It takes a lot of effort to fake being normal, or to be more precise something approaching normal. Because I’m not sure I could pull off normal, just an approximation of it. Right now I don’t have a lot of energy, so I couldn’t pretend to be normal even if I wanted to. I always thought that true friendship meant being able to be yourself with someone else, not feeling like you’re pretending to be someone or something you’re not.Lately it feels that way all the time. Like I’m pretending to be something I’m not. Not in regards to just friends but a lot of other things too. I’m not sure if I want things because I want them or because it’s what other people think I should want. I don’t really know what I’m doing or what I want. I think I might be a little too easily pleased. I don’t seem to care about the things people think I should care about. But does that make me wrong? Just because my concept of happiness is different to theirs?
I read a lot of stuff online about autism, in particular I find it interesting (and sometimes infuriating) to read the perspective of parents who have autistic children. One point in particular I find interesting is those parents who say their child who doesn’t care about the outside world and how they are perceived is happier than the one who does care and who can understand or show an interest in such things. I sometimes like spending time with other people but at the same time I question on whether it’s worth it or not. I always get so stressed out over it and usually obsess over something I think I got wrong. This week I don’t have to spend time with anyone, I’m putting off dealing with anything social related. And I have to admit I do feel a lot happier knowing I don’t have to make conversation with anyone or talk out loud at all unless I want to. Last week I went to the cinema with someone and it might have been a mistake, not going out, the spending time with someone else. I had no energy reserves to be anything but myself and now I’m worried I may have been myself a little too much. Which kind of makes my point really. All of this is reminding me of a badge I got for Christmas a few years ago. It reads “I live in my own little world but don’t worry, people know me here.”
It’s not that my own little world feels more real than the world outside, it doesn’t. But the real world doesn’t feel real either. And other times when I’m stressed out the world feels too real. I think when all is said and done I’m probably better off with my characters. They don’t say anything I don’t want them to. Right now I’m working on a very amusing Jogi chapter, one inspired by the events last night. The event in question was the Laureus Sport Awards, I didn’t get to see them live because Freiburg played last night. Being my usual obsessive self I like to record two copies of the game when it’s showing on two different channels. Whichever I watched it would have felt wrong, but I’m glad it was the second showing of the game I chose. The reason being they talked about Jogi on the pre-match show and showed a picture of him which is new to me. The reason they mentioned him is because Freiburg played Eintracht Braunschweig. Freiburg have an excellent record against them, in fact the last time they lost to them was in 1986. When one Joachim Löw was playing for Freiburg. He played in both games against them in the 1985/86 season.and here’s the really amusing twist. In the home game the final score was 2-2, the second goal being scored by Jogi. It’s funny because this season’s game at home finished 2-2 as well, though in less amusing circumstances, defender Mensur Mujdza scored an own goal.
I’m not sure if there are any good things about autism, I think it may be a matter of perspective. I think I may have hit upon one here though, on one hand you could see it as being too easily pleased. On the other hand you could see it as enjoying the little things, about being able to derive enjoyment from and notice things that go unnoticed by most people. Like I said a matter of perspective. I know that I do enjoy the little things, I live for small bits of trivia like that. In fact it’s the so called small things which often provide the beginning of a story. Like last night, Jogi being sang to by Bill Murray. No way could I resist writing about Hansi finding the whole situation amusing and calling Jogi “Yogi Bear.” I think this post is a little all over the place, even more than usual. I can’t help it, I really did love the video and now I can’t get the Yogi Bear song out of my head. So I’ll finish with the video in question and some of my new pictures: