I had what I wanted to write all set out in my head, but when I sat down to actually write it all disappeared. I don’t even remember any of it, all I have is a vague idea of what it was about. As annoying as that is it may not be a bad thing. I’m not sure I need or want to spend a whole post ranting about what should have happened yesterday and why it didn’t go as it should have. I mean I can’t do anything about it, the change has happened and that’s that. I got upset about it (well more than upset really but there aren’t sufficient words to describe it) as expected and I’m still dealing with the fallout. I just have to deal with it.
On my mind as the title says is words, more specifically how people speak without thinking. They don’t think about what they’re saying and the impact it might have on someone else. Nor do they think about the misinformation they are spreading. There are so many misconceptions about autism you just don’t know where to start, but there are a few which keep coming up again and again. The empathy thing I wouldn’t normally get worked up about, but when it’s a so-called expert and they’re testifying in court then it’s definitely worth getting worked up about. No wonder the stereotypes in relation to autism are so prevalent when you have professionals spreading that rubbish. Equally troublesome is the assertion that if you have autism and you’re “bright” then you’ll probably be fine. Seriously where do people come up with this stuff? And do they not think about how an autistic person might feel reading that? Like I need something else to beat myself up about. It’s something I’ve unfortunately encountered before (often from people who really should know better) and fully expect to deal with it again in the future. I wish being intelligent was a predictor of success in the adult world and of a general level of functioning.
Following that logic I should be doing ok, not great but ok at least. Certainly well enough to be having some kind of life rather than hiding out in my room. This week I’ve spent more time asleep than awake and haven’t been able to deal with anything. Replying to an e-mail feels like it’s too much to tackle. Right now I feel like a helpless child, there’s really no other way to put it. I’m fond of saying that some days are more autistic than others, well this week has been a very autistic week. Nothing but routines, rituals, sensory overload and just a complete intolerance of anything which I didn’t expect or already know about. And of course the words, the thing I’m most frustrated about is how unhelpful words are right now. In their written form they’re usually my best friend but not yesterday. I know I find it impossible to ask for help or admit I don’t understand something verbally but I didn’t expect the same to be true in a conversation in written form. It just makes me feel so helpless and absolutely pathetic. Feelings which are made worse by comments like the ones above. This shouldn’t be a problem, I should be able to ask for help. After all I was able to type the several hundred words which came before that moment, why should I suddenly freeze then? And it’s not even an issue of trust, I find it just as hard with someone I know well as someone I don’t. None of this makes any sense, and I’m not going to waste any more words on it. Lucikly I have something which always makes sense, new Jogi pictures from a video courtesy of ARD:
As for the advent calendar the player in the Dortmund one is most fitting, I wish people would be as accurate and precise with their words as Julian Weigl is with his passes. The world would be a much better place if they did. Joining him from the Freiburg calendar is Spanish defender Marc Torrejon: