It feels like I’m always playing catch-up at the moment in regards to pretty much everything. In the main I feel like I’m always catching up on sleep. But you can’t do that forever. If you keep saying I’ll catch up next week eventually there won’t be a next week. The longer you let it go on for the bigger the pile of things to catch up on gets. I know that and yet I still can’t snap out of it. All my projects start out well and they all end the same way. That is they don’t really end at all, I just fall behind and never catch up. I slowly stop working on them and never get back to it.
I don’t want that to happen here, I want to finish this one at least. Even if it’s late, I still want to complete it. This month would be perfect to knuckle down and start working through the backlog. It is after all an international month, Germany have two friendlies at the end of the month. It would be great to get at least halfway through the backlog by then. If I made sure there were no distractions surely I could at least do that. On the subject of distractions avoiding any more friendship related drama is necessary on this count. It would be a good thing anyway but becomes more important in this context.
It’s not just sleep I’m catching up on, in a way it’s time itself. Only now are the events of last week becoming clear to me. Though I have to admit I had some help. Rather than me endlessly obsessing over it I talked it through with someone, a person whom in comparison to me is a responsible adult. Evidently they are someone who has a better understanding of people and relationships than I do. It’s a conversation which was a post-match analysis of sorts. Looking at what happened, what could have gone better and how I could have acted differently to bring that about. Not only that but they took the time to explain why it went the way it did. To explain it’s not what I said but how I said it. To get to the point I was too blunt about it and perhaps a little insensitive. There’s nothing wrong with sharing your feelings, especially when you’ve been asked to but you still have to consider how what you’re saying could affect someone else.
I won’t lie, it still doesn’t really make much sense to me but at least I know I was wrong and why. It’s far better and more constructive than me obsessing over it by myself. I guess accepting help from other people isn’t always a bad thing. I’m no less confused about everything else but at least that’s not bothering me. One of the reasons I’m feeling a little out of sorts this week is because it’s “die englische Woche” as the Germans call it, meaning there’s midweek games. In fact this week there’s football on every night of the week if you count the regional league game that was on Monday night. This afternoon is a homecoming of sorts for Freiburg goalkeeper Alexander Schwolow because they’re visiting newly promoted Arminia Bielefeld which is the team he spent last season on loan at, helping them win promotion to the second tier and getting to the quarter finals of the DFB Pokal. Funnily enough one of the teams they knocked out was Gladbach, funny because at the time the team contained former Freiburg striker Max Kruse.
Freiburg are back to winning ways, after getting off to a bad start losing their firsts two, they went on to win the following two games. Still Bielefeld might prove to be a tough challenge, they certainly did when they visited the Schwarzwald Stadion. The final score was 2-2 and only because of a last minute goal by Lucas Hufnagel. Bielefeld may be small and are hovering just above the relegation battle but they are not to be taken for granted.
Whilst I’m not obsessing over what happened last week there is one thought troubling me. I mean one other than what game to watch tonight, I’m having trouble picking between Bayern v Mainz and Darmstadt v Dortmund. Besides that I’m wondering what the point is in having friends at all. That’s probably not the right way to put it. I think it’s better to say I’m thinking that not having friends can make for a lonely experience but having them can cause as many problems as it solves. Maybe I’m just not cut out for it. This friendship is going the exact same way as the one that came before it. It took a step too close to becoming something more and I couldn’t deal with that. After the previous friendship ended I spent close to a year not really spending time with anyone. Maybe that’s what I need, some time alone. Maybe I’m just burnt out and need some recharging time. I’ve wondered sometimes how all of this would work if I ever got to live by myself. I doubt then I would have any energy or resources left over for something as far down the list as social time. It’s something that may have to be sacrificed anyway.