Naked with Black Socks
Are you comfortable in front of people, or does the idea of public speaking make you want to hide in the bathroom? Why?
Well this prompt certainly didn’t live up to my expectations, as Comic Book Guy would say “Most misleading title ever.” I guess I won’t be writing any Jogi adventures from this prompt.
Anyhow, to the point. The idea of me being comfortable in front of anyone is laughable. As for public speaking, forget it. Talking to someone I don’t know is enough to strike the fear of god into me. The one time I did anything close to public speaking I failed, literally. It was a presentation I had to give as part of my English coursework in my last year of school. I got a D, the reasons why are all too predictable. Talking too fast, unintelligible speech, lack of eye contact and way too much detail. Stupid thing about that part of the coursework is they make no allowances. It counts as 20% of your grade regardless of the circumstances. Even if you have a disability which affects your ability to communicate. Inclusion only goes so far it would seem. But then that’s another rant entirely.
I got a reminder today of how little progress I’ve made on that front, I knew I was right, the amount made no sense. I tried to challenge it the first time and got a stupid answer back. I should have tried again, I should have argued with them. I knew I was right, it’s not about the money, it was just a small amount of money. It’s the principle. And it’s about me being able to speak up for myself. As angry as I am about my failure on that count today wasn’t a total bust, I did surprise myself by showing some flexibility. I did so by changing my mind about what film to see. I went out set on seeing The Big Short but ended up seeing The Danish Girl. I did so for three reasons I think. First I thought the former would make me angry given what it’s about and I didn’t want to have that kind of day, second the Germans always win (Sebastian Koch is in The Danish Girl) and thirdly I felt like seeing a romantic type of film. It’s the third one which is most interesting, I don’t like romance in films, whether it’s a drama or a comedy. It’s not something I normally enjoy, yet more and more I find myself watching such things. I blame Jogi and Hansi for this. And the person who introduced me to Bucky fan fiction.
I’m trying my best not to obsess over it, I really am. In an effort to cheer myself up and distract myself I’m watching Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Not just because it’s the next film on the pile to watch but because I know it almost word for word. Familiar is good right now, words I know are good. Though I can’t help be a little frustrated. I keep thinking about the pages I wrote last night before I went to bed, point is how is it that I can write the stories I write and yet not be able to stand up for myself.