Finding motivation to write isn’t always easy, tonight unfortunately it’s not a problem. I say unfortunately because my need to write doesn’t come from a good place. It’s not a sudden flash of inspiration or an attempt to work out my feelings and thoughts in a constructive way. I’m writing simply because I don’t know what else to do. There is nothing I can do about this particular issue in real life. I have someone to talk to about it but I’m sick of talking when that’s all I can do. There’s no need to discuss the matter any more. I could certainly do with a protector right now, so in that sense it’s fitting that behind door number two in the Freiburg calendar was Turkish defender Çağlar Söyüncü. He’s quickly become a firm favourite with fans and with me too. I don’t usually take to new people well, it can take a while to adjust to their presence and that goes for new players and people in real life too. But there is something about him and it’s not just his dashing good looks as the title would suggest. I just called him that before I learnt how to say his name properly and it just stuck. How could it not with pictures like this(courtesy of Freiburg’s twitter page):
Like I said it’s not just his good looks, it’s the good impression he quickly made on the pitch. Despite the language barrier he’s become a formidable force in Freiburg’s defence and whilst that still does cause some problems there’s no doubting his commitment. He makes mistakes just like everyone else but he always gives 110% when trying to fix them. In trying to fix his defensive error against Mainz he practically ended up in the back of the net along with the ball. I like that in a person, not only taking responsibility for their own actions but immediately trying to right the wrong. It’s something which seems to be lacking in a lot of people these days. It’s always someone else’s fault, some people seem to have a real problem in admitting they are the source of their own problems. It’s so frustrating dealing with a person who can never ever be wrong and who completely loses it if someone even hints they are.
I know I have trouble accepting criticism and admitting I’m wrong, it’s something I’ve been working on for quite a while. So it makes all the more frustrating when you get accused of being rigid and uncompromising by someone who refuses to deal with their own problems. If it were just the case they found me frustrating and we didn’t get on that would be the end of it. You can’t be liked by everyone and some people just can’t get on, I can accept that. What I can’t accept is the constant criticism and what’s progressed from passive-aggressive sniping to direct insults. Direct in the sense there’s no doubt they are meant for me yet they still don’t have the guts to say them to my face, which only angers me more. If someone has a problem with another person they should deal with it, not act in such a cowardly manner. I know what they’re doing, I’ve been here before. They plan on taunting me until I snap and respond aggressively, thus making me the bad guy. This is a tactic I know well from school. Despite how they’re constantly putting me down and chipping away at me I’m not going to react, it’s killing me not to but I’m not giving in.
Doing so would make me feel better in the short-term but would do nothing to help the long-term problem. I’ve already let it get to me more than I would like, having spent part of the afternoon ranting about it. That in a sense is giving in, letting the anger take over. But at least it was to someone else, I didn’t respond to any of the provocation at the time. I know it’s not always wise bottling up feelings in this way, except sometimes you don’t have any choice.
I never used to think of what happened earlier this afternoon as a meltdown, I only used to count the more physical occurrences. It wasn’t until I read more about the matter I realised this very much counts too. Of course it does, close to two hours of ranting whilst angrily pacing back and forth, only stopping to punch something when I got frustrated at not being able to get my words out or being interrupted in some way. Times like that it really doesn’t help when people try to talk over me or tell me what they think I mean, it just makes me angrier. But it’s over and done with now. I think not only did it need to happen but I had an inkling it was coming, that it’s been building up over the past few days, I just wasn’t consciously aware of it. I think it may have been the reason I finally made my bed this morning after not having done so for over a month. Maybe I knew I was going to need the comfort of a freshly made bed. Because afterwards I needed to sleep which is what usually happens. Not for the whole day though which would have ruined everything, just a short nap before Bayern’s game. Now after some sleep and having watched the game I feel a little calmer, my routine has been preserved and there’s no reason the rest of the weekend can’t proceed as planned. Of course what I didn’t foresee was the troublesome person in question once more trying to bait me into reacting. I’m pleased to say I didn’t fall for it, I felt angry and hit myself as a result but that’s all. I’m counting it as a success because it was just one moment, after all I’m writing this instead of ranting furiously about in real life. My head is quiet and I want to keep it that way.
The situation isn’t going away and I don’t have a plan as to how to deal with it yet. I need to find a way to not only resist the temptation to retaliate but also to control my own feelings. Because all that happens when I get angry is I blame myself and get even angrier. If there’s one thing know for certain it’s that I don’t need any help on that front, I can find plenty of things to reproach myself about without any help from someone else. All I know for certain is going on the attack is not an option, more aggression won’t solve anything. With that in mind I have to mention the final and second reason this post was even written at all. The question of who was lurking behind door number two in the Dortmund calendar. A player who no doubt would be the bane of Söyüncü’s existence were they to ever face off, the quick footed Ousmane Dembele who recently scored his first ever goal for Dortmund in the crazy 8-4 win over Legia Warsaw in the Champions League. Just as it’s fitting Söyüncü was today’s Freiburg player so maybe the sane is true of Dembele. Sometimes with players like him they can’t be caught and with their never ending trickiness and pace their opponents understandably get frustrated which leads to them reacting out of anger, and taking them out in a way the rules do not permit. There is always going to be a player who’s faster than you or who you can’t quite catch. How you respond to the situation is up to you. I suppose that’s enough musing for one night, to finish Dembele’s wrapper: