Reason to Believe
In Reason to Believe, Bruce Springsteen sings, “At the end of every hard-earned day / people find some reason to believe.” What’s your reason to believe?
The first thing that came to mind is the idea that one day all of this might make sense. After a late night and some video related frustrations (which thankfully have now been resolved) I was not in a good mood at all. Last night I was already starting to wonder what the point of anything is, the video problems made it all the worse. But then thinking of how I should be grateful I could see the game at all I snapped out of it. Not to mention the fact that it was just a friendly, I did technically miss the first goal of the year that Freiburg scored but it’s not a competitive goal so it’s not so bad. The other two things which helped change my mind was a scene from the episode of Deutschland 83 I saw last night and two new pictures of Hansi I got over the weekend.
In last night’s episode Moritz drove General Edel to a conference in Brussels and in between driving him around and planting a bug on a desk meant for a security analyst he found some time to have a bit of fun. Fun which included the purchasing of a Walkman. He’d never seen one before and he didn’t know what it was, the look of wonderment on his face was incredible. Truly wonderful, so much that I felt compelled to add some pictures to this post:
The look on Moritz’s face in that moment is part of my answer. Moments when you feel that sense of wonderment and happiness are the reason to believe. Because things may never make any sense and they may never go as I want them to. But as long as you can find a silver lining then it doesn’t matter so much. Like with Freiburg this past season. They got relegated and lost a lot of good players and that really hurt. But Nils Petersen came back. And they got Vincenzo Grifo and Amir Abrashi. Obviously I would have preferred for them to stay in the Bundesliga, but I have to admit Grifo is a most excellent silver lining to the situation. He is the gift that keeps on giving. As long as there are moments like that then the rest is worth putting up with. And now to the Hansi pictures, it’s not the fact I’ve added these pictures to my collection which makes me so happy. It’s not even how perfect his smile is in the first one. It’s that it reminds me of how happy it’s possible to be. A reminder that it’s possible to be happy at all. And of the fact that when such a small thing as a nice picture of Hansi can make me this happy then I don’t think there’s anything to really worry about. I may have been in a terrible mood last night and when I got up but now I don’t even remember why. So it couldn’t have mattered really.
Over the weekend I was trying to make a character related decision, to finally pick a new name for Hans-Peter. Funny thing is after all the time I spent on it, including reading through several lists of German names I decided upon sticking with Hans-Peter. One might think the whole exercise was a waste of time. But it wasn’t because I found out a few interesting facts which more than made it worth it. First I found out that Jens which is actually a Danish and not a German name is short for Johannes which apparently means “God is gracious.” The reason this amused me so is that Hans is also derived from Johannes and Hans apparently means “Gift from God.” Well I won’t argue with either of those definitions that’s for sure. As Leo likes to say in The West Wing, “I like the little things.”
Those little moments of amusement are the reason to believe. Last night I started wondering what the point of everything is and I don’t really have an answer. But then maybe I’m looking in the wrong place. Like that joke from last night’s episode, about the drunk man who’s searching for his keys under a street light. A policeman sees him searching and asks him what he’s looking for, the drunk tells him and so he starts to help him. After a while he asks where did you have them last and the man answers in the park. So why then is he looking under the light? Because he can see there. If I keep looking in the places I’m told to look in my quest for happiness or whatever it is I’m looking for then I’m not going to find it. How can I when the people telling me where to look have no idea of what makes me happy.
Right now I’m reading a book about an autistic boy named Gabriel. He has no interest in toys, instead he prefers what his mother calls “twirlers”. That is bits of fabric, grass or other plants that he likes to twirl and wave about. He collects them and has a pretty impressive collection as you might imagine. If there’s one thing I know about autistic people it’s that we’re experts at collecting stuff. Most people find his collection and other such collections baffling. They find his habits even more so. They don’t get how it amuses him so completely. I don’t have a habit like that, though when I was younger I used to collect things like labels and batteries. Now I collect trading cards much to the amusement of some people. Given how baffled they are at the fact I even own them it’s for the best that they have no idea what I do with said trading cards. Because they don’t just sit on my shelf doing nothing. I like to get them out and flick through them. Not to see Jogi and Hansi, I don’t need to look through them for that. Theirs are on top, as always. I like the feel of the cards and the way they smell. I like the fact when I’m looking through them I’m not thinking of anything. That during such times I don’t need anymore reason to do it other than because I want to.