On the edge of what? Greatness, doing something stupid or as the title says absolutely nothing at all. I would say the latter is true but then I’m not actually on the edge of nothing, rather I’m right in the middle of it. But it’s not a bad thing. It’s the first time in the past seven days I’m not on edge about something. I wouldn’t say I feel relaxed but at least I’m not freaking out about anything. The past seven days I’ve only written one post, the rest has been pictures and videos which isn’t actually unusual for an international week. But it wasn’t a lack of time which resulted in such a thing. It was more I didn’t want to write anything for fear I would end up writing about what I’ve been trying not to think about. Not only that but I haven’t found the daily prompts particularly helpful these past few days. Price, nerve, help and then fearless. With that last one especially it started to feel like the prompt was mocking me. So I refrained from writing anything, at least online anyway. As well as not writing anything it’s as if the past few days I haven’t allowed myself to feel anything either. I didn’t want to deal with the fact that I was worried about Saturday night or maybe I just didn’t know how to deal with it. Either way I just ignored it, not pretending that everything fine exactly, just pretending that it’s not there. That delusion lasted only as far as the pre-match show because they showed match footage from the game in France. I wish they would stop doing that, I don’t need to keep hearing those explosions over and over again. I get that they have to talk about it but why do they need to keep showing the footage? It’s the first (and hopefully the last) time I’ll watch a German pre-match show with headphones in so I didn’t have to hear anymore of it.
Naturally Tuesday’s events made me worry all the more, not even the reassurance from the security services and the heavy police presence was of any help. They said there was no specific threat but then they said that last time. The only time I could and did stop worrying was once the whole thing ended. They lost which sucks, but it’s not my main concern. That’s not something I say often but I really mean it. For once having lost is not the biggest concern. I’m just glad that nothing bad happened. And so this isn’t all negative I’m glad I got to witness this moment, it’s strange a favourite Jogi GIF and Hansi has nothing to do with it:
I’m not sure I handled the past week especially well, burying any feelings of concern I had most likely wasn’t the best way to proceed. Maybe if I hadn’t reacted that way I wouldn’t have gotten so angry Saturday night or upset and angry again last night. But I’m not dwelling too much on it, maybe it was necessary. After all if I hadn’t gotten the anger out then my head wouldn’t be feeling so empty now. I’m just glad I’m writing this now, after I’ve calmed down and not a few hours earlier. I was still feeling sorry for myself then, obsessing over the stupid things I think about after I’ve gotten angry. Thoughts of death can be scary, especially when they get so specific so quickly and they sound entirely plausible. In one way it’s a good lesson about not acting on impulses and thinking things through, at the same time it makes the matter more confusing. Because how am I meant to know which of my feelings I can trust? I feel like I’ve written these exact same words before. Even if I haven’t I at least know I’ve written about the matter before. Which would suggest I’ve learnt nothing from previous experiences, each time it’s like I need to remind myself of how to deal with this. In a perfect world it wouldn’t happen again but I know I’d be dreaming to think like that.
It’s almost five in the morning now and getting back to sleep is probably not going to happen. Rather than waste any time trying I’m going to do what was so helpful earlier, lie here and listen to the rain outside whilst reading the book I just started. It’s called Football Dynamo and as the title suggests it’s about Russian football. I just finished reading a book about a writer traveling through Russia which I found fascinating and wanted to read something else Russian related. Unfortunately all the rest of my Russia related books are about Communism or Stalingrad, not exactly light reading for a lazy morning in bed. So Russian football it is then.