Retrieving the Irretrievable

I’ve had this post(or a variation of it) in my head for a few weeks but each time I sat down to write it I couldn’t do it. And the other times I didn’t even get that far, I let myself start thinking about it and all of a sudden any enthusiasm I had completely disappeared. It felt like such hard work and so pointless, so I did nothing. Which is pretty much what I’ve spent the past six weeks doing, absolutely nothing. I could say I never meant this to happen but then I never do. I don’t know where it started exactly or why. I don’t really remember any of it. When you sleep that much and you don’t keep a regular schedule the days just sort of blur together, until soon enough there may as well not be such a thing as days of the week. It’s all the same. You don’t care what day it is. The only thing you care about is being left alone and not being around anyone else. With that in mind I haven’t seen a lot of daylight these past few weeks, not actually in the week anyway. Only at the weekends have I been reliably up and awake in the daytime, and only then because I could never forgive myself if I missed a game. I may not have liked myself very much during these past few weeks or seen the point in being awake or really living at all but I can’t do that. If there’s one thing I can’t do it’s that. Screw that up and my self loathing will be taken to a whole new level. I may let myself down and disappoint the people around me in real life but I’m not missing a game.

If I’ve counted right last week’s game was the 75th I’ve seen in a row of Freiburg’s and the 78th in total, not counting friendlies and old games I’ve seen repeats of. It would be a shame to ruin that just because I don’t want to get out of bed and face the world. I don’t have to face the outside world or deal with other people, but I do have to see them play come this Saturday. There are four games left between now and Christmas, a trip to Leverkusen, home to Darmstadt, away at Schalke and finally away to Ingolstadt. I should be unhappy they’re not finishing the year at home but I’m not, even though it’s not a Sunday they’re playing on I’m still glad in a sense they’re away. It’s nothing like that Christmas, they aren’t even close to being in danger of spending the holiday break in the bottom two. Doesn’t mean I can forget it though. Of course that’s partly my own fault, writing that stupid story about Jogi and Christmas hats.

As I mentioned above the previous times I tried to write this post or any post at all it didn’t go so well. I didn’t even get as far as typing the title in fact which is stupid because that’s the one thing I did know. I knew more or less what I wanted to write about too, it’s just the words wouldn’t come out. So I don’t think it was writer’s block, not really. It’s been similar with my stories too. It’s not a lack of ideas, it’s actually putting the words down on paper. Of course with them I have a slightly different problem in the sense I have plenty of notes yet little actual story to show for it. It seems that’s all I’ve been able to do, make notes and come up with potential ideas but not actually use any of them. That part of the process has been a lot slower than I’d like.

I know I shouldn’t beat myself up about that but I still do. Just like I do with everything else. It’s the so-called Enke problem, in the morning you don’t feel like you can do anything and so don’t try to do anything, then in the evening you beat yourself up for not having achieved anything. Despite how the past few weeks have gone that’s not what the title refers to. True I can’t get any of that wasted time back but I’ve lost something far more precious than time. There’s plenty of more time but there won’t be another one of this story. I still don’t understand how it happened, how I could be so careless. I’ve looked absolutely everywhere for it, at least in the virtual sense. I’ve checked each of my laptops, the desktop PC, all four of my external hard-drives and all the USB pen-drives I could find. Which leaves me with only one conclusion to come to. Either it’s gone forever and I really don’t have a back-up, or I’ve lost the USB drive in question. Two weeks later and I’ve stopped looking for it. I’ve not stopped thinking about it but I’ve stopped actively searching. The main reason being I’ve started thinking maybe I’m not meant to find it.

The story in question is partly centered around Klinsi because the majority of it took place during the international break in mid summer 2015, when Germany played the USA. And now of course Klinsi isn’t in charge of the USA team anymore, hence why I think it’s kind of fitting in a way that I’ve lost it. Yet at the same time it makes me want to find it more, as if it’s all that’s left of those memories. There is one place I haven’t looked yet, I haven’t checked my notebooks to see how much if any of it I hand-wrote. I’m not sure I even want to look. Maybe it’s better not to know. I remember my favourite moment from the story, maybe I should just leave it at that. I have to say it does feel strange, to remember a moment which didn’t even actually happen to begin with. Not just remember it but actually picture it. To actually see in my head Jogi wearing that blue shirt and Hansi helping him out of it, but for innocent reasons for once. Just so he could put on a white shirt because the blue one made him sad. As Jogi put it “You were there, he was there, but it didn’t rain.”

I could probably rewrite large parts of it from memory alone, though with how much else I’ve got to catch up on adding something else to the list probably isn’t wise. Perhaps the past is best left alone. On the subject of writing I am glad at least that I finally wrote this post. Whether it makes sense or not I needed to write it. I need to get back into some kind of routine and writing forms an important part of that. I need to get outside of my own head and the timing could not be better. I had no real plans for the rest of this year but one thing I just assumed I would be doing is the advent calendar posts. Though disappointingly there’s only two calendars this year, a Freiburg and Dortmund one, no DFB one. I don’t know if I can stick to a post a day but I plan on trying at least.

Even though I’m annoyed with having taken so long to post something in retrospect I’m glad. It’s better to have waited for all the craziness to have passed and eventually faded away. I think had I written something last Friday in particular then the end result would be a lot angrier and messier than I’d be happy with. And that would have been true even before that disastrous defeat to RBL, I was in a bad mood even before the game. It’s nothing new, just the same old troublesome problems, finding it difficult to deal with change, trouble with understanding other people and their motivations and of course the ever present thoughts of death. It’s just they were a little bit more troublesome than usual. What made it all the more disturbing is I actually planned on writing about it, not like this but in a fictional sense. I had this image in my head of one my characters hanging themselves and being found by their father. It was something that came to me in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep, seemingly out of nowhere. Usually when a story starts from a moment like that I think it’s a great thing, I love it when something begins that way, it’s usually the very best stories which start with just a little moment or a fragment of one. But not this time, this was just disturbing. As strange as it sounds I’m more upset by the thought I wanted to hurt Matze than I am at having similar thoughts about myself. I don’t know quite what to make of that, the idea I care more about him than myself. I mean he doesn’t even exist, I really don’t know what to think.

4 responses to “Retrieving the Irretrievable

  1. A thoughtless break… Not really a bad idea.
    Just a passing phase …
    Onto better things now?

    A lull before a storm of activity, creativity?

  2. It ALWAYS gets better. Have faith in you!
    Try something new everyday: a walk, a book, a friend, a hobby… And keep your sights on your goal.

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