Tricky

Real life is tricky, it’s probably why I don’t engage with it that often. Well that and how completely overwhelming and unpredictable it often is. I’m almost two years into my current obsession and I have all my alternate universes all worked out by now, the main one and all of it’s variants. I remember a comment from  a person whom I no longer see quite so much these days. Essentially their point was that they find my alternate universes curious but not in a bad way. That’s fine, at least they didn’t call me crazy. But then they went on to say that they kind of envied me from being so detached from reality. From not having to worry about all the regular stuff like money, bills, work and kids and whatever else people worry about. I can’t lie, that really hurt. It hurt because first off I’m not quite so detached from reality that I don’t worry about stuff too. It’s because I worry about stuff that I retreat into those worlds. Nor is it the case that just because I don’t live by myself I don’t have anything to worry about. It’s true that I’m freer in a financial sense but I still worry. I worry endlessly about the amount of stuff other people do for me and about being a financial burden on those people.

Secondly I kind of envy them. Not just for being able to live by themselves and because they have a job but because of how carefree they are. Maybe that’s not the right word but I’m not sure what the word is. What I’m trying to say is they don’t need everything planned out like I do. For example when they went to mainland Europe a few summers ago they ended up in Austria. It wasn’t part of their trip, they just ended up there. I envy that, being so flexible as be able to deal with that sort of thing. I can’t even begin to think of taking the trip to begin with. We certainly could never have taken a trip together. Me with my need for military style precision planning and them liking to just go with the flow. How were we ever friends again?

I think the evening I spent with them perfectly illustrates why it just wouldn’t work. It was a completely overwhelming experience. When I have a movie night planned it’s very organized. Not like it used to be, it’s not quite as rigidly planned as before. Now instead of everything fixed in place beforehand there are a fixed number of choices instead. So I know what could happen, I know all the possible options, they never change. That’s not how they do movie night, it’s more of a make it up as you go along sort of thing. I thought it wouldn’t be so bad, they were my friend and I trusted them. It should be fine, right? It just shows how naive I am. Of course it wasn’t fine. What was I thinking, that I could just leave that part of autism at home for the day. It’s not a question of just being able to trust someone. If that were true I wouldn’t get anxious about people showing up on time. Because I trust them to show up, yet I’m still anxious.

I’m not even meant to be thinking about anything like this right now and I wasn’t until I read something online. The internet is truly both a godsend and a curse. I was doing just fine until I read that, a little overexcited perhaps because of tonight’s game but then who isn’t? I think for once I can say I’m normal on this count. Being overexcited at what they’re dubbing “El Kloppico” is completely normal. Last night was thrilling enough, seeing Wolfsburg defy the odds and beat Real Madrid 2-0. There was some luck involved with that penalty but they can take all the credit for the second goal and for keeping it 2-0. I don’t particularly like Wolfsburg and I felt like I should be rooting for Real Madrid since they have Toni Kroos but I find it impossible to root for a team that has Ronaldo in it.

The only thing to distract me from the excitement about tonight’s game is related to a show which I promised I wouldn’t watch the rest of and I’m keeping that promise. My mother made me promise not to watch it because I got too angry about it. I’m sticking to my word but she didn’t say I couldn’t read about it online. As it turns out I shouldn’t have done that either. It’s what I read which has me obsessing over all this now. Parents like the show because it focuses on the positives and shows that their kids could potentially be an asset in the workplace. All good, nothing wrong with that. So why am I bothered? Because I started thinking about what I’m good at, what makes me useful. What can I say, it’s a short list. Even if a person does have good points or positives, what happens when the difficulties or negatives outweigh the positives? When a person is too anxious and afraid to make use of any skills they have?

But then as always I’m getting ahead of myself, thinking about what I could potentially do for a living when right now just leaving the house is a difficult task. I can’t even reliably do that. All of this just seems so impossible. What am I so afraid of? Just about everything. On the matter of being afraid I certainly have a challenge in this regard a few weeks from now. Captain America: Civil War is released at the end of the month and I have a very special ticket indeed. I don’t only have a ticket for the film but for a triple-bill, a special showing of all three Captain America films. The snag to this is the time, there are no trains that time of the night. I have to spend the night in the city, sleeping over in a hotel. Not alone of course, I’ve found someone to take me. They’re doing so willingly, I guess the offer of free Captain America tickets was enough to offset the inconvenience of having to chaperone me somewhere. It’s potentially one of the best things I’ll ever get to experience, three films with Bucky in back to back. Almost seven hours of Sebastian Stan, well not quite since he’s not the main character but still a lot of him. Yet at the same time it could be the worst. I don’t do well sleeping in strange places, there’s a good chance I won’t get any sleep at all. Just to make it worse Freiburg are playing the day after, so staying up all night is not the best idea. I’m excited about the films but I can’t believe I agreed to this, I guess I’ll only find out how much of a bad idea it is on the day.

One response to “Tricky

  1. Pingback: NaPoWriMo – Day 7 – “The Endless Beauty Of An Authentic Voice” by David Ellis | toofulltowrite (I've started so I'll finish)

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