The End of the Night/Home with Hansi

There it is, all over and done with, my social time for the month. All five hours of it. With that done and the international break over now it’s time for some sort of normality to resume. It’s back to the Bundesliga tomorrow night with Dortmund playing Mainz, Thomas Tuchel revisiting his former club. I hope it’ll be as entertaining as it was last year, though I hope Roman is not the one who makes it so. It was during the Mainz game last year that Dortmund conceded a very early goal, thanks to what can only be described as a comedy of errors on the part of Roman Weidenfeller and his defenders. Though of course he’s not the Roman in goal tomorrow night, that will be Roman Bürki and after the disaster at Bayern and how badly he played, I want everything to go perfect for him tomorrow night. He may not be a Freiburg player anymore, but I still want things to go well for him.  Freiburg don’t play until Sunday, they play host to Greuther Fürth. It is the month of Sunday’s for Freiburg, they play on that day for four weeks in a row. A fact I am most displeased about. I know I should be grateful that I get to see them play at all, which I am. It’s just the prospect of four early morning starts on a Sunday in a row is not at all appealing.

I did not of course come home with Hansi, or come home to be greeted by him, it’s the title of my next Jogi adventure which I came up with on the walk home. Even if I hadn’t enjoyed the evening (which I did) it would have been worth going out just to walk home in the dark and get that chance to think. I always come up with good ideas at night, all the more so on late night walks like that. I guess I’m not so much a creature of the night as a writer of the night.

I’m actually glad that because of the late hour there was in fact no-one to greet me upon my return. For as much as I enjoyed the evening, I’m glad it’s over and done with. That’s usually how I feel after any social time. This particular occasion has a bonus however, something which makes it extra special and that is being allowed to share my Jogi videos, and being allowed to talk about him and the team for an hour straight. Not only that but getting them to indulge in the wonderfulness that is the Löw highlights and getting to share the most sweetest video of all, the one that may just be one of the best ever additions to my collection. I think maybe some NTs aren’t as “normal” as they claim to be. For after a few Jogi videos not only do they share your excitement but they too are wanting to watch certain scenes over and over again. This is the video in question, the all so special one:

More important than that I finally got the opportunity to hear their thoughts on some of the stuff I’ve been writing lately. An interesting question they asked was whether or not learning German has had any effect on my understanding and use of grammar. I know this is a problem area for me. I can only think perhaps there has been some improvement in regards to the matter, hence their question. One important insight they did offer was that my writing is a lot more concise and less rambling which is a very big problem for me but one that’s getting better it seems. Perhaps not on here so much but then I don’t worry about it so much here. I don’t mind if my blog is a little random and rambling in places. I think it should be. After all a blog should reflect the person writing it, should it not?

To get back to the topic of my stories, there was one chapter in particular I wanted them to read, the chapter in question contains a character who does not feature in any other story, thus I’m not particularly acquainted with him. As a result writing dialogue for him, understanding how he thinks and his motivations was something of a challenge. Despite those difficulties I seem to have pulled it off, they had no criticisms to make of his character.

The most important part of the process is the fact that the story in question provoked an emoti0nal response from them. From what they said (that it was too sad to read anymore and they had to stop now) and the expression on their face I gather it was about to make them cry. How strange it is, I almost made someone cry with my words and for once it’s a good thing.

The film we saw was Sicario and apart from the brief entertainment of attempting to remember who Silvio was and where we’d seen him before it didn’t really register. In fact the final shot of the film sums it up for me. It ends with Silvio’s son at a football match, the kids are playing, he’s bearing down on goal when all of a sudden they stop. Gunfire is heard in the background and everyone there freezes. The gunfire is not near enough to put any of them in imminent danger but still they freeze. After a few seconds, the game resumes. Life goes on, the gunfire is just normal background noise. I guess that’s the message of the film, it’s their statement about the war on drugs. That as long as the violence is in someone else’s backyard, as long as it’s not their kids being killed, people won’t care. My point was, that’s what the film felt like, just background noise. Nothing particularly special bar the exception of a few stunning shots of the night-time desert sky. But it was no doubt a better option than seeing The Martian.

The film and indeed the whole evening has been a most welcome distraction. But now that I’m back home and am no longer hyped up from the sugar in the popcorn my mind is starting to return to the same obsessive loop I found myself in last night. Same topic, same problem, the all so troublesome question. I find myself unable to stop going over what I think I should say in response and working out any possible reactions and responses to that. I can’t let it go. Question is, if I do decide to act will that stop all of this? Or in doing so will I give myself something new to obsess over?

I’m more than likely overthinking all of this. Overthinking can be dangerous, especially so when you have a limited understanding of the subject in question. Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to be blunt with people. To preempt all of this, instead of waiting for the inevitable awkwardness to occur, perhaps I should just tell people straight. Though I suspect that would bring up a new set of problems, working out how to word such a thing. I suppose asking someone I trust to assist with that may be a useful idea to consider.

So as not to end on such a negative note, there is one positive about tonight. I’m not obsessing over any of the night’s events. Not what we talked about, how much I talked about Jogi and Hansi, if I made any social errors. None of it and that is a very good thing indeed. Nor am I questioning any of the comments they made about what they read. I have a tendency to do that, to wonder if someone is really telling me truth. Wondering if perhaps they think it’s not so good but they don’t want to tell me. It is wrong on my part in thinking that way, it’s as if I don’t trust the person in question.

It’s not as if I’ve suddenly woken up one day and realised how absurd all of my anxieties and fears are. It’s because of a very honest and frank conversation we had about lying. To be more precise lying and how it relates to autism. A friend of theirs told a story about an acquaintance and they wanted to know my thoughts on it. At first I found it curious that they didn’t ask me whether or not I was capable of lying. A few minutes into the conversation the reason for this was made clear. They didn’t ask because it turns out they are well aware that’s it’s close to impossible for me to lie. Not just in my words but in every other way too. Apparently I can’t hide how bored I am when someone talks about a topic I have no interest in, even if I care about the person in question.

The reason I found this so helpful is that I got part of answer to something which has been worrying me for a while. That I’m not a good enough friend, that I talk too much about my special interests and don’t listen enough in return. I have a basic understanding of how social interaction should work. I’ve read about it online, studied such things from TV and films and have read social skills programmes designed to assist autistic people with learning about such things. But all of it is theory. I have a real problem putting what I know into practice. I think maybe because I don’t really understand it all, it just doesn’t come naturally to me at all. Which is probably the reason for the several failures in my attempts to be “friendly.” I probably don’t have a friendly mode, I don’t come across well to other people, not initially. I’m most likely too strange and too intense. I can’t help it, I don’t how to be something other than what I really am.

My point is getting away from me now. What I meant to get at is they know I can’t pretend to be interested in things I have no interest in. They know I talk too much at times. They know how obsessively focused I can be. They are ok with all of this. It’s not a problem. If it was they wouldn’t be spending time with me. They certainly don’t have to, they are under no obligation to do so and they have plenty of other friends and opportunities for social interaction. I can trust them to tell me the truth. For now at least this knowledge is enough to prevent me from obsessing over the things I usually would right now.

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