This week is the first full week after the international break and things are only very slowly beginning to get back to normal. Not that there’s much point in settling down back into any kind of routine because it’s a case of from one interruption to the next. This time the source of the interruption being the second round of the DFB Pokal. Freiburg play Augsburg on Wednesday and whilst I am obviously very excited for that, it’s Bayern’s game I can’t wait to see. They play Wolfsburg on Tuesday night, I just hope it’s as epic as it promises to be.
But getting back to my point, there’s little sense in getting everything straight again, next week is the DFB Pokal, then just a regular week and following that is another international break. I just hope this time round Freiburg will get to go into the international break at the top of the table.
With how strange everything still is I barely remember the last seven days. If it wasn’t for my notebooks and my posts on here I would have no idea what I’d done during that time. It’s all very confusing, partly because Germany played on a Sunday. It gave it the deceptive feeling of a normal Bundesliga Sunday, at least for a while. For some reason I feel like it was just last weekend they played when actually it was two weeks ago. I think a lack of sleep is contributing to such feelings.
As things stand with what I did just last night I may have created another problem to keep me awake at night. I was right, finally doing something didn’t stop me from obsessing over it. Of course not, it just gave me something new to obsess over. It’s ridiculous, I can see that. Now I’m obsessing about whether or not I committed a social infraction in my attempt to find out if I committed such an infraction in the original situation. Now the conversation and all my worries surrounding it are back in my head. After barely thinking of it all week it’s back with a vengeance. I did not think this through. Now I can’t even bring myself to check my e-mails which is absurd. Not least because it means if I persist in being unable to do that, my other conversations will go unfinished too. I may have to get someone to screen my e-mails in the same way I occasionally get someone to screen my actual mail. But surely that would entail explaining this whole ridiculous situation to someone else, talking about it all out loud would make it sound even stupider. But what choice do I have?
I should have just let it go, it bugged me but so what, lots of things bug me. It felt unfinished, that’s the problem. My question went unanswered and I couldn’t let it go. I don’t even think I really care about the answer, it’s just because I didn’t get one. It’s also because I have no idea where exactly I’ve gone wrong. It’s times like this I feel like I should stick to my stories and not waste any energy on attempting to talk to other people. But then if I did that I’d never get to have those fascinating conversations about Jogi and other random interesting Germans. And I’d be going to see Spectre by myself if that were true. I’m sure they find me frustrating at times too, I should keep that in mind. I just wish this wasn’t so difficult. It would be nice to be able to talk to someone without having to think it through, without having to put this much effort into it and the whole analysis that comes after it.
It’s important I get this out of my mind, that this Sunday not go like last weekend did. I can’t make that mistake, not now. Staying up all night is the worst thing I could do. I’m sure doing so would just result in me making even more impulsive decisions and getting into even more trouble. I’ve only just finished calculating how much money I spent that I shouldn’t have done in the past two weeks, I’m not doing it again. Getting just the right amount of sleep is very important right now. Too little and it’s problematic. It gets in the way of maintaining a good routine, it makes me do stupid things and can make me end up thinking even stupider things. I’ve read back some of my notes from last weekend and I can’t believe I wrote them. That I really thought those things, some of it was out there, even for me.
Too much sleep is equally problematic. It’s all to easy to decide that since it’s so late there’s really no point in getting up now. It’s very tempting to decide to hide away from everything that way. But doing so will only make me feel worse. Missing any of the games I want to see will just make me even angrier at myself. It may not be the best thing to be getting me out of bed, but right now I’ll take whatever works.
Every day this week I’ve dragged myself out of bed, not always by a decent hour but at least I got up, not only that but I’ve actually got something done. It’s only twenty five pages but it’s better than nothing. At least I have something to show for my time. It feels like I’ve spent more time asleep than awake but at least I can say that. I didn’t waste the entire week, that counts for something.
The season ends for the Christmas break on the 21st of December and doesn’t resume until the 5th February for the 2.B and the 22nd January for the Bundesliga. At least this year there is one guarantee, it won’t be a miserable Christmas as far as Freiburg are concerned. They won’t be in the situation they were in last Christmas, that is bottom of the league. Their final game is against 1860 München, so it definitely won’t be the same situation. Almost six whole weeks without football, I plan on using the time a little more wisely this time around. No video game marathons, films either, I’m just going to catch up on some sleep. How wonderful it will be, not having to get up early on a Sunday.
I have no real plans for the holiday, at least not as far as real life is concerned. My Löw adventures on the other hand, I’m already plotting the Christmas chapters now. Last year my story for the final match-day of the first half of the season was a Hansi centered adventure, involving him wearing a Santa hat. As fate would have it Bayern’s last game before the Christmas break is against the same team Freiburg faced before last Christmas, Hannover 96. What a twist of fate that is, an early Christmas gift I guess, getting to see them beaten by Bayern. I have to tie that into whatever my story turns out to be, that much I know.
For me to be thinking that far ahead in terms of stories is a good thing, indeed to be looking forward to something at all is a good thing. It means that despite how tired and frustrated I am right now, at least I’m not in such a terrible mood that thinking ahead is impossible. There are times when it feels pointless, when I wonder why I bother with anything and I’ve noticed how easily frustrated I’ve been these past few weeks. A bit quicker to anger than usual, always ready to think the worst. I can see those kinds of feelings begin to creep in. But I’m trying not to let them, I really am. Even if I don’t want to get up, even if I can’t find anything to do I’m still going to make myself get up. I’m not going to let that happen. I just have to remember, small victories are what count. There’s no need to place a huge amount of pressure on myself, that’s not going to help anything. One day at a time, only seven weeks of this half of the season left. Just get to the Christmas break in one piece. Whatever happens next can be dealt with then.
The Christmas break I’m looking forward to, the holiday itself not so much. I wish I hadn’t agreed to the Matze Ginter idea. I like the idea of getting several Matze related gifts of course, it’s the idea that they’re a surprise. That was the deal I made, I would let them buy me a few surprise gifts but I would pick the person they were related to. So a surprise but in a limited sense. Except I’m not comfortable with that either. Which is a problem because the person I made the deal with is excited at the prospect of being able to buy me a surprise gift, I’ve never agreed to such a thing before. I’m not sure even the custom made Jogi Löw wrapping paper is going to help with my discomfort. But I’m not going to say anything, I don’t want to ruin it for them. It obviously means a lot to them. It’s not important that I understand why, just that I can keep to my end of the deal.
The chapter I’m working on is very helpful in this regard. My friend was right, it is helpful with the empathy thing. At least I think that’s what this is, I don’t know. Whatever it is, I don’t want to disappoint the person in question and Hansi helped with realising that. It’s been a very strange chapter, going in a direction I didn’t expect it to. It’s not like me at all, talking about those kinds of feelings but then I guess that ship has kind of sailed in the sense that none of this story is me. It’s odd for me to be voluntarily talking about such things. Giving the pages to someone to read has been most helpful, despite the fact it makes me extremely uncomfortable given the subject matter. But it’s worth it, to see how someone else reacts to it. Because I wasn’t entirely sure about it, I wrote it but I’m still making sense of it myself. I didn’t really think about it when I wrote it. I didn’t have to, it’s something that makes me very angry and I just wrote what I felt. Evidently it does make sense and it does say what I want it to, what I thought I was saying. All I need to do is finish it so I can get the pesky Portugal chapter out of the way, then I can get to the good stuff, to what I’ve been thinking about all week , Thomas’ introduction.