I’ve put off writing this post or really any post, I figure I’m going to have to get over this at some point and today is a good day as any. I meant to write it yesterday on the first of the three important Sundays but that never going to happen. I was never going to watch four matches in one day and write something. I may be frustrated at myself for not doing so but at least the games were good, the Super Cup in particular. Dortmund losing was disappointing but at least it was a real spectacle, it’s a sign of even better things to come. A sign that their encounters this season will be a real contest and nothing like their first game against Bayern last season.
It doesn’t really matter anyway, I was already annoyed at myself, it’s just one more reason in a long line of them. But enough of that now, the summer is almost over and I’m done hiding and avoiding everything. Which is pretty much all I’ve done the past few weeks. I’ve not really wanted to do anything. Yesterday’s word was complicated, that wouldn’t have really worked. There’s nothing complicated about this, just my annual summer darkness. You think I’d be used to it by now, but it still took me by surprise. This summer it really shouldn’t have, realistically it’s all I had to look forward to. At least I’m not confused by it anymore, I’m not wasting anytime obsessing over it and trying to work out why. The reasons why aren’t important, dealing with it is. And I’ve done that now, though not without having annoyed and hurt some people in the process. Though I think the latter was always going to happen. I’m not even sure it was something I did. I think it may have been a friendship coming to it’s natural end. I mean nothing lasts forever, does it?
What happened isn’t especially important, not since I’m sure it would have happened whatever I did. I think there was no right thing to do. What is important is the fact I’m not that bothered by it. Rather than being upset by the potential loss of a friend I’m relieved. It’s just one less person I have to talk to. I’m aware that’s not necessarily a good way to think, maybe I’m not quite done with getting out from under the darkness. Or maybe I’m just too tired to care. Either way I’m glad I’m not obligated to talk to anyone for the moment.
I thought that other people were part of the problem and in a sense they are. But as much as I hate to admit it they’re also part of the solution. Talking to people is what makes me anxious yet not talking to them makes for kind of a lonely experience. I can see that but I don’t know how to fix it. And to think I thought of getting rid of my characters. I thought about what would happen if I stopped writing. That was a stupid idea, all that would achieve is making me even lonelier and it wouldn’t solve anything. Plus then I’d have a lot of free time to fill. It’s probably the most constructive of my obsessions right now. It’s better than spending the day playing Dead Island anyway. Which is how I almost ended up spending the day. That however would have been a waste, I’ve got two whole days in which I have the house to myself. I’m not wasting them gaming. Instead I’ve been reading and enjoying the silence. It’s the first time for a while I’ve gotten close to getting through a book in a day. It’s nice to have peace and quiet and no other people around, it’s even nicer to not have to stay up all night just to get that.
And now I’m rambling, though I’ve probably done that the whole post. I really am out of practice, I should never have let myself get out of the habit. But now everything is close to getting back to normal. The summer is coming to an end, the Super Cup has been played, this weekend is the first round of the DFB Pokal and then finally the most important Sunday of all. The day I’ve been waiting for since the very first day of summer, Sunday the 28th of August when Freiburg play Hertha Berlin, their first game back in the Bundesliga. It’s the first time all summer where I actually feel like I’m looking forward to it. I’ve been waiting for the day when everything would start feeling right again and now the pieces are starting to fall into place. How could things not feel that way when I got to see Nils Petersen in a German shirt and scoring not one goal but five. There’s been many disappointing things about this summer, Nils Petersen has not been one of them: