Happily Ever After
“And they lived happily ever after.” Think about this line for a few minutes. Are you living happily ever after? If not, what will it take for you to get there?
I suppose I could answer yes and no to that question. In some ways this could be my happy ever after. I have quite a few things I want, I no longer have to tolerate in unreasonable amounts the stress of dealing with other people, for the most part I get to live in my own little world and to indulge in my various obsessions. I get to have plenty of fun and have very little in the way of responsibilities, so what’s the problem?
I guess that my world is so small, the feeling that I can and should be doing more. I could left to my own devices be happy with the way things are right now, be happy if they never changed. If this isn’t my happy ever after, what would it take to get there?
First and foremost living by myself, I’m very fixated on that becoming a reality. Though I don’t think I’ve quite thought it through. Last week I got to spend the whole weekend at home by myself, for the first time ever. It’s not exactly like I thought it would be, nothing went wrong and that’s good but it got to me how quiet it was. Which is odd because I thought I would enjoy precisely that aspect of it. Maybe that’s something I would get used to with time? As it turns out, I like other people being around, I just don’t like or need to actually be with them.
There were other things I hadn’t thought of too, the practicalities of the situation. Like the fact that there was no-one there to tell me not to stay up all night, or to not eat pizza at 3:00am. And no doubt there are many other things I haven’t thought of.
It’s not just living by myself, where I live is important too. For me, if I can’t live close enough to the team to go to home games, then it seems like there’s no point. I know almost everyone would disagree with that but it’s how I feel. No compromise is welcome here, it has to be close enough and it has to be by myself. It would not be acceptable to me to live close enough but still have to live with someone else. At the moment I live with one of my parents, which is fine, at the moment. I should have be grateful at their suggestion that in a few years they could move to where I want to move. Like I said, I should be grateful at such an idea, I’m not, not at all. Not because I don’t appreciate the thought, it’s just not what I want.
Of equal importance to that is having a job, a real one. Not just because it would make living by myself easier and would make me less dependent on other people. It’s more that it would give me something to fill my time with. Some people seem to think it’s fun, always being able to do what you want all of the time. And it is, sometimes. But what they don’t get is, if I were to be able to get the right kind of job, it would be fun for me. They can’t see how it would be fun, to them a job involving such repetitive tasks sounds mind numbingly boring, to me it sounds fantastic.
I can honestly say that if the reason I had slept most of the day away today was because I was hard at work last night, then I would be a little bit happier. Far happier if that were the reason, than with what actually happened. Sleeping off a hard night’s work would be much more satisfactory to me than sleeping off an electricity related meltdown. I do like the way that looks, written down like that. It makes it look mutant like, as if I had super powers of the X-Men kind. It was nothing like that obviously, just a boring incident involving careless workmen and the resultant chaos. Either way I would still have the same problem to deal with, that of having to be awake at 4:00am in time to record the Bundesliga special but also needing to still be awake at 22:00 because of the Champions League final. It may not help to solve that problem but I would still be more pleased with that being the reason.
I know now one thing that is most definitely not a part of living happily ever after and that is going to university. Before I had always taken it for granted that I would do that and that I would enjoy doing that. I love learning things but I have no time anymore for formal education in any way. I don’t care what other people say, I no longer have time for the “you’re so smart, it would be a waste not to” kind of comments. Being happy is what’s important to me and one of the ways to do that is to avoid unnecessary sources of stress and that was one of the biggest sources of it. No do I have any time for the “it’s only three/four years of your life” comments either. Maybe so, but I’ve already wasted a couple of years just trying to finish college, how much more time do you want me to waste? How much more time do you want me to have to spend picking up the pieces just because it’s something everyone thinks I’m smart enough to do, but only because they haven’t put enough thought into the reality of it.
An interesting omission from this list is friendship of any kind. You can’t have everything, sometimes you have to make choices in regards to the resources available to you, that just wasn’t important enough to me to make the list. Not when you have limited resources anyway. Plus it would be removing a major source of worry to me. Feeling lonely won’t be a problem, I feel lonely when I do have friends so what difference would it really make.
There are two obsession related things that would make a very significant contribution in making me happy. A pair of Jogi’s boots to match Hansi’s and a training shirt too. And it goes without saying that Freiburg being back where they belong would also be a major factor in making me happy. As would Roman and Admir spending the rest of their careers with the team.