it, only problem was my laptop kept freezing up which made it a painfully slow process. All of this almost resulted in me missing Frankfurt’s game too, though luckily that didn’t happen. I had to resort to watching it on my old laptop. It’s not perfect but at least I didn’t miss the game. Now peace is restored in the universe, I’ve gone back to Windows 8 and it’s what I’m going to stick with. I’ve been looking at new laptops, not for now but for later in the year. I’m going to have pay a little extra to avoid having one which comes with Windows 10 but it’ll be worth it. In fact it’s worth it just for the principle. Your program must really suck if the only way you can get people to take it is tricking them into doing so.

As for the game it hasn’t been one of those which you absolutely have to watch, it’s been nothing of the sort. But Eintracht Frankfurt got their goal, their Bundesliga status is secure and 1.FCN won’t be joining Freiburg and Leipzig in the top flight. I’m relieved, not least because had Frankfurt lost then Niko Kovac would be out of a job. I don’t know if he’s going to stay but at least there’s a chance now. It’s great, now Freiburg get to visit Frankfurt once again. Maybe Petersen can put another couple of goals past them to go with his hat-trick from the previous season.

I’m done being angry about this afternoon’s events, I meant it when I said I want this week to get off to a better start. I’m not going to hit anything again, not my keyboard and not my laptop. I’m going to do the best I can to straighten things out sleep wise for the rest of the week. Being wound up is not going to help with that. Letting things go is not the easy for me but it’s what needs to be done. One day does not have to ruin the rest of the week. And this week is going to be fun, the team meet up tomorrow for the international break. Matze’s not in the squad but at least all my other favourite players are. Today has been far from a dream but I got something in the post which is most definitely dreamy:

Joachim Löw – signed Eintracht Frankfurt picture

Out of Order/A Petersen Dream

One of the reasons I kept putting off catching up with the Bundesliga posts is the thought of doing something out of order bothered me. It’s only when I realised that both options bother me and I’m the only one it bothers anyway did I realise it didn’t matter. Giving it some more thought I realised there’s another reason it’s not so important, I write fiction out of order so why not other stuff too? If I can live with writing stories out of order then I can live with this too. Besides everything else right now is all wrong anyway so it doesn’t really matter. It’s just one more thing to feel uncomfortable about. But I’m not stressing out about it or anything right now which is a nice feeling. The only bothersome thought on my mind is one which should be there, Freiburg’s game tonight with league leaders RB Leipzig.

The weekend has been a good one and pleasantly a very quiet one because the house has been a teenager free zone all weekend. I’ve always worried I would find living by myself too quiet, that the silence would get to me. Now I’m starting to feel a little differently about it. It was kind of nice. Besides having plenty of quiet time for reading there was also the fun of der Klassiker and the excitement of getting a new Jogi interview. With that and all the stickers I got at the weekend I can’t have any complaints really. My sleeping patterns are still far from perfect but there’s always going to be something that’s not quite right.

I did however get some sleep last night, too much in fact. But I’m not complaining because of the dream I had. I’m not sure if I’ve ever had  a dream with Nils Petersen in before. Not just him but also Karim Guede, Andre Schürrle and Julian Draxler. The scenario was a very strange one and had it not been for their presence it would have been a nightmare, dreams which are school based usually are. But not this time. The main event of note was some unknown person pointing out that Petersen was wearing a Freiburg shirt, which he was. Weirdly it was inside out. The person said they could tell because they could see the eagle. This makes no sense because it’s a griffin Freiburg have on their shirts, not an eagle which is what Eintracht Frankfurt have on theirs. At that point Petersen who was sitting across from me leaned over and offered his hand for a high five, saying that we were “t-shirt buddies” because I was wearing the same Freiburg shirt as him, the home red and black one.

It’s really random but then so is everything else, including the presence of Draxler and Schürrle. Had it been their fellow Wolfsburg players Max Kruse and Daniel Caliguri it would have made sense, since both of them have played for Freiburg. But I can’t work out why they would be there or what it could mean. I wonder if the money aspect has anything to do with it. Because obviously money would have been one of the chief motivators for both of them in moving to Wolfsburg. Or is it a message about being careful with your expectations of something. Because last season Wolfsburg had a great season, finishing second in the league, qualifying directly for the Champions League and winning the DFB Pokal. And they started off this season by beating Bayern in the Supercup final. So far that’s been their only major success, along with getting through to the knockout stages of the Champions League and the winter signing of Julian Draxler. The league form however has been terrible and nowhere near as good as last year. Maybe that’s the message, one good year doesn’t necessarily mean another one is going to follow.

Whatever it means and however tonight’s game goes I already have my consolation prize. Two new Jogi related clippings and some new Bundesliga stickers including the Heidenheim kits (important because of Niederlechner), Max Kruse and best of all Manuel Neuer. Just to round things off I secured a deal which will see me get Niederlechner’s Heidenheim card. I hope that’s a good omen for tonight.

Joachim Löw – Hugo Boss ad Joachim Löw – Bitburger ad 1.FC Heidenheim - Badge - Bundesliga 2015-16 sticker Max Kruse - VfL Wolfsburg - Bundesliga 2015-16 sticker Manuel Neuer - Bayern München - Bundesliga 2015-16 sticker

Mission Almost Accomplished

When I first started drafting this post I had two goals in mind, first and foremost to get my very own figurine of Bucky. I have found one and a way to get it, the only downside is that it’s not released until September. So some patience is required, but at least I definitely know I’m getting one. The second goal I had was to get a good night’s sleep, that predictably did not go so well. I did get to sleep on Thursday night, shortly after midnight, only problem is I slept most of the day as well. In the end it all worked out and I didn’t miss Freiburg’s game on Sunday but that’s besides the point. I’m not even sure what the point is anymore. I understand why I’m trying to get up every weekend but the rest of the time I have no idea. Upon finding out I can have my very own winter soldier I was quite excited about it. But I can’t help but wonder why. Why it is I need to spend so much money on what is essentially a very well crafted toy. Or why it is I spend any of the money I do on the things I buy.

I don’t know, I’m just feeling a little lost at the moment. I shouldn’t be, I should be nothing but happy right now. In the space of four days I got a Hansi video and three Jogi videos, plus a half-time interview from yesterday’s game. And most importantly of all Freiburg got their first win of 2016, beating their neighbours Sandhausen 2-0. Plus of course this Wednesday is Hansi’s birthday and I have a special post planned for him just like Jogi. There’s plenty to look forward to, more Champions League and Europa League before getting back to the Bundesliga on Friday. Yet part of me just wants to crawl back into bed and ignore everything.

What I really want to do other than that is to finish the story I’m working on, it would be nice to finish it in time for Wednesday but I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I don’t think I’m in the right kind of mood to write something so happy. I’m trying my best to focus on the positives, like the fact I just agreed a trade which sees me get the one final sticker I need to complete the Euro 2016 album. I certainly don’t want to get dragged down by any obsessive thoughts. Not about any social errors from the week past and not in relation to my upcoming cinema trip. I can’t let those thoughts and feelings take over which of course is easier said than done. I should keep Toni Kroos in mind, he’s Mr Cool because he’s unshakable, nothing gets to him or at least he doesn’t let it show. Maybe this is why I dreamed about him last week. It was funny him being in my dream because I was very excited to see him and I couldn’t hide it, I demonstrated my excitement with some very excited hand clapping. Which annoyingly is a real life trait of mine. Also baffling was the other two people in the dream. Those two people being Diego Maradona and Franco Nero who was dressed like he was in Django Unchained. I was given a suit by the former, I have no idea why or what it’s all supposed to mean.

I don’t really know what anything means, not in terms of dreams or real life. I suppose I should just try to get through the week and try not to get in any trouble. It just feels like that’s all I’m doing at the moment, moving from crisis to crisis. A lack of an overall plan of any kind is good in the sense that there’s less pressure on me but there are downsides too. The major one being that I don’t know what I’m doing or feel like I’m doing enough. I should be doing more and I know it. It sometimes seems kind of pathetic to me that getting up and dressed before lunchtime is considered an achievement of sorts these days. That I’ve gotten so far from reality and the outside world that such a thing is a big deal.

Can’t Stand Me

Can’t Stand Me

What do you find more unbearable: watching a video of yourself, or listening to a recording of your voice? Why?

The prospect of both is equally unbearable. I can’t stand the idea of all my quirks being caught on video. The idea of video footage existing of me would be bad enough but actually watching such a thing myself would be horrible. I can live with my strange little habits but not with watching them. Listening to a recording of my voice would be just as bad. I don’t want to hear just how strange I sound. That’s if I even got to hear me at all because I’m something of an accidental mimic. That is I without meaning to can pick up the accents and manner of speaking of the people around me.

I have to admit it’s quite ironic that I myself would hate to be recorded in any way because one of my favourite things to do is making Löw highlights. So whilst I’m delighting in watching and listening to Jogi or Hansi I feel quite the opposite way when it comes to me.

On the subject of Jogi I had my first Jogi dream of the year last night. Well the first one I can remember anyway. It’s not really relevant to this post other than the Jogi connection but a little randomness never hurt. The dream in question involved a football match. I don’t know who was playing or what kind of match it was. I don’t even know if I was actually there or not. It didn’t feel like I was watching it on TV but then it didn’t entirely feel like I was there either. What I do know is I was looking for Jogi. It was as if  I expected to find him in a certain place, in the section of the crowd I was searching because I was most disappointed when he turned out not to be there. I was even more disappointed I couldn’t find Hansi. Part of the problem was resolved when somehow I was pointed in the direction of the bench where sure enough Jogi was sitting. But still not Hansi. A fact which annoyed me. Until I realised what was odd about the situation. Hansi wasn’t there but neither was a certain other person meaning Jogi was sort of by himself. I say sort of because there were two people there, one either side of him but he seemed not to know that. And Andreas was there too further down on the bench.

Like I said I have no idea what type of match it was, if it was a club match or an international. So obviously I have no clue as regards the teams either and which one was Jogi’s. There’s only two further things I remember which are worth mentioning, seeing Jogi smile and seeing red shirts. The latter is of particular importance, Germany don’t wear red anymore but Freiburg do. It’s a nice thought, Jogi in charge of Freiburg, even if it’s just a dream. I like Christian Streich just fine and would not want to see him leave, but that doesn’t stop me from dreaming. There’s also an entirely rational explanation for the dream. Today I’m watching a repeat of the Stuttgart-Wolfsburg game which Jogi was at, I’ve seen the picture but don’t have video. It’s funny in that sense because Jogi of course coached Stuttgart for two seasons, so the confusion between where to look for him is explainable too.

One other random thing I have to mention. Today is Matthias Ginter’s 22nd birthday. Happy birthday Matze. And in honour of his special day some of my favourite pictures of him:

Matthias Ginter 9Matthias Ginter - BVB v S04 12Matthias Ginter - BVB v S04 9I knew Matze’s birthday was on the 19th and I definitely know this Friday is the 22nd because that’s when the Bundesliga returns. And yet I somehow forgot that his birthday was this Tuesday. It’s important because I said I would consider posting a certain story on his birthday but I said that thinking I had a week to decide. Instead I have seven hours. Typical, I spend a lot of time wishing there was no-one around so I can have some peace and quiet and now there’s no-one here I wish there someone was here so I could ask their opinion. I’ve posted quite a few of my Jogi stories by now but never a little Matze one. It would be nice since I haven’t posted any Jogi adventures in a while. The ones I’m working on at the moment are definitely not going to be put online, they most definitely come under the category of for my eyes only. I just hope someone gets back whilst it’s still daylight at least.

Vampire Jürgen and other Random Musings

Usually when I dream about a team near to a game they lose, I can think of only two exceptions to this pattern, happily on both those occasions it was Freiburg I dreamed about. I know there’s probably nothing to such things but I like making a note of them regardless, I like patterns like that. Last night it was Jürgen Klopp I dreamed about. Today Liverpool lost 2-0 to West Ham United. The pattern holds. What I don’t like is first dream of the year that I remember and it’s Klopp in it. Not Jogi, Hansi, Christian Streich or even Thomas Tuchel, but Klopp. It was I have to admit a most amusing dream. It took place at a school for vampires and Klopp himself was one, as was I. Also there was someone named Daniel. There’s three possible choices for who that could be. The real life one can be ruled out, it was definitely not him. That leaves Daniel Brühl and Daniel Siebert, the referee. I’m certain it wasn’t the former, but not entirely certain it was the latter either. It’s most disappointing that’s all I can remember, I would have loved to know what the story was. As for what the message was I don’t know. But there is one I’m choosing to take from it. If I got to bed at a decent hour and got enough sleep then maybe I would be sufficiently rested upon waking to remember more of my dreams. I don’t need to be told twice. Maintain a vampire schedule and you don’t get good dreams or to remember them. All you get is Klopp, albeit a vampire version. But go to bed at a decent hour and be rewarded with your favourite Germans, at least I hope so. In fact with how tired I feel today I could most likely happily fall asleep right now. The only reason I’m not is that there’s a repeat of an old game on later this evening that I want to see. After that I’m going straight to bed.

It’s the first of three football free weekends and it’s a very strange and disorientating experience. Combined with being tired and it only being the second day of the new year it all makes for a very confusing day. When I was watching part of Liverpool’s game earlier I got to thinking how slowly time was moving and how I never feel like that whilst watching Freiburg or Germany play. Then it’s like it’s over before I even know what’s happened, it feels like it’s just started and then all of a sudden it’s over. I feel that way about time in general, you spend a lot of time wondering where it went. Right now with there being no football on and having no fixed schedule for the weekend I feel the opposite way. Like there’s all this time to fill and I have no idea how to fill it. There’s plenty of things I could be doing. I just don’t want to do any of those things. I should be catching up on my Bundesliga posts, I need to do that before the season resumes. I can put that off for the weekend at least and get back to work on those on Monday. I also keep putting off rewatching the final two episodes of The Bridge and writing the final post about them. I’ve had enough time to do so, but I keep putting it off. It’s almost like if I don’t watch the final two episodes again then I won’t have to let go of Henrik and Saga. And I won’t have to admit that Hans is gone. I still can’t believe that. That they killed Hans off. For me that reason alone makes me wish there’s not going to be another series. Her having a new partner in the form of Henrik is one thing, but the thought of replacing Hans in anyway is unbearable.

Along with counting down the days until the season resumes I’ve been trying to work out what film to watch next. I keep thinking about Inglourious Basterds. Partly because that film is never far from my thoughts and partly because I read an article in which Tarantino said that the opening scene of that is his most favourite scene that he’s ever written. I would say it’s mine too but the truth is any line or scene he’s written that has Christoph Waltz in it is my favourite. Tarantino’s right about that, Christoph really does make his words sing. I’m not sure I could pick a favourite but if I really had to I would say the “That’s a bingo” line is the best of them all. There’s just something priceless about that scene.

The only thing holding me back from watching it is that the last time I watched it was the last but one week of the previous season. It was the night before Freiburg beat Bayern, or to be more precise since it finished so late, it was the very same day. It’s almost like a curse of some kind, I know Freiburg did beat Bayern but it didn’t matter in the end. On the other hand it seems like that’s exactly why I should watch it now, when the season is on break so I can watch it and not feel like I’m cursing anyone. Plus it would be a good time to watch it and Django Unchained, as kind of a preparation for The Hateful Eight on Friday.

I may be feeling a little lost today but at least I’m not worrying quite as much as I was yesterday. I think getting some sleep helped on that count, as did the Matze adventure I’m working on. I didn’t get enough sleep but enough to be of some help. The problem is still there and I’m still avoiding dealing with it but that’s ok for the moment. It will still be there on Monday. Right now my mind is focused on other things, I know all I’m doing is running away from it but that’s not always such a bad thing. I don’t think I come up with a solution just yet so surely it’s a good thing I’m not obsessing over it. Nor am I sure that I should allow myself to make up my mind right now, not when I’m feeling so confused. Allowing myself to be focusing on Matze and making character related decisions is not the worst thing to happen. Though it’s probably a little misleading to say I’m letting it happen, that implies I have any control in that matter. When truth is that couldn’t be further from the truth. Normally when I wake up I write whatever I can in my dream journal and I may make a few story notes if I have any random ideas. This morning I wrote a full three pages of the the beginnings of a new story for Matze. That was before doing anything else, it was after waking up and writing about the vampire dream, the third thing I did this morning. Writing the start of that story was apparently important enough to put off getting breakfast. Given how hungry I always am in the morning that means he’s pretty important then.

There are two other things which brightened up my day today besides Matze. Whilst I don’t yet know what Freiburg and Dortmund have planned for the winter break I do know that Bayern are playing Karlsuher SC in a friendly two weeks from today. So I will at least have one Saturday accounted for in the next three weeks. The other thing is something I got in the post, a very special signed picture of Hansi. I always like it when he smiles but I especially like it in this picture. I have by now quite a few pictures of him from when he was younger and active as a player, in many of them it doesn’t look like him. In this picture not only is his smile as wonderful as it always is but it looks like him too:

Hansi Flick – 1.FC Köln signed photo



Are you a sports fan? Tell us about fandom. If you’re not, tell us why not.

Much to my mother’s disappointment I think in one way or another I was always destined to be a sports fan of some kind. I grew up around two sports mad uncles who introduced me to football and Formula 1 and there was no looking back. My mother can’t complain, I mean I have three brothers, what did she expect?

Though I have to point out she’s not complaining quite so much now. Not when she gets to spend some time watching Jogi, Hansi and Thomas Tuchel. Getting her interested in the game itself, absolutely impossible. But at least now she doesn’t have to pretend quite so much to be interested.

I’ve followed a football team before, both club and country. Germany were the first country I showed an interest in but they weren’t the only one. Not so long ago I also retained a fondness for Denmark and it has to be said still do. But I never followed a Danish league team or even considered doing so. To that I went to the Bundesliga which admittedly was not the only logical choice, after all they speak German in both Austria and Switzerland but that wasn’t going to work.

It would surprise no-one who knows me that in trying to pick a team to follow I attempted to use logic to decide. A very stupid thing to do because such things are more than about logic as the process showed me. I made a list of the German teams whose existence I was aware of. If I remember correctly Bayern Munich, Borussia Dortmund, Gladbach, VfB Stuttgart and Eintracht Frankfurt were all on the initial list. As were Paderborn. Freiburg were on there but not in the way I’d like, they were on there as more of an afterthought. In a I’ll watch them when I can kind of way, because they were a Jogi team. As it turns out they had their own ideas about that.

Which is an accusation which gets thrown my way quite a bit in real life, that I only fell in love with Freiburg because they are the home team of Joachim Löw. Such an accusation has no basis in fact because it was actually Bayern I picked first. But I quickly realised it wasn’t true love, that I wasn’t particularly upset about having to miss a game here and there. And that truth is I’m a bigger fan of Manuel Neuer than the club itself. I’m more of a reluctant fan than a true one. Bayern for me are a Hansi team. But they aren’t my team.

That honour goes to Freiburg and to them alone. I made my choice on the 22nd November 2014, that day they played Mainz and drew 2-2. It was a scenario which I’ve since become accustomed with, of them taking the lead and then throwing it away just a few minutes before time. They can be frustrating that way sometimes. The same weekend I saw Bayern defeat Hoffenheim 4-0. It was during their game that I made the decision, at some point during that game I realised I was bored. When Bayern play more often that not it doesn’t feel like a competition. It’s pointless predicting who’s going to win, it’s more like guess the score. That’s not always the case, after all last season they lost to all of their closest rivals and this season to Gladbach. But still it didn’t feel right, I could watch Bayern every week guaranteed in high definition with no problems whatsoever, same for Dortmund. Yet it wasn’t right.  I’m never bored when Freiburg play, I never feel like I don’t care about the result. It’s their stadium I dream of when I daydream, it’s their fan-song that I know the tune to and am slowly learning the words to. It’s three Freiburg shirts I own, not three Bayern ones. Well I own three I can wear, I own two other very special ones. One which I bought as a lucky charm of sorts, the so called promotion shirt. And another which is just as special, it’s a match-worn shirt of former Freiburg defender Matthias Ginter:

IMG_20151002_232153IMG_20151002_232251IMG_20151222_190515IMG_20151222_190704Though Bayern are still a part of the story and I don’t mean because of Manuel Neuer. As luck would have it one of my favourite Freiburg players Nils Petersen is a former Bayern player who scored his first goal for them in a 7-0 victory over Freiburg. You just can’t make this stuff up. Truth is whether Nils Petersen had stayed or gone back to Bremen he would forever more be a legend, you don’t score a winning goal against Bayern in the 89th minute and get forgotten about. I know the victory is overshadowed by the fact they were relegated the following weekend but I can never forget the excitement of that weekend:

On the subject of videos, Manuel and Jogi, Christmas greetings from the two of them courtesy of first Sportschau and then the DFB:

To get back to how I fell in love with Freiburg that Mainz game wasn’t the first one I saw, though in a twist of fate the first I did see had the same score-line, a 2-2 draw with Hertha BSC. A little painful now given that’s where Vladimir Darida ended up. I’m happy to say that Freiburg at least won the reverse of the fixture and strangely enough Jogi was at both games. But the decision wasn’t made till the day of the Mainz game. It wasn’t a really a decision as such, more of a realisation. I mean if I were serious about being a Bayern fan how come I didn’t buy any shirts or at least some kind of fan t-shirt, I think I knew that really they weren’t for me.

Following a football team is a most curious business, equally curious is the perceptions of other people as to how and why you “chose” your team. In the first few months of being a Freiburg fan I got a lot of stick because firstly no-one had ever heard of them and secondly of course the accusation of it being part of my fascination with Jogi. So it was no surprise when they were relegated from the Bundesliga last summer that I was asked if I was going to go back to following Bayern. A question which I tried my best to answer politely. Naturally the answer was no. I wasn’t going to abandon them just because they got relegated. I know a little of their history, I know they’ve gotten relegated quite a few times, it’s a part of who they are. They can sum it up better than I can:

Schwarzwald Stadion 2With two people in particular I mind I have to point out the flaw in their logic, they say I picked Freiburg because they are a Jogi team yet they frequently say that these days I like Hansi more than Jogi. That makes no sense, if I liked him more, which I have to admit some days is true, then how come I’m not a Bayern fan? The answer, I just didn’t fall in love with them. It’s not often I use those words, not in real life anyway, but I never hesitate to say that I unreservedly love Freiburg. I don’t love them any less because they got relegated or because they had to let Roman Bürki leave or because they aren’t the autumn champions as most people assumed they were going to be this year. I love them and for me that’s enough. Normally I need some kind of reason for something, I always need to make sense of it, to deconstruct it so I can know the how and the why. Not here, not with them, watching them makes me happy and that is all I need to know. I appreciate the uncomplicated nature of it, there’s not much in my life that’s uncomplicated, a fact which is sometimes my own fault I have to say. And whilst watching them is not always an easy task, whilst I sometimes have to go troublesome lengths to see them play, they are always worth it.

They are perfectly suited for me, I don’t need to explain why but I can. One of the reasons is that they are a club with a very realistic outlook. They know who they are and what they stand for. They know what is and isn’t in the realms of possibility. They know they’re not Bayern and they don’t waste any time trying to be something and someone they’re not. This can be summed up perfectly by Christian Streich’s response to a question after the 1860 game on Sunday. He was asked if he was thinking of returning to the Bundesliga the following season, he said no, that he’s thinking only of the Bochum game after the winter break, that’s tough enough.

Now that more than year’s gone by and I’m still sticking with them I find myself on the receiving end of a different kind cf comment from the football fans I know in real life. A comment to the effect of “well at least you’re not a Bayern fan.” I take it they mean at least I just didn’t jump on the bandwagon, that is I didn’t just pick the most popular or the biggest team in the league. Like I said it’s a curious business. Especially when the comment in question comes from a Liverpool fan.

One final thing I have to mention, only now do I realise how important and ironic it is that Freiburg played Mainz the day I decided. Mainz is of course the first team Thomas Tuchel coached. It’s Thomas Tuchel who is now in charge of Dortmund, it’s he who took Roman from Freiburg, a fact which I most displeased about at the time. He has another former Freiburg player in his side too, Matthias Ginter. Two facts which mean I spend as much time watching Dortmund as I do Bayern. I know you’re not mean to like both but I can’t pick between Matze and Roman on one side and Manuel, Philipp and Thomas on the other.

What I should have said was one final relevant thing to mention because there is one more thing I have to include in this post. It’s not strictly relevant to the topic of today’s daily prompt but it most definitely belongs here. A while back as a bonus question one of them asked if you kept a notebook beside your bed and if you did to note down the very first thing you thought upon waking the next morning. That night I went to bed thinking of Manuel Neuer but ended up dreaming about Sebastian Koch. Leading me to wonder what I had to do in order to dream about Manuel. Turns out the answer to that question is thinking about Hansi Flick being in Israel. That and a very late night. I finally got my dream about Manuel Neuer but I’m not sure it’s the one I wanted. A dream in which Manuel Neuer is my one true love, sounds great, what’s the catch? The catch is in the dream I had a child with him. I blame Matze for this, as sweet and fun as he is I blame him. Bringing a child into Jogi and Hansi’s story has proved a lot of fun, that I can’t deny. But now it’s creeping into my dreams, not so much. There’s no real life message for me to take from that dream. Just a reminder to finish Matze’s Christmas adventure. If there is one thing I’m sure about it’s that children are not part of my own adventure.

A New Day & A new Hansi Dream

I said I wanted to get a good night’s sleep, when I said that I didn’t mean all day too. That’s what happened but I can’t be too mad about it, and not just because there’s no point. I’m not happy about having slept for so long. Not least because it makes my plans for tomorrow very tricky and because I feel terrible as a result of having done so. But like I said there’s no point in being angry about it, I think I must have really needed it. After all if you can sleep through construction work I think you must really be tired.

So tired in fact that I’m not watching any football tonight. I have the Friday night game on but I’m not watching it. But then I wouldn’t be enthusiastic about it even if I weren’t tired. I hate watching Hannover play. Though tonight’s kind is interesting because there are former Freiburgers on both sides. Hertha BSC have Vladimir Darida and H96 have Felix Klaus and Oliver Sorg. It’s half time and Hertha BSC are 1-0 up, excellent.

Speaking of Hannover, that’s where Germany will be playing their next home friendly, a fact which I’m still none too pleased about. That I have to have ticket from there, that I have to make a Jogi video that will be connected to that place. I hate that, having to experience any fun in the place Freiburg got relegated in. This is one of the reasons I can’t look forward to next week. Though I have to admit I am now a little bit excited to see what the new shirt will look like. I am however not getting too set on the idea that the DFB will be able to keep their promise, that it will get here in time for the game. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the events of the past two weeks it’s that I can’t get fixated on something going one way. I have to keep in mind the alternatives, to keep in mind that it may not go how I want it to go. Easier said than done, but I have to try.

So as a result I’ve gotten nothing done today, and I’m too tired to really do anything with the rest of the night. I would have liked to have caught up on my Bundesliga posts but they will have to wait. At least I got plenty done yesterday, so it kind of balances itself out.

I think it’s going to take a while to get back into any kind of routine, to be more precise a good routine. Because there is a pattern to be found in the past few weeks, but it’s not a good one. And it’s not one I want to continue. Though I have to admit it has been somewhat conducive in terms of writing. But it’s not particularly healthy or conducive in terms of everything else. I have to wonder does the other stuff matter, do I care about it? Does it matter if I can’t remember the last time I went outside, or the last time I talked to someone? Surely it’s easier to just ignore all of this. But then just because it’s easier doesn’t necessarily make it right.

All of this is exactly the kind of thing I need not to be thinking about right now. I’m hoping by writing it down that it will be off my mind. All I need to think about right now is Freiburg’s visit to Duisburg tomorrow and getting up in time to see it. I’ve got my lists and made my plans, and worrying or obsessing over this is not on any of them. So I shouldn’t be thinking about it. That’s probably some very over simplistic thinking on my part but it’s better at least than over complicating the matter as I usually do.

I may have gotten virtually nothing done today, but it is not such a bad day. Because not only do I have some new pictures of Hansi but he was in my dream. I only remember a little of it, but I’m not greedy. What I can remember is good enough. It started out with me watching a video on my laptop, it was on a website about the opening of a “Sportschule.” It was in German in the dream. There were pictures and video, and Hansi was in the video. Just when he was shown on the video, he appeared behind me. He didn’t say anything so I don’t know why I turned round or how I knew he was there. I turned round to see him standing there, he still didn’t say anything, not one word. All he did was smile, what I’ve come to call his special elf lord smile. I half got up from the floor and grabbed hold of his shirt and pulled him over so that he was sitting next to me. He didn’t object, he let me do it. The last thing I remember is him sitting next to me. Obviously I’d love to know if there was anymore to the story but having him there is enough, especially having him there sitting next to you and smiling that way. It’s a very nice thing to wake up to, and very helpful. I’m not sure I would be so forgiving of myself for having slept so long if it weren’t for this.  Even better is the fact that he was wearing a navy blue shirt in my dream, just as he is in the following pictures. Which is funny because I wrote about that shirt on Wednesday night and why it’s so special.

The new pictures from the DFB site:

csm_84101-Flick_Kamera_b201144de6 csm_84053-Hansi_Flick_e7c6b06fc4





When was the last time you wrote something by hand? What was it?

Last night was the last time I wrote something by hand, though given how late it was I think it may have technically been today. It was the latest chapter in Hansi and Matze’s current adventure, to be more precise Matze’s sticker conundrum. It’s normal for me to hand-write my notes and I like this fact very much. To me the scraps of paper with the notes and outlines for a story are as important as the finished product and I hold on to all of them.

What’s not normal is for me to hand-write the whole thing, which is what I’ve been doing at the moment. Partly because I’ve been recording so many football matches, thus my laptop is otherwise occupied. Of course I do still have my old laptop, only problem is I can’t stand the keyboard anymore, it feels different. I can’t type as fast on it and it feels slow and clumsy somehow. So as things stand I now have close to sixty hand-written pages that need to be typed up. I wish I could pay someone else to do it, I knew my handwriting wasn’t perfect. I was never under any illusions about that. But it’s only when you’re confronted with sixty odd pages of it, that you’re forced to see just how messy and unreadable it really is. I have a newfound respect for anyone who’s ever had to read any handwritten pieces of my work.

Having hard to read handwriting can certainly be helpful in deterring any would be thieves, but it’s not so helpful when you can barely decipher it yourself. Even worse is when it’s something you really want to read. Like one of the latest entries in my dream journal. Given the times you find yourself writing in such  a thing, naturally the writing is even harder to make sense of than usual. Partly because I’ve just woken up and partly because of the frantic rush to make sure you get each and every last detail down on paper. In this case it was doubly important, I didn’t want to forget any aspect of one of the most dreamiest Löw dreams I’ve ever had. I just wish I knew what I was thinking about before I went to sleep, to see if I can ever replicate the experience. Sadly I think wet shirt Jogi is doomed to be a one time special experience, much like the real life version.

Living at Extremes: From One to Löw

It’s not uncommon for people with AS to be extreme in their emotions as it is with many other things. In the same way that I either talk very little or talk a lot, am very positive or very negative, am very focused on something or completely disinterested, so it is with feelings that either I feel something very intensely or not at all. At least that’s what it seems like. I realise that the feelings most likely were there the whole time, it’s just that I only recognise them when they get to an extreme point. Another thing is that I get angry very quickly. There is no 2 to 8 on the scale, only 1 and 10. Or one and Löw as I like to say. I tend not to get a little bit angry, it’s not a question of a bad afternoon or hour. For me when something goes wrong as it did the other day, it’s the end of the world. Very quickly I went from being happy at watching the match to being angry, wanting revenge and wishing I didn’t exist.

And this was a good day, the reason for that being that it didn’t take too long to calm down and it didn’t ruin the rest of the day as it sometimes can. After ranting for a while, and after the internet problem was fixed I was calm again. But what it took to get there was not pleasant. Not so much for me but for the other person. Even when they know you don’t really mean what you are saying, it doesn’t make it any easier for them to hear and for them to say and do the right things.

What’s good about all of this is that I actually know this, and can actually understand their perspective a little. I couldn’t do this before, but writing about this kind of thing has really helped in allowing me to see what they may be feeling and thinking, to understand a little about how helpless they must feel. Writing about a scenario like this also helped me to express how I feel about it, which is something I couldn’t do verbally. It was writing about stuff like this that helped me make some sense of it. It wasn’t that match I was upset about, it’s just a friendly and is only Bayern after all. Plus I knew I might get another shot at seeing it elsewhere (which I did). It was the weekend that was bothering me, Monday to be more precise. Maybe if I hadn’t been stressed out about that I wouldn’t have reacted in such an extreme way.

To get back to the topic of how difficult it is for anyone who happens to be around, I appreciate that’s it’s not easy for them to hear any of it. But at least now I can reassure them that I really don’t mean any of what I said. And now they know that them saying anything is not helpful, that listening is all that’s required. They want to help, I get that, and it’s difficult to see someone you care about upset and not be able to do anything that you would normally do to comfort a person. So it’s important for them to know that the things they would normally do to comfort someone are most likely going to be of no use here.

Somewhat related to things being at extremes is how one day you can write four pages without even trying for an idea that you just came up with, but another piece is taking forever to finish because of one missing sentence. Eleven pages rendered temporarily useless all because you can’t figure out how to end one conversation. And then all of a sudden, you go back to it, and the sentence you were looking for appears in your head, just like that. No explanation, no logical reason. No reason at all why it should happen now and not when you wanted it to.

Usually I note random German coincidences, that is spotting German names or words in TV shows. This time it’s a Swiss connection. Two nights in a row, the show I was watching before I went to bed has featured the name Sommers. As in Yann Sommer, Borussia Mönchengladbach’s Swiss goalkeeper. And then in the show after it, the main suspect was called Roman. Plus last night I woke up the middle of the night to find an episode of CSI Miami on, the cross-over episode with CSI:NY and the first line of dialogue I heard was “what made Mr Hanover so blue?”

I wish I hadn’t heard that, I’m sure that contributed to the weird dream I had. I wish it was them who were feeling blue right now, I wish it was them who were suiting up for a promotion campaign in the 2. Bundesliga. Tonight is the night, there are zero days now left on my 2. Bundesliga count-down. It’s opening night but Freiburg aren’t playing tonight, they don’t play until Monday which is good because it means there’s still a chance that my shirt will get here before then. I both feel excited and guilty right now. Excited because finally there is some real football on and guilty for feeling excited. Regardless of how guilty I feel, I was extremely happy to hear the all so sweet opening music again, though I’m not pleased at all with the new graphics, they should bring back the flags.

Speaking of flags my very strange dream from last night had flags in it. Not the flags of all the 2.B teams as I saw tonight though, but all the flags of the 1.B teams, minus Freiburg’s and Paderborn’s. It was not the flags that made it strange, the location of the dream did that. It was a train and each person on the train had a flag to carry, and I don’t know how I know this but I know it was a ghost train. I have no clue what that is meant to mean, none whatsoever.

To get back the subject of writing, there was one very good thing about tonight, I came up with a lot of ideas during the half time break including a very conversation about vampires between Jogi and Hansi, the story I wrote it for is not one I can post online but it’s so funny that I may just try to find a way to work it into one of the ones that is.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Sleep is one-third of our lives: write a post about it. Do you love naps? Have trouble falling alseep? Wish you could remember your dreams? Remember something especially vivid? Snuggle under a blanket, or throw the windows wide open? Meditate on sleep.

A few days back there was a prompt which asked you to write an anonymous letter to a person you were jealous of, I had an idea but didn’t write about it. Because it wasn’t one specific person I wanted to write to, it was anyone who had a good night’s sleep that night or indeed any other night.

I love to sleep for if you sleep you dream and my dreams are almost always worth remembering, I have a lot of fun keeping a dream diary. But sleep is an enemy of sorts of mine. Lots of autistic people have trouble sleeping for various reasons and I’m no exception to the rule. I’ve had trouble sleeping for as long as I can remember. I just can’t switch off at night and it’s especially difficult at the moment because I’m in a particularly obsessive phase. The main problem is that if I don’t fall asleep quickly then I get frustrated and start thinking about all the things I could be doing and after a while I’ll probably end up getting up and doing some of those things, thus the cycle continues.

As for how I sleep, wrapped tightly in a blanket and a duvet, I can’t sleep any other way, regardless of the time of year. And with Hansi Flick’s boots safely within reach.

I can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep or the last time I had an uninterrupted night of sleep. The issue is not helped by the fact that I seem to be a creature of the night. This wasn’t a problem in the past, I had nowhere to be during the day, it didn’t matter that I wasn’t awake then. Now it does matter, having such a vampire schedule means no live football, no cinema trips and never spending time with anyone else.

It’s not all bad, there are lots of problems but also many good things. The prompt asks if you remember something especially vivid. Well yes, the dream I just woke up from, though it was more of a nightmare from Freiburg’s point of view, I hope it doesn’t mean anything as far as Saturday is concerned. In the dream Freiburg were playing and whatever they did the ball would just not go in the back of the net, they had a shot right in front of an open goal and they somehow missed, another one hit the post and another more spectacularly bounced off the under-side of the crossbar. It all seemed so real, the sound of the ball striking the metal frame of the goal, the collective groan of the crowd as it happened, the voice of the commentator in my ear. Despite their difficulties in front of goal, I count it as a dream and not a nightmare because it seemed like I was there and how can live football at the Schwarzwald Stadion be a nightmare?

There are also non-football related dreams that I can never forget, the Twin Peaks themed Christoph Waltz one and the plane crash in a snowy landscape which ended in being chased by Nazis to name two.

But it is the football related ones that I like the best, there are a lot of Germans in my dreams these days (and a Pole if Robert Lewandowski is there) and that’s just how I like it. I’m not going to write about my favourite Jogi dreams, I will however mention the funniest one I’ve had lately. The story of the dream itself is not so interesting so I’ll skip that and get right to the funny part, Jogi Löw wearing Lederhosen. As funny as that was it’s not actually my favourite dream from the past month or so, that honour goes to Hansi Flick. In that dream he was being Jogi, that is he was being the strange one. He was collecting football stickers and tickets and was so focused on what he was doing that he paid no attention the ticket I was trying to give him for his collection (I had to wave it in front of his face for him to notice and that took a few minutes) nor to the other person present who was making fun of his last name. I defended him of course, mostly because he’s Hansi and I would always defend him but also because I like his name very much. The dream in which ended with me hugging Roman Bürki would have been a contender for favourite of the month had the rest of it not been so nightmarish. He’s been the only Swiss player to show up in my dreams so far, here’s hoping Admir Mehmedi and Haris Seferovich join him on that list some time soon.