Advent Calendar Day 6

Behind door number six in the Freiburg calendar was Lukas Kübler. In the DFB one there was not one card but four. No doubt deliberate to match the fourth card, which was the first of Germany’s stars, the first time they won the World Cup in 1954. The other three are the replacement Schneider, goalkeeper Roman Weidenfeller and team captain Bastian Schweinsteiger. Joining them from the Dortmund calendar is the fastest man in the Bundesliga, current top scorer with seventeen goals Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang.

Thomas Schneider - DFB card 2015-16 1 Thomas Schneider - DFB card 2015-16 2 Roman Weidenfeller - DFB card 2015-16 1 Roman Weidenfeller - DFB card 2015-16 2 Bastian Schweinsteiger - DFB card 2015-16 1 Bastian Schweinsteiger - DFB card 2015-16 2 Der erste Stern 1954 - DFB card 2015-16 1 Der erste Stern 1954 - DFB card 2015-16 2Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang - Dortmund advent calendarI wanted to wait to write today’s post until after the matches finished, in particular RB Leipzig v Duisburg. The prospect of Duisburg getting anything from this game seemed to be simply impossible. And yet I was really hoping they would. Because one-slip up by Leipzig, even if it’s them drawing  rather losing will be greatly appreciated. With that in mind today was not only almost Christmas come early for Duisburg (had they won it would have been only their third of the season) and for Freiburg. Because at half time Duisburg who are bottom of the table were drawing 1-1 with second placed Leipzig. Not only that but they took the lead in the 79th minute. All of a sudden the impossible was possible. But it was not to be. Leipzig got themselves three goals in the space of five minutes. Final score 4-2.

One final football related thing I have to mention is Thomas Tuchel’s reaction to Dortmund’s winning goal yesterday. So good that I had to make a GIF of it. He he has that in common with Jogi and Christian Streich, he provides plenty of good moments for GIFs and videos, that’s for sure:

Thomas_Tuchel_goal_celebration_Wolfsburg_v_DortmundAfter watching the latest episodes of The Bridge last night I was no longer in such a good mood. They made for thoroughly depressing viewing, the scene where Saga’s mother approaches her in the station I found particularly bothersome. The way she tried to manipulate her and to get a rise out of her made for very painful viewing. It reminded me of a few things that I’d rather forget. As a result my previous happiness over Freiburg’s very satisfactory victory over Union Berlin was nowhere to be found. Apart from not getting enough sleep Friday night, the day was going fine until then. That scene turned an otherwise good day into a “what’s the point” kind of day. I felt much the same way when I got up. Staying in bed and feeling sorry for myself wasn’t really an option, not if I wanted to watch the repeat of Dortmund’s game. I didn’t want to get up but I made myself, figuring that I’d have to make myself get up later anyway so I may as well do so now. And if I got up later I would not only be annoyed with myself for staying in bed but for missing Dortmund’s game too.

Making myself get up was the right decision. I’m still tired and only in a slightly better mood but I’m glad I got up. Everyday I allow myself to stay in bed like that it lessens the chances of getting back into a good routine. This week I made all the same mistakes as last week, it went almost exactly the same way. It was the exact same night I stayed up all night. I made similar mistakes in other ways too, spending too much money for one thing. It’s not like I’m the picture of responsibility normally, this isn’t hugely out of character for me. But it is a little more reckless than I usually am. It’s not the fact I was reckless or what I spent the money on that’s out of character. It’s my reaction to it, I don’t seem to particularly care or be worried by it. That’s what unusual. I know I’m being irresponsible, I know I should try to rein it in a little. But I just don’t seem to care or be at all motivated to make an effort to do so.

I feel like that about most things right now. I don’t really know why, I don’t think there’s anything wrong right now, nothing major anyway. This Christmas is certainly a major improvement on last year. To name the obvious, Freiburg are at the opposite end of the table. Of course it’s not the same table, and whilst I would rather them be in the Bundesliga, even in the bottom third, instead of being top of the 2. Bundesliga it’s still something to be pleased with. Whatever happens their final game before Christmas won’t be as miserable as last year.

Everything else is for the most part ok too, I have lots of projects to work on and plenty to keep busy with. I have a stack of very interesting books to read. Plus I should have the money to buy the new Germany away shirt soon and a few other things beside. Yet still I don’t feel happy. I’m doing everything I normally do. I’m trying to keep busy. I have provisional plans for next Tuesday and if all goes to plan should get to give them their gifts in time for Christmas. I know at least what’s bothering me in regards to this, the unknown, the waiting. Not knowing for sure or not. I find waiting to be difficult at the best of times but now it’s simply unbearable.

There’s another thing from The Bridge I can’t stop thinking about. Something that Claes the writer said about being happy. When people ask how you are most people will say, even if they’re not. He asks what happens if you said you weren’t, and why don’t people say they aren’t fine. I never tell people I’m not fine, I’m not sure if I even can. I put a lot of effort into the opposite, into not giving away that I’m not fine. Sometimes though it’s not enough and people notice anyway. It was stupid of me to think that my odd sleeping patterns from the last two weeks would go unnoticed. It was also stupid of me to think it wouldn’t affect my behaviour in anyway. Truth is I’d given no thought to the matter, if I had I would have noticed how distracted I’ve been and how I’ve been even more strange than usual. Apparently it was like I had a hangover, which is funny considering I drink on average no more than five beers a year.

If I’d gotten some more sleep and was paying more attention I would have also would have noticed earlier how so much of what I’m writing is very depressing. When the person who I gave a few chapters to read asked why I was writing such dark stuff lately I said I didn’t know. Maybe then I really didn’t know or I simply didn’t or couldn’t say the truth. Which is because I feel like it. I suppose that would have counted as telling them how I feel, and that’s just not me. I refuted that Matze is in anyway representative of me and my own feelings. I wasn’t entirely truthful there and deliberately so. I don’t want them knowing that. In a lot of my recent chapters Matze is angry, not about anything in particular, just angry in general. But it’s not how he feels that’s important, it’s the fact that he can allow someone to comfort or to help him when everything gets too much. Because I can’t, writing about it as close as I can get. I wish I could let someone help me, it would certainly make my life easier.

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