Million-Dollar Question

Million-Dollar Question

Why do you blog?

To put it simply, it’s cheaper and less of a waste of my time than therapy is. Plus it’s actually kind of fun sometimes. I hope that by writing everything down I can actually make some sense of things. Maybe learn something from my mistakes. Whether I can do that or not it’s helpful to be able to track my thought processes at any given time. I know I could in theory do that without having a blog but it doesn’t work quite the same way, and the disadvantage of having a journal on paper is that it’s not always easy to make sense of your handwriting, especially if you were upset or angry at the time. That’s obviously a problem you avoid with having a blog. Another problem you avoid is that here everything is in one place, and it’s far easier to search for a post from a particular day or related to a particular topic. Another reason is that by writing stuff down in this way I hope it’ll quiet down some of the negative influences in my mind.

Sharing my thoughts and stories and reading other people’s, it creates a feeling of belonging, that you fit somewhere. And given that I don’t really fit in anywhere it’s a nice feeling. I guess even I need to feel like I belong somewhere in some small way.

I suppose the main reason for blogging is that it allows me talk endlessly about my special interests. It’s the one place I can talk and talk without having to worry about whether or not I’m boring someone or talking too much. I don’t have to worry about alienating anyone or annoying them. I can talk about whatever I want and for as long as I want. Between this and my stories, I hope I can take other people out of the equation, that I can cut out any direct interaction with other people that goes beyond the superficial. I recognise that I can’t avoid talking to other people entirely, I’d never be able to trade stickers again for one thing or buy anymore collectibles. But I can attempt to remove any unnecessary social contact. To cut out the amount of time I spend worrying about such things. It would nice not to have to worry how my words can be misinterpreted, whether or not I made myself clear and if I’ve made any social errors.

I made the mistake of thinking that special interests could act as a bridge of sorts between me and other people. I was wrong, they can only take you so far. They can’t hide the fact that I’m out of my depth in such situations, not for long anyway.

I think learning from my mistakes may be too big of an aim however. Because I can set the facts out for myself again and again, but the next time the situation occurs I do the same thing I always do, which is always the wrong thing. It’s like every time it happens it’s the first time, like I haven’t been in the same situation several times before. When it comes to talking about my special interests I just can’t seem to stop myself, to make myself shut up. I mean to, I try not to say so much, and I fail every single time. I can’t find the right balance. I can either say too much or too little.

On a related note, I started watching The 3rd Rock from the Sun yesterday. I’ve meant to start watching this ever since I saw John Lithgow in Dexter but just never got round to it. The appeal is obvious, they’re aliens studying human behaviour to try and fit in. In the first episode I saw Dick is obsessed with Mary Albright. He wants to date her but has no idea how to go about it. When he does eventually manage to tell her, she points out how strange he is, how oddly he reacts to his feelings and to perfectly normal situations. She says that it’s like he’s feeling those things for the first time, and of course that’s not far from the truth. I guess I feel kind of the same way.

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