Out of Practice

Ever since the last international break before the tournament started I haven’t written anything for the daily prompt, or really anything of significance online at all. I’ve written plenty offline which eases my guilt somewhat but it doesn’t help with how uneasy I feel at the prospect of getting back into the habit. I don’t like change and so long have I gone without writing something online that it almost feels new. I can’t lie, I haven’t given the daily prompt a second thought until a few days ago when I dreamt about it. In the dream I was writing about a dream I had in which Manuel Neuer appeared for a prompt. I never got to find out what the dream was about but it got me thinking.  Since the tournament started I haven’t been sleeping very well and I wonder if it’s related to not writing anything. I usually use the daily prompt to rant about random things and get anything that’s been bothering me off my mind. Add that to not having talked to anyone about something other than football the past month or so and I may have my answer.

I’m not even sure what I want to write about right now. I thought I might get some idea what I started, it happens that way sometimes. I don’t really have anything to rant about right now, well other than the fact that Freiburg will both start and end their season away from home this year. Even worse they’ll start their season in Berlin which is where they ended it, then they lost 2-1 to Union Berlin. This time they’ll be visiting Hertha BSC instead but still, I’d rather it be someone else.  Funnily enough they’re doubly unlucky on that count having been drawn with a team by the name of SV Babelsberg 03 in the first round of the DFB Pokal, a team who hail from Berlin of all places. But all of that is still a long way off, first the tournament has to end and more importantly Germany have to face Italy later tonight. Which is the reason I’m still awake right now. I can’t help but get ahead of myself and think of the next round which I really don’t want to do. Not because I don’t have faith in them, I just don’t want to curse them. Which is why I bet on Iceland instead.

I’ve never been a big fan of placing money on games but I felt like I had to, I accurately predicted Iceland would beat England but didn’t put any money on it. Seeing how much I could have made had I done so was very annoying indeed. Thus all I have from that game is the pleasure of having been right. That and getting to put some very arrogant England fans in their place. It annoyed me how they could just assume England could and would beat Iceland.  There’s nothing wrong with self-confidence but arrogance is not attractive at all. Even less so when you consider England’s tournament record. Their fans should really be a little more realistic, not to mention respectful of their opponents. I guess being a fan of a so-called small team makes me a little more sensitive to such things.

I have no idea what my point is, or what if anything is on my mind. I really am out of practice, I mean it’s taken until the third paragraph to even find where the word pleasure fits in to my post. I am in a very obsessive phase right now, if it’s not football related then I can’t think about it. Which is ironic because I wasn’t looking forward to this tournament at all. And I still can’t really say I’m enjoying it, a large part of my time is spent worrying something is going to go wrong, something worse than just losing a game. Which may also be related to why I completely put the daily prompt out of my mind. If I didn’t write anything which required any reflection then I wouldn’t have to confront what I’m worrying about.

Though I have to admit real life isn’t much better either. I know I’m using the tournament as an excuse not to deal with stuff that’s going on in real life. Wherever I am I’m running way from something in some way. Except in real life it’s worse because I’m hurting someone else’s feelings as well. I can’t just tell the truth because I’m not quite sure what the truth is.  I was told if I missed the person in question I would do something about it to fix all this. I’m not sure that I do miss them and even if I did it’s balanced out by the sheer relief I feel at knowing I don’t have to make the effort to talk to them or anyone else. Which is probably not a good enough reason for ignoring people or cutting someone out of your life.  Nor am I sure if that makes me a bad person or not, to feel relieved at knowing there won’t be any e-mails of that nature for me to deal with. Surely given that I’m actively avoiding seeing other people I have no right to complain if I felt lonely. Though I’m not sure I do. I’ve allowed the stories I’m working on to take over to such an extent that I spend more time thinking about them than I do any person in real life. As long as I’ve got a character to talk to or work out dialogue for I don’t think I do feel lonely. But even if I did it’s balanced out by the fact that they don’t make me feel anxious. They aren’t going to unnerve me by saying or doing something unexpected.

I feel like maybe I’m running from something bigger, that it’s about more than just being unable to deal with other people. Like maybe I’m running away from the fact I don’t actually want to do anything. In eight days the tournament will be over and with it will end my obsessive charting of the team throughout it. Meaning I’ll have to find some other way to spend my time, I won’t have such an all-consuming excuse not to deal with reality.  It’s strange I haven’t written anything recently, not least because a few weeks ago was the two-year anniversary of my blog. Two years are a long time, in particular it’s a long time for me to stick with something. And I don’t just mean the blog.

Since then I’ve had the same special interest and that is unusual. By rights I should have gotten bored by now and abandoned them for something or someone else. There’s been several points where it could have happened and it didn’t, and I can’t figure out why. After it’s clear an obsession is going to stick around for a while I start to wonder what the next one will be. They tend to be connected in some way or to at least lead into each other. But I can’t see what could come from this or where it could lead to. Is it possible I could make a clean break and have a completely new kind of obsession? Or maybe not have an obsession at all, though that would no doubt mean having some kind of life in the real world and I’m not sure I’m made for that. Which begs the question what am I made for? And brings up a very old question, whether or not obsessions truly bring me or any other autistic person pleasure or if they just entrap us. My feelings are so mixed up right now I’m not sure what’s fun anymore, everything feels like just another obligation. I’m doing things because I have no clue what else to do, rather than because it’s what I want to do.

I read an article the other day which consisted of several autistic people sharing their experiences and detailing how great it was to have autism and all the good things about it. One of them actually used the word awesome and said they felt sorry for NTs who couldn’t experience the world they do. Just why in the world would you feel sorry for them? For their ability to start a conversation without worrying if they’re going to get the words out in the right order, or even be able to speak at all? Or to step outside their own house without needing military like planning and a schedule which covers every possible eventuality, though even that isn’t enough. It still doesn’t stop you from feeling anxious until you get back inside again. Making your peace with being autistic and realising you have to accept it is one thing, but being happy about it, being proud, that’s just messed up.

And then you read stuff from parents about how rich their child’s inner world must be and if only they could share it with them. But they can’t can they, because they have autism. And if they didn’t they probably wouldn’t need such a rich inner world to escape to in the first place. It’s kind of ironic you have to admit, that they talk about how rich an autistic person’s inner world must be when all I can think is how do you be part of this one. I don’t want to need to have such an inner world to start with. If I didn’t find the real world so threatening I wouldn’t need another world to escape to. I know the world inside my head very well, I spend almost all of my time there. Because no-one judges me there, I don’t have to worry about making mistakes or being too strange. I’m never made to feel unwelcome just for the crime of being myself.  And now I actually am ranting, it seems I found something to rant about after all. It’s probably a good place to end this post, I don’t see myself getting to a point anytime soon.

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