The Spectre Affair

Mission accomplished in one sense, I did everything I was supposed to do yesterday. Everything but one small but very important thing, I didn’t get any sleep yesterday. Regardless I still went anyway, maybe it wasn’t the best choice. I think getting some sleep and then getting up in time for Bayern’s Champions League game would have been a better choice, but it’s not the way I went.

I saw the film, had the much dreaded conversation, saw the game, recorded two of my three copies and got the all important Jogi video, though sadly no interview to go with it.

It’s strange, when I got interested in Christoph Waltz a few years ago I was fixated on the idea that he had to play a Bond villain, he simply had to. It’s the kind of part he’s born to play. And now he has, and I no longer care. The film was just ok, not as bad as the previous two but nowhere as near as good as Casino Royale. I feel like I should go and see it again to see if it grows on me the second time round but I don’t know if I can sit through it again. How things change, if I still liked Christoph Waltz I would have gone to see it on the day it came out and would most likely have seen it three times already. These days I’m lucky to get to see a film twice, let alone see any film more than ten times, which I did for both Django Unchained and Rush.

Whether or not still going yesterday was a wise choice or not I don’t know, but I am up and dressed before 9:00am today. Which in light of recent events is quite impressive. Shame then it’s not my doing, getting up today at this hour was not optional. It’s not my schedule but one which has been imposed upon me for the day. That may be true, but I’m still glad at being awake. Yesterday was a long day, so I do feel terrible, but then if I had done it my way then that would still be true.

One thing I do regret is that being somewhat sleep deprived yesterday I remember very little of the conversation. I know what we talked about roughly but not the details. More importantly I’m not at all sure of what I said or what the point of it was. But then would that be any clearer even if I had gotten some sleep? Because I’m not sure any of this makes sense. They finally got what they did wrong and why I reacted the way I did. And I understand precisely what hurt their feelings. In addition they actually have an idea of what I’m thinking. Problem is I didn’t tell them,  Jogi did. That is he told Hansi in a story which they read. After reading that they said all of this finally makes some sense to them. Thanks to what they read they finally know that yes I do have feelings, I just can’t express them. Understanding all of this means they are no longer feel quite so pushed out by my favourite Germans. Because they finally get that it’s not a question of loving them more. It’s simply a question of being able to show your feelings, of being able to express them. And that they are predictable in a way real people can never be. Because of that they are safe and don’t terrify me in the same way real people do. It’s not that I don’t trust him, I don’t trust anyone. Because I’m very aware of the fact that people don’t always say what they mean and that people often say one thing but are really thinking another.

I’m also very aware that it’s difficult for me to form an idea as to what someone may be thinking. That my perspective is to put it simply, often wrong. It’s not just that I don’t trust other people, I can’t even trust myself. With my stories there’s none of this, in them there’s only confusion if I want there to be. And in them Hansi always knows what to do and say.

So, great, everybody understands other. But what difference does that make? That doesn’t solve the problem. Our requirements aren’t compatible, the problems still remain. All we’ve done is understand the theory side of things better, we’ve gone no way to solving the practical side of things. Because there’s no way to do that. They’re the kind of person who is very much in touch with their feelings, they’re a very tactile kind of person. So they need someone who can comfort them, both emotionally and physically. I can’t do either of those things.

More to the point they want things to get back to normal. For our friendship to resume. I hadn’t thought that far ahead. When thinking of yesterday my thoughts went as far as staying awake for Bayern’s game last night and getting to see Dortmund’s today. I’d given no thought whatsoever to next week or the one after it. I certainly hadn’t figured on other people fitting in anywhere. Next week is the international break. Two Germany games, the new shirt which is being released in time for then and my birthday. But I’m still not that excited about it. Perhaps that will change when the day actually comes.

To get back to the subject of problem solving, there is another problem that has gone unsolved. That of differing interests. They don’t like any of what I’m currently interested in. Which is a problem because I can think of little else. They want to go back to hanging out, what am I meant to do, just not talk about any of it? So then what do we talk about?

I’m trying hard not to obsess over this, that won’t help. It’s doing that which got me into trouble in the other situation. Overthinking things like that is dangerous. For the moment I should focus on getting everything straight again, on getting a good night’s sleep, and trying once more to start getting up before lunch time every day. There’s too much in flux at the moment to get into any kind of routine. One day at a time. I don’t need to rush into any decisions, not when I have no idea what’s going on. I need to catch up on some sleep. Some quiet time would be helpful.  Having gadget free day is most likely over ambitious, maybe just one night. I could read before I go to sleep, like I used to do. A good old fashioned book instead of a Jogi and Hansi adventure on my tablet.

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