As a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? How close or far are you from that vision?
Simply put I wanted to be a grown up. Someone who could make their own decisions, go where they wanted, live where they wanted, not have to wait for other people to help you or do things for you. Someone who had some degree of control over their life.
As the title suggests, little of that has happened yet. I’m technically a grown up but I don’t feel like one. It’s hard to feel like I’m growing up at all when everything is moving so slowly. The only thing that’s not going slowly is time. That has no trouble is making any progress. Time keeps ticking by and it seems like everything stays the same. Everybody else is doing stuff, making plans. And I’m still here, stuck here, still working on the little things. Any grand plans I have will have to wait.
The people around me are growing up; in fact some of my younger siblings are in some ways outgrowing me. That part particularly hurts. The idea that they are so much younger than me and are already ahead of me. I know it’s not a race, but it sure feels that way.
The only thing I know for sure is that it’s all wrong. How little things are such a big deal. How things that mean nothing to most people are such a big deal for me. In fact the small things seem so great, that the truly big things in life seem too big, too far away. So much of life is such a battle, it’s not supposed to be that way. I’m tired of even the simplest things being such a fight. Why can’t something be how it’s meant to be for once?
Everybody keeps telling me to be patient, to keep at it, that things will happen when they are meant to. It’s easy for them to say, it’s not their life. I want to believe them, I do, I just can’t help but see the stack of evidence and facts that proves them wrong. I wonder sometimes if they believe what they are saying. I mean even if they thought the opposite, they can’t say that, can they? They aren’t going to tell me, don’t bother, everything is pointless, there’s no point in even trying. They aren’t going to tell me that I’m thinking too big, that what I want will never happen. They don’t want to to be the one to crush my dreams and ideas. So they wait it out instead, wait for me to move on to my next obsession or insane project.
I’m reading a book right now called Two Soldiers. It’s about two boys who form their own gang. They grew up outside of society; they didn’t even get a chance to be rejected by it. They were unwanted by it and the outside world before they were even born. Their destinies were fixed before they even got a chance to influence them. They have nowhere to belong, nothing to be a part of. So they create their own family, their own world. Society doesn’t offer them any sense of belonging so they go looking for it themselves, and when what they want isn’t forthcoming they take it with force.
They’re angry at a world that doesn’t want them, at their parents, at themselves, at everything. They can’t be a part of the world so they choose to destroy it instead, to destroy what they can’t have. I get that; I get how angry they are. Obviously I don’t condone their violence or any of their behaviour, but I understand where their feelings come from.
There are good things, but they aren’t enough. Being able to buy books, stickers and football shirts whenever I want is of little comfort when other people are making plans to move out and go on holiday with their friends and all of the rest of the things that people are meant to do.
Everything I’ve written here is very downbeat and negative and has a kind of feeling sorry for yourself kind of tone to it. Which is odd because that’s not how I was feeling earlier. What changed was seeing this prompt, but more than that it was the project I’m working on right now. I’ve been making picture posts for each of Germany’s World Cup games from last summer and I’ve finally gotten to the one I wanted to avoid, the final. It should make me happy and it does a little, but mostly it has the opposite effect. And it’s not just because of missing Hansi Flick though that doesn’t help at all. What makes me feel that way is seeing them all celebrate, seeing how they all belong together. I know it’s not the case, that there are other people who feel this way too, but sometimes it feels like I’m the only person who doesn’t belong anywhere.
I keep thinking about that film Daniel Brühl was in called Love in Thoughts. I can’t remember the quote exactly, but I think the point was how can you know what love is when you only know it theory, when you just write about it instead of actually living it. I guess the same goes for life. Some people live life, and other people just dream and think about it.