Advent Calendar Day 5: The Winter Darkness

It’s only day five but I’m already finding it difficult in carrying on with the task I set myself. I shouldn’t be having such problems given that I’ve kept my expectations fairly low over the past few months. Maybe that’s part of the problem, maybe I should have pushed myself to get back to writing regularly sooner. I don’t know, I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know if I should force myself to do things or if I should just ride this out. One thing I know for sure is me and Monday’s do not get on. I find it difficult getting out of bed no matter what day of the week it is but for some reason it’s worse on a Monday. Perhaps I still associate it with school and the start of another five torturous days. Whatever the reason yet another day has passed without me seeing any daylight, that can’t be an accident. It’s ironic I’ll say that, the book I’m reading is set in Iceland and they’re usually set in winter or autumn but this one is set in summer. And the main character isn’t too fond of summer, to the point where he’s hiding away in his flat with all sources of natural light hidden and covered up. You would imagine most people in Iceland can’t wait for summer because of how long the winter lasts but not Erlendur, he’s very much a winter man. I don’t live in Iceland (though I’d very much like to go) but I feel much the same way he does. I’m very fond of winter too, though I’m not enjoying this one very much. Right now I’m not really enjoying much of anything.

There are days or parts of days when everything feels like it’s fine but it never lasts, there is alway something to bring the illusion crashing down. It just feels like I’m pretending to be happy, for who or what I don’t know. The only times I feel halfway content are when I’m not alone with my thoughts, when there’s no time to think. If I talked to anyone in real life I know exactly what I’ll be told, that it’ll pass eventually and I shouldn’t dwell on it. I’m starting to get sick of doing this though, it feels like it’s all I’m doing. And that there are more bad days than good ones. Just as troublesome is what follows days like today when I get nothing done. Out of nowhere I feel like I need to do something, a sudden burst of energy which comes out of nowhere and I don’t know what to do with it. It’s what I wanted, to not feel tired. Yet it’s not a good thing, and not just because it’s an illusion. Times like that are when I end up doing something stupid, things which usually involve spending a lot of money or saying things I’ll regret later. I am at least covered on both those counts, I have no money to spend and there is no-one around to talk to at this hour. I still had to do something however with all that energy.

So instead I put an idea into practice that I’ve toying with on and off for the past few months, I moved the furniture round in my room.  It’s better than sitting around doing nothing. Of course now I have no idea what to do with myself. There’s a long time between now and the games later. All that time to fill and all I can think of is sleeping. There’s plenty I could be doing but that’s not happening, at least I don’t think so. This is what I hate the most, not knowing how I feel or if I’m really as tired as I think am. No wonder I can’t understand other people’s feelings, I can’t even make sense of my own. I don’t know what I’m doing or why, just that I have to keep doing it. Same as I have to keep writing these posts I have to keep getting up every day, even if it’s not actually daytime anymore. I have a feeling if I stop, if I allow myself to stay in bed and run away from it all then this time I won’t find my way back again. And to think  a few days from now I have to explain all of this to someone else, oh what fun that’s going to be.

Such feelings aren’t helped by the fact time feels like it’s flying by. The day and week is gone before you know it, yet at other times it feels like it’s never-ending, as if the weekend is never going to get here. It’s strange to think that the season is a few games away from being halfway over, and it’s equally strange to think tonight and tomorrow’s games are the last of the group stage of the Champions League. It just feels like it’s too soon to be the end of the year already, as if I can’t remember where all that time went. I would say nothing makes sense but them I’m not sure it ever did. I do at least have enough presence of mind to be slightly amused by who’s in Freiburg’s calendar today. The player in question is Serbian defender Aleksandr Ignjovski, the source of the amusment being the fact Gladbach’s u19 game against Barcelona is on Serbian TV but not German or English TV. Ignjovski himself is not exactly a good luck charm, he’s made four apperances for Freiburg so far this season and they’ve lost three of those games.

aleksandr-ignjovskiJoining him from the Dortmund calendar is Colombian striker Adrian Ramos:


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