I only went to see Burnt because Daniel Brühl was in it. In fact if it weren’t for this fact I wouldn’t have gone out at all. Daniel was his usual excellent self but the film was as I expected terrible, the sticker album I’m so looking forward to getting isn’t in stock yet and to make it worse I didn’t even get to have Bratwurst from the Christmas market.
Halfway through the film I started to get bored and wondered why I’d bothered going out at all. I could have waited for the DVD, if I’d done so I could have fast-forwarded through the scenes I found to be annoying. Maybe if I weren’t so tired I would have been in a better mood. I probably just should have stayed in bed. I started thinking similar thoughts on the way home, about why I bother to do anything, especially anything that involves going outside and being around other people. I try my best to remember social rules and what I should and shouldn’t do, but apparently it’s ok for other people not to make the same kind of effort. I certainly don’t appreciate being stared at. You bought a train ticket, not a ticket to a freak show. You think I’m strange, fine, whatever, I certainly find other people strange a lot of the time but I’m not allowed to (and I don’t) sit there staring at those people. It’s somehow worse when they do this but don’t say anything, at least when they call you names you know what their problem is or just what it is you’ve done for them to consider you strange. What makes it worse is the more they stare, the more nervous I get and the more nervous I get, the harder it is to keep still. Though I have to admit I was on edge anyway so it probably wouldn’t have made much difference.
Back to my main point, I knew how the film was going to go, you have an idea of how most films are going to go, so what’s the point? Why bother watching them. In fact why bother doing anything. I got to thinking about the upcoming week, about the press conferences and the videos and the pictures I like to collect and upload. Why do I do any of it, because it’s fun and because I really like doing it or because it’s familiar and safe. How many other things does that apply to, where you do it because it’s the safe option and not necessarily what you really want to be doing? I remember reading in a book once that the difficulty with the author’s autistic son wasn’t that doing something twice would create a routine that he would want to stick to, but that doing it once would be enough to have that effect. I’m not exactly certain what my point was, I just felt like that belong here somehow. I guess what I was trying to say was do I do the things I do because it’s what I want to be doing or because they’re safe and familiar and I don’t know what else to do?
I’m not especially enthusiastic about this international break and yet I’m doing it anyway. Why, because I couldn’t bear not to, it would be unthinkable, it’s an international break. I have to do what I always do, it’s been almost a year now and it’s become routine. Therefore it has to happen because I expected it to. One thing was cleared up today anyway, I was reminded of a reason why I might not have been looking forward to this week. It’s not that I’d forgotten about the reason in question, more that I didn’t want to remember. Today is six years since Robert Enke died. Birthday’s are always tricky anyway, all the more so because mine is so close to Christmas and it’s generally an unsettled and difficult time anyway. But what happened to Enke makes it all the stranger and all the more difficult. Ever since I read that book last year I haven’t been able to let go of it, of what he did.
I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time, what the point of it is, or what anything means. When everything seems like such hard work it’s tempting to think that it’s easier not to do anything at all. But not doing anything at all just makes it worse. I don’t know what I’m doing or why. I just know that I have to keep doing it, to keep doing something. Whatever gets you out of bed everyday. Forget about other people, forget about whether they think what you do is a waste of time or not. It’s not important. You have to do what you need to do. Other people’s expectations and standards aren’t important here. That quote from the book about Enke is still worth remembering: “in the morning you don’t feel like you can do anything and so don’t try to do anything, then in the evening you beat yourself up for not having achieved anything.”
Maybe none of it never will make any sense. Regardless you still have to keep moving. Maybe accepting that little of it makes sense is what you need to do.
On the subject of making sense and accepting things, the penultimate episode of River was on tonight. One step closer to getting some answers, one step closer to letting go of River. I don’t want to, he’s a fascinating character and I’d happily spend more time watching him. But I don’t think it’s the kind of show they’ll make a second series of.
In tonight’s episode his partner Ira points out to River that he could talk to him instead of Stevie, that he’s right there in front of him. River admits he knows he could, but then he’d have to come up something interesting to say.
It made me remember something in real life, a conversation where a friend told me they wished I would talk to them a little more, that I would share more of what I’m thinking. There’s one obvious difference here, my friends are imaginary, I know that, they aren’t delusions or anything like that. But the point is the same. I should talk to the person who’s actually there in front of me. But I can’t and in truth they wouldn’t really want me to. I can’t because I can’t talk out loud that much. And as for why they wouldn’t want me to, well because they’d be bored.
Back to the topic of River I’m still not that interested in the case, I mean obviously I want to know what happened to Stevie and who killed her but the real fascination is River and him dealing with her death. This is what makes it worth watching and Stellan Skarsgard certainly makes for compelling viewing.
He’s starting to accept that Stevie isn’t there anymore. At the beginning of the episode in the car he doesn’t talk back to Stevie like he usually does. He looks back at her but says nothing. Then she’s outside of the car, it’s the first time we’ve seen her when she’s not actually with River. She’s outside of the car and he hears the shot again. He knows she’s starting to slip away and he can’t accept it. He’s not ready to let her go yet. But the blood on his hands, what’s that about. I get the symbolism but whose blood is it, Stevie’s or the guy who fell to his death?
Whatever it means I liked Ira’s reaction to it, the way he didn’t make a big deal out of it. He didn’t get freaked out or get mad at him. He didn’t call him names or make a big deal out of it at all. He just calmly asks if he’s ok and then offers to drive. Him and Ira are good together, I just hope nothing happens to either of them in the final episode.
One final thing I have to mention, I know what the shirts look like now. I don’t have to wait until it gets here to find out. There was a presentation and a whole big show in Berlin today with some of the players. The home one is still white and I guess it looks ok, it has kind of a retro 90’s feeling to it, the away one not so much. I don’t like the grey and green. The goalkeeper one is a dark navy blue, it’s nice but I liked the green. I was right about one thing, not expecting it to be here in time for Friday, that is almost certainly not going to happen. So it’s a good thing I prepared myself for the possibility. Some pictures of the shirt and some from the presentation: